Go Back   Friends and Family Forum > The Family Forum > Step-families

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #1  
Old December 31st, 2015, 07:36 PM
JaydeeTas JaydeeTas is offline
Junior Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2015
Posts: 21
JaydeeTas is on a distinguished road
Unhappy I need another opinion

Hi all,

Thank you for taking the time to read.
I have been with my partner for a little over 3 years. we both have 2 boys each the exact age 16.

I have my 16 yr old 24/7. He has his son every weekend.

At the beginning of our relationship we both agreed to keep out families separate while we went through the courting stage.

3 months into it, I introduced my son. They got on like a house on fire. My children are very easy going and adaptable. They will go out without me even.

My partner however, kept his son away. This meant from Friday night to Sunday or Monday, I wouldn't see or hear from my partner. I found this very difficult as I love being with my partner and weekends are a time for leisure.

This became a constant argument for us and as a way of making things easier I moved next door to my partner.

After 3 years my partner is still not ready to live together, even though my partner stays with me 5-6 nights a week.

I see my partner on the weekends now (usually Saturday night as long as his son is out with friends) which is better, however, that barrier still exists.

Friday nights are the no go nights. He needs to spend time with his children alone..

*** Let me be clear, it's NOT the fact that he wants time alone with his son.I am ok with this. It's the "us and them" mindset that my partner has.

Even after his son goes to bed, he will not allow me next door to sleep in the same bed. we sleep in our own units.

He asked me to marry him on Christmas Eve, I said yes. I thought there was a sign he wanted to move forward. It wasn't. It still does not change the fact that he wants to keep me away from his children.

You might hear a bit of resentment from my words and I will be honest you're right. After 3 years and living next door to each other for 1.5 of those years, not rocking the boat and going along with what he wanted, you would think that we could at least attempt to being a family, even just for 1 night a week.

Right now we are on holidays and his son has come to his place so he has gone home to cook him lunch. Am I really asking too much for all of us to have lunch together?

Hi ex partner has a new partner, it is not like his son doesn't know who I am, we have crossed paths a number of times and he has always been pleasant towards me.

Am I being selfish? At times I feel like I am, but, then again, I am not asking him to not see his son, or to not see him alone. I just want to be a complete family... He believes that once his son has his license and car we will move forward. Could be 6 months, could be a year.

He is great to me. There is no reason to break up. I just want us to be in the one home and enjoying each others company, children included. I don't need to be everywhere he and his children are.

Talking to him only makes him feel pressured and he runs. How can I control this anxiety I feel. I just want to change myself and how I deal with this.
Reply With Quote
  #2  
Old December 31st, 2015, 08:22 PM
KayKay's Avatar
KayKay KayKay is offline
Moderator
 
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Texas
Posts: 16,259
KayKay has a reputation beyond reputeKayKay has a reputation beyond reputeKayKay has a reputation beyond reputeKayKay has a reputation beyond reputeKayKay has a reputation beyond repute
Re: I need another opinion

You say you each have two boys - are the 16yo's the older ones? (Sorry - I'm confused about the number of boys involved here).

I just don't see how you can become a complete family when his son gets his license and a car. I'm not sure I follow his logic. Is there some reason he doesn't want his son to get to know you? Is there something in his divorce decree which is punitive if he gets involved with another woman? Has he ever given you a good reason "why?"

The thing I worry about is what happens when you get married. Will you be included in "family" things (birthdays, graduations, weddings, baptisms)? I feel that the shock of his dad suddenly marrying a woman that the son hasn't had a chance to get to know would be more worrisome.
__________________
Expecto Patronum!
Reply With Quote
  #3  
Old December 31st, 2015, 11:58 PM
JaydeeTas JaydeeTas is offline
Junior Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2015
Posts: 21
JaydeeTas is on a distinguished road
Re: I need another opinion

Hi KayKay,

Sorry to confuse you. We have 2 boys each (4 in total) the eldest ones being 21 and the youngest ones being 16.

He's never given me a reason. All I get is "Blended families don't work. What's in it for my son.... nothing."

He's so worried that his son won't get his own space. A bedroom is not enough, he needs a designated area (like a rumpus) to himself. So, I don't follow his logic either.

His ex wife had a lot of influence over him when we first met, he may be dominate with me, but, he is easily manipulated by her and his son. Not so much by the ex now but, it is nothing to drop everything and just go on a phone call from his son.

Maybe he feels he needs to be a father first? Or he feels guilty if he leaves, but, that is the irony of this situation. I don't want to leave his son out of it. I want his son to be in there as well.

Right now I can bet you that his son will be in his bedroom and my partner is out in the lounge room watching tv or reading his book... Perhaps it's n excuse to get away from me? I don't know. I just feel rejected and not good enough..
Reply With Quote
  #4  
Old January 1st, 2016, 12:05 AM
KayKay's Avatar
KayKay KayKay is offline
Moderator
 
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Texas
Posts: 16,259
KayKay has a reputation beyond reputeKayKay has a reputation beyond reputeKayKay has a reputation beyond reputeKayKay has a reputation beyond reputeKayKay has a reputation beyond repute
Re: I need another opinion



I'm sorry for that, JaydeeTas. I doubt it's intentional on his part, but you definitely have reason to feel that way.

I really don't see a way out of your situation without laying it on the line for him. Ask him specifically how things like weddings and grandchildren will be handled? What will he expect when his son comes to visit after you are married? (and when does he expect to get married - after his son turns 18 and custody arrangements terminate?)

What about the 21 year old? What kind of relationship does he have with him, and are you included in that?
__________________
Expecto Patronum!
Reply With Quote
  #5  
Old January 1st, 2016, 12:23 AM
JaydeeTas JaydeeTas is offline
Junior Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2015
Posts: 21
JaydeeTas is on a distinguished road
Re: I need another opinion

No, I don't think it is deliberate either. I think he is scared. My partner even mentioned once that he said to the boys that we were going to buy a house, apparently they weren't fussed at all. He hasn't even told his youngest that we are engaged.

I don't like ultimatums, but, I have said to him that by July this year I want to buy a home. With him or without him (really hope it is with him). A lot can happen in 6 months and I am hoping that I might find a home that meets his needs. I know though that if his son chooses not to visit, my partner will resent me. I love him to pieces 99% of the time he is perfect. He can be nasty though when he gets angry verbally not physically.

We are so happy when his son is not mentioned. I don't want it to be like that. His eldest son is the same. Never see him either.

I guess i have 2 options. 1. stick it out or 2. leave. I know that if I push the subject he will end it. He has done that before.

Maybe I should give it 6 months and see if things change. When I buy my home and he's not with me, I guess I will rethink things...

I don't know what else to do.
Reply With Quote
  #6  
Old January 1st, 2016, 12:43 AM
KayKay's Avatar
KayKay KayKay is offline
Moderator
 
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Texas
Posts: 16,259
KayKay has a reputation beyond reputeKayKay has a reputation beyond reputeKayKay has a reputation beyond reputeKayKay has a reputation beyond reputeKayKay has a reputation beyond repute
Re: I need another opinion

And I'm not sure what to suggest, JaydeeTas. He is a good man and you have a good relationship. It's just this issue.

I think you have a good handle on it, for what it's worth.

There is another poster her who hopefully post soon (no pressure, snafu! ) She has gone through heck trying to be a stepparent. I don't know what your situation will bring, but snafu was basically given NO input, NO right to parent, and NO "importance" in her family. I would really hate to see that happen to you too.
__________________
Expecto Patronum!
Reply With Quote
  #7  
Old January 1st, 2016, 08:26 AM
LucyVanPelt's Avatar
LucyVanPelt LucyVanPelt is offline
Moderator
 
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 9,582
LucyVanPelt has a reputation beyond reputeLucyVanPelt has a reputation beyond reputeLucyVanPelt has a reputation beyond reputeLucyVanPelt has a reputation beyond reputeLucyVanPelt has a reputation beyond reputeLucyVanPelt has a reputation beyond repute
Re: I need another opinion

Quote:
Originally Posted by JaydeeTas View Post
He's never given me a reason. All I get is "Blended families don't work. What's in it for my son.... nothing."
This isn't about you or his ex-wife.

This is the whole issue. It does not matter if children are young and in the home, or adults doing their own things: you will still need to learn to blend your families. Imagine Christmases with grandchildren...

And at the very core of your relationship is his belief that your relationship can never work.

I don't like ultimatums, but this belief is a deal breaker. If he will not deal with that, then there is no "happily ever after" in the future. I'm sorry. You sound like a lovely person. You deserve better.
Reply With Quote
  #8  
Old April 4th, 2016, 12:38 PM
Cremebrulee's Avatar
Cremebrulee Cremebrulee is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2007
Posts: 960
Cremebrulee has much to be proud ofCremebrulee has much to be proud ofCremebrulee has much to be proud of
Re: I need another opinion

Quote:
Originally Posted by JaydeeTas View Post
Hi all,

Thank you for taking the time to read.
I have been with my partner for a little over 3 years. we both have 2 boys each the exact age 16.

I have my 16 yr old 24/7. He has his son every weekend.

At the beginning of our relationship we both agreed to keep out families separate while we went through the courting stage.

3 months into it, I introduced my son. They got on like a house on fire. My children are very easy going and adaptable. They will go out without me even.

My partner however, kept his son away. This meant from Friday night to Sunday or Monday, I wouldn't see or hear from my partner. I found this very difficult as I love being with my partner and weekends are a time for leisure.

This became a constant argument for us and as a way of making things easier I moved next door to my partner.

After 3 years my partner is still not ready to live together, even though my partner stays with me 5-6 nights a week.

I see my partner on the weekends now (usually Saturday night as long as his son is out with friends) which is better, however, that barrier still exists.

Friday nights are the no go nights. He needs to spend time with his children alone..

*** Let me be clear, it's NOT the fact that he wants time alone with his son.I am ok with this. It's the "us and them" mindset that my partner has.

Even after his son goes to bed, he will not allow me next door to sleep in the same bed. we sleep in our own units.

He asked me to marry him on Christmas Eve, I said yes. I thought there was a sign he wanted to move forward. It wasn't. It still does not change the fact that he wants to keep me away from his children.

You might hear a bit of resentment from my words and I will be honest you're right. After 3 years and living next door to each other for 1.5 of those years, not rocking the boat and going along with what he wanted, you would think that we could at least attempt to being a family, even just for 1 night a week.

Right now we are on holidays and his son has come to his place so he has gone home to cook him lunch. Am I really asking too much for all of us to have lunch together?

Hi ex partner has a new partner, it is not like his son doesn't know who I am, we have crossed paths a number of times and he has always been pleasant towards me.

Am I being selfish? At times I feel like I am, but, then again, I am not asking him to not see his son, or to not see him alone. I just want to be a complete family... He believes that once his son has his license and car we will move forward. Could be 6 months, could be a year.

He is great to me. There is no reason to break up. I just want us to be in the one home and enjoying each others company, children included. I don't need to be everywhere he and his children are.

Talking to him only makes him feel pressured and he runs. How can I control this anxiety I feel. I just want to change myself and how I deal with this.

Personally I think HE is being selfish...this is a perfect example though, how completely different people are....
there also may be some underlying problem...I would suggest, you try and get him to go to counseling...with you, before you go any further into the relationship. You've already invested 3 years, to no avail...
This must be very frustrating....and to, perhaps he is trying to be extremely protective of this kids....doesn't want them to get hurt by a break up?
I'm just guessing but find this situation a bit much...and please believe, there is nothing your doing or feeling wrong. I just wouldn't go any further in the relationship, until you know for sure what is going on.
Reply With Quote
  #9  
Old April 7th, 2016, 05:32 AM
PeeWeeMomOf3's Avatar
PeeWeeMomOf3 PeeWeeMomOf3 is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: SouthEasternUSA
Posts: 200
PeeWeeMomOf3 will become famous soon enough
Re: I need another opinion

I also think a few sessions with a pre-marital counselor would help, because life has a way of getting complicated and stressful and you want to make sure you're both on the same page as you blend your family and move closer to marriage and getting a home together.

Glad you had that talk.
Reply With Quote
Reply

Tags
family, step children, step parent

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Forum Jump


All times are GMT -7. The time now is 11:35 PM.


Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.7.3
Copyright ©2000 - 2019, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.
Copyright 2007, The BlueSparks Network