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Old October 31st, 2016, 06:54 AM
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Angry Can't stand being around stepson

I'm new here and would like some other stepparent(s) advice on how to deal with a stepchild that you cannot stand to be around.

His mom has admitted that she will never say "no" to him and his sister. Therefore trying to get him to do anything at his dad's and my house is like pulling teeth. He's lazy. Doesn't pitch in and help. Doesn't like to put in any type of "work" and will dilly dally to avoid doing it. (This is also reflected in his schoolwork.)

He constantly talks and interrupts others, assumes that his dad will buy him anything he wants and lies to boot.

Whenever he comes over I freeze up and don't talk because it doesn't matter what I say to him to make him realize what he's doing. He does it anyway. I get stressed when he comes over and basically want to escape for the weekend.

I know this is probably pretty vague and I've left out some pertinent information, but I'm at my wits end and would like some input from others in the same situation.

Thanks,
Stick

Last edited by stick; October 31st, 2016 at 06:55 AM. Reason: grammar error
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Old October 31st, 2016, 08:25 AM
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Re: Can't stand being around stepson

How old is the boy? What does his dad think about his son's behavior?
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Old October 31st, 2016, 08:28 AM
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Re: Can't stand being around stepson

Hi, Stick,

I am not a step-parent, but I am a step-child who had step-siblings. See the word "had?" They are now deceased. The truth is that my own mother hated them. Your complaints sound like her complaints. While they were accurate-- my step-sister never had to life a finger at her mom's house and wouldn't do anything while she was at our house-- my mother seemed to forget that my step-sister was a child and my mother was the adult.

My mother could not parent my step-sister, although she tried! My step-father was so filled with guilt over the divorce and the deep wounds his children had because of the situation before the divorce that he couldn't parent my step-sister, either. She received very little parenting which resulted in major depressive disorder. Although her death is not an official suicide, I do believe she killed herself.

What I'd like you to take away from this is:
1) That child is a child, not a competitor or a parasite. He will do childish things. Perhaps it seems like he's a drain on your household or he's calling too much attention on himself, but that's due to his immaturity. Children tend to think the world revolves around them.

2) He's not YOUR child and what happens in his mother's house is none of yoru business unless he's being abused or is being put at risk. Any direction or discipline must come from his father. There are boundaries that must be enforced, such as he must speak to you respectfully, but it's up to your DH to enforce them when he's in your home. You may need the help of a marriage counselor who specializes in blended families to help you through this. This is a main reason why second marriages break up. If your husband won't go with you, then you go by yourself. You'll learn many useful tips and new skills to deal with the challenges.

3) Not being his parent frees you to be more of a friend! He may never want to be your friend, but if you love him unconditionally, he will eventually change his mind.

When my mother and step-father remarried, I hated him. Not him personally, but all the changes he brought to my life. I wouldn't call him my step-father. I called him my mother's husband. He loved me and only ever did good for me regardless of how rude I was to him. In 9 years we went from me walking out of the room when he came in to him walking me down the aisle. He was proud to call me daughter and I happily call him dad.

If you are mean and angry, your step-son will reject you. If you are patient and helpful and kind, someday this young man may happily claim you as family. I truly believe this is a major reason why I am alive and my step-sister is dead.
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Old November 5th, 2016, 05:05 PM
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Re: Can't stand being around stepson

Great post Lucy.
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Old May 2nd, 2017, 04:05 AM
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Re: Can't stand being around stepson

I had my 2 step kids fulltime since they were 8 & 10 they are now 24 & 26. I can still always say the wrong thing & don't get spoken for months until they want something. I'm mainly talking about my SD age 24. Shes lazy and has a 2 yr old that breaks up with boyfriends moves back home which keeps happening. And i hate it.. I havnt got any good ideas to tell you. I only think the problemsame get bigger as they get older. They have for me. And I'm like you I just want to disappear
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Old May 2nd, 2017, 05:59 AM
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Re: Can't stand being around stepson

I've always had a saying... You get what you give. Those five words can go a long way and I would tell that to my daughters and now I tell that to my grand children.

You want something... You're going to have to earn it.
You need some cash to go out with your friends? Do your chores, mow the lawn, help fold clothes, dust, empty the trash, whatever needs to be done... do it.

You raise your voice because you don't like the rules. I'm not raising my voice. I'm the parent and I own the air you breath in this house and because of your behavior you are not getting what you want. You change your behavior and be consistent with it and act in a more mature manner instead of like a five year old who didn't get their twinkie... Then I will consider it. But before I consider it you need to reflect on your behavior and figure out what you need to do to correct this situation so it doesn't happen again. Now, you have some things to do and if you do not do them you will not get the reward you are looking for.

Then I just walk away.

The cool thing about cell phones is you don't really have to confiscate the phone. You can just go online to the provider and block everything (data, voice, text).

You're the adult. You own the air they breath in your home. If you're not getting the support from your spouse... stick to your ground anyway. Talk to your husband about this. If you're not getting his support... Stay your ground and be a consistent PITA.

Some parents are weak when it comes to confrontation with teenage kids. They'll push your buttons just to push your buttons. If they don't get satisfaction from your they'll go to the other parent or they'll just ignore everything and do it anyway. Stay on them, but choose your battles. Be calm, don't raise your voice.

Don't give up and work on changing your behavior towards them. I imagine he is picking up these negative feelings you have towards him.
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Old May 2nd, 2017, 07:39 AM
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Re: Can't stand being around stepson

Only give him your attention when he is respectful. Ignore him otherwise.

If he wants something Tell him to ask his father, especially if the answer should be "no".

Don't expect him to do anything. School work, House work, pick up after himself, etc It's his father's job to teach him responsibility.

Don't tattle on him to his dad.

When he does something you like, praise him.
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Old May 2nd, 2017, 07:41 AM
JaydeeTas JaydeeTas is offline
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Re: Can't stand being around stepson

I have had a similar issue happen with me. My partner and I have split up because he couldn't cope with my son's behavior. Same deal. DS was lazy and not doing anything to better himself, he was disrespectful to me and confrontational. DS has just turned 18 and I was with my partner for 5 years.

We both had children the same age (1 month difference). This didn't help him understand because we raise our children differently and of course our children have different personalities.

My partner was in the same position as you.. When we were all in the same house he just wanted to run. He would constantly make excuses to go back to his place and not stay..

You are in a hard situation...
1. You are the step dad.. Unless your partner gives you 'permission' to be a parent, by allowing you to parent her children, you won't have a valid say in raising your step son.
2. Is this YOUR house? Did they move into your place? If so, your partner should be expecting her son to respect you as an adult in the home.
3. What you do will affect your relationship with your step-son and your relationship with you partner. Finding the balance is difficult when you're in the middle. (I felt all of us in my situation was in the middle).

Not giving up on the relationship with your step-son will be trying, especially when you expect more from him. While you are in the relationship with your partner, he will always be around.

Does your partner know how you feel? I wish I knew what my partner was feeling because he hid it for 4 years of our relationship in fear of upsetting me.. If I knew, I could have done something i.e. counselling, discussed things with DS. By the time I found out the damage was done and DS was determined to end my relationship with my partner.

Don't wait.. Try and talk to your partner, and work together as a team to overcome this hard time.

Another suggestion could be to go out during the weekend. Go fishing or meet up with friends perhaps. This way you can have some breathing space.

I hope it works out for you.
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