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  #21  
Old January 2nd, 2018, 02:30 PM
rattlesnake rattlesnake is offline
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Re: Overindulged the grandkids.

Thanks for sharing your insights Lucy and KayKay.

I'm not worried about dealing with my XH. If he calls me I will tell him to deal with DS on his own; it is that simple. My enabling has gone far beyond DS's car payments.

In the past when I have discussed these issues with DS, he will often manipulate by asking if I would rather he was a drug addict. He loves to change the subject and make this seem not so bad, or seem like a non-problem. He has used that little ploy since he was a teen. He does not use drugs, does not drink or smoke and of course I'm glad for that. But it does not mean he should simply be excused for being a 29 year old entitled, spoiled brat who can't even begin to figure out how to support himself even though he has a job that is about average for our area (as a diesel mechanic).

Now he says he blew up the transmission in his car. It is just one thing after the other.
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Old January 2nd, 2018, 02:52 PM
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Re: Overindulged the grandkids.

Do you have any idea what he spends his money on? I mean, I know he went to see the Star Wars movie way too many times, but that doesn't account for $800 plus his paycheck.

I don't mean to imply that he needs to account to you for his spending, or that it's any of your business (except for the fact that he keeps asking to "borrow" money). I'm just wondering if maybe the best help you can give him is a copy of a Dave Ramsey book.
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  #23  
Old January 2nd, 2018, 06:52 PM
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Re: Overindulged the grandkids.

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Originally Posted by rattlesnake View Post
But it does not mean he should simply be excused for being a 29 year old entitled, spoiled brat who can't even begin to figure out how to support himself even though he has a job that is about average for our area (as a diesel mechanic).

Now he says he blew up the transmission in his car. It is just one thing after the other.
My YDSon is going to be 22. He's in college. I pay his tuition and his rent. He pays for his car, insurance, all repairs, food, heat, electric, and entertainment. I am sometimes tempted to help him a little more financially, but then his boss calls to offer him extra hours at his part time job and he declines. So I figure he doesn't need the help.

ETA: His car broke down. I drove him to work today. He just found out the repairs will cost $850 and he'll be without a car for a few days. He can work from home with his one job, and the other is in walking distance. Maybe next time he won't decline the extra hours. For now, he can struggle a little with turning down the heat at his apartment, declining social invitations, and eating ramen noodles.

I very much agree with KayKay: Dave Ramsey is a good idea.

Last edited by LucyVanPelt; January 3rd, 2018 at 10:07 AM.
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  #24  
Old January 2nd, 2018, 07:47 PM
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Re: Overindulged the grandkids.

((Hugs))

Could you continue getting the kids the clothes they need, and maybe paying for some extra activities whether they like soccer if it's school trips that they don't have the money for those things so they don't miss out. You seem like a very loving woman and maybe this will make the kids lives easier without putting you at odds with their dad.
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  #25  
Old January 3rd, 2018, 11:26 PM
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Re: Overindulged the grandkids.

Quote:
Originally Posted by KayKay View Post
Do you have any idea what he spends his money on? I mean, I know he went to see the Star Wars movie way too many times, but that doesn't account for $800 plus his paycheck.

I don't mean to imply that he needs to account to you for his spending, or that it's any of your business (except for the fact that he keeps asking to "borrow" money). I'm just wondering if maybe the best help you can give him is a copy of a Dave Ramsey book.
I keep thinking I don't want to go into all the back story of the past three years since his wife left him but I guess I cannot really answer your question without getting into it some so here goes. Yes, I am deeply involved in his life, too involved and I want OUT! But I will say most of my involvement has been out of concern for his kids, more than him. I love him but think I could let him suffer the consequences of his actions if it did not also bring down his kids.

DS has always been scatter brained, disorganized, likely has ADHD but has never been tested or medicated for it, but it definitely causes him grief in life. He is also very gifted which is extremely frustrating to me since there seems to be fully half of his brain he rarely uses. The good thing is he does not drink, smoke, or use any drugs.

He has his own house, it is not a great house but it is the ONLY thing that he has of any value. He has been spending a lot to fix it up as I believe he pans to ask his gf to marry him and they will live there. As of now she has her own apartment. They bought all new appliances (on credit but his total credit card bills are getting up there too).

Two years ago, DS had all his utilities shut off due to non payment. He rarely directly asks me to borrow money, and didn't ask that time either. But if he didn't take care of his house, he would lose it, and as I said, it was the only thing he has. And if he didn't keep utilities on in the house, this could affect his custody situation. So I took it upon myself that time to pay all his back fees and overdue bills (which were huge) but I made sure I have access to his banking to make sure those bills get paid now. To put it bluntly I don't trust my DS to take care of it and I want my grandchildren well cared for!

Though he did ask for $200 this past month (but I put $800 in his account). Usually, instead of him asking, there are ways I find out about his binds and I rush to the rescue! I'm kind of disgusted with myself to even write that but I guess it is the truth. It has to stop. The Christmas incident is my wake up call.

I do see his bank account and know how he spends his money. A lot of it is spent on late fees because he rarely pays anything on time. He overdraws his account and every time that happens it is another $25 out the window, plus you'd think he would be embarrassed. He pays for everything late so late fees get tacked on and that doesn't seem to bother him either.

He has to pay child support and pay for health insurance for himself and kids. By the time he makes his house payment and pays necessary bills and normal car upkeep, payments and insurance, and buys groceries, I understand there would be little left over. But it seems to me that he doesn't even try to save money, by cutting back on entertainment, maybe eating a few PBJ sandwiches at home after work instead of going out to eat all the time. He's very spoiled and entitled. I'm going to check out the Dave Ramsey book myself. I'm actually VERY good at managing money and I have done it in good times and bad and DS knows this. But if there is something he could learn from a book, anything is worth a try.

I work full time and worked hard to get where I am. I should not be spending a large portion of my pay on this entitled spoiled DS, especially since I see that it does not help him learn anything.
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Old January 3rd, 2018, 11:55 PM
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Re: Overindulged the grandkids.

Oh, rattlesnake. I feel for you. I have a kiddo (in college) who is not-quite-as-conscientious about watching the bank balance as need be (or at all). It drives me crazy and I keep telling myself that letting the debit card be declined at some point is much needed. And then I transfer money. Rushing to the rescue? Guilty as charged!

Don't be hard on yourself. You are a loving mom and a loving grandmother and are trying to do the right thing. It's a difficult balancing act.

It sounds like he could make pretty good headway just by finding a system whereby he paid everything on time. Do you think that's something you could help him with? If he just flat out doesn't have the patience to do it, you could start out by managing his bill payments for him (LucyVanPelt is rolling her eyes at me right now reading that ) to get a system going, then train him, then turn it over when he has mastered it. Hopefully his girlfriend/future bride will be a good influence.

Is there a way you can help without turning over cash? Maybe that's the way to start. Buy groceries before the kids get there. Pick up the tab at Home Depot for a home improvement he's doing. That kind of thing?
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  #27  
Old January 4th, 2018, 12:26 PM
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Re: Overindulged the grandkids.

You probably don't want my recommendation... Tough love. If I were you I would tell him no more financial aid. Utilities go out - then they go out until they're paid (by him). Late fees - Same thing. Creditors calling him - his problem. He's intelligent, he owns property, he has a job, he made babies... Rattlesnake... You're just enabling him and as long as you keep bailing him out... Well... He's going to keep right on going the way he is right now.

Oh! One last thing...

Would be so kind as to make my truck payment for me? I'm taking my wife to an Eagles concert and I could use the extra cash to eat in a really nice restaurant before the concert.
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  #28  
Old January 4th, 2018, 12:43 PM
rattlesnake rattlesnake is offline
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Re: Overindulged the grandkids.

KayKay,
Thanks for your kind words.
You said:

"Hopefully his girlfriend/future bride will be a good influence." (The quote tool is not working for me for some reason)
This is what I am hoping. I hate that he seems to have a woman do this for him, but better her than me! Lol!

As I mentioned she has a few quirks, mainly being the food police to the grandkids, and I feel it is extreme. Maybe someday she will be more mellow about that.

One thing I am sure of she is that she is not the type to pile the dining table high with unopened mail and bills while the uitilities get shut off one by one.
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  #29  
Old January 4th, 2018, 12:53 PM
rattlesnake rattlesnake is offline
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Re: Overindulged the grandkids.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Knot2loud View Post
You probably don't want my recommendation... Tough love. If I were you I would tell him no more financial aid. Utilities go out - then they go out until they're paid (by him). Late fees - Same thing. Creditors calling him - his problem. He's intelligent, he owns property, he has a job, he made babies... Rattlesnake... You're just enabling him and as long as you keep bailing him out... Well... He's going to keep right on going the way he is right now.

Oh! One last thing...

Would be so kind as to make my truck payment for me? I'm taking my wife to an Eagles concert and I could use the extra cash to eat in a really nice restaurant before the concert.
LOL but no I won't make the truck payment for you! Actually your advice is exactly what I'd give anyone in my situation! We all make excuses where our situation is "different" and I will admit, mine is concern for the grandkids.
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  #30  
Old January 4th, 2018, 01:55 PM
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Re: Overindulged the grandkids.

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Originally Posted by rattlesnake View Post
mine is concern for the grandkids.
They do change everything! You're doing the best you can for them by giving them unconditional love and welcoming them into your home. You can help them set a good foundation.

When you enable your DS, you're teaching the kids that his behavior is acceptable, and that you exist just to be used.

When you stop enabling DS, but you continue to love him and give him emotional encouragement, you'll teach them responsibility. That's the best you can do.

Eventually, the kids will be big enough to make decisions, and that's when you'll see what impact you've had with them.
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