Go Back   Friends and Family Forum > The Family Forum > Step-families

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #1  
Old May 30th, 2011, 11:36 PM
WckdStpMom WckdStpMom is offline
Junior Member
 
Join Date: May 2011
Posts: 11
WckdStpMom is on a distinguished road
Bad StepMom 2

I think i'm a bad stepmom on the inside . I don't want to be but I think I am.

I act differently from how I feel mind you but I still feel bad about how I personally feel.

Just a bit of background:
I have a 9yr old DSS. His mother dropped him off after a failed attempt at getting my DH back. She dropped him off a few weeks before I was to give birth to my DS. He's only been with us a few months. My DH is very happy to have him live with us. This has been the missing piece he's been feeling sad about for a long time and now it's as if he has everthing he wants.

Now going back to why I say i'm a bad stepmom:
My DSS has been sick since yesterday. I cooked soup and gave him his medicines even if it meant waking up in the early hours but when he starts crying because his head hurts, I stop him from crying telling him it will make things worst because his nasal passages will get congested and his headache will become more painful but deep inside I know it's mainly coz I find it annoying.

Last night my DH was cleaning up vomit from the carpet floor and the bed and this morning we had to wash our sheets because he pooped in it. Instead of feeling sympathetic, I just felt annoyed.

DSS wanted to stay at the couch and not in the room coz he says he feels lonely there but if he's out here then that means no tv for me. For some reason the tv seems to make headaches worst so we don't let him watch too much of it at the moment.

He's a good kid really. I mean of course there are still things that he can improve on but I would say he's better than most his age.

What the heck is wrong with me? I'm a good person but for some reason I feel this way inside. I'm scared and worried on whether I can stay good to him in the long run. I want to be but I can't seem to help how I feel.
Reply With Quote
  #2  
Old May 31st, 2011, 07:05 AM
Priscille's Avatar
Priscille Priscille is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2011
Posts: 228
Priscille will become famous soon enough
Re: Bad StepMom 2

Of course you will be a good step mom! Just listen to you talking about him. You've got it inside you to be good to him and in the long run you will be the most wonderful step mom he could dream of!

In the meantime, why are you feeling this way? I wonder??? Might it have to do with the fact that your life has been completely turn upside down by the arrival of a step son and a son at the same time?? And, of course, he's been stealing a bit of the attention of his dad who is so glad to have him back? And it scares you a little bit as you wonder what the future holds??

Give yourself some time, these were pretty big changes... Before you know it, you'll know how to share your love between these three souls, and they are going to give it to you back triple fold!
Reply With Quote
  #3  
Old May 31st, 2011, 02:58 PM
WckdStpMom WckdStpMom is offline
Junior Member
 
Join Date: May 2011
Posts: 11
WckdStpMom is on a distinguished road
Re: Bad StepMom 2

Thanks Priscille, I sure hope you're right for his sake and mine.
Reply With Quote
  #4  
Old May 31st, 2011, 04:18 PM
Mylady Mylady is offline
Junior Member
 
Join Date: May 2011
Posts: 1
Mylady is on a distinguished road
Wink Re: Bad StepMom 2

Hi, just reading your post made me remember my step mum. i really had a bad relationship with her. she moved in with us (my sisters and my Dad) when i was only 5 years old and it was down hill from there. i know it must be really difficult to have to take the child of someone your DH has been with before as your own. but children really have no clue what the difficulties are and really dont understand the dynamics.

i just remember wanting my stepmother to love me just as if i were hers. but that was too hard for her and she made it clear. and children can feel negative energy towards them. you seem to be trying and it sounds to me that you would really want to be a good mum to him. i know i was difficult sometimes but it was really in reaction to her treatment of me.

you have it in you to overcome whatever unhealthy feelings you are experiencing now and its partly because it is a new situation and a challenging one too. but you can do it. you can share your love all around. and believe me it would make a difference to him and you will see it in the way he relates to you. my stepmum has gone down in my bad books and if by God's grace i had not dealt with the bitterness and anger that she caused me all my life, i had every intention of eliminating her name from my wedding guest list. she could have been a mother to me regardless of the circunstance but she chose to make my life and my sisters miserable. but you can have a very precious relationship with yur stepson. its really up to you. i know even though i had my mum all along i really wish i had had a better relationship with my stepmum. she lived with us for 20years! and its full of bad memories. i have forgiven her now, ofcourse and will definately be inviting her to my wedding, but its really just out of respect for my Dad.

you never know how much blessing you will receive for making your home a home for him also. take it from someone who has gone through a lot of pain. It will be hard but it will also a victory for you. all the best to you. i know you can do it!
Reply With Quote
  #5  
Old May 31st, 2011, 04:46 PM
KayKay's Avatar
KayKay KayKay is offline
Moderator
 
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Texas
Posts: 16,172
KayKay has a reputation beyond reputeKayKay has a reputation beyond reputeKayKay has a reputation beyond reputeKayKay has a reputation beyond reputeKayKay has a reputation beyond repute
Re: Bad StepMom 2

Welcome WickdStpMom.

I had a step mom growing up (real mother died) and she was the most wonderful thing that ever happened to me. I don't know how she felt on the inside, but I do know that I felt special to her and even though she has been dead for 20-some-odd years, I feel her imprint on my life every day. So sometimes good comes from the "step" relationship. Just wanted to give you that hope.

I hope I'm not out of line, but reading your post made me think "Why does she feel bad about THAT?" I don't know a single mother - blood or step or foster - who has never been annoyed at washing sheets that a kid has pooped in. I wondered why that would make you feel like you're "bad"? Then I realized... you have a newborn.

The relationship you have with your newborn is amazing. You can spend hours just staring at that perfection and can't imagine loving anything more than you love him. I remember that feeling with my DS - that was pretty cool. You might not believe this now, but when your DS is 9 and pooping in your bed? You'll be annoyed. My point is - cut yourself some slack. Your relationship with your DSS is a new relationship and your love hasn't had time to grow yet.

I'm proud of you for behaving in a way that is loving to your husband and DSS, even if on the inside you aren't feeling it yet.
__________________
Expecto Patronum!
Reply With Quote
  #6  
Old May 31st, 2011, 06:03 PM
Mrs X's Avatar
Mrs X Mrs X is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: New Zealand
Posts: 3,917
Mrs X has a reputation beyond reputeMrs X has a reputation beyond reputeMrs X has a reputation beyond reputeMrs X has a reputation beyond reputeMrs X has a reputation beyond repute
Re: Bad StepMom 2

Hi WckdStpMom, i feel annoyed at all those things too. In fact, i throw up when others vomit, even if it is my daughter vomiting. Yuck.

You'll probably be annoyed when your baby does it too in years to come! - I don't think it matters that you feel annoyed, it matters how you deal with it regardless. (hope that makes sense, if not, just go with "wot KayKay said")
Reply With Quote
  #7  
Old May 31st, 2011, 06:04 PM
HisHeathenHoney's Avatar
HisHeathenHoney HisHeathenHoney is offline
She Who Must Be Obeyed
 
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: San Francisco Bay Area
Posts: 3,182
HisHeathenHoney has much to be proud ofHisHeathenHoney has much to be proud ofHisHeathenHoney has much to be proud of
Re: Bad StepMom 2

Quote:
Originally Posted by KayKay View Post
Welcome WickdStpMom.
The relationship you have with your newborn is amazing. You can spend hours just staring at that perfection and can't imagine loving anything more than you love him. I remember that feeling with my DS - that was pretty cool. You might not believe this now, but when your DS is 9 and pooping in your bed? You'll be annoyed.
Ditto this. (I have a 5 and a 7 year old.) You have no expectations of a new baby. You just sort of bask in their incredible awesomeness, and even when they cry, poop, spit up, etc., you tend not to be mad because, well, it's a BABY. Babies get to just "be."

However, unless you are raising a spoiled brat, you have expectations of an older child, and they regularly fail to meet those expectations, *even if they are good children.* Getting super annoyed by a child doesn't mean you are a bad mom. If you have an older kid or kids and are not regularly being driven insane by them, then you are probably on enough Valium to drop a pony.

When I was expecting my second child, I worried that I loved my first child so much, I wouldn't be able to love the second as much. (Unofficial poll of mom friends: this is a common fear when you are about to leave mom-of-only status.) A very wise friend said, "Love isn't finite. There is enough love for two children, or three children, or four. What there isn't enough of is patience."

Act in a loving way even if you don't always feel it, understand that being aggravated by children is totally normal, that your patience has its limits and that does not make you a bad person, and take a deep breath when you think you are going to lose it.

Don't make your goal to love your bio-children and step-children so much that you will never feel impatient and angry with them. Beyond the babe-in-arms stage, this is completely and totally impossible. Make your goal learning to manage your own impatience so that you can still act as a good mom and enjoy the good times, while you laugh off the exasperating times with your mom friends. That's what they're there for.
Reply With Quote
  #8  
Old May 31st, 2011, 06:32 PM
HisHeathenHoney's Avatar
HisHeathenHoney HisHeathenHoney is offline
She Who Must Be Obeyed
 
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: San Francisco Bay Area
Posts: 3,182
HisHeathenHoney has much to be proud ofHisHeathenHoney has much to be proud ofHisHeathenHoney has much to be proud of
Re: Bad StepMom 2

Quote:
Originally Posted by WckdStpMom View Post
Now going back to why I say i'm a bad stepmom:
My DSS has been sick since yesterday. I cooked soup and gave him his medicines even if it meant waking up in the early hours but when he starts crying because his head hurts, I stop him from crying telling him it will make things worst because his nasal passages will get congested and his headache will become more painful but deep inside I know it's mainly coz I find it annoying.

Last night my DH was cleaning up vomit from the carpet floor and the bed and this morning we had to wash our sheets because he pooped in it. Instead of feeling sympathetic, I just felt annoyed.
My DS1 just had his tonsils out. He was terrible. His pain meds wore off, and he couldn't have more, and he would cry, and want to sit in my lap and cling, and I was so tired, I sometimes felt like screaming at him to just stop. I never did, but I felt like it.

Also sometimes, it was hard to get him to take the pain medicine. I had to coax and nag and badger. He would cry, because it tasted awful, and I would be so frustrated, because I knew he would be beyond kmiserable until he managed to take it, and I would feel angry with him for not taking it.

Kids are like a marathon. Sometimes you hit the wall. And then you just somehow find it in yourself to keep going. When you raise one from infancy, you have the advantage of starting in the kiddie pool of expectations, so to speak. You have time to slowly adapt to applying expectations to children. You, however, got thrown in the deep end. Sometimes that's the way it is. (Other things can throw you in the deep end...a child's serious illness, a family crisis, a learning disability). You don't always feel that motherly glow, but that's not what being a mother is about. Being a mother is about how you somehow find it in yourself to keep going even when you are NOT feeling that motherly glow. Which will be often.

To get cheesy and quote Kipling:

"If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew
To serve your turn long after they are gone,
And so hold on when there is nothing in you
Except the Will which says to them: "Hold on""

Well, then (to paraphrase Kipling), you're a mom.
Reply With Quote
  #9  
Old May 31st, 2011, 11:23 PM
WckdStpMom WckdStpMom is offline
Junior Member
 
Join Date: May 2011
Posts: 11
WckdStpMom is on a distinguished road
Re: Bad StepMom 2

Thank you everyone for your words of encouragement, somehow it has made me feel less stressed about it and less alone. I guess we are our own worst critic.

Priscille, I suppose what i'm scared of is the thought that I might not really be able to handle this as well as I thought I could and that my annoyance was just the beginning, a possible sign that I might be changing into a horrible person that I don't want to become. I think after reading all your responses I realized that i'm just giving myself the snowball effect.

KayKay, you are right, I guess I can't help but compare how i'm currently feeling with my newborn and my DSS. Very conscious of the fact that there is a difference in how I feel, I easily feel guilty thinking that the reason behind my annoyance is because he's not mine.

I'm sure you guys are right, when my DS grows up and starts talking back, not wanting to eat his food, refusing to drink medicine and talking about not wanting to go to school coz it's boring, i'd probably get really annoyed too.

HisHeaThenHoney That poem by Kipling is one of my favorites along with the Desiderata so it got me a bit teary reading it as i've never really thought of applying it in my current situation.

My DSS is now feeling better, no throwing up, no more diarrhea, no tummy ache and seems to almost forget he was actually in pain yesterday. Now he's hoping he doesn't have to go to school tomorrow coz he says it can sometimes be boring, at least that means he's back . Had to google how I may convince a 9yr old that school is good
Reply With Quote
  #10  
Old June 2nd, 2011, 12:53 PM
snafu's Avatar
snafu snafu is offline
future crazy cat lady
 
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: Mid-west
Posts: 9,879
snafu has a reputation beyond reputesnafu has a reputation beyond reputesnafu has a reputation beyond reputesnafu has a reputation beyond repute
Re: Bad StepMom 2

Have you done any research (in all that spare time you have)?

Its okay to feel overwhelmed right now. I also agree with PPs in that you've got a lot going on right now.


Before (and in the early years) my DH & I became a "combined" family I did a lot of research on how to ease the transition into combined families & make them work. I don't remember most of the places I found stuff, but I could give you info if you're interested.
__________________
once burned, twice shy

He who ignores history is condemed to repeat it!
(it also means you weren't smart enough to learn from your mistakes )
Reply With Quote
Reply

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Forum Jump


All times are GMT -7. The time now is 12:37 AM.


Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.7.3
Copyright ©2000 - 2018, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.
Copyright 2007, The BlueSparks Network