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Old April 5th, 2013, 07:14 AM
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Protecting marriage or controlling?

We were at a school function and the neighborhood dads were all talking.

One dad then pulled out his cell phone to show the other dads all the "hot teachers" who were fired for sleeping with their students, saying he would not call police if his son got to "tap that." DH's response was that it was stupid to lose your career over than and turned away.

They also started talking about getting together at a local bar later, how the men needed to hang around, yada, yada, yada.

Later that night, I said to DH that I would not approve of him hanging around with those guys and drinking. If one can disrespect his daughter's school event like that, imagine what he'd do drunk with no wife or children around. His DW has already confided that she suspected he cheats.

So, is that protecting my marriage or controlling?
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Old April 5th, 2013, 08:58 AM
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Re: Protecting marriage or controlling?

Eh, I doubt you even needed to say anything. I'd be willing to bet your DH would have made that same decision on his own.

I'd say protecting your marriage if you "expressed your concern," controlling if you "forbade."
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Old April 5th, 2013, 09:09 AM
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Re: Protecting marriage or controlling?

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Originally Posted by KayKay View Post

I'd say protecting your marriage if you "expressed your concern," controlling if you "forbade."
"Expressing my concern" with a tone of voice that said "forbid?"

I don't think I really needed to say anything to DH, either.
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Old April 5th, 2013, 10:37 AM
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Re: Protecting marriage or controlling?

Has someone said anything about it that makes you raise the question? Did you say it with a controlling tone that has made you question it?

Again I wouldn't have thought it would be something that needed to be said either! However, it depends on how the receiver of your comment looks at it. Obviously you know your dh, but if it was a question put before others. If someone was starting to lean to that way of thinking having not previously done so then it may be considered by them as controlling. Otherwise I would have taken it as tongue in cheek!
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Old April 5th, 2013, 10:53 AM
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Re: Protecting marriage or controlling?

It was very much tongue-in-cheek. Unless he's going!

Seriously, though, do wives have a duty to protect their marriages from what could be trying situations? Do you think that kind of talk, looking at pics, and drinking buddies are a problem for a marriage?
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Old April 5th, 2013, 12:06 PM
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Re: Protecting marriage or controlling?

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Originally Posted by LucyVanPelt View Post
Do you think that kind of talk, looking at pics, and drinking buddies are a problem for a marriage?
Hmmm. I don't think that those things in and of themselves are problems. It all depends on the spouse. IMHO, that talk and the possession of such pictures were offensive. If I was married to someone who thought that way, there would definitely be a problem. However the problem wouldn't be the talk and the pictures... it would be the fact that I was married to someone like that. OTOH, there probably are a million women out there who would find that completely acceptable and wouldn't bat an eyelash.

Similarly, I don't think the *drinking buddies* are a problem, unless the drinking buddies somehow affect the marriage. My DH goes out with a friend for a beer or two every so often and I think that's great. But he wouldn't go out if the kids or I needed him for something. We come first. Now, if my DH went out and got wasted no matter what was going on at home, THAT would be a problem.

I don't really see it as protecting the marriage as much as drawing the line between what's acceptable and not.
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Old April 5th, 2013, 12:52 PM
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Re: Protecting marriage or controlling?

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...it would be the fact that I was married to someone like that...
I don't really see it as protecting the marriage as much as drawing the line between what's acceptable and not.
There's a leap here. Disagreements about acceptable behavior sometimes lead to marital distress.

DH has guys he sees at least every month. They kick back a few, but no one gets trashed and no one ditches responsibilities to do it. That is ok.

These other guys? I don't know, but they seem to do a lot of partying, and their wives seem unhappy. I wouldn't want to be married to a guy like that.
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Old April 5th, 2013, 12:54 PM
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Re: Protecting marriage or controlling?

Again it comes down to how the spouse was when first being together. If you accepted a behavior then and the spouse hasn't changed from that it's not necessarily a problem within the marriage so much as one party may have grown in a different way. Then you have to decide whether to make it a problem in the marriage or accept you are both adults.

One would presume that never tolerating a certain behaviour it would not now be an issue as you would never have committed to that person in the first place.

Now if we are talking mid life crisis type of changes in behaviour or taste of pastimes then there are problems and whatever you do or say will be perceived as controlling! Not that I am projecting or anything!
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Old April 6th, 2013, 02:55 PM
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Re: Protecting marriage or controlling?

Quote:
Originally Posted by LucyVanPelt View Post
It was very much tongue-in-cheek. Unless he's going!

Seriously, though, do wives have a duty to protect their marriages from what could be trying situations? Do you think that kind of talk, looking at pics, and drinking buddies are a problem for a marriage?
IMO, your husband already told them where he stands. He's smart. He let the "boy" stuff roll off his shoulders, as he is no doubt, accustomed to "locker room" talk.
I think if a marriage is a good partnership, both have the right to voice thier feelings. I wouldnt call it a duty, just mutual respect for the others feelings.
I would not want to be with a guy who had the mentality of a boy.
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Old April 6th, 2013, 07:46 PM
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Re: Protecting marriage or controlling?

I don't have much to add, but it occurs to me to think, what would you do or feel was right if the situations were reversed?

Not that you can have a perfect parallel, but women do have ways of talking and thinking about men that are disrespectful. Some women will talk about what they can get out of men financially ("he owes you Prada shoes, girl!"), or about manipulating them like they're mentally deficient children ("I let him think he's in charge" plus eyeroll). Most women will occasionally make a joke along those lines, and a few really mean it.

I think DH probably wouldn't be happy if I was best buddies with women who seriously saw men as cash cows or big doofuses...but he probably wouldn't care if I was at a PTA meeting and somebody made a disrespectful joke and I didn't bother to speak up about it, because trying to correct the point of view of the world is a futile effort.

What do you think your DH would do if you were going to get together with the village gold-digger, as it were? And if he were to say something to you about it, how would you react?
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