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  #11  
Old December 21st, 2012, 07:39 AM
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Re: Top 10 Marriage Mistakes

Quote:
Originally Posted by Knot2loud View Post
Hang in there girl. I have the uptmost confidence in your ability to make things right.

.................................................. ..

On a side note... I tried to simply "add" the new info, but the forum setting do not allow editing of posts after a specified time frame. Never quite understood why this forum doesn't allow editing of personal posts indefinitely.

No matter... I'll just keep adding info the best way I can.
Thanks for the vote of confidence.

To answer your question about editing... In the earliest days of this forum, both editing and anonymous posting was allowed. That invited troll activity. Some personal attacks were launched, then edited. Thankfully we no longer have that kind of trouble, but now we are having issues with spammers coming in before the edit window closes to add links to otherwise acceptable posts.

It's a pain for us rule-following folks so thank you for your understanding.
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  #12  
Old January 3rd, 2013, 08:21 AM
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Knot2loud Knot2loud is offline
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Re: Top 10 Marriage Mistakes

...and some more...

.................................................. .............

2. Listening to your spouse...

A common source of discord between a husband and wife is the expectation that one spouse will gladly go along with the other's desires, including unspoken ones. Here is a clue to unraveling the mystery of peace in the home: Accept the fact that no matter how wonderful your beloved spouse is, your every wish is not his/her command, and vice versa.

Especially in the early years of marriage, partners may fail to give each other credit for being unique individuals. But no two people are made from the same mold.

The recognition of differences need not be a source of frustration. In fact, it fosters personal growth. By seeking to understand your partner's viewpoint before expecting to have yours understood, you will reap the reward of a happier marriage.

Active listening involves more than just lending an ear. It requires complete concentration, giving space to the other person, and not interjecting your own thoughts and feelings at the wrong moment.
First, make sure that the conversation about a potentially sensitive topic occurs when both of you are calm and when distractions are unlikely.

Then follow these six steps:

1. Stop what you are doing. Take the necessary time to really listen to your partner.

2. Look at your partner. Eye contact expresses that you are ready to listen. Body language and facial expression also indicate an interest in listening. Focus on your partner. Try to push everything else from your mind.

3. Listen to your partner. Listen without interrupting, arguing, or giving advice. If you are having a strong emotional reaction to the words, notice it. Breathe in and out slowly a few times to center yourself. You will have a chance to express yourself later, but for now, just listen.

4. Rephrase or repeat what your partner says. This step encourages us to be good listeners. It also helps us understand the other person's meaning and feelings. Rephrasing also helps the partner recognize and clarify his or her feelings. Start with, "I hear you saying ­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­__________________."

5. Always check with your partner whether your interpretation of what was communicated is accurate. Ask, "Am I understanding what you are saying correctly?" The speaker should clarify his or her meaning if the partner's interpretation seems inaccurate, after which step 4 should be repeated.

6. Be empathic. Seek to understand your spouse's emotions in the situation she or he is describing. Try to put yourself in your spouse's position. Save your advice for another time.

Reversing Speaker-Listener Roles

After completing this exercise to the point that your spouse clearly feels understood by you, you may want to express your viewpoint on the topic. If so, reverse roles. You now share your thoughts and feelings, and your partner gets to practice active listening.

Get Ready for Peace in the Home

Some people are afraid that if they are empathic they will need to give in or agree with their partner. It is important to recognize that what we all want most is to feel understood. The goal is not to necessarily resolve an issue immediately, but to clarify both viewpoints of a situation. Once partners feel understood, they are more likely to find a solution that works for both of them over time.

Keep in mind that, as the sages say, "words from the heart enter the heart." So, listen first in order to understand your spouse's thoughts and feelings. Next, express your own heartfelt message, with sensitive "I" statements that will encourage your partner to listen, as you did. Then, enjoy the peace that you are bringing into your marriage.
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  #13  
Old January 3rd, 2013, 08:27 AM
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Re: Top 10 Marriage Mistakes

Listening continued...

................................................

There is a world of difference between listening with your ears and listening with your heart in a way that makes the other person feel heard. We live in hurried times, where so much emphasis is put on deadlines and schedules that too little time is accorded to the human need for expression. Yet listening with your heart doesn't take much time, and it makes a tremendous difference in the quality of your relationship.

So how do you listen with your heart?

1. Don't start off by apologizing. "Huh?" you say, completely confused. "I thought apologizing if you did something hurtful was the right thing to do!" It is, but it's not the right place to start. The right place to start is by listening.

2. Stop whatever you are doing, and really listen to your spouse. Listen with your eyes, as well as your ears. Look at your spouse as he tells you how he feels about the way you hurt or inconvenienced him. Don't fidget, text, tweet or file your nails at the same time. Give your spouse your compete and undivided attention.

3. Resist the temptation to defend yourself. This is a hard one for most of us! You like to think of yourself as a good person and when you've hurt your spouse, it's usually not deliberate. So there's a natural tendency to jump in with your explanations, excuses, defenses and rationalizations. Resist, resist, resist.

4. Acknowledge what your spouse feels. "It was really uncomfortable for you to be rushed like that." Or, "you felt really ignored, like I wasn't paying any attention to your needs." Or "it felt like I didn't value your opinion" are all examples of acknowledging what your spouse says to you about his feelings.

5. Be courageous enough to ask (genuinely) "Is there anything else?" "Ouch!" you say. "That could really hurt!" Certainly, if you haven't been truly listening to your spouse for a long time, it could hurt. There might be piles and piles of resentful feelings built up. If, however, you listen to your spouse as soon as something comes up, there won't be much "else." And it is important that your spouse have the opportunity to really speak his piece.

6. Apologize. Now is the time to apologize, graciously and honestly. You still don't need to defend or justify. The apology is sufficient.

7. Make amends and/or change your future behavior. An apology has no value unless it is backed up with action. Amends are often the most powerful way to apologize.
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  #14  
Old January 4th, 2013, 09:29 AM
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Re: Top 10 Marriage Mistakes

Really good post
.
I did a course on communications recently..really to help with approaching disabilty
services my son uses, the correct way, without becoming too emotionally involved
or getting angry.

I knew all the stuff covered same as we all realise the truth in Knots post.
When you sit and participate in a discussion on active listening skills it rams the whole
thing home to you so very well, body language, expressions etc.
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  #15  
Old January 4th, 2013, 12:18 PM
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Re: Top 10 Marriage Mistakes

One of the things I have learned as a husband is that I have a responsibility to defend my wife.

This may not be a problem elsewhere but in Australia, while we may not bag our wives publicly ourselves, we are often guilty of sitting back and saying nothing when our spouses are being mocked (ever so gently) by others.

My wife needs to know that she is being defended and that her reputation matters to me.

This willingness to defend should not be motivated by the idea that she is weak and incapable of defending herself but because she is precious and worth defending.
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  #16  
Old December 7th, 2013, 05:02 PM
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Re: Top 10 Marriage Mistakes

Quote:
Originally Posted by davidtrounce View Post
One of the things I have learned as a husband is that I have a responsibility to defend my wife.

This may not be a problem elsewhere but in Australia, while we may not bag our wives publicly ourselves, we are often guilty of sitting back and saying nothing when our spouses are being mocked (ever so gently) by others.

My wife needs to know that she is being defended and that her reputation matters to me.

This willingness to defend should not be motivated by the idea that she is weak and incapable of defending herself but because she is precious and worth defending.
Wish my husband would do that for me...I feel like he could care less if people are mocking me or belittling me. Often he has even gotten mad at me for telling that person to knock it off and telling that person she was out of line. When we worked together, I was often the butt of his jokes and all he would say was that I shouldn't take it so personally. That he was just joking...

Your wife is lucky that you give a damn.
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  #17  
Old December 30th, 2013, 08:54 AM
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Re: Top 10 Marriage Mistakes

Quote:
Originally Posted by namaste621 View Post
Wish my husband would do that for me...I feel like he could care less if people are mocking me or belittling me. Often he has even gotten mad at me for telling that person to knock it off and telling that person she was out of line. When we worked together, I was often the butt of his jokes and all he would say was that I shouldn't take it so personally. That he was just joking...

Your wife is lucky that you give a damn.

I'm a little late with this... but for our future readers - especially the men... Making your wife the "butt of your jokes" in the workplace does not relfect well on your own integrity. Over the decades I've run into a few - not many; but a few men who thought they were being funny by making jokes about their wives to their coworkers. They weren't funny - they were reflecting their own ignorance by disrespecting there wife. I would hear people talking behind there back about what a slug or low life they were. My condolences to any man's wife who is stuck with a turd like that.
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  #18  
Old December 30th, 2013, 09:22 AM
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Re: Top 10 Marriage Mistakes

^ It goes both ways too, Knot. I've known women like that (making fun of their husbands). The reaction to them is the same.
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  #19  
Old December 30th, 2013, 10:50 AM
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Re: Top 10 Marriage Mistakes

Quote:
My condolences to any man's wife who is stuck with a turd like that.
Get unstuck. It can be done. Might take some planning, might be some difficulty for a bit - but it is well worth it.

For any "spouse" that belittles the other, I have a feeling there are some serious issues that are being denied.

Get counseling, therapy - sit and talk it out whatever - GET UNSTUCK. If there is no improvement, if the other is set in ways - there is separation and divorce.

Might seem extreme. BUT - everyone deserves to have their feelings validated and to be supported and feel safe: physically, mentally, spiritually, economically, etc. When that no longer applies, it is time to GET UNSTUCK.

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  #20  
Old January 16th, 2016, 08:10 PM
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Re: Top 10 Marriage Mistakes



I've been bad at #2 & have realized it
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(it also means you weren't smart enough to learn from your mistakes )
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