Go Back   Friends and Family Forum > The Family Forum > Step-families

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #11  
Old June 2nd, 2011, 04:48 PM
HisHeathenHoney's Avatar
HisHeathenHoney HisHeathenHoney is offline
She Who Must Be Obeyed
 
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: San Francisco Bay Area
Posts: 3,182
HisHeathenHoney has much to be proud ofHisHeathenHoney has much to be proud ofHisHeathenHoney has much to be proud of
Re: Bad StepMom 2

Oh, just wanted to chime in with one parenting multiple kids tip that I found to be a lifesaver.

Babies tend to demand a lot of attention, a lot of the time, and their needs are urgent. Everybody jumps. Pick up the baby, feed the baby, rock the baby, change the baby. Older kids are expected to wait. Now, older kids should be expected to wait, but you also can't expect little kids to feel thrilled that THEY have to wait for something they want while THAT BABY just has to peep and then everyone is jumping through hoops.

One way to alleviate this a little is to occasionally make the baby wait a little bit, and ANNOUNCE to the baby that he has to wait. This is obviously not so much for the baby's benefit as for the older child, so the older child can hear you factoring in his needs too.

Example: Baby squawks. You say, "just a minute baby, I will pick you up just as soon as I pour DSS his juice." Yes, it is a maternal impulse to grab your crying baby instantly, but look for opportunities to make him wait when it would just be for a teeny bit, and announce it. It doesn't have to be "wait while I help DSS finish his homework" but while I get him juice, while I tie his shoes, while I peel an orange for him.

And if baby keeps squawking (which he will since the baby doesn't understand what you said), you can smile at DSS and say "Baby doesn't understand that we sometimes have to wait for what we want, huh? That's how babies are. But he will learn someday."

That will help the older one feel that he doesn't ALWAYS get pushed aside for the sake of the baby, and also reassure him that your long-term goal is to raise someone who has to follow the rules, just like he does--it just can't be expected yet.

And as a bonus, I can tell you, my younger kid is WAYYY better at waiting before getting what he wants, because he got small controlled doses of it from birth.
Reply With Quote
  #12  
Old June 2nd, 2011, 05:07 PM
KayKay's Avatar
KayKay KayKay is offline
Moderator
 
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Texas
Posts: 16,170
KayKay has a reputation beyond reputeKayKay has a reputation beyond reputeKayKay has a reputation beyond reputeKayKay has a reputation beyond reputeKayKay has a reputation beyond repute
Re: Bad StepMom 2

I like that HHH.

Just after I gave birth to DD and was in my hospital room, DH and DS were visiting. A nurse came in and DH and DS left. The nurse nodded towards DS and said "How old is he?" I said "15 months" and she said "Here's some advice. She (nodding towards DD) won't notice if you don't go to her first. He (nodding toward the door) will."

That was pretty darn good advice, IMO.
__________________
Expecto Patronum!
Reply With Quote
  #13  
Old June 3rd, 2011, 02:03 AM
Lizzie's Avatar
Lizzie Lizzie is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Ireland (DUBLIN)
Posts: 852
Lizzie will become famous soon enough
Re: Bad StepMom 2

Yes, it a hard balancing trick...I may have got it wrong!
Reply With Quote
  #14  
Old June 4th, 2011, 05:33 AM
WckdStpMom WckdStpMom is offline
Junior Member
 
Join Date: May 2011
Posts: 11
WckdStpMom is on a distinguished road
Re: Bad StepMom 2

HH & Kaykay thanks, that makes sense. I'll try that.

Snafu, yup did some research, most of it has more to do about a stepmom's part on discipline, about not talking bad about the biological mom, possible behaviours we should watch out for and understand... but I somehow understood that guides will never really cover everything that's why I kept looking and that's how I got to this forum. I'm learning a lot thatks to you all.
Reply With Quote
  #15  
Old June 4th, 2011, 06:49 PM
Holly Holly is offline
Junior Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 3
Holly is on a distinguished road
Re: Bad StepMom 2

Hi StepMom....

You're not a bad stepmom, you are just experiencing a crash course in the joys of motherhood. I imagine you will feel annoyed at times when your new baby is crying and won't stop. The part that makes us good moms is that even if we are annoyed, we keep on doing what we do anyay.

I was a caretaker for my 9 year old cousin and I still usually am when the time calls, even though I've moved out of their house and have my own child. She annoys me, but I have a really good bond with her anyway. It's those annoying times that create bonds, I think.

You will be fine! Overwhelmed? Yes. Annoyed? Of course? Good mom and stepmom? Absolutely. Good luck to you!
Reply With Quote
  #16  
Old June 4th, 2011, 07:35 PM
KayKay's Avatar
KayKay KayKay is offline
Moderator
 
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Texas
Posts: 16,170
KayKay has a reputation beyond reputeKayKay has a reputation beyond reputeKayKay has a reputation beyond reputeKayKay has a reputation beyond reputeKayKay has a reputation beyond repute
Re: Bad StepMom 2

Welcome, Holly.
__________________
Expecto Patronum!
Reply With Quote
  #17  
Old June 8th, 2011, 01:55 AM
WckdStpMom WckdStpMom is offline
Junior Member
 
Join Date: May 2011
Posts: 11
WckdStpMom is on a distinguished road
Re: Bad StepMom 2

Hi Holly,

Thanks. You are right, I am going through a crash course on motherhood and at the same time stepmotherhood.

So much to learn so little time and a lot of fears inside me. I know i'll probably make mistakes but hopefully nothing too damaging for their futures.

I love my DS. I don't know yet how I feel about my DSS. All I know is that I want him to have a little more stability than what he's had for the past years, a home, a place to feel like a 9 yr old instead of someone who has to grow up so fast or still act like a 3 to 5 yr old. I want them both to love each other and have a good future. Healthy, Smart and good inside. Thanks for the good wishes, I'll need all the luck I can get.
Reply With Quote
  #18  
Old June 10th, 2011, 03:27 PM
snafu's Avatar
snafu snafu is offline
future crazy cat lady
 
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: Mid-west
Posts: 9,852
snafu has a reputation beyond reputesnafu has a reputation beyond reputesnafu has a reputation beyond reputesnafu has a reputation beyond repute
Re: Bad StepMom 2

One book I found that had good advice (at least I thought so) was called "Divorce and New Beginnings" by Virginnia Clapp.

I have found that advice echoed in other books. Another book was called "The Smart Step-family" or maybe it was the smart step-parent.

Councilors even recommened some of the same things - your DH & DSS should spend some one-on-on time together. You and step-son should also spend some one-on-one time together (ie read to him before bed, take him to an arcade & paly airhockey)


and there should be family activities too (a trip to the park, the pool, go see a movie)
__________________
once burned, twice shy

He who ignores history is condemed to repeat it!
(it also means you weren't smart enough to learn from your mistakes )
Reply With Quote
  #19  
Old June 17th, 2011, 06:21 PM
snafu's Avatar
snafu snafu is offline
future crazy cat lady
 
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: Mid-west
Posts: 9,852
snafu has a reputation beyond reputesnafu has a reputation beyond reputesnafu has a reputation beyond reputesnafu has a reputation beyond repute
Re: Bad StepMom 2

One of the things I did that allowed all the parents to be acknowledged was put up various pictures on one wall in my home.

I asked both kids (my DS & DSD) to pick their favorite pict of them and other parent together. I then bought cool/neat frames & hung the picts. I also picked one of my favorite picts of DSD's mom (she passed away) and hung a small copy of it & a small pict of my ex in a similar frame.
__________________
once burned, twice shy

He who ignores history is condemed to repeat it!
(it also means you weren't smart enough to learn from your mistakes )
Reply With Quote
Reply

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Forum Jump


All times are GMT -7. The time now is 12:34 PM.


Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.7.3
Copyright ©2000 - 2018, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.
Copyright 2007, The BlueSparks Network