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Old August 28th, 2009, 10:34 AM
Wolfedawg Wolfedawg is offline
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disrespectful step son

Here's my dilemma, Where do I start? I have a 22 year old step son that has gone off to a local college. This summer he lived at home (no job, major slob) and pretty much bummed all summer long. He's very nomadic, moving from the dorms to an apartment then back home now back to the dorms.
To make a long story short, during the summer his 18 year old girlfriend on ocassion would spend the night with him having sex at the house. evidenced by the condoms,wrappers and other gross things (I'll spare you the details.) I had a talk with his mother about it and told her I felt it was very disrespectful, finally, she talked with him and the overnights stopped. Now he is moving back to the dorms (thanks god!) however, when he feels the urge for sex he tells his mom that he needs to study at home (too noisy in the dorms) and bring his girlfriend over and spends the night however she leaves after the sex. Am I being old fashioned? and should just let it go, or do I have a right to be upset and uncomfortable in my own house? his mother is very Naive and can't see past her heart.
There's other things that drive me crazy, his sense of entitlement is out of whack, he takes things (24 packs of pack, mouthwash etc.) without permission. We find out the hard way when we go to use it. His mother sees no problem with it and defends him when I talk to her about it.
Before we married I took a class on parenting step kids and was told to
go to the mother if there are problems and she should work it out with the kids.





Thanks!

Mike
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Old August 28th, 2009, 12:25 PM
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LucyVanPelt LucyVanPelt is offline
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Re: disrespectful step son

Welcome to the forum, Mike.

You are completely within your rights to address this. If he's leaving condom wrappers and other things around, then he's being disrespectful. He is in college. At this point, he should be working and paying for some of his necessities, imo.

The advice you've gotten is spot on-- you should take this to his mother and she should correct the behavior. If she's not, then you have a choice to make. You can ignore it for x years or you can tell your wife that her decision to ignore your needs is creating a marital problem as well.

Or that the third route. If he's uncomfortable having sex in his dorm, why not make it uncomfortable for him to have sex at home? You can remove the door to his room "because it needs to be sanded and painted." You can turn on music and have a bunch of friends over when you know he's coming home. You can walk back and forth in the hall and knock on the door and ask him if he's seen your ____. That should let him know that coming home isn't a good plan.
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Old August 28th, 2009, 12:43 PM
Brownie Brownie is offline
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Re: disrespectful step son

How long have you been married?
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Old August 28th, 2009, 01:58 PM
Wolfedawg Wolfedawg is offline
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Re: disrespectful step son

Quote:
Originally Posted by LucyVanPelt View Post
Welcome to the forum, Mike.

You are completely within your rights to address this. If he's leaving condom wrappers and other things around, then he's being disrespectful. He is in college. At this point, he should be working and paying for some of his necessities, imo.

The advice you've gotten is spot on-- you should take this to his mother and she should correct the behavior. If she's not, then you have a choice to make. You can ignore it for x years or you can tell your wife that her decision to ignore your needs is creating a marital problem as well.

Or that the third route. If he's uncomfortable having sex in his dorm, why not make it uncomfortable for him to have sex at home? You can remove the door to his room "because it needs to be sanded and painted." You can turn on music and have a bunch of friends over when you know he's coming home. You can walk back and forth in the hall and knock on the door and ask him if he's seen your ____. That should let him know that coming home isn't a good plan.

Thanks! that's not a bad Idea, maybe a little sand in the bed the possibilities are endless

I've been married 11 years and love my Wife but I'm starting to question her parenting skills. She's very strict with them until they reach 18 then it seems that she becomes their friend and not parent.
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Old August 30th, 2009, 02:04 PM
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Re: disrespectful step son

I couldn't tell from your post if you still have younger kids at home.

(my DSD is 16 & her mom died when she was 8 yr old- DH has problems setting AND ENFORCING limits)

This is what I told my DH

Boys/boyfriends ARE NOT allowed in DSD's bedroom PERIOD!!! It sets a bad example for my DS (who is 10 yr). MY DS will NOT be allowed to have girls/girlfriends in his bedroom when he's older and we are not having different rules for the kids - that would just cause arguments. That once DSD reachs 18 yr it is between him & her if he wants to allow her to spend the night at some guy's house. BUT SHE IS NOT ALLOWED TO SLEEP WITH GUYS IN OUR HOUSE AS MY DS LIVES HERE - and I don't want them setting a bad example for him.

Last edited by snafu; August 30th, 2009 at 02:05 PM. Reason: spelling is not my forte today (sigh)
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Old October 19th, 2009, 12:23 PM
Fishman Fishman is offline
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Re: disrespectful step son

Naturally, stepparents become very upset when their stepchildren are disrespectful to them. I’ve had parents come to me in difficult situations where the kids were really being rude or obnoxious, saying things like, “You’re not my father, I don’t have to listen to you!” Let me be clear: parents have to be careful, because once that kind of behavior gets entrenched, it’s very difficult to stop. By being rude, kids protect themselves—and they train adults what not to ask of them and what not to expect of them.

The answer here is that you and your partner have to decide ahead of time how the kids in the family will talk to each parent. You set the expectations together, and then you remain consistent; you hold each child accountable.
Here’s an example. If one of your stepkids says, “You’re not my mom; I don’t have to do what you say!” You can say, “No, I’m not your mother, but you have to do your homework anyway.” Or, “We’re not talking about me being your father. We’re talking about when you’re going to start your homework.”


Now, the consequences for that kind of behavior should be swift and clear. The kids in the family should know that if they disrespect their stepmother or stepfather, they will lose their cell phone privileges for the rest of the night, for example. In other words, there should be no tolerance for that kind of disrespect. When it comes down to it, both adults work hard for the family, both adults are struggling, both adults are making sacrifices—so the rule is that the kids have to treat them both with respect. They don’t have to call them Mom or Dad unless they want to, but they have to be respectful.

Last edited by KayKay; October 19th, 2009 at 12:24 PM. Reason: Remove link; advertising is against forum rules
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