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  #31  
Old August 12th, 2008, 02:58 AM
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Thumbs down Re: Unwanted Gifts

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Originally Posted by Cremebrulee View Post
Lady Love, think about it...one bad turn doesn't deserve another...somewhere along the line, someone has to be more grown up and stop...this is actually how wars are started and people are killed.
I read your post thouroughly and I understand your point. But I think that it is fair to say that some people abuse kindness and no one should tolerate that kind of mistreatment. When I met my in-laws, especially my BIL's crazy wife, I was very meek and quiet. I kept to myself because I was shy. Naturally, I made conversation but you could tell in the tone of my voice that I was very nervous. I think that that nervousness made BIL's wife think that I was an easy target to be bullied.

I am now stepping out and being more forward with my feelings because I am tired of being stepped on. I was, in a sense, abused by my in-laws and I will not let anyone treat me that way ever again! I have to set a strong example for my children. I cannot have them watch their mommy be treated like poo. What will that say to them?

I know that you are older and with age comes wisdom but I feel that I have to speak up for myself sometime. I cannot be married and put up with this forever.

But thank you for sharing your point of view.
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  #32  
Old August 12th, 2008, 02:58 AM
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Re: Unwanted Gifts

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Originally Posted by KayKay View Post
Creme, this is a valid point, but there really are extremes that you're ignoring. It's not a question of being "grown up". If LadyLove's BIL and SIL were "grown up" she wouldn't have this predicament.
Wisely said.
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  #33  
Old August 12th, 2008, 03:03 AM
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Re: Unwanted Gifts

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Originally Posted by elaine View Post

And, although I don't personally know the dynamics of the gift-giving issues in LL's family, I DO KNOW that some people use gifts as manipulations and to cause pain. It becomes all about the gift-giver getting what they want and caring nothing about the recipient. (I have experienced it and I know KayKay has as well.) If this is the case in LL's family, I wouldn't blame her one bit for wanting that poison out of her home and her life.
Yes, I mentioned what happened with the crib. I agree that gifts can be used for manipulation and that is not fair.
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  #34  
Old August 12th, 2008, 03:06 AM
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Re: Unwanted Gifts

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Originally Posted by KayKay View Post
It is not, IMO, "retaliation" or "revenge" Creme. It is a consequence. There's a difference. Revenge is LL leaving a flaming bag of dog poo on her SIL's front porch or deflating the air in SIL's tires. But refusing to accept the gift is not retaliation or revenge. It is setting a boundary, or actually in LL's case enforcing an existing boundary.
Yes, another valid point. I would never be mean to anyone...not on purpose. I honestly believe that not accepting gifts from my in-laws is a wise thing to do because I do not want to hear things like "Oh, she wants nothing to do with us BUT she will accept our gifts" or my favorite "She is a taker".

I have much pride and I do feel that people, like my in-laws, should respect one's wishes. I wish not to be inconvernienced with thier BS.
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  #35  
Old August 12th, 2008, 06:33 AM
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Re: Unwanted Gifts

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Quote:
Originally Posted by LadyLove View Post
I read your post thouroughly and I understand your point. But I think that it is fair to say that some people abuse kindness and no one should tolerate that kind of mistreatment. When I met my in-laws, especially my BIL's crazy wife, I was very meek and quiet. I kept to myself because I was shy. Naturally, I made conversation but you could tell in the tone of my voice that I was very nervous. I think that that nervousness made BIL's wife think that I was an easy target to be bullied.
Whewwww....I cannot tell you how relieved I am that you do understand....thank you...I was afraid my thoughts might upset you...thanks so much...and your right...I am learning..that I to have allowed people to bully me...yanno, I was thinking this morning about you, about this thread, about Kay Kay's thoughts she wrote yesterday...and she was right...I remember reading, that bullies...actually have no respect for people who allow them to bully for that very reason. So, who knows which is right...perhaps standing up from the very get go is the right thing...and if that doesn't work, we, you and I could always try the other option...or maybe implement both of them, for each situation? I dunno....but I do understand what your going thru and why...and regardless what anyone suggests...we have to do, what we feel inside will be best for us...as individuals...please let us know what happens...really hope it all works out for you...and you've given me much room for thought as well....thank you

Quote:
I am now stepping out and being more forward with my feelings because I am tired of being stepped on. I was, in a sense, abused by my in-laws and I will not let anyone treat me that way ever again! I have to set a strong example for my children. I cannot have them watch their mommy be treated like poo. What will that say to them?


yanno, your right!!! My mother was the queen of setting herself up as being a victim....she was an awfully good women, who was, if you can believe it, very childlike...extremely sheltered and void of the reality of the world. Fortunately, everyone loved her and very few people took advantage of her...but her character, filtered down to me...and I know, I'm everything you've described...yet, there are many more times, I can be so vocal...yet I fear with a greatness opening my mouth and setting off a huge chain reaction...I know it's wrong, but I so wanted my DIL to like me...so, I compromised who I was...which made me look like a complete fool to my son...he knows me better then anyone, and knows I would never have taken this off of anyone else.

Now, I've made the statement, but it's way to late...I've actually in not talking and defending my self from the very beginning...made myself look like it is all me, in his eyes. I grew silent...So, your right...in a lot of ways...the trick is, who it works with and who it doesn't.

I told Kay Kay last night, that my DIL, knows right away, what your going to say, and before you get a whole sentence out, she interrupts....I've read this is their MO...they use that as a deterrent, b/c they fear the truth coming out of you and proving them wrong (and these people are never wrong, they fear admitting to themselves they are wrong...an apology would be, to them, an admission that they were wrong, they will never say "I'm sorry" and least of all, want to hear they are wrong from anyone else, to them, it's a rejection, and they want to reject you, before you reject them, b/c they really lack any confidence)......I know she'd have gotten up and stormed out, there would be no conversation...but at least, I would have never compromised who I was in front of my child, for peace...it sent the wrong message...really wrong...so your much wiser then I was. Good for you!!!!!

Quote:
I know that you are older and with age comes wisdom but I feel that I have to speak up for myself sometime. I cannot be married and put up with this forever.


Please know and believe, I don't have all the answers, far from it...my thoughts are a culmination of age, experience, and a lot of reading and self examination....but I've made a heck of a lot of mistakes...like my mother, I realize, I had become the martyer, she was...and always tried to hard to keep the peace, and do what was best for others, instead of myself...I actually feared being selfish...like my real maternal mother...I feared being just like her...she hates people...never trusted anyone, or loved anyone, not even me...and that is the truth...she is a very lonely evil person....her mind is gone...she has not one friend...it is very sad...and a very wasteful life...and that is why I made the choices I made, cuz I never wanted to be like her...I feared being her with a passion...so, I followed my foster mom around like a little puppy dog and copied her...and prayed so much to never let me be like my real mom....so, I became my foster mom...and while she owned a greatness in so many ways...she also, like all of us...owned some very destructive character traits...like fearing travel..fearing experience, fearing change, and didn't have a lot of confidence in herself. What gave her confidence was helping others, doing for others...before doing for herself....it gave her a good feeling inside and made her small world larger.


Quote:
But thank you for sharing your point of view.
more so, thank you for sharing yours....I do so value your thoughts...you have all helped me in a great many ways...thank you for understanding and sharing yours....

Last edited by Cremebrulee; August 12th, 2008 at 06:39 AM.
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  #36  
Old August 13th, 2008, 07:36 PM
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Re: Unwanted Gifts

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Originally Posted by Cremebrulee View Post
Have you ever heard of emotional vampires...well, this is exactly what these people are...they suck the life right out of you...they make you do things and react to things that you wouldn't normally do...they make you become someone you are not.
I don't believe in this. When I have reacted badly to 'having my buttons pushed' even to being manipulated and directly lied to I am still fully responsible for my actions and reactions. There is no 'making me be someone I'm not'.

If I 'lose it' that is me doing that, not up to anyone 'making me'. And I have 'lost it', one incident really comes to mind. Those ugly parts of me are up to me to own and take care of as much as the 'nice' qualities.

Elaine says it very clearly. People can take only so many 'thumps'.

I needed to ditch much of what I was brought up with in order to take care of my boundaries, learn to say 'no' earlier and organize my life and time so I wasn't feeling tortured by anyone elses actions, inactions, moods and words. It has been hard and is an on going process. Blaming strangers, MIL, my mom, kids or husband wouldn't help me at all. Being as fully responsible as possible and owning that 'bad' stuff of mine is much more freeing.


Snafu- I feel like you are in a very hard position. Maintaining or starting a 'no thanks-I'm really not comfortable with gifts to me' stance seems healthy and self protective given all you've been through with them.

On the other hand it might undermine the message you've been building for your son and step daughter. (I'm thinking of the photography project of both your and your husbands and step daughters extended families. How is that going btw?)

If you couch it terms like you already have all you need that might seem ingenuine to you and your needs. If you are direct, "I'm not comfortable with gifts considering our rocky history," then you leave it to them to turn your meaning according to how mature/open/honest they are.

The only other option I can think of is the preemptive request. Come up with an activity or gift that furthers your goals for your family and specifically request those things that feel right to you. (Pictures or writing down a specific story for step daughters memory book/family tree scrapbook etc.) Ask for those things and turn down 'extras'. "No, asked for X. I wouldn't be comfortable accepting Y too, that would be too much."

With MIL we tried being very direct about what we really wanted which was literally spending time with her doing pleasant (innocuous) activities. This was low stress for us, "Let's go out and make some memories at the fair, community event (or where ever)."

Much of it didn't sit well with MIL. She couldn't be the 'hostess' if we were out, there was no way to attach 'strings' to making memories and in retrospect she didn't have the easiest time interacting outside the 'hostess' or 'I make food/give stuff and you praise me then do what I want' role.

We really didn't want 'things' though. We still have too much stuff and it was worse then. And she was upset that 'her' things were given away.

If she gives it isn't it ours then? We still have the heart-felt and useful stuff/toys. Things that were given with hefty doses of resentment/guilt tripping or that neither she nor DH, I, or the kids cared about/liked that she gave because 'she had to give something' all went to people that liked/would enjoy them or to goodwill.

Lots of moral support to you, Snafu, however you decide to handle it.

Last edited by nonnymouse; August 13th, 2008 at 07:43 PM.
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  #37  
Old September 29th, 2018, 05:51 PM
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Re: Unwanted Gifts

I've been in counseling and have been wrestling with the unwanted gift issue - yes, it's still ongoing


In general, I'd like to come up with a polite way to tell them to quit giving me anything & that I will never want to celebrate my wedding anniversary with them.
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  #38  
Old October 9th, 2018, 11:29 AM
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Re: Unwanted Gifts

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Originally Posted by snafu View Post
I've been in counseling and have been wrestling with the unwanted gift issue - yes, it's still ongoing


In general, I'd like to come up with a polite way to tell them to quit giving me anything & that I will never want to celebrate my wedding anniversary with them.
For the unwanted gift thing. I would kill them with kindness. Thank them for thinking about me and let it go.

For the Anniversary thing I would make plans ahead with my DH and offer them another day.

Purrs
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  #39  
Old October 9th, 2018, 05:11 PM
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Re: Unwanted Gifts

I've decided I'm going to write them a thank you, but not necessary note.
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  #40  
Old October 10th, 2018, 10:19 AM
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Re: Unwanted Gifts

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Originally Posted by snafu View Post
I've decided I'm going to write them a thank you, but not necessary note.
Good idea!!
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