Visiting my boyfriend (soon to be married) abroad but his parents are coming too!!

[janeashton]

So my boyfriend moved to the UK in August for his Doctorate. We've been dating for almost 5 years now and have never been apart this long. We Skype and text often every week. His birthday is coming up so I thought it'd be a good idea as a birthday present to get on the plane and go see him...so good of an idea that apparently his parents had the same one (they didn't know I was also planning that)... but now they know that I'll also be staying there and yet they're telling him they're planning on having breakfasts and dinners (one being his birthday dinner) and going to mass with him throughout their stay in the UK...which is almost as long as mine...and completely disregarding me, knowing fully well that I'm going to be there, which I find it disrespectful. We get along fine, but I don't wanna seem petty and complain to my boyfriend about this, after all they're his parents...but on the other hand I'm only coming to be with him, not so much for the scenery and sightseeing... hopefully someone will have some insight and help me face this the best possible way.

[KayKay]

Wow. That really stinks and I can see why you'd be upset about it. I'm not sure what you can do about it though.

Is there any way to discuss it with your boyfriend without it being complaining? Like ask him if the two of you will have any time alone together, or if he wants you to try and reschedule. I'm not saying that the burden should be on you to reschedule, but your future in-laws don't really have the motivation to change their plans. It seems as though they're fine with the plans as they are. Is your boyfriend fine with the plans as they are?

I think the part that stands out to me is where you say "completely disregarding me." You mean they plan to eat breakfast and dinner and attend Mass with their son and you aren't invited? I hope I'm misunderstanding that, because if their son hasn't said "Uh, that won't work" that's not good.

[janeashton]

I haven't spoken directly about this with him yet. You see, during the summer I was helping him find a shared flat so I had access to his email account to sort everything out, and since he's asked me this month to find a better place (he isn't happy with the one he's staying now but is always busy to go look for a new one) I have been sending emails (like sort of his secretary I guess haha) and contacting landlords on his behalf, so I stumbled upon the email his parents (his mother) sent him regarding their plans once they arrive in the UK... He has told me before when he found out his parents were coming at that time too, that I was priority, and that he'll do the best to be with me. It was already hard enough to try to work it out with his very busy schedule at University (he has classes everyday, and although I'm visiting on a weekend he still has a lot of studying to do), but now this... And yes, what they mean on the email (breakfast, dinners, etc) is to be with him, only. Even though we (me and my boyfriend) both know that his parents are aware that I'm staying in town for his birthday too...so its seems a bit of a selfish move to me :/ and they stayed a lot longer with him before he left, while I had to say goodbye a month earlier... I'm sure that he'll not do all of those things they're suggesting (or hoping for), but I know they'll think he's trading them for me... and I also don't think they take our relationship very serious...even though we've been dating for 5 years, so thats another thing. Thank you for helping me, I appreciate it. My friends wouldn't really understand since none of them is in a serious committed relationship.

[KayKay]

Hmm.

If his parents know that you are in town, it is rude of them to expect him to ditch you for meals with him. Whether you are serious or not, if your boyfriend had ANY visitor for the weekend (especially one from abroad who had come to see him) he should not ditch that visitor.

Are his parents staying with him or will they be in a hotel?

There are a lot of factors at play here. I'm a parent of young adults, so I'm trying to put myself in their position. I'm stumbling over the fact that you have been dating for 5 years and they are still treating you as a fling and not as a future member of their family. Is there some huge issue that has nothing to do with you personally (so they get along just fine with you) but that prevents them from considering you as a good match for him? Do you have a ring and a date? Has your boyfriend told them you are discussing marriage?

The only thing I can think of is I'm wondering who is paying for him to be over in the UK studying? Is he self-supporting or are they footing the bill? If they're paying, they may think they get to call some of the shots.

Honestly, I feel like I don't really have any advice to give you. I totally agree with how you're feeling and why, but I also think that this is something your boyfriend should address with his parents without you having to ask him to.

The only thing I can suggest is that you pay close attention to what he does. There's a saying "Start as you mean to finish". Consider this an indication of what your boyfriend is going to do when you are married and his parents decide they want all of the holidays or to name your future kids.

[snafu]

(((Hugs)))

I have no suggestions

[Knot2loud]

Hey... Things happen. This one? Well, you can either keep the negative attitude and you're going to have a lousy time or you can take a few opportunities and ditch the parents. Sort of like playing Bond's 007. In other words... Try to make it fun.

If they get dissed over it... Eventually they'll get over it.

Personally, to me... It's an opportunity to be creative.

It'll work. Unless your boyfriend is stoic.