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  #21  
Old September 5th, 2008, 08:33 AM
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Re: Does your SO make you the bad guy?

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Originally Posted by snafu View Post
I'm throwing in the towel - He's going to get what he wants - seperate families. I'm tired of everything has to be his way.

Get this I'm the bad guy because his DD doesn't alway dress appropraitely for church & doesn't always follow the school dress code - amoung other things (he doesn't enforce rules at home equally & if I point it out &/or remind his DD to follow the rules - he quits enforceing the rules with my DS - and he's blind to it).

Why am I the bad guy? - because my DS has just questioned things for the first time. I talked calmly & rationally with my DS about it (I didn't hold it in & blow up -yea!). I told him that I needed him to step up & enforce the rules or we'll be having real problems with my DS not following rules because DH's DD doesn't have to. I told him I'm not going to pound my head into the wall anymore - he needs to enforce rules with HIS daughter - not me - she's a teen & I'm not her mother. (her deceased mother's family & her dad have taught her that she doesn't have to listen to me & she's a teen on top of it)

He defends her....even though he agrees with me
He holds you accountable for her not dressing right for church instead of holding her accountable or he doesn't want you to say anything about weather she follows guidelines or not? Does he want you to not say anything about it when he isn't enforcing/she is breaking rules but thinks it falls to you to 'fix' magically without ruffling feathers?

So sorry, snafu.
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  #22  
Old September 5th, 2008, 10:54 AM
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Re: Does your SO make you the bad guy?

The impression I get is that I'm a) not to say anything about it & b) not to try to "fix" it either and c) I'm not responsible for it


Get this - he said he didn't say anything because he didn't want to embarass her - because a friend of hers had spent the night & was going to church with us (snafu bangs head into wall). This WAS NOT the first time she'd worn short shorts to church - nor was it the first time DH & I had talked about it - he always makes excuses - even though he says he agrees - I told him I WAS EMBARASSSED - when a lady at church told DSD that her shorts were too short, told me, then told DH that his DD was going to get cold (he said he'd let his DD wear his jacket if she got too cold)

I've decided that IF she wears things that are inappropriate I'll go to church seperately & sit away from them - If someone asks why I'll tell them the truth. Also, if DS asks me about the "rules" I'll tell him the truth too.
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  #23  
Old September 5th, 2008, 11:09 AM
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Re: Does your SO make you the bad guy?

Oh snafu, I'm so sorry. Your DSD sounds like a handful and she wouldn't be that way if her dad enforced the rules. He's not doing her any favours, you and I know that, and probably he does too but just can't do it.

I agree about your DS getting conflicting messages and this works in a non step family as well by the way. My middle sister was pretty brutal as a teenager and my parents just couldn't handle her and she managed to get away with alot (dressing inappropriately etc). My younger eyes were watching intentlly and when they turned their rule enforcing attitude towards me I resisted HARD. This double standard that your DH has towards your DS and DSD is wrong on so many levels.

I wish you continued tolerance snafu, your patience is phenomenal.
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  #24  
Old September 5th, 2008, 12:28 PM
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Re: Does your SO make you the bad guy?

Snafu, I just got this crazy idea out of the blue. Ignore if it is completely ridiculous. (If nothing else, it may entertain you at least.)

I've read somewhere that in difficult marital situations it helps sometimes to do something completely unexpected of you. The example that was given there was about a wife who did all the housework for years, served her husband and son hand and foot and they took it for granted. Although she did not like the situation and discussed it with them many times, nothing changed. One day she made a decision, came home and announced that she feels that the way she looks is not appropriate for her as a wife and mother of such successful and noble men. She feels she embarrasses them and so she needs to take immediate action. Therefore, she made appointments for hairdressing, manicure, massage, several times a week, joined the sport club, hired individual trainer, bought some new clothes and ordered more etc. Their dinner for today and tomorrow is in the fridge and after that they are on their own. And she kept her word. She went on all those appointments, lost weight, got a new hairstyle, became an elegant woman. And her DH and DS, after initial choke started doing housework. They only asked each other:
- Do you know where mom is?
- I think today she is in the sportclub.
The marriage started working.

I am not sure how real this example is, but there is something in it that I find attractive. In your case (I am hiding under the table just in case ), how about if you, once in a while, embarrass THEM (DH and DSD)? What would happen if YOU came to church once in ultrashort dress? (already covered my head with a pillow), or, not so dramatic, if you left for your own business leaving the mess for them to clear behind?
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  #25  
Old September 5th, 2008, 01:33 PM
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Re: Does your SO make you the bad guy?

April - DH likes me in short dresses/ skirts

I think I will ignore the trash/food she leaves on her desk in her room - evil thought -take pictures & up them up around school - if we get bugs then DH will have to deal with it (while DS & I do stay in a hotel)

If she dresses inapproprately - I could wear something "fun" & visit DH at work- & get the students talking


Don't get me wrong - DH has his good points - but when it comes to his DD - I'm left out in the cold & screwed over.

I've booked a trip to Disney for me and DS -. We're going in Oct. (DH knows)

DH told his DD she'd get a trip to Hawaii for her 16th B-day (without asking me) & we're supposed to make this a family trip. Then, when we talked about it I'd wanted to go Disney while my DS is still young enough to belive in magic (this is something I've wanted to do even BEFORE I met DH) . DH wants Hawaii first & Disney 2 years after that. NOPE- to any of my input - can you picture an 18-19 yr old girl at Disney with a 12-13 yr old boy & parents

I've told him he and his DD can go to Hawaii without me - I honestly thing they'd enjoy it more - if we all went together, they'd make me misserable.

And to think - all I ever wanted for my DSD was to be a positive role model & be someone she could talk to

I HAVE A HUGE DH PROBLEM - 'cause, by his actions, he doesn't want me to have anything to do with his DD - unless its to play "happy families"
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  #26  
Old September 5th, 2008, 02:13 PM
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Re: Does your SO make you the bad guy?

(((snafu)))
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  #27  
Old December 10th, 2008, 08:49 AM
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Re: Does your SO make you the bad guy?

(I really need a bang head smilie )

DH (in a poor, pitiful me voice) told me that all he wants for Xmas is for me & his DD to have a realtionship (argh!!!!!!!!!!!)

Get this - he's undermined me continually - in reguards to building a family relationship- during the course of our marriage.

He whined that he does stuff with my DS why don't I do stuff with his DD? (Wiskey, Tango, Foxtrot!) So who's fault is it (in his opinion) that his DD & I don't have a relationship - mine of course.

I let him have it - the last time I went to the councilor she told me that I should be doing a lot of things - they were ALL things I'd tried when we first got married & D(dumbass) H and his deceased wife's parents (aka the Pseudo ILs) shot down & totally ignored. I told him that it was due to his behavior & the Pseudo ILs behavior that his DD & I don't have a realtionship & I've given up.
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  #28  
Old December 11th, 2008, 01:59 PM
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Re: Does your SO make you the bad guy?

Have the Pseudo ILs been held at bay at least?
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  #29  
Old December 11th, 2008, 08:46 PM
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Re: Does your SO make you the bad guy?

Yep, they are semi -cut off

I realize now that we will never have the realtionship I'd thought/hoped we'd have. I do try to include them - DSD is their only grandchild - when we went out for my DS's b-day I made sure they were invited, & they were invited for Thanksgiving.

they made their bed & now have to lie in it - they have only themselves to blame

DH no longer tries to force them down my throat either (I'm no longer willing to play "happy families")
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  #30  
Old December 13th, 2008, 07:47 AM
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Re: Does your SO make you the bad guy?

Snafu - is there any way to get them into counseling?
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