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Old August 2nd, 2014, 07:46 AM
janematt12 janematt12 is offline
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Unhappy Found out that I have grandchildren!

Hello everyone. I am in such a state right now and could really use some kind words/advice.

My son married two years ago, we had a close family bond for a long time but he always felt like the black sheep. We got on well with his partner initially and she seemed like a positive influence, he came out of his shell a bit more because she is a strong character. I was glad about this because he used to be shy and ended up being a doormat, she encouraged him to stick up for himself. But he became more distant from us over time and they moved away. They like to be private which I don't understand, I wish they would tell me what is going on in their lives. This lead to many arguments within the family and we didn't think we would be invited to their wedding but we were, although my daughter wasn't.

Their wedding was in our hometown and they returned to their city soon after, we barely hear from them even at Xmas etc. I don't think I have the correct number for them anymore. I know they have visited our hometown to see friends and so on, but we haven't seen them for two years.

Anyway, I was out for lunch earlier this week with my daughter (who my son detests and didn't invite to the wedding) and my mum (his gran) and we saw my daughter-in-law with two children! She came into the same restaurant to meet a friend with a boy approx 18 months and a newborn baby. My mum went over and DIL confirmed they were her little ones, "daddy is at work so we're having a day out". DIL didn't turn around or acknowledge me or my daughter at all.

This is a complete shock to me. I knew my relationship with my son/DIL was strained, but not this much. I really don't know what to do, please help.
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Old August 2nd, 2014, 08:41 AM
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Re: Found out that I have grandchildren!

There have never been any harsh words or arguments?

I think you should let the shock wear off for a little while, then decide what you want out of the situation. Before you can have a relationship with your son's children, you have to fix the relationship with your son.

When you say your relationship is strained, what do you mean? Why is it strained?
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Old August 2nd, 2014, 02:37 PM
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Re: Found out that I have grandchildren!

Hi, I'm so sorry for your family situation, this is completely abnormal. Most parents really WANT all grandparents to be involved with their children. You have reached out for help with it so good on you for recognising there might be something you can do about it.

Agreeing with KayKay, you have to sort out what you want most, and start fixing things from that point of view. There must be so much more to this than what you are able to write here.

Obviously there is some reason why your son and daughter don't get on, is this the heart of the problem? Any chance he sees your relationship with her as a betrayal of him and what he believes? (You don't need to answer this on here, but you need to be prepared to answer these questions honestly to yourself).

If you really don't know what is wrong, you have to have a very hard think about what has gone wrong and where, from the point of view of how your son sees the world.

Good luck.
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Old August 2nd, 2014, 06:38 PM
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Re: Found out that I have grandchildren!

do you know why he feels he's the "black sheep"?
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Old August 4th, 2014, 02:00 AM
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Re: Found out that I have grandchildren!

I think you have done the best you could when loving your son and DIL. Whatever happened in the past let it be, get a hold of your son and apologize even if you believe you did no wrong. If you want a relationship with your grandchildren you Must Apologize. Tell him you love him and ask him to forgive you. It's very likely what he wants to hear, then if he feels its genuine he will let you back into his life. Stop thinking of why he is mad or what went wrong and focus on how happy you will feel when you get to hold those beautiful children in your arms.
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Old August 4th, 2014, 09:06 AM
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Re: Found out that I have grandchildren!

The problem with that though, pink taffy, is that if janematt12 has no idea what she is apologizing for, the apology could make things worse. A true apology should come from a position of remorse for one's actions and an intention to not do those actions again and not from a position of trying to get what one wants.

My MIL used to give me the ol' "I'm sorry if something I did upset you." That is called a non-apology. It honestly made things worse. She didn't care WHY I was upset. She just wanted me to get over it so she could continue behaving how she behaved and getting what she wanted. That made me MORE upset - that my feelings didn't matter and I just had to accept her bad behavior.

I think you're right that janematt12 needs to apologize to get her son back in her life (if she wants that). However, she can't give a genuine apology unless she knows why the relationship with her son and DIL is so strained in the first place.

It's difficult to imagine the relationship getting to the point of not even sharing the news of grandchildren without janematt12 even realizing it.
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Old August 4th, 2014, 10:46 PM
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Re: Found out that I have grandchildren!

Maybe when she apologizes she can come from a place of sincerity, if its coming from her heart. If its in her heart her son will feel it. Perhaps your MIL was just patronizing you? I really do not know. When someone apologizes the other person rarely says for what?! for what?! Usually one party is just waiting to hear those words ' Im sorry ', If he does then janematt12 you can say -- I'm sorry for letting it get this bad. I'm sorry that I didnt Love you or your girlfriend how you expect to be loved. I'm sorry for everything. He will definitely feel it's genuine he will be able to feel his moms heart pouring out. And he will respond, no one wants to see their mom cry or feel pain. janematt12 if you really want to know about all the reasons your son is mad at you. Then ask, but be prepared to hear it, and he will give you an ear full. kaykay is right knowing the details is good when trying to patch things up. Sometimes how ever the problem is too big to deal with the small things and you must deal with the main issue. You love your son you miss your son and you want him, and everything that is attached to him, kids and girlfriend. Be thankful he is going to let you Apologize, Apologize be sincere about your/his pain. Be humble and you will win his heart and love back. The small stuff will fall into place little by little.
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Old August 9th, 2014, 08:57 AM
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Re: Found out that I have grandchildren!

janematt12 boy this is a tough one and my heart goes out to you, but I have to agree with KayKay....take it slow, and when you have the chance, maybe try and talk to your son, ask him to please be upfront and honest with you b/c you want to fix this....but then when and if he tells you, no getting upset or yelling...try to see it all from his perspective....and try harder then ever before..you have to...but ROME was not built in a day, all good things take a lot of time and personal conviction...
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