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Old March 17th, 2016, 09:37 AM
CONative12 CONative12 is offline
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Trying to help my grandma

About six months ago my grandma had a very minor fall and she cracked her a rib. She was in the hospital for a very short time and then released to go home. While at home she was on oxygen and had a nurse come by for a couple hours each day. My aunt who has Power of Attorney decided that she was going to take on all the care for her and my two disabled uncles that live with her. My mom and our family live in the same area and have offered to come and take care of her and my uncles, but my aunt won't have it. We can't even go visit her without my aunt getting upset and then yelling at my grandma.

Recently, my mom's siblings all met to discuss my grandma's condition. They deliberately did not include my mom because the decision they made was to put my grandma in a home and displace my uncles to group homes. My mom and all of us (her kids) are the only ones who truly believe she does not need to be in a home. She does not need 24 hour care or really any at all. She has also never been diagnosed with dementia or Alzheimer's and is of complete sound mind and able to make her own decisions. My mom has also offered to move into my grandma's house and live there as long as she needs to. They have completely ignored my mom and put my grandma in a home about 3 weeks ago.

There are may things that have come up that are very suspicious. My aunt with POA has told my grandma that she has no money left (which is really hard to believe) and that when she was released from the hospital they didn't think she would recover and had basically expected her to die. All through this they have kept my mom in the dark. They gave my grandma's car to my cousin who has already wrecked his 1st two cars and this was after my sister offered to buy it! They didn't even tell my grandma what they did. The nurse that was visiting daily was scared to death of my aunt and after the nurse would leave my grandma was told she could not leave her bedroom. My aunt put a video monitor in her bedroom to make sure she stayed in there until she got home from work. My aunt told the nurse that my grandma couldn't use the phone, yet she called me almost every day.

My mom went to visit my grandma last night. My grandma started crying and told her she hated being in the home and she thought she was going to die there. The doctors and nurses also told my mom that they didn't understand why she was in there because she didn't require 24 hour care and is the most self sufficient person they have. She is also not eating much because she doesn't like the food and she cannot afford to not eat. My grandma made the comment to my mom that she wanted to meet with her lawyer and make some changes to her will and other documents. I told my mom that I am happy to take her to see her attorney since i have some time off at work.

It truly breaks my heart to see my vibrant and loving grandma in a place that makes her so sad and depressed. I don't know how else we can help her. My family won't talk to us and frankly I don't care if I ever have a relationship with them again. My concern is for my grandma's health and to make sure that she is happy and comfortable for the rest of her life, however long that may be. The other part that hurts is that my uncles will now be moved from their home, separated from each other and put into group homes. Both are very emotionally fragile and we are not sure that si the best option. Not to mention that the original plan was for my aunt (with the POA) to take care of them in their house if anything were to happen to my grandma.

Sorry this is so long but it's just been so much and really hard on my family. Any advice or suggestions would be greatly appreciated.
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Old March 17th, 2016, 10:55 AM
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KayKay KayKay is offline
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Re: Trying to help my grandma

Take your grandmother to see her lawyer, but make sure the aunt doesn't know (and don't even tell the caregivers at the home because they might accidentally blab). You might even start regular outings to lunch or something so it isn't as obvious. Your grandmother's lawyer might even be willing to go visit her in the home so he can see first hand what is going on.

Document everything, and research elder abuse. I don't know if you have a case or can make a case, but it's worth looking in to.

Your aunt may have POA, but that doesn't mean your grandmother gave up all of her rights to make her own decisions. Your grandmother should talk to her doctors and nurses in the home about options she has available. They will be a great resource for her, and will also be extremely useful if your grandmother ever has to prove that she is "of sound mind."

Most importantly, don't let your aunt have reason to suspect anyone is working against her. It sounds to me like she is dangerous.
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Old March 17th, 2016, 03:07 PM
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Re: Trying to help my grandma

The doctors and nurses told your mom that your grandmother doesn't need to be there? As KayKay said, if your grandmother is of sound mind, then the POA shouldn't be in effect.

What kind of POA does your aunt have? Medical? Financial? General? Limited?

Rather than taking your grandmother out to go to her lawyer, which may have the appearance of your influencing her to change her will, ask the home's social worker to step in and help to protect her. The social worker can contact the lawyer on your grandmother's behalf.

Good luck!
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Old March 18th, 2016, 12:02 AM
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Re: Trying to help my grandma

Me too agree to your opinion. The first thing she need is protection. So thru a protector she can approach a lawyer.
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Old March 18th, 2016, 06:47 PM
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Re: Trying to help my grandma

update?
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Old March 21st, 2016, 09:01 AM
CONative12 CONative12 is offline
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Re: Trying to help my grandma

UPDATE - Thank you all for your posts!!

Yesterday my grandma asked the nursing manager at the home why she was there. The response she got was "for your own safety". She told them that my mom was going to move in to her house and take care of her. They told her that unless my mom was able to be there 24/7 then they would not let her go. First of all, it's my understanding that if she is "of sound mind" then she can check herself out of that place. Not only that, my aunt wasn't there 24/7 and she was fine! My 2 uncles that are there are fully functioning despite disabilities and can help. Plus her neighbors are a nurse and firefighter/EMT should something happen. My mom was also still going to have someone come in a couple hours a day just so she has some company when my uncles and her are at work. I also only work 5 minutes from her house and go over on my lunch hours.

The doctor she sees there told her she didn't need to be there and took her off the oxygen everyone said she needed constantly. She was told she has congestive heart failure but this doctor at the home said she was fine! I feel like my family is hiding something which is why they put her there.

We had her at my mom's house on Saturday for dinner. My sister, my mom and I talked to her. She then also told us some very alarming things that my mom's siblings had said to her. She was on board for us to help her then she changed her mind yesterday because she doesn't want my aunt to get mad.

I am working on a way to get people to write statements on my grandma's behalf to show she is over sound mind and can make decisions for herself.
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Old March 21st, 2016, 01:09 PM
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Re: Trying to help my grandma

If your grandmother is scared of your aunt, she won't be willing to do anything and your efforts will be wasted.

Really, the best thing to do is put this in the hands of professionals. You are getting conflicting information. Please have your grandmother contact the social worker at the nursing home so an independent third party can get the facts straight.

Also, while you may be willing to go visit your grandmother on your lunch hours for an indefinite period of time, and your mother is willing to leave her home and live with her mother for an indefinite period of time, please do not rely on the neighbors to be available. They most likely would be happy to help if they are around at a time when they are needed, but so many things can happen (they could move, they could be on vacation) that they need to not be part of your argument in favor of your grandmother moving back home. It may not be time right now for your grandmother to go into a nursing home, but please be open to the notion that it *might* need to happen at some point.

Here is my experience. My grandmother was housebound (after breaking a hip) for close to 30 years. She had very loving sons who took turns staying with her, she had home care every day, and she had so many friends and neighbors that not a day went by in those 30 years without a visitor. She was a wonderful, sweet woman, very loved and well cared for, but the reality is that 30 years of that was a very long time, for both her and her sons. Yes, I am glad she never had to go into a nursing home but by the last ten years or so she was confined to just a few rooms of her house anyway. Even with everyone's best effort (my uncles were wealthy) her home was difficult to maintain and I'm not sure she was really happy there. I hope your grandmother's experience will be different.
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