Go Back   Friends and Family Forum > The Friend Forum > Boyfriends & Girlfriends

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #1  
Old December 31st, 2012, 10:19 AM
chellek14's Avatar
chellek14 chellek14 is offline
Junior Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 39
chellek14 is on a distinguished road
Unhappy Frustrated

I'm really frustrated...sexually, and with myself. I'm 20 years old, turning 21 this coming year, and I have never had sex. Lots of people tell me that they're proud of me for waiting so long and wanting to wait 'til marriage, 'cause it's not easy to do and they respect that about me. My boyfriend has told me many times that he likes my innocence, that he respects me for that.

The problem is, I have needs...desires...urges...wants. The last person I dated...the jerk I've written about before who left me for some whore...that's the main reason he left me, 'cause I was too prudish for him. It turned him into this angry, abusive person. He was constantly pressuring me to sleep with him, and when I would say no, he'd just get angry with me and make me feel like some prude that he hates and has no respect for. I couldn't be alone with him for more than 5 minutes without practically getting mauled. He was constantly trying to makeout with me and trying to either get on top of me or pull me on top of him. He touched me...down there, without my permission. Made me show him my body while he was on top of me, even though I said no. I hated it. He just wouldn't leave me alone physically.

Now whenever my boyfriend tries to makeout with me, I freeze and freak out. It's not that I don't want him...I do. I love him and I am attracted to him sexually, but I just freak out when it starts to feel like something might happen between us physically. And I hate that! I know that's partly 'cause of my ex and how he used to treat me...but I also just feel like such a prude. I wish I more ok with stuff like that, but I'm just not and I hate myself for that! I'd hate to get dumped over that again.

I know guys have needs...but I'm just not ready to fulfill them, for either him or myself. But it makes me feel empty, like my life is missing something...something that's supposed to be amazing...I hate this. I just feel stuck. I'm sick of not having that intimacy, not knowing what sex is like, not fulfilling those desires for both of us, and still being a virgin...but I'm also not ready to change that...I'm just stuck and I hate it. I've been doing the "solo act" (if you know what I mean) for like a decade now, but it's not enough anymore.

Should I talk to him about this? He doesn't know what my ex did to me...or what I'm dealing with...but I'm afraid to talk about it...to anyone.
Reply With Quote
  #2  
Old December 31st, 2012, 10:55 AM
longhairedgnome's Avatar
longhairedgnome longhairedgnome is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 149
longhairedgnome will become famous soon enough
Re: Frustrated

If you're not ready, you're not ready. No means no and anyone who truly cares for you is going to respect that. If the current bf doesn't know what you went through with the ex, maybe you should try to talk to him about how you feel and why. It's not an easy thing to do, I know. My bf is all about talking things out something that's difficult for me to do with him, but it can help. Being open with him about where you're at might help you work out your own feelings. And still being a virgin at your age is not a horrible thing. Believe that you are worth waiting for.
Reply With Quote
  #3  
Old December 31st, 2012, 11:15 AM
KayKay's Avatar
KayKay KayKay is offline
Moderator
 
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Texas
Posts: 16,136
KayKay has a reputation beyond reputeKayKay has a reputation beyond reputeKayKay has a reputation beyond reputeKayKay has a reputation beyond reputeKayKay has a reputation beyond repute
Re: Frustrated

chellek, you not only need to talk to your current boyfriend, you need to talk to a counselor. You were in an abusive relationship and you need help recovering from that.

I think you really need to listen to your feelings that are telling you that you aren't ready. It'd be far worse to have sex for the first time knowing that you aren't ready than it is to remain a virgin until you are.

You aren't ready because even though your boyfriend sounds like a great guy, you aren't in love with him yet. You aren't ready to be 100% intimate with him - to give yourself completely to him. Somewhere in the back of your mind you don't think this guy is "the one" and you think the relationship will eventually end. You might be right, you might be wrong. Either way, you shouldn't have sex just out of fear that the guy will dump you if you don't. EVER.

Don't sell yourself short. Longhairedgnome is right... you are worth the wait.

I'm going to be very careful not to bring religion into this, but there is a speaker who speaks to teens about chastity who recently came to my kids' school. The speaker is a religious guy, so I'm not going to name him. The thing that I heard him say that really amazed me was that one girl he knew of decided that she wanted to wait. Every time she was tempted, she sat down and wrote a love letter to her future husband, telling him the struggles but that she was saving herself for him. She gave the love letters to her husband on their wedding night. There was actually more to the story, but I really LOVED the fact that the girl had a coping mechanism.
__________________
Expecto Patronum!
Reply With Quote
  #4  
Old December 31st, 2012, 11:49 AM
snafu's Avatar
snafu snafu is offline
future crazy cat lady
 
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: Mid-west
Posts: 9,792
snafu has a reputation beyond reputesnafu has a reputation beyond reputesnafu has a reputation beyond reputesnafu has a reputation beyond repute
Re: Frustrated

I don't have anthing to add except I agree with Kaykay & LHGnome
__________________
once burned, twice shy

He who ignores history is condemed to repeat it!
(it also means you weren't smart enough to learn from your mistakes )
Reply With Quote
  #5  
Old December 31st, 2012, 01:41 PM
chellek14's Avatar
chellek14 chellek14 is offline
Junior Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 39
chellek14 is on a distinguished road
Re: Frustrated

Quote:
Originally Posted by KayKay View Post
chellek, you not only need to talk to your current boyfriend, you need to talk to a counselor. You were in an abusive relationship and you need help recovering from that.

I think you really need to listen to your feelings that are telling you that you aren't ready. It'd be far worse to have sex for the first time knowing that you aren't ready than it is to remain a virgin until you are.

You aren't ready because even though your boyfriend sounds like a great guy, you aren't in love with him yet. You aren't ready to be 100% intimate with him - to give yourself completely to him. Somewhere in the back of your mind you don't think this guy is "the one" and you think the relationship will eventually end. You might be right, you might be wrong. Either way, you shouldn't have sex just out of fear that the guy will dump you if you don't. EVER.

Don't sell yourself short. Longhairedgnome is right... you are worth the wait.

I'm going to be very careful not to bring religion into this, but there is a speaker who speaks to teens about chastity who recently came to my kids' school. The speaker is a religious guy, so I'm not going to name him. The thing that I heard him say that really amazed me was that one girl he knew of decided that she wanted to wait. Every time she was tempted, she sat down and wrote a love letter to her future husband, telling him the struggles but that she was saving herself for him. She gave the love letters to her husband on their wedding night. There was actually more to the story, but I really LOVED the fact that the girl had a coping mechanism.

Yeah I realized last night that I need to talk to a counselor...I can talk to one for free at my campus but it's at least an hour away...idk I'll figure it out.

Also, I do love him...I am in love with him, and I do want him to have my body. But I don't think that just because you're in love with someone, that you should be ready to take that step...I think it's loving them that makes it easier to wait, at least for me, 'cause I'd rather wait 'til I'm married (even though my body is saying otherwise at this point). To me, it'd be the ultimate way of showing him I love him...waiting 'til our wedding night. I would love to marry him someday and be his wife. I just don't believe that not being ready means I'm not in love with him...
Reply With Quote
  #6  
Old December 31st, 2012, 01:45 PM
KayKay's Avatar
KayKay KayKay is offline
Moderator
 
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Texas
Posts: 16,136
KayKay has a reputation beyond reputeKayKay has a reputation beyond reputeKayKay has a reputation beyond reputeKayKay has a reputation beyond reputeKayKay has a reputation beyond repute
Re: Frustrated

Okay, that's fair enough. You've thought it through and have a good head on your shoulders.
__________________
Expecto Patronum!
Reply With Quote
  #7  
Old December 31st, 2012, 02:08 PM
LucyVanPelt's Avatar
LucyVanPelt LucyVanPelt is offline
Moderator
 
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 9,420
LucyVanPelt has a reputation beyond reputeLucyVanPelt has a reputation beyond reputeLucyVanPelt has a reputation beyond reputeLucyVanPelt has a reputation beyond reputeLucyVanPelt has a reputation beyond reputeLucyVanPelt has a reputation beyond repute
Re: Frustrated

Quote:
Originally Posted by chellek14 View Post
Yeah I realized last night that I need to talk to a counselor...I can talk to one for free at my campus but it's at least an hour away...idk I'll figure it out.

Also, I do love him...I am in love with him, and I do want him to have my body. But I don't think that just because you're in love with someone, that you should be ready to take that step...I think it's loving them that makes it easier to wait, at least for me, 'cause I'd rather wait 'til I'm married (even though my body is saying otherwise at this point). To me, it'd be the ultimate way of showing him I love him...waiting 'til our wedding night. I would love to marry him someday and be his wife. I just don't believe that not being ready means I'm not in love with him...
Well said and very mature! And your boyfriend sounds like he's respects you for this.

I have a friend who called her panic an "alarm" for when things got too hot. She had previous boyfriends call her a prude. Others told her she wasn't normal and would never have a good sex life. She has been happily married to the same man for 20 years and they have 3 children. They waited until their wedding night. I don't know about their sex life because thats between them but they sure look happy and in love.
Reply With Quote
  #8  
Old January 2nd, 2013, 05:14 AM
Knot2loud's Avatar
Knot2loud Knot2loud is offline
is never to loud.
 
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: USA
Posts: 2,987
Knot2loud has a reputation beyond reputeKnot2loud has a reputation beyond reputeKnot2loud has a reputation beyond reputeKnot2loud has a reputation beyond reputeKnot2loud has a reputation beyond reputeKnot2loud has a reputation beyond repute
Re: Frustrated

Any woman who holds herself true until marriage is a woman to be honored. Any man who does not respect a woman for this is man without regard.

Stick to your belief - you are a woman to be honored.
Reply With Quote
  #9  
Old February 27th, 2013, 09:33 AM
DadofFour DadofFour is offline
Junior Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2013
Posts: 28
DadofFour is on a distinguished road
Re: Frustrated

Quote:
Originally Posted by chellek14 View Post
I'm really frustrated...sexually, and with myself. I'm 20 years old, turning 21 this coming year, and I have never had sex. Lots of people tell me that they're proud of me for waiting so long and wanting to wait 'til marriage, 'cause it's not easy to do and they respect that about me. My boyfriend has told me many times that he likes my innocence, that he respects me for that.

The problem is, I have needs...desires...urges...wants. The last person I dated...the jerk I've written about before who left me for some whore...that's the main reason he left me, 'cause I was too prudish for him. It turned him into this angry, abusive person. He was constantly pressuring me to sleep with him, and when I would say no, he'd just get angry with me and make me feel like some prude that he hates and has no respect for. I couldn't be alone with him for more than 5 minutes without practically getting mauled. He was constantly trying to makeout with me and trying to either get on top of me or pull me on top of him. He touched me...down there, without my permission. Made me show him my body while he was on top of me, even though I said no. I hated it. He just wouldn't leave me alone physically.

Now whenever my boyfriend tries to makeout with me, I freeze and freak out. It's not that I don't want him...I do. I love him and I am attracted to him sexually, but I just freak out when it starts to feel like something might happen between us physically. And I hate that! I know that's partly 'cause of my ex and how he used to treat me...but I also just feel like such a prude. I wish I more ok with stuff like that, but I'm just not and I hate myself for that! I'd hate to get dumped over that again.

I know guys have needs...but I'm just not ready to fulfill them, for either him or myself. But it makes me feel empty, like my life is missing something...something that's supposed to be amazing...I hate this. I just feel stuck. I'm sick of not having that intimacy, not knowing what sex is like, not fulfilling those desires for both of us, and still being a virgin...but I'm also not ready to change that...I'm just stuck and I hate it. I've been doing the "solo act" (if you know what I mean) for like a decade now, but it's not enough anymore.

Should I talk to him about this? He doesn't know what my ex did to me...or what I'm dealing with...but I'm afraid to talk about it...to anyone.
I think all of the above is fine and natural. You are strong/smart IMO.

I think you should def tell your current boyfriend about your past relationship and how it effects your current. If he loves you he will understand and wait.

May I ask how long you two have been together?

I have to give you a LOT of credit to be able to think with your brain and not your body. Most people don't have such quality/skill.

PS. Do you do any consulting? I have a teenage daughter.....
Reply With Quote
Reply

Tags
abuse, frustration, intimacy, relationships, sex

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Forum Jump


All times are GMT -7. The time now is 03:34 AM.


Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.7.3
Copyright ©2000 - 2018, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.
Copyright 2007, The BlueSparks Network