Go Back   Friends and Family Forum > The Family Forum > In-laws

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #1  
Old September 12th, 2019, 12:18 PM
Cremebrulee's Avatar
Cremebrulee Cremebrulee is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2007
Posts: 960
Cremebrulee has much to be proud ofCremebrulee has much to be proud ofCremebrulee has much to be proud of
Things have certainly changed

Several years ago my son left his wife and divorced her. Since then he has met a new gal…and has been dating her for 2 years….my grand-daughter loves her and she and I get along so well….

I waited for a while to post this, b/c those of you who know me, know the problems I had with my son’s wife. I was so upset, when they first separated, but as time went by I’ve observed a whole new person in my son’s personality, they way he used to be years ago. Happy, content, and no longer nervous. He is at peace now.

I feel very sorry for his ex, in many ways, however, it surely doesn’t excuse the way she negatively affected so many lives and still does. She is now dating someone, and I pray for his poor mother….

It’s so rewarding to observe him with his new love. How well they work together, it’s as if they were made for each other….the blend is amazing. The difference is, she lived all over the world, as they had to travel for her father’s corporate career. She is confident, is a take charge type person, and doesn’t care what others think about her. She is kindhearted and it reflects off of her, like a neon sign.

She is a people magnet, everyone adores her, and last night, after dinner, while they were leaving she gave me the biggest heartfelt hug….what a joy! They come over once a week for dinner, and the bonus is, her daughter and my grand-daughter are best of friends, plus she is a positive influence on my grand-daughter.

My son’s ex kept everyone to herself the best she could and was so jealous of anyone who got to close to them….especially me. She made my son’s life miserable with much heartache for 18 years, not to mention what she did to me, no matter how much I tried. In order to have any kind of relationship with my grand-daughter and son, I had to submit to her and assume all the blame. But as in all things Karma does get it’s way….I don’t wish her any bad, but I will never forget or forgiver her for what she did, and how many people she hurt….mental illness can cause so many people so much pain. If she went for help I think many would forgive her…but she refuses. It’s everyone else’s fault.

Even though my son’s new love is 20 years younger than myself, I cherish her opinions….she is not perfect, by any means, none of us are, but she brings out the best in my son…..unlike his first wife.

While I cannot imagine what he put up with for so long, b/c he never ever says anything negative about her….ever….to this day, I don’t know what it was that made him leave her….but I know it was bad. Personally I believe he thought long and hard about leaving her for many years, b/c of his daughter.
His new love is priceless and I’m so thankful to God he met her, as she has changed all of our lives in such a positive way.

I have moved to the town where they live, and it’s such a joy to have my son back, including my grand daughter who stops by and my new soon to be daughter in law.

I’m writing this only to say, even though most of you who remember me were daughter in laws, I came into this forum for help….I was so lost, hurt, and desperate, for someone to help, just by saying, we believe you. Not many of you did.

Remember not every Mother in law is a bad person, and not every daughter in law’s are bad people….sometimes it’s a personality conflict…sometimes, people are certifiable….and sometimes, we all need help at some time or another….you never know what a person is living thru, until you walk in their shoes.
Reply With Quote
  #2  
Old September 12th, 2019, 06:43 PM
LucyVanPelt's Avatar
LucyVanPelt LucyVanPelt is offline
Moderator
 
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 9,572
LucyVanPelt has a reputation beyond reputeLucyVanPelt has a reputation beyond reputeLucyVanPelt has a reputation beyond reputeLucyVanPelt has a reputation beyond reputeLucyVanPelt has a reputation beyond reputeLucyVanPelt has a reputation beyond repute
Re: Things have certainly changed

Welcome back, Creme!

I'm sorry to hear that your son and DIL divorced, but I'm glad that it actually is for the best. I'm so happy to hear that he is back to his old self and that his girlfriend is so loved!

I know I didn't believe you. My experience was from the other side. I am sorry. I am glad I was wrong, but I'm sorry I could not be a support for you.
Reply With Quote
  #3  
Old September 12th, 2019, 08:06 PM
snafu's Avatar
snafu snafu is offline
future crazy cat lady
 
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: Mid-west
Posts: 10,140
snafu has a reputation beyond reputesnafu has a reputation beyond reputesnafu has a reputation beyond reputesnafu has a reputation beyond repute
Re: Things have certainly changed

Glad things are going well for your DS and DGD.
__________________
once burned, twice shy

He who ignores history is condemed to repeat it!
(it also means you weren't smart enough to learn from your mistakes )
Reply With Quote
  #4  
Old September 13th, 2019, 06:37 AM
Cremebrulee's Avatar
Cremebrulee Cremebrulee is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2007
Posts: 960
Cremebrulee has much to be proud ofCremebrulee has much to be proud ofCremebrulee has much to be proud of
Re: Things have certainly changed

Quote:
Originally Posted by LucyVanPelt View Post
Welcome back, Creme!

I'm sorry to hear that your son and DIL divorced, but I'm glad that it actually is for the best. I'm so happy to hear that he is back to his old self and that his girlfriend is so loved!

I know I didn't believe you. My experience was from the other side. I am sorry. I am glad I was wrong, but I'm sorry I could not be a support for you.
Thank you Lucy, it's fine, no worries....and thank you for the well wishes.....
it was probably the worst time in my life, but, you live and learn....I am an extremely verbal and animated person when I talk, so its probably understandable that many here did not believe me.

I thank you kindly...hope all is well with you.
Reply With Quote
  #5  
Old September 13th, 2019, 06:38 AM
Cremebrulee's Avatar
Cremebrulee Cremebrulee is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2007
Posts: 960
Cremebrulee has much to be proud ofCremebrulee has much to be proud ofCremebrulee has much to be proud of
Re: Things have certainly changed

Quote:
Originally Posted by snafu View Post
Glad things are going well for your DS and DGD.
me to, Snafu, me to...thank you...and wishing you always the best. I believe my son is also very relieved that she and I get along so well...really admire and willingly accept her opinion, and she surely doesn't hold back...lol, part of the reason I love her so much....plus how happy and contented my son is with her....they really love each other and are so happy.
Reply With Quote
  #6  
Old September 21st, 2019, 08:04 AM
rattlesnake rattlesnake is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2017
Posts: 65
rattlesnake is on a distinguished road
Re: Things have certainly changed

Hello Cremebrulee,

I am a person who has sought comfort on forums too and did find some here, but also went to counseling. There is a tendency for people to see things through their own lens of experience and this can even include counselors, but fortunately I was able to find one who seemed to be able to look at all that I could share with him, including areas where I might have done something better or differently, and I think he very fairly asserted that people can truly be mentally ill (such as borderline personality or bipolar disorder) and this does not hand-select specific groups like only MILS or only DILs.

I would almost say it sounds like my DS married your DS's ex but I know that is not the case because she was never married before and never had children. But my situation is kind of opposite. His first wife was nice as pie and we got along great. Things were strained for sure after the divorce but since his remarriage she and I have rekindled our friendship. I am so glad to have her back in my life because though she is far from perfect like the rest of us, she is a kind, good hearted person, and I'm proud to say I love her like a daughter.

My new DIL, on the other hand despises me and I just don't see that ever changing even though I have made it clear to my DS that I will always be civil to her, invite her when our family does things, and so on.

All the best to your son and his future wife, and your whole family.
Reply With Quote
  #7  
Old September 25th, 2019, 02:42 PM
Cremebrulee's Avatar
Cremebrulee Cremebrulee is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2007
Posts: 960
Cremebrulee has much to be proud ofCremebrulee has much to be proud ofCremebrulee has much to be proud of
Re: Things have certainly changed

Quote:
Originally Posted by rattlesnake View Post
Hello Cremebrulee,

I am a person who has sought comfort on forums too and did find some here, but also went to counseling. There is a tendency for people to see things through their own lens of experience and this can even include counselors, but fortunately I was able to find one who seemed to be able to look at all that I could share with him, including areas where I might have done something better or differently, and I think he very fairly asserted that people can truly be mentally ill (such as borderline personality or bipolar disorder) and this does not hand-select specific groups like only MILS or only DILs.

I would almost say it sounds like my DS married your DS's ex but I know that is not the case because she was never married before and never had children. But my situation is kind of opposite. His first wife was nice as pie and we got along great. Things were strained for sure after the divorce but since his remarriage she and I have rekindled our friendship. I am so glad to have her back in my life because though she is far from perfect like the rest of us, she is a kind, good hearted person, and I'm proud to say I love her like a daughter.

My new DIL, on the other hand despises me and I just don't see that ever changing even though I have made it clear to my DS that I will always be civil to her, invite her when our family does things, and so on.

All the best to your son and his future wife, and your whole family.
well, I'm so sorry to hear that you've experienced this....what I did in the end was contact her and assume all blame....unfortunately she is a person who refuses to take ownership...it's everyone else's fault. So, in the end, we were getting along, only b/c I did so and had to, if I wanted any kind of relationship with my son and grand daughter.

When my son contacted me and told me that he left her, I felt awful, no one wants to see a marriage break up.

But now I see it was all for the best. My DIL has severe mental problems, but refuses to go for help....as I said, it's always everyone else and everyone is against her. honestly I believe she is angry most of the time and doesn't know why. I feel bad for her but most of the time I'm so now happy he did leave her, b/c he is back to himself, happy, joking, talks so much more, and while he never says a thing about her, personally believe he stayed so long b/c of their daughter.

It's over now, and I don't wish her any harm, what I do wish is that she would go for counseling but that will never happen. It would be a long road and struggle for her, but in the end, well worth it.

I hope things change for you, perhaps you and DIL could go for counseling together....I firmly believe in counseling.....

My best to you.
Reply With Quote
  #8  
Old September 26th, 2019, 02:44 AM
rattlesnake rattlesnake is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2017
Posts: 65
rattlesnake is on a distinguished road
Re: Things have certainly changed

Cremebrulee,

My DIL will not do counseling with me or anything at all with me. I have made it very clear I'm willing to do that.

At first I did "take the blame" for things and do a lot of apologizing when I should not have. And it worked for a while though of course I had to walk on eggshells in order to "get along" with her.


But her actions were harmful to my grandchildren, and since I have helped raise them (with encouragement from both bio parents) and I'm very close to them, I just could not stand by and do nothing. The first run-in we had was at a family picnic before she was even engaged to my DS. He had already given over his own parental responsibilities to this woman! I love my DS but it is just a fact if there is ever a woman around who will do it, he stops parenting and leaves it to the woman.

Anyway, she forced my grandson, then 9, to eat a lettuce based salad when it was obvious (to me) that he was sick. She said he was faking. I tried to stay in the background, tried to not pay attention and not interfere, but when my grandson vomited, I could not take it anymore and went over and told him he didn't have to eat it. She left in a angry huff and said I'd undermined her.

My son later told me that I "had to apologize to her." I tried to call but she would not answer the phone so I texted. She accepted the apology and life continued, but two days later I took my grandson to the doctor myself where he was diagnosed with strep-throat! When she learned this, I thought she might feel humbled and she might apologize. Well that sure never happened and in fact when this topic came up with other instances of her abuse and mistreatment of my grandkids, she once again defended making him eat the salad, once again claimed he was "faking" and she has never admitted any wrong doing, ever.

And she is a social worker, at age 32, she has never had children but has "informed" me and the bio mom that she "knows what children need" because she is a social worker.

There have been many other instances small and large but I guess the big turning point where she decided she never wanted anything to do with me again was when I learned that SHE was taking my grandson to a psychologist for what she perceived as his HORRIBLE behavior. She planned to do it when the bio mom was starting a new job and could not also attend the appointment. Yes, I went to see bio mom and convinced her that this was too important to miss and so she went to the appointment. One of the first things that came out was bio mom stating she did not approve the "boot camp" punishment they were imposing on the kids. DIL had a melt down, went to the bathroom to bawl for 10 minutes. (All told to me by my former DIL as I was not there).

I'm sure that somehow, DIL figured out that I had some influence over the bio mom being at an appointment for her own son (who is with her 5 days a week). And that is the reason my DIL hates me. No I did nothing wrong and I'm never apologizing to her again for something like that, where I actually did the right thing and I know my DS absolutely knows his ex had the right to be there, and they were the ones who should have insisted on her presence with no suggestions from me.
Reply With Quote
  #9  
Old September 26th, 2019, 12:01 PM
Cremebrulee's Avatar
Cremebrulee Cremebrulee is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2007
Posts: 960
Cremebrulee has much to be proud ofCremebrulee has much to be proud ofCremebrulee has much to be proud of
Re: Things have certainly changed

Quote:
Originally Posted by rattlesnake View Post
Cremebrulee,

My DIL will not do counseling with me or anything at all with me. I have made it very clear I'm willing to do that.

At first I did "take the blame" for things and do a lot of apologizing when I should not have. And it worked for a while though of course I had to walk on eggshells in order to "get along" with her.


But her actions were harmful to my grandchildren, and since I have helped raise them (with encouragement from both bio parents) and I'm very close to them, I just could not stand by and do nothing. The first run-in we had was at a family picnic before she was even engaged to my DS. He had already given over his own parental responsibilities to this woman! I love my DS but it is just a fact if there is ever a woman around who will do it, he stops parenting and leaves it to the woman.

Anyway, she forced my grandson, then 9, to eat a lettuce based salad when it was obvious (to me) that he was sick. She said he was faking. I tried to stay in the background, tried to not pay attention and not interfere, but when my grandson vomited, I could not take it anymore and went over and told him he didn't have to eat it. She left in a angry huff and said I'd undermined her.

My son later told me that I "had to apologize to her." I tried to call but she would not answer the phone so I texted. She accepted the apology and life continued, but two days later I took my grandson to the doctor myself where he was diagnosed with strep-throat! When she learned this, I thought she might feel humbled and she might apologize. Well that sure never happened and in fact when this topic came up with other instances of her abuse and mistreatment of my grandkids, she once again defended making him eat the salad, once again claimed he was "faking" and she has never admitted any wrong doing, ever.

And she is a social worker, at age 32, she has never had children but has "informed" me and the bio mom that she "knows what children need" because she is a social worker.

There have been many other instances small and large but I guess the big turning point where she decided she never wanted anything to do with me again was when I learned that SHE was taking my grandson to a psychologist for what she perceived as his HORRIBLE behavior. She planned to do it when the bio mom was starting a new job and could not also attend the appointment. Yes, I went to see bio mom and convinced her that this was too important to miss and so she went to the appointment. One of the first things that came out was bio mom stating she did not approve the "boot camp" punishment they were imposing on the kids. DIL had a melt down, went to the bathroom to bawl for 10 minutes. (All told to me by my former DIL as I was not there).

I'm sure that somehow, DIL figured out that I had some influence over the bio mom being at an appointment for her own son (who is with her 5 days a week). And that is the reason my DIL hates me. No I did nothing wrong and I'm never apologizing to her again for something like that, where I actually did the right thing and I know my DS absolutely knows his ex had the right to be there, and they were the ones who should have insisted on her presence with no suggestions from me.
I am so sorry for you and all involved, she is hurting so many people, including children. But, unfortunately, it's all in your son's hands...there is nothing you can do to better the situation....she won't allow it.

Is it possible you and he alone could go to counseling to better your relationship....he will and does need it.

If he refuses, (and I'm guessing he will, b/c she won't allow it) then you will unfortunately have to back off and allow him to live the life he chose. I know it's painful, believe me....18 years I lived it, but until he learns this is unacceptable behavior, there is not a thing you can do and the harder you try, the worse you will make it on yourself and him.

I would suggest counseling for you, to help you get thru this....b/c it may be a very long haul.

I know for a fact I went over and over things wondering why my son, would allow someone else to abuse him so....there were so many questions, which I'm sure you've asked yourself, but the bottom line is, she is his choice, and you have to walk away, but be there for him always...stop trying to fight it, and divert your attention into other things to get thru this....

I'm sorry I can't offer any other solutions or tries, for you, but it's a real tough situation....and I send you heartfelt sympathies in hopes this can be worked out.

you see, these abusive people will try and cut their spouse off from all family support...she wants total control of him....

But, if he leaves her down the road, I would firmly suggest you get him into counseling.

Someone needs to tell him this is unacceptable behavior and find out why he thought he deserved so little.

See, that is what it's all about, in the end....yes, she is wrong & mental, but why is he allowing this abusive pattern to control his life...?

My best to you....

Last edited by Cremebrulee; September 26th, 2019 at 12:04 PM.
Reply With Quote
  #10  
Old September 26th, 2019, 09:02 PM
snafu's Avatar
snafu snafu is offline
future crazy cat lady
 
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: Mid-west
Posts: 10,140
snafu has a reputation beyond reputesnafu has a reputation beyond reputesnafu has a reputation beyond reputesnafu has a reputation beyond repute
Re: Things have certainly changed

ITA with Cream, get counciling for yourself.

Coping strategies can help

I'm sorry you're going thru this.
__________________
once burned, twice shy

He who ignores history is condemed to repeat it!
(it also means you weren't smart enough to learn from your mistakes )
Reply With Quote
Reply

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Forum Jump


All times are GMT -7. The time now is 07:23 AM.


Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.7.3
Copyright ©2000 - 2019, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.
Copyright ©2007, The BlueSparks Network