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Old July 17th, 2017, 12:19 AM
lilly210 lilly210 is offline
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Still in love?

Hello everyone-
My husband and I have been married for 5 years and together 7 years. Our marriage has been really rocky. Lately, I haven't been happy. I remember last year, I ask my husband to do date nights and try different things out. Go out to our adventures like we use too. I would put in effort to make things better. After repeated being shot down, I started to give up. My husband doesn't really put in effort towards a lot of things and this includes his career, which we spoke about multiple times. He's a great man and loyal. He's been wanting a child. I more apprehensive about it because I feel like I already have a child at home, why bring in another. Then I struggle with knowing my biological clock is ticking and I need to start now! But, there's a part of me that's hesitant. I told him I need him to step up to the plate. Just seems like nothing gets through to him and he just does whatever he feels like. Minimal effort. I'm tired of it. I've told him in the past and there's no change or he doesn't take me seriously. Now, I'm faced with my own feelings of, do I still love him? Or do I just love him like a family member? I care for him of course. But, I don't find him attractive anymore. Majority of what he says, it's relevant or does not interest me. We don't really have common hobbies or like the same thing. I've talked to him about marriage counselors and we can't even effort that right now.
I'm afraid I felt out of love with him. Even the small things he does for me around the time he wants sex doesn't do it for me anymore. Majority of the time, I do feel alone. He checks out when he comes home from work. We tried dating recently and it's not consistent and partially my fault as well. I would've jumped all over it last year, but something just changed.
I even have dreams about my ex-boyfriend that I had many years ago. I don't have feelings for the guy, but I feel really bad at the fact I have those dreams because I don't want them!
I'm concerned that I'm not in love with him anymore. I don't hate him or anything but I do find my comfort with my family such as, mom, dad and siblings but not with him anymore. He's been noticing things are off with me. I'm holding back on saying anything because I don't want to hurt him and say something I'll regret.
Please help....
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  #2  
Old July 17th, 2017, 01:40 AM
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Re: Still in love?

Quote:
Originally Posted by lilly210 View Post
Hello everyone-
My husband and I have been married for 5 years and together 7 years. Our marriage has been really rocky. Lately, I haven't been happy. I remember last year, I ask my husband to do date nights and try different things out. Go out to our adventures like we use too. I would put in effort to make things better. After repeated being shot down, I started to give up. My husband doesn't really put in effort towards a lot of things and this includes his career, which we spoke about multiple times. He's a great man and loyal. He's been wanting a child. I more apprehensive about it because I feel like I already have a child at home, why bring in another. Then I struggle with knowing my biological clock is ticking and I need to start now! But, there's a part of me that's hesitant. I told him I need him to step up to the plate. Just seems like nothing gets through to him and he just does whatever he feels like. Minimal effort. I'm tired of it. I've told him in the past and there's no change or he doesn't take me seriously. Now, I'm faced with my own feelings of, do I still love him? Or do I just love him like a family member? I care for him of course. But, I don't find him attractive anymore. Majority of what he says, it's relevant or does not interest me. We don't really have common hobbies or like the same thing. I've talked to him about marriage counselors and we can't even effort that right now.
I'm afraid I felt out of love with him. Even the small things he does for me around the time he wants sex doesn't do it for me anymore. Majority of the time, I do feel alone. He checks out when he comes home from work. We tried dating recently and it's not consistent and partially my fault as well. I would've jumped all over it last year, but something just changed.
I even have dreams about my ex-boyfriend that I had many years ago. I don't have feelings for the guy, but I feel really bad at the fact I have those dreams because I don't want them!
I'm concerned that I'm not in love with him anymore. I don't hate him or anything but I do find my comfort with my family such as, mom, dad and siblings but not with him anymore. He's been noticing things are off with me. I'm holding back on saying anything because I don't want to hurt him and say something I'll regret.
Please help....
maybe you're experiencing an emotional burnout issue ?Why not travel together to get back those great memories? Good luck to you!
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Old July 17th, 2017, 03:57 AM
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LucyVanPelt LucyVanPelt is offline
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Re: Still in love?

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Originally Posted by lilly210 View Post
Now, I'm faced with my own feelings of, do I still love him? Or do I just love him like a family member?
The "romantic, sexy, fun" stuff comes and goes, but that's not what makes a good marriage. This is long term relationship--12 years already. In 50 more, when your body is fat, frumpy and wrinkly, and he's lost his hair on his head but is growing it in his ears, you may not find either of you sexy and be "in love." But will you still love each other like family? Because that IS what you are.

You are checking out emotionally, perhaps he has already, too. You do need to reconnect.

If he he will not go to counseling, you should to anyway. If you want to start on something by yourself, I suggest a book called Divorce Busting. You don't want to throw away a marriage because you're not "in love."

You might find this article helpful: http://divorcebusting.com/a_walkaway_wife.htm
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Old August 8th, 2017, 10:48 AM
NagathaChristie NagathaChristie is offline
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Re: Still in love?

I agree with Lucy. The romance stuff comes and goes.

When my husband and I look at other couples who seem unhappy the one thing that they seem to have in common is that they are not "friends". My husband is my bestfriend.

Its easy to notice the negative things in someone and to let that take over. We need to purposely try to notice the positive things in our spouses to keep the negative away. "Yeah. He drips coffee and sugar all over the counter every day... but the man makes the best pot of coffee in this house!"

This doesn't cover everything. Sometimes you have to communicate, be open about what the problem is. Use therapeutic communication, statements like "I feel like....", "Can you help me to ____?"; these types of statements can be more helpful than "You don't do ____" or "You need to fix ____".

In the end once you have made honest, open attempts to improve your life with your spouse, you then need to decide if you want to continue on your journey with or with out them.
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Old August 14th, 2017, 03:40 PM
ChristianMartinez ChristianMartinez is offline
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Re: Still in love?

Quote:
Originally Posted by LucyVanPelt View Post
The "romantic, sexy, fun" stuff comes and goes, but that's not what makes a good marriage. This is long term relationship--12 years already. In 50 more, when your body is fat, frumpy and wrinkly, and he's lost his hair on his head but is growing it in his ears, you may not find either of you sexy and be "in love." But will you still love each other like family? Because that IS what you are.

You are checking out emotionally, perhaps he has already, too. You do need to reconnect.

If he he will not go to counseling, you should to anyway. If you want to start on something by yourself, I suggest a book called Divorce Busting. You don't want to throw away a marriage because you're not "in love."

You might find this article helpful: http://divorcebusting.com/a_walkaway_wife.htm

Exactly
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Old August 18th, 2017, 02:18 AM
KyleCo KyleCo is offline
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Re: Still in love?

Things don't apply to the modern day relationship that is solely materialistic. I sound very rude but that's the hidden truth.

The definition of love today is "Settling down with the best you can get until someone better starts showing interest in you"
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Old August 25th, 2017, 08:55 AM
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Re: Still in love?

My wife is about as romantic as a fish flopping on a beach. Me... Pffft... I'll go stain the deck or play the harmonica until it becomes annoying. It's really not a bad thing IMO. It's just the way we are. Do we have a good relationship? I think so. Are we friends? Without a doubt. Do we crawl all over each other? LMAO!!!

The OP is still young in a relationship. There are still a lot of thing in your married life you have to go through... This is probably one of those things. Yes... See a counselor or someone along that line of profession.

I wish you the best.
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Old October 9th, 2017, 05:41 PM
lilly210 lilly210 is offline
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Re: Still in love?

Thanks everyone for the suggestions and feedback!!!!
It's been awhile that I thought about divorcing. After thinking it through, I've been just doing some self development and revisited the past and why we got together and focusing on the positive. Why did I fall in love with this man? Why did I choose him? There were many qualities that he had at the time that was attractive. Over time, he lost himself and just let things go. I think the one thing that gets to me is that I wish he would try harder with life. So I decided to tell him how I felt emotionally and broke everything down. Told him I needed him to want to take care of himself and his family. I can't always do everything. Let him know I felt alone in the marriage. In the last few months or so, things have been getting better. He's taking initiative on chores around the house and just being caring towards me. Haven't felt that from him for a while. There's a lot of major changes in our lives now and I think he's going through mid life Crisis? Seems like it.
I don't want to divorce him because deep down I do love him. It's easier to give up and move on, but I can't do that to him. The commitment can be difficult, but I'm starting to see it's worth it. I want things to work out.
Thanks again for hearing me out!
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Old October 9th, 2017, 10:16 PM
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Re: Still in love?

Very happy to hear it lilly210! Thank you so much for coming back and updating us. Hopefully someone else will read your thread and gain hope.
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  #10  
Old October 10th, 2017, 06:53 AM
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Re: Still in love?

I am happy to hear you say those words lilly210. I am also happy so hear your husband is trying too. So many times people give up or their "self-proclaimed" pride image that they want to hold on to gets in the way of reasonable logic towards the success of the relationship.

Yes... That is great to hear.
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