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Old August 29th, 2013, 06:08 AM
joshjulius joshjulius is offline
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Exclamation My parents really love money. Please advise and help me!

I know my current situation is complicated but do read it carefully, I really need help.

So I'm the second child in the family and I have an older sister and a younger brother. My sister is having college at Seattle and I'm about to leave for my university in 18 month's time at New Zealand. (Yes, this is the current situation and I'm from a developing country).

My parents own a small business that have been bringing us food and water on the dining table and is currently making quite a good amount of money (5 digits per month in US Dollars). They own 100% of this business.

The problem is that I think they love money so much that they do not love their child more than their money. I feel like I want to get away from this family as soon as I have a job (I want to be a pilot and it's easy to become one here in my country with decent salary). My sister is at the USA so we also don't talk really much and my brother is probably the closest family member to me. Being the closest, we sometimes (I can say all the time) do not talk to each other and we normally only chat with our own friends in our smartphones. Oh, I talk most to my friends and I look forward to coming to school just to meet my friends.

My parents, of course, still care for us (like any other average parents who gives their child good education, looks after us when we are sick and all those AVERAGE actions parents normally do to their child).

So what I think and feel of what is my parent's mindset is that 90% of their income must be used to expand the company further to get more money. My other friends have drivers but we don't have one just for the sake of 'saving' money, so I need to carpool with my friends if we are going out to a far place and this is embarrassing as I did this often. (I will carpool a friend this Saturday again for a dinner at Downtown). This is one example of how my parents try to use as little money as possible.

Secondly, I love flying, and my parents want me to have their business when I'm old, I just don't like business, it's not my passion. All of my friends are going abroad to different universities worldwide because there are no good university here in my country. As for me, I'm going to NZ for my aviation studies. All of my friends told me that the university I'm going is easy to be accepted and I agreed with them as the requirements for aviation is not as difficult as mechanical/chemical engineering. Most of my friends are going to take masters, I am just going until Bachelors. This is because my parents said that to become a pilot, a degree is enough (but I know they want to "SAVE MONEY" as taking masters means another 2 years of funding my studies) and at first, they want to put me in a local flying school which is WAY cheaper. I quickly said no as the standards of the flying license here is very low and training is not good. My parents said that if I fail to graduate my degree, I should just continue their business, how DISCOURAGING this is! Even my FRIENDS told me that I will complete this degree easily.

Look, my dad has a $10000 rolex watch (which I think the watch is very ugly) and is still this stingy to their own children. I cried once in a car arguing with my dad about money and I was already a 15 year old grown up! (I'm a male furthermore). On another occasion, my sandals were unusable anymore and I have to get a new one. For many months (I was able to get them to buy me sandals after we went through many discounted stores), I have to share a pair of sandals with my brother. If we want to go outside for a swim or a little meal, my brother and I have to race to the garage first to the shoe rack to get the sandals first (pathetic!). The other one must wear a shoe (which is unnecessary if we want to go swim/go to a nearby supermarket to buy stuff). Mom, dad, all I want is a pair of SANDALS! AND I DO NOT WANT IT, I NEED IT!

Last example, if we go out for a family dinner, my brother and I have to share drinks, 50 cent priced drinks! Things are not that expensive in our country, and my parents won't buy their own kids a 50 cent priced beverage. Sometimes, we don't even order drinks, just food on our table.

I must admit that I am a fortunate kid. But I do not know why my parents want to save their money like crazy (maybe I know, to expand the company bigger and bigger until they are rich like Bill Gates, very ABSURD!)

My friends buy their parents cakes and presents during their birthday/mother's day/father's day/christmas but I don't. That's because I already KNOW that they won't value the gifts (which is a sign of our love) more than the money spent in buying the gifts. I see my friends uploading pictures to facebook of them celebrating their parent's birthday and looking very happy and loving. I want my family to be that kind of family.

I want to say to my parents that I will pay back the money they have spent on growing me up, I'm sure they will like that idea but the norm is, obviously, for parents not to receive any money I want to give them.

In conclusion, I just want to leave this family in the future and pay whatever amount of money my parents have used on me and not to bother them anymore. Let them live their own life through their business and me living my own life as a pilot (my dream job and passion, image how happy my life would be). In one sense, our small business made our lives good physically (like having more clothes than hangers, more food than the fridge can store, a roof on our heads) but in another sense, our business destroyed my family. My parents' love for money made the family bond weaker and weaker. I told them it's not about the money but they won't listen, it's about love and happiness.

I am in desperate need of advice and help.
Thank you very much.

Warm regards,
Josh
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Old August 29th, 2013, 06:30 AM
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LucyVanPelt LucyVanPelt is offline
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Re: My parents really love money. Please advise and help me!

Hi, Josh, first let me apologize for accidentally banning you. The Admin will fix that shortly.

I don't know how to talk to you about your problems with your parents. You say that your parents love money more than their children and you don't want it to be that way:
Quote:
I told them it's not about the money but they won't listen, it's about love and happiness.
Then you complain that your parents won't spend the money on you. It seems to me that you think "love and happiness" is spending money.

Your parents show you much love in other ways, like working hard to put food on the table, to send you to school, and to leave you a thriving business that can support you when you are a man even if you dream of becoming a pilot.

Your parents cannot prove their love for you by spending their money the way you want them to. Sorry.
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Old August 29th, 2013, 07:47 AM
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KayKay KayKay is offline
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Re: My parents really love money. Please advise and help me!

Would your parents hire you to work in their business? I wonder if they want you to learn to earn your own money.

What were their lives like in childhood? My dad was what we call here a "Depression baby" - he was a young boy during the Great Depression in the United States. It gave him a very different sense of economics than generations after him.

I think it's important to realize that just because a lot of money is coming in doesn't mean that there is a lot of money to spend freely. The business does need reinvestment, and your sister's education is probably costing them a lot. By the time business and education expenses are paid, there might not be a lot of money left to spend.

Your parents are providing you with an education and trying to build a business to support you when you are older. That makes me think that they love you a lot.
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Old August 29th, 2013, 08:24 PM
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Re: My parents really love money. Please advise and help me!

Hi joshjulius, i'm from nz, and study for foreign students here is not cheap. As an international student a Bachelor of Aviation would cost you a total of NZ$207690.00 (for the three years, not each year) for the 2014 intake. Fees are likely to go up across all degrees at all Universities here for 2014, so that is a lean estimate.

Convert this to your dollar, and see how much it is compared to an average salary. (It is about 4 times the NZ average salary before tax).

I think your parents are right to be cautious if this is what they are prepared to financially support you to do.

Last edited by Mrs X; August 29th, 2013 at 11:11 PM.
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Old August 31st, 2013, 03:33 PM
tina981 tina981 is offline
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Re: My parents really love money. Please advise and help me!

Quote:
Originally Posted by joshjulius View Post
I know my current situation is complicated but do read it carefully, I really need help.

So I'm the second child in the family and I have an older sister and a younger brother. My sister is having college at Seattle and I'm about to leave for my university in 18 month's time at New Zealand. (Yes, this is the current situation and I'm from a developing country).

My parents own a small business that have been bringing us food and water on the dining table and is currently making quite a good amount of money (5 digits per month in US Dollars). They own 100% of this business.

The problem is that I think they love money so much that they do not love their child more than their money. I feel like I want to get away from this family as soon as I have a job (I want to be a pilot and it's easy to become one here in my country with decent salary). My sister is at the USA so we also don't talk really much and my brother is probably the closest family member to me. Being the closest, we sometimes (I can say all the time) do not talk to each other and we normally only chat with our own friends in our smartphones. Oh, I talk most to my friends and I look forward to coming to school just to meet my friends.

My parents, of course, still care for us (like any other average parents who gives their child good education, looks after us when we are sick and all those AVERAGE actions parents normally do to their child).

So what I think and feel of what is my parent's mindset is that 90% of their income must be used to expand the company further to get more money. My other friends have drivers but we don't have one just for the sake of 'saving' money, so I need to carpool with my friends if we are going out to a far place and this is embarrassing as I did this often. (I will carpool a friend this Saturday again for a dinner at Downtown). This is one example of how my parents try to use as little money as possible.

Secondly, I love flying, and my parents want me to have their business when I'm old, I just don't like business, it's not my passion. All of my friends are going abroad to different universities worldwide because there are no good university here in my country. As for me, I'm going to NZ for my aviation studies. All of my friends told me that the university I'm going is easy to be accepted and I agreed with them as the requirements for aviation is not as difficult as mechanical/chemical engineering. Most of my friends are going to take masters, I am just going until Bachelors. This is because my parents said that to become a pilot, a degree is enough (but I know they want to "SAVE MONEY" as taking masters means another 2 years of funding my studies) and at first, they want to put me in a local flying school which is WAY cheaper. I quickly said no as the standards of the flying license here is very low and training is not good. My parents said that if I fail to graduate my degree, I should just continue their business, how DISCOURAGING this is! Even my FRIENDS told me that I will complete this degree easily.

Look, my dad has a $10000 rolex watch (which I think the watch is very ugly) and is still this stingy to their own children. I cried once in a car arguing with my dad about money and I was already a 15 year old grown up! (I'm a male furthermore). On another occasion, my sandals were unusable anymore and I have to get a new one. For many months (I was able to get them to buy me sandals after we went through many discounted stores), I have to share a pair of sandals with my brother. If we want to go outside for a swim or a little meal, my brother and I have to race to the garage first to the shoe rack to get the sandals first (pathetic!). The other one must wear a shoe (which is unnecessary if we want to go swim/go to a nearby supermarket to buy stuff). Mom, dad, all I want is a pair of SANDALS! AND I DO NOT WANT IT, I NEED IT!

Last example, if we go out for a family dinner, my brother and I have to share drinks, 50 cent priced drinks! Things are not that expensive in our country, and my parents won't buy their own kids a 50 cent priced beverage. Sometimes, we don't even order drinks, just food on our table.

I must admit that I am a fortunate kid. But I do not know why my parents want to save their money like crazy (maybe I know, to expand the company bigger and bigger until they are rich like Bill Gates, very ABSURD!)

My friends buy their parents cakes and presents during their birthday/mother's day/father's day/christmas but I don't. That's because I already KNOW that they won't value the gifts (which is a sign of our love) more than the money spent in buying the gifts. I see my friends uploading pictures to facebook of them celebrating their parent's birthday and looking very happy and loving. I want my family to be that kind of family.

I want to say to my parents that I will pay back the money they have spent on growing me up, I'm sure they will like that idea but the norm is, obviously, for parents not to receive any money I want to give them.

In conclusion, I just want to leave this family in the future and pay whatever amount of money my parents have used on me and not to bother them anymore. Let them live their own life through their business and me living my own life as a pilot (my dream job and passion, image how happy my life would be). In one sense, our small business made our lives good physically (like having more clothes than hangers, more food than the fridge can store, a roof on our heads) but in another sense, our business destroyed my family. My parents' love for money made the family bond weaker and weaker. I told them it's not about the money but they won't listen, it's about love and happiness.

I am in desperate need of advice and help.
Thank you very much.

Warm regards,
Josh

Hi Josh, I totally understand where you are coming from because our family friend (my parents' friend's) had a similar situation. In this case however, the mom used to complaint that the dad did NOT do any spending at all.
Their dad took a bus (vs cab) to take their kid for a kidney transplant after a long battle of cancer just so as not to spend on the cab.

Must say that he did spend on kid's education and on food but nothing else. He berated them when they (the mom, and the kids) used to take a cab or used to not gift them with any apparel or shoes or any other stuff whatsoever.

All I know is till this date, NONE of the kids are attached to the dad as much as to their mom as she used to be much better when it came to these things.

I must also add that both the parents are actually very very nice people by heart and were reputed to be among the best people in the community and I agree with the same as well.
This shows that while some parents might be very money minded, they do this because that is just their nature and that has nothing to do with their love for kids meaning they might very well love their kids.
I KNOW it sucks but there is not much choice you have. Just get educated, pursue your dreams once you get to that level - till then there is not much to do.
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