Go Back   Friends and Family Forum > The Family Forum > Step-families

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #21  
Old January 22nd, 2008, 05:21 PM
1dilwhosreal 1dilwhosreal is offline
Guest
 
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: North East
Posts: 2,068
1dilwhosreal will become famous soon enough
Re: Afraid of the step:

Quote:
Originally Posted by flowerpots View Post
But I'm afraid after she painted up my new outfit, I find that I no longer give a dam about her...that was the top of it all for me, she has distroyed SO much of my stuff,and this was the last straw. This was a very CHILDISH, NASTY & VICIOUS act from her. I believe all this also comes under the heading of harrassing an seniour, which is also illegal in this counrty. And It IS harrassment, and to the point that I AM scared of her, and I just WISH there was some solution to all of this. It's a hard (& in some ways nasty) story all the way around.
The solution to all this is to not give her access to the home. If DH insists, then you have a DH problem and you need to take it up with him or take matters into your own hands.

Elder abuse is a crime, but what she did would not fall into that category. You could have her charged with trespassing, destruction of property, vandalism, assault. You may be able to get a restraining order depending on what has happened and what you can prove.

If you are seriously that afraid of her, and your DH continues to do nothing, then maybe you should consider contacting a lawyer to determine your rights and move out on your own.
Reply With Quote
  #22  
Old January 22nd, 2008, 05:42 PM
flowerpots flowerpots is offline
Junior Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2008
Posts: 15
flowerpots is on a distinguished road
Re: Afraid of the step:

WE WOULD LOVE TO SELL THE HOUSE....but a promise IS a promise. Nothing would please me more. Living in this house is just as hard for me to do. Sorry, but I`m not familular with the term IRL... Actually I HAVE stopped ppl from talking about her, it made me feel too uncomfortable.
Actually she & I don`t FIGHT bc I`m too afraid of her to even answer her most of the time. Understand here (I DID say this is only the tip of the iceburg) It dosen`t even matter what kind of DISCUSSION we have, no matter what I SAY, I am wrong...even if it`s something she has no clue about.(and THIS storu is about as childish as anything can get, but here goes...all true, just anopther example of how things go here)
Last Christmas they wre here for the day (& YES, we DID get along, she evenhelped me cook the meal....all went well till I dropped a piece of potatoe on the floor (which we had replaced recently...with her permission; oit was 38 yrs old & starting to really look it...As I cleaned up the mess I made acomment (in ALL innocence, just a comment most women would make) about messing up `my nice new floor`...she sais...`wellll, it IS a NEW floor...and it IS NICE`right there she tried to get something going but I just don`t very often bite.
ANyway back tpo the `story`. After dinner she & I were sitting visiting while the men did the dishes. Talk got around to some ppl I knew `back home`who wound up with a bear in their house (I come from up North, in BEAR country...along with the wolves, cougars, wolverines.... ) ANyway, to my surprise, I was told straight pout that NYONE who had problems with bear is absolutely & COMPLETELY THEIR OEWN FAULY`bcause she had taken a `bear awareness course....`` What had happened here, was that the man started to go out to do chores & here was a bear at the bottom of the steps....he ducked back inside to get a gun (with the intension of shooting to scare it away because at this point it wasn`t causing any problems. He heard a noise, looked behind...& here was the bear, right behind him...IN THE HOUSE. Well NOW What was he to do The law states that we are to have our guns locked up, the clip locked up in ANOTHER AREA of the house,....he didn`t have TIME to go after keys, unlock the gun, unlock the clip, load the gun & then shoot this bear...All he had on hand was a shotgun loaded with birdshot. So he shot the bear with that. Bear just shook his head & kept right on comming sh he gave it another shot & THIS time hit the bear in the side, which while would never kill him WOULD hurt...It worked, the bear turned tail & ran....SOMEHOW she turned things so thst it was HIS FAULT IN THE FIRST PLACE that the bear was even in the YARD let alone follow the man into the yard.... We hashed this out for a while, (Incidentaly, my dsu & I had the POLIECE & WARDENS take us out the front door of our house IN TOWN years ago because there was a bear trying to come in the side door)
anyway I finally gave up on the bear bit, because no matter what I said I was wrong...I ONLY LIVED in bear country after-all, I didn`t know anything about them...
THEN she started in about the GUN ISSUE....SHe stated, absolutely STATED, that `no-one, no matter WHERE we lived, had guns in the house. I couldn`t even BELIEVE THIS ONE...Of COURSE we had guns...BEARS BROKE INTO OUR HOMES....killed our dogs in the yards, killed our cattle....YES WE DID HAVE GUNS,,,,I HAD MY OWN...but no matter what I said, she told me flat out, `no, I`m sorry, but NONE of you had guns in your house. Because at my work, no-matter how MANY men are sent out into the `field`, only ONE of the is allowed to carry a gun`Direct quote. I tried & tried & TRIED to explain things to her, butit didn`t matter, she still insisted that NO-ONE...NO_ONE...in Canada have guns in their houses. I finally gave up & just walked out of the room.
How do you BEAT something like this...I actually had a 30-30 & a double barrelled shotgun, which (shotgun) is something most women had in the house just in case....But she just kept on INSISXTING that NO_ONE has guns in their houses...
This is only ONE EXAMPLE of what visiting with her is like...What am I supposed to do, HOW am I supposed to visit with her...
I agree with you totally, that we should ALL have counsolling, and that he DID llow`her to controll him like this, he sais it was just easier then constantly quarreling about his wife about it. So now she is STILL controlling him.... There is LOTS of things you all are saying here that I agree with....But I ALSO don`t see how or WHY I am a CRIMINAL in all this....
Reply With Quote
  #23  
Old January 22nd, 2008, 05:43 PM
nonnymouse's Avatar
nonnymouse nonnymouse is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: West Coast, USA
Posts: 1,032
nonnymouse will become famous soon enough
Re: Afraid of the step:

That she dictates what he should wear and ruins your property (your outfit) are inappropriate behaviors, you are right about that.

However it is up to your husband to feel he deserves to be treated with respect, set boundaries and maintain them himself. It sounds like you have an uphill battle with him before you can expect him to do those things.

Dealing with her about the outfit is up to you. It was your property and all the other issues aside, you can say it is unexceptable to ruin your things. Are you sure she did it? Could your husband have set it on your palette by accident? What did she say when you spoke to her about it?

What kind of support could you expect from your own kids if something happens to your husband? Surely they wouldn't really let you be 'out in the street'?

I'm sorry your step daughter is not mature and even more sorry you are feeling afraid of her.
Reply With Quote
  #24  
Old January 22nd, 2008, 05:47 PM
flowerpots flowerpots is offline
Junior Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2008
Posts: 15
flowerpots is on a distinguished road
Re: Afraid of the step:

Quote:
Originally Posted by snafu View Post
You really should see a lawyer & find out what the LAW says in your state. I would also have an honest talk with hubby & lawyer about what could happen if he goes first given how SD feels about you & the house.


(edit: Flowerpot to "reply" to a particular comment that has been made go to the box on the lower right of the post that says "Quote" and click on that. )


..OK hopefully I`m doing things right now. To take out what you have posted to make room for mine do i highlight your message & click delete or what do I do...
I had a bit of a talk with him a few mornings ago. Lots of this he didn`t know because I hadn`t told him...comments about me not having a home etc....Now THERE is an extremely scary, insecure feeling....
Reply With Quote
  #25  
Old January 22nd, 2008, 05:58 PM
grubby's Avatar
grubby grubby is offline
Moderator
 
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: In the middle of nowhere
Posts: 1,769
grubby will become famous soon enough
Re: Afraid of the step:

You state that you had a home and furniture before you moved in with your husband. May I asked what happened to these? Were they sold? If so, what happened to the proceeds from the sale?

I am glad that you were happy for your dad when he started dating again. I also get the fact that you were a lot older than in your 20s at the time. I also have to wonder if your dad lied and hid it from you like a dirty little secret. Apparently not if you helped him get dressed.

The senior abuse thing actually had me laughing. Dramatic much. If you are that dramatic about this, what else are dramatizing?

Here are straight facts as I see them: Your stepdaughter is a brat. You are CHOOSING to live like this. Your DH is choosing to allow his daughter to act and treat you like this. Neither one of you want to do what it takes to stop it, which would entail your husband to be the bad guy to his daughter. Change the freakin locks or live with it. What the heck do you have to lose by the changing the locks. Your stepdaughter already hates you. If your husband won't do it, that says more about him than his daughter.

I also have no idea why you keep bashing the first wife. It makes you sound jealous. Maybe you are. Maybe your mad at him and yourself because she had him for 32 years and you threw that away. The fact remains that his first wife has NOTHING to do with what is going on now. She is dead for goodness sake and if your husband can refrain from bashing someone he obviously loved enough to share a bed with for 32 years, then maybe you and his family could do the same. Who cares if she can or cannot cook, or knit or if she robbed a bank. What does that have to do with the here and know. No matter if she could actually cook that was still her kitchen and her daughter will always see it that way. If I can pick up on the fact that you hated the first wife, then I bet your stepdaughter can too.

(sorry elaine and 1dil, I couldn't help myself)
Reply With Quote
  #26  
Old January 23rd, 2008, 12:11 PM
flowerpots flowerpots is offline
Junior Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2008
Posts: 15
flowerpots is on a distinguished road
Re: Afraid of the step:

Dealing with her about the outfit is up to you. It was your property and all the other issues aside, you can say it is unexceptable to ruin your things. Are you sure she did it? Could your husband have set it on your palette by accident? What did she say when you spoke to her about it?

What kind of support could you expect from your own kids if something happens to your husband? Surely they wouldn't really let you be 'out in the street'?

OK Hope I'm doing this right now
"Could your husband have set it on your pallette by accident?
No. They came down on the Saterday morn b/c we were all going to a wedding that afternon(family) so we went together. THEN that night DH & I were going to the Stampede dance that was being held the next day. (I wore the new pant suit this day:Saterday. ) DH had already told them that they could stay home & watch TV or do whatever the wanted Sat night, but he & I were going dancing; if they wanted to come they were welcome (They came: we didn't even stay a whole hour b/c they don't dance & didn't like the music: They knew what kind of music it would be before they decided to come with us also.) We had a few dances & then (we would sit with them,sit out a dance so they wouldn't feel negleted) between dances, but then we came & sat down & she made a snide remark about my dancing (DH & I used to dance all the time befor, and later I was a dance TEACHER: I CAN REALLY dance; not meaning to sound concieted about it) Her mother didn't like dancing so they VERRY seldom danced The first time he & I went dancing was the first he had danced in over 15 years. Anyway, we left very soon after that. When we got home I just left my new outfit on the floor of my room as THEY ALWAYS sleep downstairs when they come & I didn't want to disturb their privacy by bringing this down to the laundry.
Next morning DH & I had to be at the stampede grounds by 9am b/c he had to 'work the gate' They decided they wouldn't come till later b/c they wanted to go to the town (neighbouring town) to watch the stampede parade which started at 11am. It would have lasted mabey 15 minutes, NOT a large area.
ANyway they didn't come & didn't come...and I was starting to feel VERY uneasy but couldn't say why. They finally showed up at 1:30 & even then didn't sit with us.
A wee dieviation here now: When they first came in that Saterday morn & she tied into her dad b/c he was wearing shorts..."men don't WEAR shorts...it's un DIGNIFIED...Men have such UGLY LEGS".... Direct QUOTE here... GUESS WHAT HER DH wore to the Stamppede??? Right: SHORTS. (Whch I agree befor it's said, what he wears in none of my business...BUT neither was MY Husband wearing shorts any of HER business...and it was FINE for HIM to wear shorts, even in PUBLIC...which MY DH never did: Double standard here:
Back to the pantsuit. They left for home striaght from the stampede grounds after we all had a BBQ dinner together. NEXT MORNING I had other commitments so didn't get to do laundry till TUESDAY morn....gathered up my pantsuit & other clothes & DH's clothes & went down to do the wash. It was when I went to put the top into the machine that I noticed all this burgundy paint...It was smeared here & there all over the WHITE parts of it...great smears of it, and pretty well ALL of the collar but the UNDERNEATH of the collar. I showed it to DH & we took it over to my paint pallette & compared the colors ;YUP: The they ALSO took a tube of dk brown & must have held the very tip of one collar point & dipped this IN TO the paint...and I still haven't gotten all of THAT off....DID fianlly get the rest out but it took four washes & LOTS of laundry spray...Don't forget acrylics dry very fast & this had from either Saterday night OR SUnday morning to Tiesday morning to really dry on. Also two of my brushes were totally ruined. One was just a $2.00 brush from Wallmart but the other was pushing $30.00 SO THIS means that not ONLY did she (will say 'they) do this, but they also had to have gone into OUR BEDROOM to GET this, & then again to put it BACK IN our bedroom.

"My own kids leaving me out in the street...No of course they wouldn't...but at the same time SHE wouldn't hesitate...even tho it was the house my husband moved me into...and would revert to her once we were both gone...How MANY men (especially when he can't afford to build) DO move thier wives into HIS home??? The bigger percentage I would say.
But back to mine; No, they WOULDN"t EVER allow me to
live on the street" I would have to move IN WITH one of them & their spuce..which seldom works for ANY family for the long term.
I often DREAM about 'starving-to-death' & such things, which again in rediculous, but it's all just part of the stress I'm under; & the feeling of insecurity I guess.

They ALL, incidentally, think the3 WORLD of him: EVEN THO their dad was still in their area, & THEY could have taken the stand that "Mom if you're tired of living alone now; OUR DAD IS RIGHT HWERE" butthe didn't, even when this strange man came & moved THERE MOTHER 3 1/2 hour drive away. ANd Ias I believe I mentiond somewhere (hope I did) my son was still LIVING WITH ME he was still in school...so imagine what a change THAT was for HIM....
The step on the other hand, had been away from home for 7 years already, so was USED to not seeing her parents all the time, they would go up every few weeks to visit, till her mother wound up in EXTENDICARE/mental which is a LOOOONG ways away from here (I BELIEVE the only hospital of this kind (at THAT time) in all of ALBERTA...So again, she was used to not being with her parents. She had a series of strokes & then kind of lost her mind as the saying goes.
This NOT TO SAY that I'm downplaying her mother's death: I'm not: I have lost both my parents I am assuming that most ppl on here have lost at least one parent by now...she's not the only one who has ever lost a mother by any means....(in fact I lost 11 family members in an 7year time span: I know what it's all about.)
...AND...We STILL go up every few weeks or so...in the winter it's more like every 6 weeks or so...But MINE see me for a few days each YEAR....
Reply With Quote
  #27  
Old January 23rd, 2008, 12:31 PM
flowerpots flowerpots is offline
Junior Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2008
Posts: 15
flowerpots is on a distinguished road
Re: Afraid of the step:

....My dad had a dirty little secret that he kept from me'???No definately not: Why, it this the sort of thing YOU do?
And no, while this may sound like I'm bashing a dead woman, I certainly don't mean to sound this way: more like trying to get ppl to undrstand a little bit from ALL sides, not just from the one side.
I actually have never mentioned her mother to her, unless SHE brings it up & then i'm always very carefull what I say. And the issue about her not being able to COOK??? This was just a mention that even her own DAUGHTER admitted. I believe I ALSO said that this was fine, not everyone can cook (or some such) this was NOT a bash. I ALSO believe I was praising her when I mentioned her KNITTING: And believe me she COULD knit. Probably better then anyone I've ever known: And I am a knitter myself & would be the first person to admit that she could knit RINGS around me...SO you see, I AM cap[able of saying nice things too, and giving credit....)
And yes, I DO know that not everyone can do everything. I am a believer that we all equal out in the end: What YOU (or your spouse) CAN DO, I might not be ABLE to do, or not as WELL> Then; what I CAN do you (or yor wife) CANNOT do or not do as well....It's the same with her mother: SHe could knit, I Can ALSO but not nearly as good. I am a good COOK while SHE was NOT: SHE could sing just BEAUTIFULLY whereas I can't carry a tune in a WHeat-basket...(My step is ALSO a lovely singer BTW)
Actually, while he & I were engaged befor, someone took a picture of me sitting on his knee. From SOMEWHERE she found this picture & believe it or NOT, she kept this photo in the kitchen, on a little shelf just above a section of the counter. He would take it & go put it away with other pictures(No, he did NOT 'KEEP MY PICTURES ALL AROUND: actually he thought he'd gotten rid of them but I guess this one must have been somewhere...) Anyway he would put it away & a few weeks later it would be right back there...he would put it away (he admits he should have distroyed it) Anyway this went on for a number of years, till finally he just left it there...Then after she had her first stroke it totally dissappeared.
Now what on EARTH was the purpose of THIS???
Reply With Quote
  #28  
Old January 23rd, 2008, 02:45 PM
1dilwhosreal 1dilwhosreal is offline
Guest
 
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: North East
Posts: 2,068
1dilwhosreal will become famous soon enough
Re: Afraid of the step:

flowerpots, I'm reading your posts, and seriously, I think you should be talking to someone who is a professional.

You are saying that the dead wife isn't an issue, but the majority of what you're writing is about the dead wife. Structurally, this suggests that she's a problem for you-- not just from the step's point of view-- and you're not recognizing it. Perhaps you consciously know that it's illogical to be jealous of a dead woman and the life she had with a man you rejected, but subconsciously?

Do yourself and your DH a favor-- see someone professionally and in real life (IRL) who can help you figure out how to deal with this emotion as well as give you tools to deal with your step daughter.
Reply With Quote
  #29  
Old January 24th, 2008, 08:24 AM
grubby's Avatar
grubby grubby is offline
Moderator
 
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: In the middle of nowhere
Posts: 1,769
grubby will become famous soon enough
Re: Afraid of the step:

Quote:
Originally Posted by flowerpots View Post
....My dad had a dirty little secret that he kept from me'???No definately not: Why, it this the sort of thing YOU do?
No need to get snippy honey. In fact, that is the sort of thing you and your husband did when you "secretly" met up to date.

1dil is right. You really do need to see a professional.
Reply With Quote
  #30  
Old January 24th, 2008, 09:04 AM
august august is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2007
Posts: 176
august is on a distinguished road
Re: Afraid of the step:

(((I often DREAM about 'starving-to-death' & such things, which again in rediculous, but it's all just part of the stress I'm under; & the feeling of insecurity I guess.)))

this line right here is the ultimate giver in the need to go see a professional.

The dead wife is the #1 issue here with you, maybe you don't think you can compare....maybe you hate her for the choices you made almost 40 years ago...other wise you wouldn't say things like this:Her mother didn't like dancing so they VERRY seldom danced The first time he & I went dancing was the first he had danced in over 15 years.

the step daughter is probably reacting to YOUR entitlement in her family's home...

always remember each and every person is different, there is NO TIMELINE on how long or short of a time period someone can feel grief, hurt even happiness on something taken place in their life...DON'T EXPECT HER TO 'GET OVER IT' BECAUSE YOU HANDLED THINGS THE WAY YOU DID...let her have her own feelings and her own way of dealing with her losses....she isn't you.

It is irresponsible to expect someone to handle themselves in a certain way, well because 'well I got through it, get over it and get on attitude'...this is purely selfish. don't expect her to be like YOUR CHILDREN...but truthfully the problem isn't your step daughter....

I would suggest you seek a professionals assistance in YOU learning how to deal with your anger from the choices you have made...
Reply With Quote
Reply

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Forum Jump


All times are GMT -7. The time now is 12:35 PM.


Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.7.3
Copyright ©2000 - 2018, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.
Copyright 2007, The BlueSparks Network