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Old June 12th, 2011, 08:42 PM
Nena Nena is offline
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Am I a bad mother in law? part 1 It is a long story but please read it

I am devastated and need to share my story and seek advise . About two years ago after knowing his girlfriend for only 2 weeks my son went on a holiday with my husband and my daughter to Europe and staid in touch with his girlfriend On a day he returned I arranged party and she was there too beautiful and lovely and they wore so cute together it was a pleasure seeing them together after that she often staid in our house the night and some times even for few day we all adored her then about four weeks later they told us she was pregnant and even thought we felt he was too young only just turned 18 day before his return from Europe we wore supportive and she was also only just over a year older then him but still too young and we felt they don't know each other well enough we decided that we will support them after all we love our son and we will do anything for him , we wore going to be grandparents , maybe sooner then we expected but with our support we thought our son and his girlfriend will be able to still finish university. My shows up with her soon after saying her mum kicked her out of home and she has no where to stay could she stay with as for a little while till she figures out what to do . My husband and I agreed and the same day she moved in . I felt so sorry for her what she told me about her mum and family in general I just wanted to give her as much love and attention to at least try to make her feel better . She was kind and friendly we accepted her us our own . Sadly they lost the baby and it was just sad and unpleasant time for all and most of all for her . No long after we had my cousin and her husband move in with us and my sons girlfriend still friendly with as became more and more sad , She still complained about her family that wore giving her hard time she left school saying she only did that because her mum wanted her to be a nurse she wanted something else she didn't want to live her mum's dream . I loved her and was feeling great sadness for her her according to her story everyone gave her hard time disrespected her ,gave her hard time . She didn't know her father she wanted to write to him but didn't know how and was worried he will ignore or refuse her . My home was fool of people and all I did was cook clean after everyone go to work come home and it wasn't easy she was sad now all the time I was there for her even thought at times it was all too much for me I was there for them . My cousin cooked 5 times in three moths she lived with as my daughter in law 4 times in eight moths that she lived with as . and even when they were cooking it was after me to serve and wash up no one ever did anything and I newer complained I simply sometimes had to live some work for next day or just do things at night . When she was sad and crying my son would come to me asking to please talk to her I always left everything as I would for any of my kids to talk to her . Then I noticed that more and more often she stays in their room when my son is not there but when with us she would still be sweet and polite so I assumed she has problems with her mum , she has started seeing her mum and other family again by that time but was still complaining about them allot I was there when she wanted to talk but when she closes her self in a room or it didn't seem to me as she is willing to talk after I asked if everything is OK I backed off just as I do with my own kids thinking she will talk if she needs to . First valentines day I paid for a weekend away for her and my son and that morning before leaving for work I left box of chocolates for them she sent message when she woke up to me saying how lucky they both are to have me and my husband in their life and how she wishes her family is more like that . I remember thinking after reading that sms how lucky I am I already have three perfect children and now my future daughter in law so kind and lovely as well all hard work didn't seem so bad . Little did I know that all this time wile I was thinking how perfect everything was she has capt my son up late most of the night crying she wanted to move out weekend way that I arranged for then she used to fight with him for not wanting to move out , my son was worried he did have a job but since he is so young his pay is only small he didn't feel his ready at home they had free food free roof over their had what they earn was for their own pleasure he wanted to enjoy that as long as possible . Then one day he told as that his living we said you not a prisoners here if you want to move out fine if it doesn't work you can always come back but seeing him cry I we also said you don't have to it is up to you . We wore sad but we help them . But she changed from that time
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Old June 12th, 2011, 08:43 PM
Nena Nena is offline
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Re: Am I a bad mother in law? part 2 It is a long story but please read it

I learned that she has been saying horrible things abut us to her family now just as she was telling me about them when I confronted her she admitted telling me that she doesn't know why she did and sad what she did that she is just very unhappy , that she want's to be on her own that our home is too crowded (they had two rooms in a house just for them ) that she wants to have her own dog ( we have two dogs and we let her by a cat when she moved in ) I was heart broken I felt cheated and used I couldn't understand why could't she just move out why telling this people all this lies about as in a same time I felt stupid for not seeing what was going on for loving and trusting her . First few days I was confused then I became increasingly depressed I would just cry my self to sleep or any time that I am alone in a car or at home so I decided to write her and tell her how I feel and all this time I am collecting and preparing furniture and other things to help them start we gave them everything we could ,fridge ,washing machine ,sofa and many many more things . I told her in a letter how I felt and why I don't thing we deserved all that and I left it by her bedroom door . In a morning she comes to my room and brings me a coffee and started to talk . She is sorry that she said does thing about us , but that I have no right to change her that she wishes people will except her for who she is and that the only reason she went to her mum was because she was hurting she needed advise and even thought she brought coffee to me and apologized I wasn't happy with the rest of the things she sad so I told her that she is right I really don't have right to change her but that I can not understand why she sad what she did and what was making her so unhappy and why did't she come to me to talk about that she stormed out of the room when out talking to my son and crying and it was very uncomfortable situation and then everyone left soon after I get sms from her saying she is sorry and that she is hopping that I will find in my heart to forgive her and give her one more chance in afternoon they came to me and I hugged her and left it on that I left house for the afternoon and came home late she was already in a room I didn't see her My husband was talking to my son and told him that he has to make sure that this is what he wants but that he doesn't trust her and he doesn't like what is going on . Next morning in a kitchen she is angry I said good morning she is not responding I asked what is wrong now she started screaming at me how I want to separate her from my and many other things that I could't even understand from all the screaming I was shocked and I've had enough I started yelling back it was horrible She sad some very nasty thing how she will give me piece of her mind , she will give me my medicine .How I pretend to be nice but I am not . How I pretend to listen to people but I am not and so on . It was a nightmare and my son just said to both of as to stop it . then I stormed out and my son came after me after some time and said " doesn't she have right to be hurt too" I could't get it what was it that we did or doing to her . And what is happening to my son why cant he see . I couldn't be calm any more I didn't ask her to leave my home I knew my son will follow her and where will he go they wore so close to finding a place but I wanted so badly to see her go . I didn't even say anything to my husband that time I didn't want any more troubles instead I went to the doctor and ask for something to help me cope and for days to follow my body would refuse food everything a eat comes right up I got so sick but in front of my kids and husband I acted normal with her I refused to speak I was just waiting for the time they will find the place and move out so I won't have to see her again but she didn't like that I an ignoring her like I did for 2 days when I found out she was saying things about as to people that wore not true . She posted things out of spite on facebook like "you don't know how much everyone want's to punch you " and things like that , all of that was making me more and more upset there wore more and more arguments between me and my son he will be on her side then on mine then on her side I could see that he is falling apart but I was so angry and upset I could,t control it even
medicated . She came home with her cousin one afternoon I still refused to say even hello to her but I said hallo to her cousin and she stood there colling my name like I am some dome freak
I just ignored all of that inside I was boiling then my husbands birthday came he did't wan't any guest because of all that was happening he didn't feel like celebrating so we just got cake and take away for dinner. since I could not eat I went to finish some paper work till they finish. I felt week and from luck of food and I fainted that changed everything and my husband didn't get to even have the cake that day till and it was his 40 birthday I felt so guilty for that as well. My son and his girlfriend moved our 2 days later . It was hard for us all but at the same time I have to say I was glad I don't have to see her from the moment they moved out I have not spoken to her I am still so angry and hurt I refused that she comes in a house .My son comes often and we are good with him I want him to be happy and I accept that he loves her and his right to chose who he wants in his life but I could't make my self to be in a same room with her . Its been a year and a half now and they are expecting baby in November my son wanted me to let her back in just to so I decided that for his sake and for the baby I will try but then I read a post she wrote on facebook that made me realize it is not going to be easy she didn't change so when my son asked if I am still OK to see her I told him honestly that I am not sure and how I feel .At one point he said that then the only thing he can do for me to see baby is to leave her and take joint custody I Thought I can't do this this is not OK I don't want to be the reason for anyone to brake up and I don't want to be a reason for my grand baby to live with separated parents I don't want that on my head so I thought about what is more important and what is the right thing to do and even thought I rally wish I don't have to have anything to do with her I will have to swallow my pride put a side my feelings for the sake of my son and his new baby so I toldhim that I would like him to come first time with her when I have other guest so I can accommodate to it slovenly because I am still hurting and stressed. He did say I cant do this to you any more but I repeated few times that it is OK . He is assuring me constantly that she changed so I thought Ill give it a try for sake of all of as . I don't know what happened when he went back , next day I get message from her that she is very sorry that I have changed my mind that she was happy I decided to see her and be part of her new little family (like it is not mine too) and that i am missing out on my sons life and now I will miss out on their baby's life too and that for a year and a half she was staying away to avoid arguments and that she has had enough that she was letting my son visit us and even asked how I am when he gets home . I wrote back that I don't think my son need her
promotion to visit his family that she doesn't own him and that I wont allow her to blackmail me with a baby . I was so mad my whole body was shaking . She re plaid on that she was not blackmail me she is simply saying that if I don't wan't her to not even think that I can be part of her family and that I am not who I say I am that I pretend to like people and to like to give and to listen to people but that I am just pretending and that I am not any of this things and how I am just looking for any reason to dislike her . I answered that I do not wish to be part of her family but that I am still part of mine including my son and his baby and even if she stop them from seeing me I will always be part of their family . and I added just that I also didn't change my mind but that I said come when I already have guests .... I newer got replay from her on that my son also didn't call me so I rang him he sounded distant but respectful on a phone and he even said love you mum I have told him that for his sake my offer still stands only when I already have other people here . I am so stressed I am trying to do the right thing but I cant get read of the hurt and sadness and anger that I feel. Thank you to all of you who read this .
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Old June 12th, 2011, 09:54 PM
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KayKay KayKay is offline
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Re: Am I a bad mother in law? part 2 It is a long story but please read it

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Originally Posted by Nena View Post
next day I get message from her that she is very sorry that I have changed my mind that she was happy I decided to see her and be part of her new little family (like it is not mine too) and that i am missing out on my sons life and now I will miss out on their baby's life too and that for a year and a half she was staying away to avoid arguments and that she has had enough that she was letting my son visit us and even asked how I am when he gets home . I wrote back that I don't think my son need her
promotion to visit his family that she doesn't own him and that I wont allow her to blackmail me with a baby .
Wow. This blows me away.

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Originally Posted by Nena View Post
She re plaid on that she was not blackmail me she is simply saying that if I don't wan't her to not even think that I can be part of her family and that I am not who I say I am that I pretend to like people and to like to give and to listen to people but that I am just pretending and that I am not any of this things and how I am just looking for any reason to dislike her . I answered that I do not wish to be part of her family but that I am still part of mine including my son and his baby and even if she stop them from seeing me I will always be part of their family .
Nena, I can't tell what you want. You want your son and his baby and you want her out of your life?
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Old June 13th, 2011, 12:04 AM
Nena Nena is offline
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Re: Am I a bad mother in law? part 1 It is a long story but please read it

I really don't know what I want I guess I wanted her to come over first time when I have other people here so I can deal with it all in indirect way I don't know but that is not good enough for her and I cant deal with her one on one. I cant denied that I don't like the girl I am not able to trust her and I don't want to tolerate her gossiping and judging me and the rest of my family but I also don't want my son to be between two of as all the time his got university and his work and now baby on a way .He has enough and doesn't need this but she is saying that she asking for me when he comes home and that she cares at the same time she is posting things and saying things about me and my family that hurt , surely she knows people will tell as we will read about it and then she is calling me pretender but I am very clear about how I feel about her . For my son and my family and a baby thats on a way I am willing to let her in but I can not be close to her I am only able to tolerate he being in a same room in a same company to be part of what we are doing as long as I don't have to be directly involved with her . I would newer say or do anything bad to her unless she says something first. I really don't know how to fix this .
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Old June 18th, 2011, 10:53 AM
bsmith98 bsmith98 is offline
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Re: Am I a bad mother in law? part 1 It is a long story but please read it

I'm finding out the hard way MILs are to be seen but not heard. Bring your wallet, open your doors, but shut your mouth. Opinions make you EVIL, even when stated in the most caring and considerate way.

What it appears to me is a complete breakdown in family structure in our society. The dreaded MIL is the brunt of a lot of jokes, is expected, really to be the bad egg in the family. So, it's easy to place blame there, and everyone readily accepts that.

In order to heal, everyone must take responsibility for their actions. Not necessarily through discussion/apologies as this can just reinact the original hurt. But to ensure the hurtful actions are not repeated. Until people start behaving respectfully, forgivingly, we'll all be in this mess.
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Old October 29th, 2011, 06:34 PM
been there been there is offline
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Unhappy Re: Am I a bad mother in law? part 1 It is a long story but please read it

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Originally Posted by bsmith98 View Post
I'm finding out the hard way MILs are to be seen but not heard. Bring your wallet, open your doors, but shut your mouth. Opinions make you EVIL, even when stated in the most caring and considerate way.

What it appears to me is a complete breakdown in family structure in our society. The dreaded MIL is the brunt of a lot of jokes, is expected, really to be the bad egg in the family. So, it's easy to place blame there, and everyone readily accepts that.

In order to heal, everyone must take responsibility for their actions. Not necessarily through discussion/apologies as this can just reinact the original hurt. But to ensure the hurtful actions are not repeated. Until people start behaving respectfully, forgivingly, we'll all be in this mess.
Sadly, I have to agree with bsmith98. I too have learned the hard way. I have always had a good relationship with my son and welcomed my DIL with open arms. I thought that our side of the family was loved and accepted until one day out of the blue, I was informed by my DIL that her and my son and grandson would never be back to visit us. Wow, that was a shock and that's not even mentioning all the great times our families had together and everything we've done for them.

That got me searching the internet to see if anyone else was experiencing a similar problem. I discovered that this is all over the place. These young girls are separating their husbands from the herd of their families of origin, while at the same time maintaining the status quo of their own families of origin. These poor mother in laws are trying to figure out what they have done wrong, like bsmith said, it's easy to point the finger at the crazy MIL. Mind you I'm sure there are some of those too, but there seems to be a trend here, where the DIL is demanding the DH to make a choice between her and his family of origin.

This is a pretty sad commentary. These young girls have no idea how devastating there behavior is and don't seem to care. It looks like they just want to be the sole focal point of there husbands, aka "control freaks". My condolences to all of us MIL who have lost our dear sons needlessly to these very misguided young women.
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