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  #11  
Old January 23rd, 2008, 11:34 AM
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Re: A Couple ?'s for the DILs Out There

Great dialogue - Rowan you've had some really good advice here. 1DH - I wish someone had given your list to my MIL, it might have saved us both a lot of heartache.

Elaine was right on target, as always - show your DIL the same courtesy you would show an adult friend, I think the presumption that certain courtesies go out the window b/c she is "family" (actually she's not really) gets a lot of people into trouble.

I would also add that if you try to always be reasonable and try to look at things from the other person's perspective it will help relations. I very much doubt that she is jealous of you, it's just that you are not her mother - and even if you were her idea of privacy might be different to yours. Your relationship with your son has and will change as a result of him getting married - it doesn't mean it has to be for the worse, you might end up with an even better (adult, and possibly more rewarding) relationship with your son by accepting new boundaries gracefully. Things your son might have discussed with you before might now be off limits (finances in this case) as that is obviously something very private to her - it's just a different value set and the two of them will be figuring this out as they go too. Likewise there are certain things she might have discussed with her mother previously that she can longer, because they encroach on your son's sense of privacy (maybe he wouldn't like his MIL to know how much he earns/when they fight/what they have for breakfast, or whatever it is that happens to be his personal limit).

TBH, I think your DIL's text was a little bit rude (only a little bit) but I'm going to say look on the bright side, because I can see where she's coming from - at least she is being honest with you. I would say to overlook your hurt feelings (I do understand they were hurt, and I understand why) to look at the greater good - that your DIL is actually NOT pushing you away, she is being open with you and trying to establish an HONEST relationship with YOU, not just put on a face for you and tell her husband later how she wants things. It's not to say she can ride roughshod over you, but she's showing you how she works and opening up an honest dialogue with you.

I hope my post doesn't sound harsh, and there's a good chance I'm projecting, they are just a few things that might have helped my relationship with my MIL before it was too late.

Lastly, good for you for being open to discussion and new ideas too - you and your DIL already have something positive in common.
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  #12  
Old January 23rd, 2008, 11:53 AM
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Re: A Couple ?'s for the DILs Out There

Ok here is my point of view.

You were very out of line to discuss money issues with your son....and I am only saying this as a DIL who went through the same thing with my MIL. From the begining my MIL tried to ask about our money situation. I had been living on my own and taking care of my own money for 8 years already and I felt very violated having a stranger ask about my bills and savings. And yes she is my MIL but she is a stranger....I did not grow up with her and I have never asked personal stuff about her (money ect). I am a very private person and I don't discuss my money to any one but my husband...not even my mom...and she does not ask.

She was out of line too by not picking up the phone and saying " I am sorry MIL but I am not comfortable talking about money with you ...please respect that".

Please remember they are a family now and you are an extention of thet family...not a part of it. They are adult and should be treated like you would an adult friend of yours...with respect and boundries.

My mom is my best friend and we talk once a week for about an hour...but I am also a wife and mother and home owner and I don't need my mommy asking if I have saved enough for a house...or how much am I spending...but I love her very much.

Again just my point of view as a DIL who has been through it.
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  #13  
Old January 23rd, 2008, 12:11 PM
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Re: A Couple ?'s for the DILs Out There

Quote:
Originally Posted by 1DH+4Kids=Happyus View Post
Please note - I am looking at your post through MY eyes and my experiences.




Their finances are NONE of your business. They are adults - and discussion of their finances is strictly off-topic. Though BEFORE he had a spouse no topics were off limits - now that he does - there are areas that are not for your ears or your input.

I probably didn't phrase everything the way I should have; my question about their savings encompassed all of "so, hows the savings account for the moving coming along? Think you'll still be able to make it out here by the summer?"-unquote

If no topic were off limits - do you think your DIL may be uncomfortable that her new husband may be taking things to you and not to her?

I have no clue if this was something he didn't share with her or not. He wasn't asking for financial advice, he was asking about down payments, interest rates and how the paperwork process worked, thats it. Its not like he was asking me which house he should buy, what color to paint it, what type of furniture to put in it, etc.

I am sure you would not ask about your son's sex life - it is a private matter between him and his wife.

Money
Child Bearing and Raising

They too are private matters between a husband and a wife.



Son - you really should be discussing this with your wife.

I can say that.

Unless you are a licensed financial planner - DO NOT give financial advise to the couple - you are only asking for trouble and your DIL has given you fair warning that this is not a topic SHE is comfortable with you being privy to.

I have to ask something at this point, is the DIL the only one (should there be any one who does) who gets to give warnings about what she is/is not comfy with? She has said a few things that have really hit me wrong but I've said nothing so as to not rock the boat since we are still getting to know each other .....are my boundaries a non-issue in all of this? Is it supposed to be all about the DIL?



She may be - she is a new wife - they as a couple are considering moving to an area that is "your" domain. You are now giving advice to her husband. In the move - is she having to leave her family behind? They have been married less than 3 mos - they as a couple are still growing.

I live in this state but it isn't my domain. We would be living approximately 65 miles apart and wouldn't be seeing each other (I'm guessing) once a month or so. We live in a very rural place, they would be living in the closest city.

I have to ask another question at this point, a DILs statement such as "we're moving to her domain" sounds like a bit of a personal insecurity problem to me. I don't own the state. See what I mean? I wouldn't consider it their domain if I were to move to the state they're in right now.

Yes, she will be leaving her family behind but my understanding from both of them is that she has never been close to them and leaving them is a non-issue.


Also - you and your DH should not Monday morning quarterback your DIL - but you should be asking yourself:
Why do you feel it is necessary for you to give your input on their finances, how much information would you be comfortable sharing with essentially strangers?

It was a conversation over the phone between my son and I alone. As stated already, we have always been able to discuss anything and he is the one that initiated everything. I was not prying.



This statement screams "I AM HIS MOTHER - OUR RELATIONSHIP AS MOTHER SON RELATIONSHIP SHOULDN'T HAVE TO CHANGE - JUST BECAUSE SHE IS HERE."

No no, that is not at all what I meant. I meant it like "I'm his mother, not his wife, and to act like his wife or have the same type of relationship with him as his wife is not natural.
.
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  #14  
Old January 23rd, 2008, 12:27 PM
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Re: A Couple ?'s for the DILs Out There

Quote:
Originally Posted by Rowan View Post
.I probably didn't phrase everything the way I should have; my question about their savings encompassed all of "so, hows the savings account for the moving coming along? Think you'll still be able to make it out here by the summer?"-unquote
Still - none of your business... kill the part about the savings account and your question is innocuous. Add the part about the savings, it becomes intrusive.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Rowan View Post
I have no clue if this was something he didn't share with her or not. He wasn't asking for financial advice, he was asking about down payments, interest rates and how the paperwork process worked, thats it. Its not like he was asking me which house he should buy, what color to paint it, what type of furniture to put in it, etc.
But you don't know how he presented the conversation to her ... "Mom says we should do xyz.... and wants to know if we are saving enough."

Son - things change in the real estate market - it has been a few years since your father and I bought a house, you should talk to a professional.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Rowan View Post
I have to ask something at this point, is the DIL the only one (should there be any one who does) who gets to give warnings about what she is/is not comfy with? She has said a few things that have really hit me wrong but I've said nothing so as to not rock the boat since we are still getting to know each other .....are my boundaries a non-issue in all of this? Is it supposed to be all about the DIL?
Communication is a 2 way street. It is not your DIL's responsibility to read your mind and know what you are an are not comfortable with - it is her responsibility to let you know what she is feeling.

You say you have boundaries - what boundaries of yours are being violated? If you are uncomfortable with the stand of things - it is best to discuss them so that ill feelings are not allowed to fester.



Quote:
Originally Posted by Rowan View Post
I have to ask another question at this point, a DILs statement such as "we're moving to her domain" sounds like a bit of a personal insecurity problem to me. I don't own the state. See what I mean? I wouldn't consider it their domain if I were to move to the state they're in right now.

Yes, she will be leaving her family behind but my understanding from both of them is that she has never been close to them and leaving them is a non-issue.
The domain remark is not a reflection on a level of security - but you yourself see your relationship with your son as very close - she on the other hand may see it as being enmeshed. Your son is sharing things outside the bounds of their marriage that she is not comfortable.

My husband and I approach it this way - - -

We BOTH have to say YES - before a decision is made. If one of us says NO - then the decision is NO.

Your DIL says NO to sharing info with you - you don't know how the conversation with your son was shared with her - and she may feel violated that THEIR privacy is a non- issue for her husband.


Quote:
Originally Posted by Rowan View Post
It was a conversation over the phone between my son and I alone. As stated already, we have always been able to discuss anything and he is the one that initiated everything. I was not prying.
You may not be prying - but obviously your DIL feels her HUSBAND is sharing too much information.


IMHO - this is an issue that your DIL and Son have to work out - she is uncomfortable with the level of information she perceives he is sharing with you.

Your son needs to learn that all topics are not open for all ears any longer.

You need to step back. This is not an issue about you.

If you feel you need to do something - apologize.

"DIL - I am sorry if you feel I was intruding. This whole MIL thing is new territory for me - and I hope you will be patient as I learn my new role."
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  #15  
Old January 23rd, 2008, 12:28 PM
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Re: A Couple ?'s for the DILs Out There

Quote:
I have to ask something at this point, is the DIL the only one (should there be any one who does) who gets to give warnings about what she is/is not comfy with? She has said a few things that have really hit me wrong but I've said nothing so as to not rock the boat since we are still getting to know each other .....are my boundaries a non-issue in all of this? Is it supposed to be all about the DIL?
I should give alittle further information regarding the above post:

My son, and supposedly my DIL, were the ones to intiate the idea of moving here. I never once asked them to and this all came up last summer, WAY before they got married or I had met her.

He told me one day on the phone "we decided we would like to move to your state and she was worried about getting a place lined up first. I told her you probably wouldn't care if we lived with you for a while until we found jobs and a place to live."

I'm not thrilled about the idea of all of us living together since we're all adults and it will be mixing 2 married sets of partners in one home. At no time did my son even ask me or my husband if this was ok. My husband, who is the SP, is uncomfortable with all of this but told me he loves me and knows how happy having my children nearby would make me, so he said he would agree to it. We aren't charging them rent or nothing. I've not discussed with them that they need to get on the job and apartment hunt right away or given them a time limit on their stay in my home. My son has indicated that they plan to hit both markets as soon as possible. My DIL, as per my son, has said she doesn't want to look for a job or apartment beforehand. So be it.

I am very worried as to how this is going to affect my marriage and the lives of my 2 youngest children who are still at home. I am also worried that my DIL will "work my last nerve", as she has a couple of times already, and I'll blow up.

As a whole, I'm not keen with the idea of them living with us at all but I want them here so I can see them more often so I'm willing to sacrifice and so is my husband, for me.

Last edited by Rowan; January 23rd, 2008 at 12:33 PM.
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Old January 23rd, 2008, 12:33 PM
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Re: A Couple ?'s for the DILs Out There

Quote:
Originally Posted by 1DH+4Kids=Happyus View Post


IMHO - this is an issue that your DIL and Son have to work out - she is uncomfortable with the level of information she perceives he is sharing with you.
I agree! I need to let this all go. After talking about it here and rehashing it over and over again in my head, it really isn't about me getting in her way, its between them.
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  #17  
Old January 23rd, 2008, 12:34 PM
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Re: A Couple ?'s for the DILs Out There

Quote:
Originally Posted by Rowan View Post
My son, and supposedly my DIL, were the ones to intiate the idea of moving here. I never once asked them to and this all came up last summer, WAY before they got married or I had met her.

He told me one day on the phone [b]"we decided we would like to move to your state and she was worried about getting a place lined up first. I told her you probably wouldn't care if we lived with you for a while until we found jobs and a place to live."[/i]

Then this is a problem.

YOU and YOUR DH - need to tell the newlyweds - there is no way, no how that they will be staying for an extended period of time in your house.

It is irresponsible to move like that. If they are to be treated like adults - they need to act like adults.

Notice it is your SON that is saying it is OK for them to live with you - your DIL was worried about finding a place first.

This is a problem with your SON not fully taking on his role as a husband.

And this is a problem that YOU didn't speak up and say, "NO."
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  #18  
Old January 23rd, 2008, 12:37 PM
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Re: A Couple ?'s for the DILs Out There

Sounds like you need to have an honest discussion with your son. And it sounds like he needs to learn something about boundaries - both yours and his wife's.

I agree it's their problem to sort out what is and isn't acceptable to discuss with other family members.

What I can see on the horizon here is a big explosion because noboby had the courage to have a calm, honest, adult conversation for fear of offending each other, and it ends up so much worse than just a nose put out of joint. Seriously, you're going to p*ss each other off so many times over the course of the rest of your life - it's how you deal with this, not avoiding p*ssing each other off that's going to make a good relationship (with both of them - p*ss his wife off and you're going to p*ss him off).

Obviously we help family out, that's what we do, but an honest conversation that it will put a strain on you, tht while you're happy to do it there are things you can do to make it easier for each other (like ASKING rather than telling you that he is coming to stay!) and to help things run smoothly.

Your question regarding whether your DIL is the only one who gets to be honest with her feelings is where you're going wrong - you need to be honest with her about your feelings rather than just nursing your resentments and blaming her for not reading your mind and making it better. She's already shown you she's open to honest communication, what stopping you?
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Old January 23rd, 2008, 12:39 PM
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Re: A Couple ?'s for the DILs Out There

Crude. I'm not real good with getting the full story out, the first time around.

The living arrangements, when/if they make it here, were exactily why I went ahead and asked about the savings situation.

As much as I don't want to admit this, my two closest friends have told me they think this is a really bad idea. I just want them here so badly, I think I'm willing to chance it.

All of this should be a non-issue in my head now anyway.....I think that after all this happened, them moving here won't happen anyway.
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Old January 23rd, 2008, 12:40 PM
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Re: A Couple ?'s for the DILs Out There

As a whole, I'm not keen with the idea of them living with us at all but I want them here so I can see them more often so I'm willing to sacrifice and so is my husband, for me.


This is such a contradiction.

If you are approaching their stay as such a sacrifice - it is NOT going to work out... AT ALL.

You need to gracefully as possible - tell them, "Your father and I have been thinking this situation over and we are not going to be able to let you stay here as we originally thought."

Blame it on the business of the household with the 2 left at home.

Blame it on not wanting to intrude on their marriage.

Call it whatever you want - but the idea - that it is a sacrifice - is setting the situation up for disaster.
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