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Old July 1st, 2018, 08:23 AM
billie1416 billie1416 is offline
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Unhappy My colleagues partner thinks heís having an affair with me

Hello everyone.
Iíve been in a little predicament with a colleague and itís been keeping me up at night. Obviously the title is quite self explanatory, however Iíll elaborate.
Recently my colleague confided in me that his partner doesnít like me, and she believes thereís something going on between us. Firstly, Iíve been with my husband for a number of years and despite a few ups and downs in the last couple of months with my mental health, I love him very much.
Secondly, I have met my colleagues partner on two occasions. The first a number of years ago and it was very brief - I didnít have much to do with him at work at this stage. The most recent time we ran into each other out of the blue, I was with my husband and I waved them over to us. Speaking to his partner I felt as though she was quite cold towards me but figured she was just shy and didnít think anything further. Her behaviour that night made sense when my colleague told me how his partner feels about me. My colleague told me that she has been feeling this way for over a year. Her suspicions began with her seeing text messages we had exchanged which I need to emphasise were completely general messages whinging about work. However these made her feel uncomfortable, and the more he would mention my name or he would message me outside of work (which was maybe every few weeks, not often imo) the more suspicious she became.
My colleague has surmised that her feelings of jealousy and mistrust come from him having a rocky past with relationships when he was quite young, but also because I have the friendship with him that she craves. He is very supportive of me at work and we have each otherís back. Long story short, he has distanced himself from me outside of work which I understood at first, however Iím finding myself missing the support heís given me in the past, especially with my mental health. My husband is a fantastic support also however no one understands your workplace like your colleagues. And I now feel like Iím missing that support. He has said that he canít give me that support outside of work because his relationship is more important and I agree. But selfishly I canít help but feel a bit hurt by this, and itís starting to effect our working relationship.
To add fuel to the fire, another colleague of mine (also male) told me just weeks later that his partner is suspicious of us also (I met her once briefly before I was friends with him). Our friendship is different to that of the first colleague, itís more of a silly friendship, although we do confide in each other, much like what I have with my girl friends.
Iím now wondering what Iím doing wrong to be in these situations. Both colleagues have assured me this is their issue not mine, but itís odd to think itís happened with two colleagues.
For clarity, my husband is completely aware of the relationships I have with both of these colleagues. Heís aware of what their partners think of me and I am totally transparent with him. Heís met both of them several times and even read our messages, not seeing any issue with it.
I also donít think Iím a physical threat whatsoever. Both of these women who feel this way are knockouts in my opinion, so it shocks me to learn that anyone would be jealous of me.
The main issue Iím having is (and again I will acknowledge that itís selfish) potentially losing these friendships altogether. Colleague #2 has assured me this wont happen, whereas colleague #1 has been straight down the line in cutting me off where he needs to. I suppose Iím feeling rejection, and fearing that I will lose them both which I really donít want to happen. I donít know what (if anything) I can do to fix this but I also donít know how to deal with these situations.
Any help or opinions would be appreciated. Iíve been feeling so low and donít want to be the reason I come between anyoneís relationship.
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Old July 1st, 2018, 08:51 AM
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KayKay KayKay is offline
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Re: My colleagues partner thinks heís having an affair with me

Ugh, I'm sorry. Other women's insecurities have made themselves your problem.

Is there any way to sort of befriend these women? Are there company picnics or any way for you to get to know them better? I think that would be step one - make them feel welcome and included.

The other thing you could do is mention your husband and their partners in texts outside of work (i.e. "hubby and I went to X Restaurant - you ought to take Partner there! I bet she'd like it.") since it seems the partners read the texts.

It all seems so juvenile that you'd have to do that. But unless you're being very flirtatious, the problem isn't you.
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Old July 1st, 2018, 11:58 AM
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snafu snafu is offline
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Re: My colleagues partner thinks heís having an affair with me

just wondering what's the cultural background of everyone involved?

do the wives work from home?
once burned, twice shy

He who ignores history is condemed to repeat it!
(it also means you weren't smart enough to learn from your mistakes )
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