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Old November 27th, 2017, 09:49 PM
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Son moved back home - DDIL kicked him out

My eldest son moved back into our house - cooling off period as DDIL calls it.

My son has two small children - ages 1 and 2 1/2 - both work F/T.

I told my DS that I don't want to know their marital problems - its the same thing I told DDIL - that I hope they can work it out. I don't want or need to know specifics.

Am I wrong? Should I speak to my son about the "issues"?

I prefer to remain Switzerland in this situation - I love them both and the grand-babies very much.

Oh, and DDIL said to me "you can make it as uncomfortable as you want - he needs to have an epiphany"

thoughts? Advice??
Please and thank you for those that may of been in our situation.

PS - hubby and I have been married over 35 years with our share of ups and downs.
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Old November 27th, 2017, 10:09 PM
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Re: Son moved back home - DDIL kicked him out

Hi trixxie!!

I agree... be Switzerland. "I love you both very much and hope that you can work it out." Offer to watch the kids if they want to go to counseling. Other than that...

I will say though that whatever the issues are, your DS living in your house needs to be living there as an adult boarder and not as your son. I'd be tempted to do his laundry, cook his meals along with mine, etc. I think maybe he needs to be very clear about what life as a single dad would be like.

Good luck, to you and to your son and DDIL.
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Old November 27th, 2017, 10:36 PM
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Re: Son moved back home - DDIL kicked him out

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Originally Posted by KayKay View Post
Hi trixxie!!

I agree... be Switzerland. "I love you both very much and hope that you can work it out." Offer to watch the kids if they want to go to counseling. Other than that...

I will say though that whatever the issues are, your DS living in your house needs to be living there as an adult boarder and not as your son. I'd be tempted to do his laundry, cook his meals along with mine, etc. I think maybe he needs to be very clear about what life as a single dad would be like.

Good luck, to you and to your son and DDIL.
I had to tell my husband to keep his mouth shut. It's none of our business. He's 35 years old and needs to figure things out.
AND YES!! I won't be mothering him and make things easy for him. If DDIL asks - I will help out with the grandkids.

BTW, missed seeing you around. I'm sorry there is a lot going on with hubby with him being on the transplant list.
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Old November 27th, 2017, 10:57 PM
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Re: Son moved back home - DDIL kicked him out

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Originally Posted by trixxie View Post
I had to tell my husband to keep his mouth shut. It's none of our business. He's 35 years old and needs to figure things out.
AND YES!! I won't be mothering him and make things easy for him. If DDIL asks - I will help out with the grandkids.

BTW, missed seeing you around. I'm sorry there is a lot going on with hubby with him being on the transplant list.
Ahhh! We miss you too! I always love when you stop in. I hope you keep us up to date with your DS and DDIL.

What are the custody arrangements? It must be tough on your DDIL to get the kids up and going in the morning to get to day care. Maybe you ought to suggest (to your DDIL) that they take turns living in their house and your DDIL can live with you part of the time when your DS is having his turn at their house.
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Old November 27th, 2017, 11:04 PM
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Re: Son moved back home - DDIL kicked him out

That's what I think too - unfair for her.
That's why when DDIL said "don't make it easy for him" I totally agreed.

I hadn't thought of that - however, I think she wouldn't want to stay here - her Dad lives nearby too. BUT, I like that idea that if this goes on for too long that she should be a "single" for awhile.

Yep, whatever the issue is, my DS is doing his thing. He's out playing basketball with his buddies. He's done this for years, even before he met DDIL....

PS - I sent you a msg - I posted in the wrong area - I should've posted in "adult children" versus this one.

PPS - I happened on my first post when we first started here. Interesting memories...

I'll update on the other DDIL in another thread - we get along famously now!
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Old November 28th, 2017, 12:18 AM
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Re: Son moved back home - DDIL kicked him out

I moved the post for you.

Well, if your DS is out playing basketball with his buddies, I think we may have stumbled upon the problem. I think I have been in your DIL's shoes, when my kids were those ages and my husband was working all of the time, so not a reliable source of help. It was so tough, and I was a SAHM! But... Switzerland!

One of my friends (who really is such a tremendous role model for me in many ways) has a son and beloved DIL who were divorced about 1.5 years ago, with two young kids. It has been heartbreaking for her, because she really loves her xDIL. So I can imagine what you're going through. Her xDIL told her that one of the reasons the decision to divorce her son was so hard was because she knew she had the best MIL in the world and would miss my friend wholeheartedly. She worried about her xDIL having to do all of the morning preparations for their young children (not in school yet). It is tough on the children, as they get older, to split time between the two homes which are an hour apart. My friend worries about what is going to happen when they start school (the parents live in different districts) and has so many questions to ask and advice to give, but one reason everyone loves her so much is... Switzerland.

Will you still get to see your grandkids as often?
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Old November 28th, 2017, 05:42 AM
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Re: Son moved back home - DDIL kicked him out

Aww, Trixie, I love to see you, but not under these conditions. I'm sorry.

I support the Switzerland approach!

I also went through a rough time where I was working, and taking care of everything, and DH went out and played ball with his buddies. My MIL very much supported that-- she would never sit for me because I worked, but she would sit for him to play. And I contributed my own challenges to the marriage-- like punishing him so he'd learn his lesson.

I'm sharing this because our marriage survived this rough part, and many marriages can. His play time is still very important to him, and I still feel like the responsible adult, but DH's playing has become less of a problem because the children are mostly grown. We did almost separate, but the reality of that scared me enough to make me work through it. I hope that your DIL and DS see what I did, that divorce was just exchanging one set of problems for another.

I hope they find a way to work through this, and I hope you can remain Switzerland!

Now, about your DH-- first, how is he doing? Second, what did your DH want to say?
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Old November 28th, 2017, 09:58 AM
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Re: Son moved back home - DDIL kicked him out

I am so glad you are here! I've been caught up with DH. And all the new grandbabies!

DH is doing... well, ok. I think he's giving up. He has a fatalistic approach saying things like "if I'm around next year" he's not saying it now around the holidays. And, surprisingly, he is acting stronger to show support - but I can't get him to walk even around the block. He's gained a bunch of weight and while I understand that isn't the problem so much as the underlying issues - medications, and liver failure. He had a splenectomy when he was young and received 4 units of tainted blood and contracted HCV. While that is cured due to a new medication, the damage is done to his liver. His weight is an issue, and he needs to lose weight to get him BMI down to a surgical level.
Yeah, that bad.

Well, this morning I had left a note for DS. Telling him help himself to whatever he needs to eat. He didn't bring anything with him.

DH? He wanted to ask "what the f*ck do you think you're doing? You have a beautiful family". He hasn't said that.

Being Switzerland - I think will be ok. I am going to say to him tonight - if you need someone to watch the kids while you both go to counseling - I am your gal.

The other thing?

DS has been out to lunch with a female co-worker. If it's progressed? I don't know.

Last edited by trixxie; November 28th, 2017 at 10:08 AM. Reason: spelling
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Old November 28th, 2017, 10:36 AM
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Re: Son moved back home - DDIL kicked him out

Quote:
Originally Posted by trixxie View Post

DS has been out to lunch with a female co-worker. If it's progressed? I don't know.
Ugh. That may very well be the deal breaker.

Whether or not it's physical, it may be an emotional affair. Or it might be nothing.

If your DIL were here, I'd refer her to Divorce Busting.

I might have allowed DH to give his son a kick in the pants. Fathers and sons have a different relationship than mothers do, and with your DH's illness, it might be heard.

Your poor DH, though. HCV is such a rotten disease because it's hidden until it's advanced.

How is your health?
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Old November 28th, 2017, 11:18 AM
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Re: Son moved back home - DDIL kicked him out

Regarding HCV - DH decided early on to put family first and not get treated with a possible year-long interferon treatment that may or may not of been successful. He wanted to continue making a living and supporting his family. By that time, the damage has been done. It's a vicious disease - medications and their side effects.

Yeah, DH told DS that he hoped things would get back to normal. I'm being quiet about it all and just accepting that he is a boarding at our house. DS himself said "thanks for housing me" Interesting term...

I'm ok - I'm so glad we moved back to WA - I absolutely hated AZ (where Elaine is - I think) Is Elaine still around?

To me, the idea of lunching with a co-worker is emotional betrayal. Pure and simple. I have no idea if it was fast food (doubt it know my DS). He is more of a sit-down and eat at a local Asian themed restaurant.

What is Divorce Busting?
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