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Old February 27th, 2014, 01:06 PM
sterling7 sterling7 is offline
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Advice on how to handle in-law situation

Hi all,

I am looking for some advice. My husband and i rented a house for about 3 years, but we were tired of all our income going to rent and bills, as we want to buy our own place and start a family, so we decided to temporarily move in with his mom and step dad for a little while, and save all our money for a down payment. Neither his mom or step dad are rude to me at all, but i am starting to get really irritated living there, and it has only been a few weeks. We had been there about a week, and i started to feel bad because they did not ask for any rent/money for bills, and my husbands sister also lives there, and her kids are there 50 percent of the time too as her and her husband recently divorced. His step dad asked him one night if he would mind contributing a little money for groceries, and stated his mom works really hard everyday as she has a full time job. Now don't get me wrong, i have no problem paying towards groceries, they were nice enough to let us live there, but what i do get very irritated by, is the fact that his sister has lived there for over a year now, and does not contribute a thing. Also, i got cash out the ATM to put towards the groceries, and when i gave it to the step dad, he gave me a blank look and said what is this for, and is said groceries, and he said oh thanks i appreciate it. I was just a bit confused as to why he was acting like he had no idea why i was giving him money, because about an hour prior to that my husband had called him and notified him i was going to give him the money for the groceries because my husband has been called into work, so i have no idea why he was pretending he didn't know what the money was for. My husbands sister and the step dad do not talk, i don't really know why, but she is not a very nice person at all. She does nothing to help, and is always complaining about everything. She is very rude to their mom, and her mom does so much for her, and looks after the kids for her all the time when she decides she wants to go out with her friends. Her mom even picks the kids up from school after work, and drops them off in the morning, even though she could drop them off and pick them up, but doesn't just due to being lazy.My husband said to his mom, well does she contribute at all, and his mom said sometimes she orders pizza on a friday night, and ordered the last pizza that was ordered, which is not true, because she was not even home when it was ordered, and i was sitting there while his mom ordered it.She constantly makes excuses for her and lies for her, and i feel in a really awkward situation, because i am living there now, and they allowed us to do so, but i feel like our kind nature is being taken for granted. It is not fair to never ask his sister for any money and she has lived there a year, but ask us for money and we have only been there 2 weeks. Last night, we said we were going out to run an errand, and the step dad asked my husband if he would mind picking up bread for sandwiches, as they didn't have enough for everybody. Then 5 minutes later he told us not to worry because he called my husbands mom on the way home from work, and asked her if she would get it, but it was still the principal of the matter to me. We just gave him $40 towards groceries, and was still asking us to pick up bread. Also they are really nosey and pry all the time. If we are ever going out, they ask where and how long we are going to be, or give their opinion on our finances. I just feel like a child, and i don't know what to do. It is really getting to me, and i never wanted to move there, but there were not really any other options. My husband also travels with his job, and works nights a lot, so sometimes i am there with the family by myself, and i always just feel really awkward, but i am getting really tired of being asked for money or to pick up things, and his sister doesn't do anything. It is just not fair. Any thoughts or advice?
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Old February 27th, 2014, 01:27 PM
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LucyVanPelt LucyVanPelt is offline
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Re: Advice on how to handle in-law situation

It was a mistake to move in there. Look for a more reasonable house or rental apartment and put off house-buying a little while longer.
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Old February 27th, 2014, 01:30 PM
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Re: Advice on how to handle in-law situation

First and foremost, negotiate your own relationship with your in-laws rather than worry about what's "fair' and "not fair" concerning your husband's sister. She has different issues in her life than you do. Plus, and I know this sounds odd, but your in-laws actually think MORE HIGHLY of you (that you and your husband are capable and have your act together) that they can ask you for financial contributions or errand running. Your husband's sister doesn't sound like an adult at all; your in-laws are probably really frustrated by her but don't know what to do other than enable her.

If you are living at your in-laws, you are adding to the bills they need to pay and should be helping contribute to the household in some way. Grocery money, utilities, chores - whatever works for you. It sounds like you are fine with that. Maybe the answer is to come up with an amount you should contribute every month to the household expenses, and that way your in-laws won't feel taken advantage of and neither will you.

I understand that you don't want to have to answer to your in-laws about where you are going or what time you'll be home, but it is polite to at least let them know when you'll be coming home. Not so much asking permission, but just letting them know "If you hear someone coming in the house at 3:00am, don't call the cops. Just go back to sleep." Your finances are none of their business, but maybe they feel they have a right to stick their noses in because they are helping you so you can save up for a house? They aren't right, but that might be their mindset.

How soon until you get to move out of their house?
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Old February 27th, 2014, 01:42 PM
sterling7 sterling7 is offline
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Re: Advice on how to handle in-law situation

I am not sure really on how soon we can move, but being realistic i would say a year. My husband didn't want to move into an apartment because he thought it was just more wasted money which we would not save. I compromised because i too want our own home, but now we have actually moved in i know it was a big mistake. I am extremely independent, and like my own space. I love to cook, clean, and all that homemaker type stuff, so it is weird going from our own space to a full house. I do agree that they know his sister is a failure, even if her mom does stick up and lie for her, but it bugs me a lot because i feel my husband always gets the short straw, and to lie and say she contributes when she doesn't is just not fair. My husband is in manual labor, and works 12 hour days, travels, and sometimes works nights. His sister is 25 years old, and needs to get her act together. If she wants to be completely disrespectful to her whole family then i feel very sorry for her and her kids, but we are basically paying in part for groceries that go towards feeding her, and i don't feel that is right.
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Old February 27th, 2014, 02:29 PM
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Re: Advice on how to handle in-law situation

If you come up with an amount that you feel is fair to contribute to groceries based on what you and your husband used to spend before you moved in, you wouldn't be paying for her groceries, right? Same with utilities - if the sister lived there before you moved in, then you can compare average bills and contribute the difference. That's what I would do.

And I hear you about sharing the kitchen and all of that. It's difficult. Hang in there. I'm glad you get along with your in-laws, but this is going to really test your relationship.
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Old February 28th, 2014, 03:45 PM
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Re: Advice on how to handle in-law situation

It would be rough, but are there efficeny apartments there?

You could stuff in storage and live frugally - but some people can't handel the tight quarters
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