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Old October 6th, 2017, 12:22 PM
mary40 mary40 is offline
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best friend dilemma LONG

Me and my friend are really close and tell each other everything, see each other every day and spend hours texting details of our life to each other. However, maybe because of my own insecurities I always feel I am more invested in the friendship than she is, even though she always proves otherwise. She went through a really tough time in her job which involved having her salary deducted, and she didnt tell me because she knew I was going to bear the cost instead of her as we work together and I was somehow involved. During that time I felt something was off but couldnt put my finger on it . One day I grilled her and she spit it out, and I couldnt beleive she would do something like that for me and was so relieved to finally know what had been going on. I expected her to get back as she was, but was still feeling wierd vibes from her. A few days later she asked me what was wrong and I was like Im getting wierd vibes from you and I think youre annoyed by me. She completely flipped out and said she couldnt beleive I would ever think that that she loved me so much blablabla. And she kept reassuring me that I was the most important person in her life. Now a day later, I feel it fired back and shes freaked out by me, like looking at me like i was some kind of wierdo to ever even think that way. I told her I feel stupid and shes like ya you are stupid. Im so worried this might fire back on our frienship and that she starts to pull away. We usually meet up for weekends , didnt last weekend and this weekend doesnt seem so either. She sent me pics of her baby daughter and when i commented shes like thank you vibes lady...joking..lool. So Im like did u miss me? Its like an inside joke... she answered no I dont...which she usually answers anyways... so I said awwww I love u too. She never answered that text. Am I reading too much into things again? we were chatting normally the whole day btw. Im just freaked out at the moment that I ruined our friendship by opening up....plsss helllp
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Old October 6th, 2017, 01:21 PM
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LucyVanPelt LucyVanPelt is offline
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Re: best friend dilemma LONG

Quote:
Originally Posted by mary40 View Post
Am I reading too much into things again? we were chatting normally the whole day btw. Im just freaked out at the moment that I ruined our friendship by opening up....plsss helllp
Yes, I think you are reading too much into things because everything was normal.

Why do you think you don't trust her to be honest with you? Do you have trust issues in other relationships?
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Old October 6th, 2017, 01:45 PM
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Re: best friend dilemma LONG

I guess I do because of my husband, he is a control freak and was controlling me for so many years and i let him do that for fear of losing him, then he cheated on me and that really made me wake up and put my foot down. We are on the verge of divorce but he is the one clinging on to the relationship now, trying to please me in any way and trying to make it work for the sake of the kids. We live apart at the moment, he comes every once in a while to see the kids. So yes, I think my relationship with him damaged my self esteem....At the moment I just really regret saying that to my friend because I feel she was shocked that I would ever even think anything like that. Usually when I have these feelings I just bottle them up and they go away because she does things that prove me wrong. Shes my closest friend and I feel so foolish for letting my feelings out this time, even though she was almost apologetic at first.Im just worried it damages our friendship....but again maybe Im just stressing too much again
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Old October 6th, 2017, 01:52 PM
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Re: best friend dilemma LONG

Your relationship with your husband really damaged your self-esteem. You doubt yourself, which makes you doubt your friend, too.

You will damage your relationship if you keep doubting your friendship and need her to prove it over and over again.

What's happening under the surface is that you're expecting this friend to fix what your husband broke. That's something that only you can heal.

Have you tried counseling?
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Old October 6th, 2017, 02:06 PM
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Re: best friend dilemma LONG

thanks for replying so quickly....No I havent tried counselling. And as for our friendship, yes I have insecurities but never showed or made her feel them before. Usually its just in my mind and I deal with it and get over it. This is the first time I speak about it, and after how I felt after letting my feelings out I wont ever do it again because I feel so regretful I did....so I just hope this one time isnt going to ruin our friendship. The strange thing is that I have these insecurities only with this particular friend, my other friends I am always sure of and dont have the same worries. Mutual friends sometimes comment that shes moody and makes them feel like shes tired of them. My other friend keeps telling me that im giving too much in this friendship and not taking as much as I'm giving....maybe this puts things more in perspective. When I told her what happened she said I didnt do anything wrong and that she also had the feeling lately that she(my friend) was being snappy. But I guess this was a lesson to deal with my own issues....do u think our friendship will be affected from this one incident?
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Old October 7th, 2017, 06:34 AM
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Re: best friend dilemma LONG

I don't think the one incident will ruin the friendship if you can leave it in the past.

I would advise you to stop talking to other friends about this friend. That will ruin a friendship. I understand you need to vent and that you're looking for support, but this will ultimately be a problem.

I also strongly encourage you to find a good talk-counselor/therapist. They will help you process the conflict in your marriage and help you to repair your self-esteem.
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Old October 7th, 2017, 08:23 AM
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Re: best friend dilemma LONG

yes youre so right I should stop venting....thank you so much for your support! I guess everythings fine, havent hung out this weekend bcs shes busy with her mom but were talking normally and everythings fine I guess.I really have to stop overthinking everything and analyzing all the small details.
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Old October 7th, 2017, 12:43 PM
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Re: best friend dilemma LONG

Quote:
Originally Posted by mary40 View Post
yes youre so right I should stop venting....
For clarity-- you may certainly vent to someone, just not to mutual friends.

Good luck with this.
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Old October 7th, 2017, 08:53 PM
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Re: best friend dilemma LONG

I kind of have a clearer mind now and think I should elaborate to my friend exactly what it was that made me feel that way because Im getting the feeling she now thinks Im some kind of wierdo. Im doing a whole bunch of stuff for her for free and recently she had started acting like it was a burden even though what Im doing is for her and its really coming from my heart. Plus on two occasions she put someone else a priority over me in something we've been doing for years together at that time. So should i elaborate or just let it go....she reached out to me yesterday saying she missed me so much,but then I see on her snap that she went out with a girl she always says she cant stand at a time where she would usually either come over or have me over.The whole situation is kind of confusing me right now. Im going to see her today and really dont know if I should explain myself further or let it go.
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Old October 8th, 2017, 04:42 AM
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Re: best friend dilemma LONG

Let it go. You're going to seem like a high maintenance friend and you'll ruin your friendship.

Instead, evaluate what need you've been using her to fulfill and find a way to fill it yourself.
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