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Old August 26th, 2012, 08:41 PM
Laine18 Laine18 is offline
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Unhappy Fil problem

My husband and I got married about two months ago. His mom is a sweet person, but is abused by my husbands father. From what I've been told, my fil was much worse when my husband is growing up. So now, my husband and his brothers tend to accept him because "that is just his way.". He hasn't worked in over 30 years. He didn't provide for his family. I really wanted to have an open mind about this man, but from the beginning I watched him abuse his wife verbally. It is really sad to watch. On our wedding day he refused to give his wife a ride (he doesn't allow her to drive) to come get her hair done with us and even threatened to put an end to the wedding that he didn't pay a dollar for all because he was in one of his moods. Most recently I was in a car accident and my husband couldn't get to me so he called his father to come. He was awful to me. He argued with me over what happened in the accident and left me in tears because I was already shaken up and upset. Then he called my husband to say that he was upset and doesn't understand why I don't accept him. I need advice. I can barely stand to give this man another chance.
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Old August 27th, 2012, 06:01 AM
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LucyVanPelt LucyVanPelt is offline
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Re: Fil problem

I'm sorry you are in this situation. This is a tough one because we aren't talking about a lously FIL, but an abusive one. He's surrounded by enablers that say "That's just his way" and MIL doesn't defend herself.

Two things immediately stick out to me:
1) You can't save MIL.
2) You married his son!

What did DH say when FIL called? Does he understand why you don't want a relationship with him? Is he willing to cut the ties?

If he's not, I'd seriously reconsider this marriage. Look at the statistics for sons of abusive fathers. Unfortunately, love does not conquer all. Just look at your MIL.
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Old August 28th, 2012, 04:44 AM
Laine18 Laine18 is offline
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Re: Fil problem

Thanks for the reply. DH told FIL that maybe he was reading into things. I've always stood my ground with FIL because he tends to be a know it all and I refuse to be pushed around if that makes sense. DH doesn't want to cut ties for two reasons. He loves his mom, and he feels his dad has come a long way. Apparently FIL had/has a lot of his issues because he was adopted and his birth parents didn't want anything to do with him. His adopted parents were great from what everyone says thought (they are both deceased and I never met them). I guess I don't understand why no one else did "save" MIL. DH's aunts and uncles, MILs friends, even FILs own kids see him for who he is and get irritated and say things but never actually to him. It's just kind of accepted. I love DH and his brothers are really good guys. I love his family - outside of FIL and the dynamic there. I had some conversations with my parents before marriage about future FIL and what I was getting into. DH is a better man than FIL ever thought of being. It's just a sad situation I feel. Thank you again for the reply.
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Old August 28th, 2012, 06:08 AM
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Re: Fil problem

I am so glad to hear your DH is not like FIL! As long as he puts you first and backs you up, I have no doubt that you can limit FIL's behavior intruding into your life.

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Quote:
I guess I don't understand why no one else did "save" MIL. DH's aunts and uncles, MILs friends, even FILs own kids see him for who he is and get irritated and say things but never actually to him. It's just kind of accepted.
They haven't saved her because it is accepted as normal and MIL is the on,y one who can save herself. This is my experience:
When I married my DH, I recognized my FIL as being an emotional abuser. He controlled everything my MIL did, SIL did, and thought he would control me. I was young and dumb and thought I could save them and defend myself. In the end, after years of defending her, she threw me under the bus. She didn't want to be saved; she the abuse was "normal" to them. The result is that we have no contact with anyone on DH's side of the family. After being away from them, he came to his own conclusion that they were not normal.

Good luck.
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Old August 28th, 2012, 07:06 PM
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Re: Fil problem

I've been thinking a lot about dysfunctional relationships and family "roles" (a la Bradshaw)

anyway people become "comfortable" in their roles - even if it makes them feel bad because change is scary
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