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Old April 22nd, 2011, 11:42 AM
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snafu snafu is offline
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Re: Advice wanted!

...yeap....I had the experience of not being able to stand up to my own FOO (see my thread "waiting for the other shoe to drop:- or something like that)

DIL from hell - you could try my last ditch effort - I set up a counciling apt. for DH, me, and the "ILs" - that way you have a mediator who might be able to help work things out
once burned, twice shy

He who ignores history is condemed to repeat it!
(it also means you weren't smart enough to learn from your mistakes )
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Old April 22nd, 2011, 01:13 PM
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Re: Advice wanted!

Sometimes we just have to be rude and tell the truth about how we feel about other people meddling in our family business. When it happens... go ahead an feel bad just for a short while... it's okay. Then when its all said and done... have yourself a private party and laugh real loud.
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Old April 22nd, 2011, 10:02 PM
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Re: Advice wanted!

Yup. Agree with Knot again!! My all time favorite question...

What's worse... A lie that causes a smile, or the truth that creates a tear.

It works in almost every situation in every day life!
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Old April 23rd, 2011, 01:43 AM
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Re: Advice wanted!

Originally Posted by DILfromhell! View Post
Thanks again for your responses.... although, tbh, I think I'm past the stage of 'softening' her up. I just cant be bothered any longer. She's no respect for me, and I'm out of respect for her.
Yes, I can understand that and this is a totally normal reaction. When we believe that we have no influence over a situation we tend to withdraw from it and let the events go their course.

What is important here is that you take very good care of your relationship with your husband so that she has no ways to come 'sabotage' it! But, you seem to be doing a pretty good job at that anyway!

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Old April 24th, 2011, 07:48 PM
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Re: Advice wanted!

Originally Posted by DILfromhell! View Post
Help... I'm new to the forum but am so delighted I came across it.

I dont know if I'm imagining things or not, or making a mountain out of a molehill but I cant stand my MIL any longer.

We just had our first baby (5 months ago) and while I was pregnant my MIL assumed she would be caring for the baby when we went back to work. She never once asked me if she could, didnt even suggest it might be a solution or something she would like to do, she just went off and registered with social services so she'd have her papers in order by the time the baby arrived.

She'd asked a friend of a friend for advice on how to go about this and the friend met me one day and started giving me all the information my MIL would need to register as my baby's carer - the friend knew more about my childcare arrangements than I did! Needless to say I went off and did what I intended doing anyway - found a daycare nursery for the baby. I'd always thought this was the best option for everyone, including my baby, but my MIL never gave me the opportunity to discuss this with her.

Then, a few weeks before the baby arrived, she told me she'd raised her own children and wouldnt be raising anyone elses! She said this out of the blue, was making a statement to me, but I'd never given her any impression that I would expect anyone other than myself to raise my child.

She makes nasty comments to me as well. When my baby was three weeks old she asked me 'when's the diet starting?'. I lost my father when I was pregnant and was finding it hard to deal with grief, let alone a new baby, but she didnt seem to care if I would be hurt by this. Now, I dont make an effort with her at all. I dont invite her to dinner, nothing. My husband is nervous around us when we happen to bump into eachother and I feel sorry for him, being stuck between us, but I dont know if I'm over-reacting or not? perhaps I'm still grieving and am finding fault with things she does? Please help!

Do your best. I would try and figure out a way you can handle her so it doesn't get to you. (I was the worst dil to a woman once too)

If you do ever have her over again, don't be alone with her for a second. Dont give her an opportunity to hurt you. You and hubby should come up with a way to handle her together and he has got to have your back.

Really. This is just a rude woman. Not all mils are bad. Maybe she has always been this way and you are just not used to it?

Good luck and enjoy your new baby.
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Old April 24th, 2011, 10:16 PM
Seeking Sensibility Seeking Sensibility is offline
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Re: Advice wanted!

I have been gone from this site for a very long time. I spent some time reading this thread. I have had serious issues with my mil and I have made a decision to cut her out of my life completely. It has not gotten better. She will push and push. She is now monopolozing my husband's vacations. Anyway, I truly feel for DILfromhell!'s feelings. BTW, I don't like your screename. It doesn't make sense.

I don't want you to be where I am. Once you're older and more aware, you'll just get more angry if you ignore what she is doing at this moment.

I believe that your mother-in-law was as meddling as my mother-in-law is when she went as far as to go to social services without your knowledge. This is a huge red flag to you. If she's going to do this, then you have some tough years ahead of you. She is already building resentment because her efforts have been shot down. A nuisance mil is one thing, a resentful mil is another thing altogether. As your child grows, she may undermine you to that child, behind your back. If I were you, I wouldn't allow my child to be alone with her for a minute!

Here's the question; could she have possibly assumed that it was okay to assume that she was going to be your child's provider based on her private conversations with your husband? If she truly wants to control your life, her best bet is to go through him. At this time, it is most important that you and your husband are on the same page and respect eachother mutually.

If he doesn't have your back now, he never will. You should be first, no matter what!

I've read so much about how poor hubby has such a great heart. He's in the middle. He just wants to please everyone. I've wasted too many years giving him that benefit. Fact is, if a man is comfortable in the skin of a man, then he will do what he can to make things right. When he marries, he is to leave his mother and cleave to his wife. She is first. This is my belief, but there are different beliefs.

Good luck!

Last edited by Seeking Sensibility; April 24th, 2011 at 10:25 PM.
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Old April 25th, 2011, 05:20 AM
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Re: Advice wanted!

I hope no one minds if I add my 2 cents to this thread...hopefully if I can explain, as a MIL, it might help. As in everything else, there is good and bad in all of us. However, some MIL's and DIL's are just plain bad...so, I'm not trying to make light of those who do have to deal with the bad.

I don't know why some of us MIL's do this, and it makes me very sad, b/c I was one of those MIL's that automatically assumed that my DIL loved me as much as my son did, never realizing she had her own personal perceptions and ways of doing things. I loved her very much...right away...but made the mistake of assuming since she was married to my son, her home was mine...awful thing to do....but, unfortunately some of us do it...it wasn't until I started reading DIL's that I was horrified, simply mortified, embarrassed and humbled. Thank Goodness I woke up...

I can't speak for anyone else, except myself, but I never meant to wrongfully hurt my DIL. I suppose, since our home was always full of kids, and I baby sat a lot, just assummed my position as leader of the pack so to speak.

Never did I take into account that I was a guest in my DIL's home...and that she had not only her own set of rules, but feelings as well...assuming that she would take my dry sense of humor and advice like it was meant. Instead, her feelings were hurt tremendously, and to this day, it's hard for me to face that I was responsible for our bad blood....since we've made ammends and our relationship is much better....

To the OP, what I suggest is open conversation...communicate to her in a nice way that she hurt your feelings...when....and then explain to her that while you appreciate her kindness....you are going to do things your way.

In the case of our relationship, we left things go and each new thing that happened or was said, was automatically taken as a personal insult, which just adds to the mix of bad feelings and hurtful words...in any relationship there has to be an open line of communication...and it's the way one presents the problem...not in anger or hostility or accussing, but more so, in a kind a understanding way.

It's very important to understand, that no one set out to hurt another, it just happens, and when two women get off on the wrong foot, it simply magnifys over the years...

In my case, both of us were not ready to communicate to consider each others feelings, b/c to much had happened, and we were both extremely hurt and angry...

To the OP, my heart goes out to you...and I'm very sorry this has happened...I believe your mil is reacting the only way she presently knows how...she's being the pack leader that she is used to being....so, it's up to you to train her, letting her know, your the lady of the house, and she needs to respect that.

Hugs and Good Luck
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Old April 25th, 2011, 03:22 PM
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Re: Advice wanted!

I hope the talk with your husband helps. Try to come up with a plan with her--together. He knows her best. I am sure he doesn't want to be the one in the middle. And if she has any concern for her son's happiness she will listen to what is being said. About child care. Meddling. Etc.

As for the diet remark: ignore her. Please. There is nothing you can do or say that is going to change her incredibly poor nature. I would give up on that.

Looks like it's boundary time. Go ahead and set them. We all have had to at one time or another with people. Family, too!

Hope everything works out for you.
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