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  #21  
Old June 13th, 2008, 05:48 AM
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rhiakaran rhiakaran is offline
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Re: A Letter to my ILs, I really could use your opinion

Don't send the letter - even one sentence, sent to them will be thrown at you, warped, made out to make you the evil one - I have posted this before, in a different forum, but I once sent mil and evilsil a one-letter note - to please leave me alone - it was warped more than I thought ever possible.

Just cut them off - no explanations, no reasons - none you give, no matter how valid or well thought out, will even change the way they are. This is my experience talking - my painful experience - I don't want to see you hurt anymore than they already have.

((((BIG HUGS)))
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  #22  
Old June 13th, 2008, 06:37 AM
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Lonely Military Wife Lonely Military Wife is offline
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Re: A Letter to my ILs, I really could use your opinion

Creme, I thought that was a good idea as well and we tried it for awhile, where DH would go see them by himself. He'd be there for 2-3 hours. It already takes an hour just to drive down there. It wasn't enough for them, like I said in my letter, they were offended that he wouldn't spend all day there. With their holiday party, he considered stopping by, they told him not to bother, it's an all day party.

Anyway, I showed DH the letter last night. He said everything you all said, that they'd tear it apart. He said the letter was too nice for them and they didn't deserve it. He said I'm always the one trying with them and making concessions. Before FIL initiated this cut off by telling DH not to talk to him, MIL had been threatening for months, "Maybe I'd rather just never talk to you again". I think they expected DH to beg and grovel when they cut him off. When he didn't they started leaving all those ranting messages on his phone. DH said that *if* he decides to end the cut off, he's going to just write them a letter saying essentially they can either treat us with respect or stay out of our lives. I think it's harsh, and they'll probably just say I made DH write the letter, but maybe that's what needs to happen. They don't think they've done anything wrong, and as long as they think there behavior is completely acceptable, they're going to continue doing it. So, I wont be sending my letter, but it was therapeutic writing it. I'll let you all know if and when DH sends his, and maybe post a copy of it here if he lets me.
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  #23  
Old June 13th, 2008, 07:07 AM
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HisHeathenHoney HisHeathenHoney is offline
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Re: A Letter to my ILs, I really could use your opinion

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Originally Posted by Lonely Military Wife View Post
Creme, I thought that was a good idea as well and we tried it for awhile, where DH would go see them by himself. He'd be there for 2-3 hours. It already takes an hour just to drive down there. It wasn't enough for them, like I said in my letter, they were offended that he wouldn't spend all day there. With their holiday party, he considered stopping by, they told him not to bother, it's an all day party.
Yes, that's what I remembered. No spirit of compromise--if they couldn't have everything they wanted, the reacted with spite and anger and rejection. And on the holiday party--didn't DH then offer to come by a different day and they rescheduled twice but then freaked, told him not to come at all and cut YOU guys off? You didn't even start the current cutoff isn't that right? (No doubt they were expecting you to finish it by coming crawling back on their terms).

I think your DH is right. Short and sweet. Or rather, short and NOT sweet. They have behaved very badly and don't deserve explanations, and will probably take them as more negotiations, which they will try to "win."

I strongly agree with 1dil who said never send a letter if you are hoping to reconcile with these people. It will just be fuel. This is not a problem that you can talk your way out of, it's like thinking that one big long lecture will get a 4 year old to stop grabbing his brother's toys. Lectures don't work. Short, simple rules with immediate, firm consequences for misbehavior work. (If anything is going to work, that is.)

Good luck, LMW.
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  #24  
Old June 13th, 2008, 09:47 AM
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Re: A Letter to my ILs, I really could use your opinion

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Originally Posted by HisHeathenHoney View Post
I strongly agree with 1dil who said never send a letter if you are hoping to reconcile with these people. It will just be fuel. This is not a problem that you can talk your way out of, it's like thinking that one big long lecture will get a 4 year old to stop grabbing his brother's toys. Lectures don't work. Short, simple rules with immediate, firm consequences for misbehavior work. (If anything is going to work, that is.)

Good luck, LMW.
Exactly, this summarizes everything! It takes two to tango! I your ILs don't want to negotiate, compromize and hear he truth, you can't make them! Only fear can help! If they know they will be punished for mis-behaving, they'll think twice before doing or saying something ! And this is only motivation they can understand.
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  #25  
Old June 13th, 2008, 10:36 AM
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Cremebrulee Cremebrulee is offline
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Re: A Letter to my ILs, I really could use your opinion

Quote:
Originally Posted by Lonely Military Wife View Post
Creme, I thought that was a good idea as well and we tried it for awhile, where DH would go see them by himself. He'd be there for 2-3 hours. It already takes an hour just to drive down there. It wasn't enough for them, like I said in my letter, they were offended that he wouldn't spend all day there. With their holiday party, he considered stopping by, they told him not to bother, it's an all day party.

Anyway, I showed DH the letter last night. He said everything you all said, that they'd tear it apart. He said the letter was too nice for them and they didn't deserve it. He said I'm always the one trying with them and making concessions. Before FIL initiated this cut off by telling DH not to talk to him, MIL had been threatening for months, "Maybe I'd rather just never talk to you again". I think they expected DH to beg and grovel when they cut him off. When he didn't they started leaving all those ranting messages on his phone. DH said that *if* he decides to end the cut off, he's going to just write them a letter saying essentially they can either treat us with respect or stay out of our lives. I think it's harsh, and they'll probably just say I made DH write the letter, but maybe that's what needs to happen. They don't think they've done anything wrong, and as long as they think there behavior is completely acceptable, they're going to continue doing it. So, I wont be sending my letter, but it was therapeutic writing it. I'll let you all know if and when DH sends his, and maybe post a copy of it here if he lets me.

Sheeesh, you could never win with these people....I'm sorry, but they sound like very unhappy miserable people..you give em your hand, they'll take your arm....you would never be able to please them....and yes, it is therapeutic writing....LOL, just look at some of my posts....sheesh....

well, whatever you decide to do, and it does sound like you've got a very good head on your shoulders....do it together, decide then hold to it. Quit honestly, it's about you and him....and thats all ya need, right?

hugs and love to ya...and your a great wife for trying....at least you tried for DH's sake, some women can't put there own feelings aside for the sake of the other spouse spending time with their family. Good Girl...your hubby should be very pleased with you.

Hey, can I be your MIL?

Hugs
Creme
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  #26  
Old June 13th, 2008, 11:25 AM
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nonnymouse nonnymouse is offline
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Re: A Letter to my ILs, I really could use your opinion

It sounds like your DH is on top of the situation. I am glad the letter was cathartic. It was a very good letter, I must say. Stick with letting your DH lead. He has had the most experience with all of them and even if he seemed to be leaning towards reconciliation, it sounds like he knows too much niceness from you will just be abused.

Yeah! for your DH for appreciating your letter, whether he sends his own or not. Good for you both.
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