Biggest friendship betrayal ever!

[lilly210]

One of my close friend betrayed me. I've been living in distrust with relationships for quiet sometime now. I'm at the cross road of not knowing what to do with her. Whether I should cut things off with her or not. I have limit my communication, however she
won't stop calling or reaching out to me.
We were really great friends and had many awesome adventures together.
We met professional and were in sale together. We grew together and she decided to get her degree. I'm proud of her for taking a leap of faith and she did well. As she was going to school, I noticed she started correcting me as I was explaining my experience and it was making me uncomfortable. I didn't ask her to correct me as we were talking about what was going on in our lives.
As far as I'm concern, we're both here to share and help each other out. Things started to get rocky.
One day, I met up with an old colleague and he had established a new company. I mentioned her name because she was looking for a job. That sparked him to contact her. She got hired.
As she was working there at his company, I was also going through my own journey of culture change in my job. There were politics and issues I've discussed with her. Pushing of religion to employees and my manager being dishonest, so I reveal to her how unhappy I was and looking to leave.
Once I resigned. The colleague she was working for asked her if they should bring me in as a consultant because of the success in my last job. She told him I was not emotionally well and wouldn't be a fit and also revealed the stories I told her.
I also remember that there was a time she asked me about my process and what worked for me. I helped her with her project.
Keep this in mind, I was not aware of this happening until a year later.
One of my other friends that works at that company started bad mouthing her. I was uncomfortable and started to push myself away because I didn't want anyone to give me a hard time about who I can be friends with. That hinder our relationship.
One day, as we were talking about her work situation and mentioned my other friends name. Out of guilt, she then confessed how she betrayed me and told the owner what had happened with my situation and how I was emotional. She gave me the excuse of that, she had to do what was best for the company. I told her I get it, "You made a business decision." She got upset and became a victim and was upset at the fact I made her feel a certain way. I ignored her and was soooo heart broken after that point.
I didn't know how to face her and was so upset at her. When then had another discussion and she apologized again, I explained to her. I told her these things because I need her to be there for me. Instead, she revealed what was in my heart and destroyed my reputation.
I told her that if she was my friend, she would've just left it alone. That was not her decision to make. It was still between the owner and myself.
Till this day, she till contacts me and just vents about things. But I do limited my time with her and really am not truly revealing with what's going on in my life. I don't tell her anything professionally. I'm afraid she will hurt me again.
I have a big heart. But I'm finding it so hard to forgive her for what she has done to me.
This has truly impacted my relationships with others and I don't trust people.
After fully understanding the picture and chain of events, she took my knowledge and used it for herself. So I believe she proposed she can do it herself and pushed me out.

I need another perspective. Is this how the game is played? Am I naive? Is there something I do not see. I want to let her go but at the same time, we have similar professional friends, so I'm afraid she will do more damage. What damage I have no idea.

Now shes undergoing some diagnosis and health issues. She revealed to me that she doesn't have much friends left and she busy majority of time due to traveling.

There's time when I think to myself what would god want me to do...

I hate her for what she did to me. Finding closure for the situation has been so hard.

Please help...=(

[KayKay]

Wow, so much going on here.

I have to wonder why your friend did what she did? Did she give you a reason?

I once worked with a woman who moved to a new city and recommend me for a job where she worked when I moved to the same city. Within a couple of months it was evident that it was a very bad move. The woman had changed so much (professionally) between when we worked together at the first place and when we worked together at the second place. On top of that, we were equals at the first place and she treated me as an inferior at the second place. It was not a good place for me to work, and I would have preferred to know that up front so I would not have accepted the position.

I also once had a friend tell me that another of my friends had applied for a job he was offering. He asked what I thought, and I told him I didn't think she was the right fit. I really liked (still like) my friend, but I also know her strengths and weaknesses and it was a position she wouldn't have done well in or liked. I don't feel like I betrayed her; I feel like I did her a favor.

Do you think that's possible the case for your friend?

I do think you ought to talk to the other friend that badmouthed her and you pushed away. It sounds to me like he/she was trying to let you know what your friend had done, so if it were me, I'd tell them thank you for trying and I was sorry I hadn't understood.

[lilly210]

I really appreciate the quick response.

yes for my other friend that told me about her and was giving me signs. Yes towards the end, I did tell him he was right about her. However, I do think we didn't go deep into the conversation enough to let him know that I was appreciative. So, that is something I know I can improve on and make right.
I asked her myself, if she thought I could do the job. She didn't feel I was in the emotional state at that time, however the job she thought I would be a great fit. I was leaving a very toxic environment and she knew what was going. Around that time, she also asked me about my trade to gain information and found out later she had spear headed the project instead, and using the information on my presentation that I gave her.
If she told me that she doesn't think I was the right fit, I would be hurt however coming from a friend, I would accepted the feedback and learn from it. Also, value a true friend.
When she told me that, she said my former boss and I didn't have a good relationships anyways so it shouldn't be a big deal. Needlessness to say, I still do have a good relationship and former boss does still ask me for feedback. I surprised her when I told her we were still communicating.
I shared with her my personal feels and frustrations and I think she judged me on that and not knowing the full story before taking action on the business side. She apologize later and told me that she shouldn't have done that. And, it wasn't her place and asked me for my forgiveness.
She wanted to go back to how things were. I told her it will take time and I can't promise. I told her I'll do the best I can.
The anger and resentment is still here after so long.

[KayKay]

Originally Posted by lilly210

I asked her myself, if she thought I could do the job. She didn't feel I was in the emotional state at that time, however the job she thought I would be a great fit. I was leaving a very toxic environment and she knew what was going.

So she thought it would be a good fit, but the timing wasn't right. In a way, she judged you professionally, thinking that you would allow your emotions to get in the way of your performance. That hurts. My impression is that she was afraid of you getting the work and doing a better job than her, which would make her look bad to the owner.

Originally Posted by lilly210

Around that time, she also asked me about my trade to gain information and found out later she had spear headed the project instead, and using the information on my presentation that I gave her.

That's really wrong. She used you, without your knowledge or consent, to make herself look good.

Originally Posted by lilly210

I shared with her my personal feels and frustrations and I think she judged me on that and not knowing the full story before taking action on the business side. She apologize later and told me that she shouldn't have done that. And, it wasn't her place and asked me for my forgiveness.

You thought you were sharing things as a friend, and she used it against you professionally. So understandably, you can't trust her.

Originally Posted by lilly210

She wanted to go back to how things were. I told her it will take time and I can't promise. I told her I'll do the best I can.
The anger and resentment is still here after so long.

I understand. Here is my take on it: It is not your job to make things "the way they were." She broke your trust and ruined the friendship. It is nice that she apologized, and I hope you can eventually get to a place where you can forgive her (for your peace, not for her benefit). I think, however, she has to learn to live with the consequences of her actions. She has proven herself to not be trustworthy, and therefore you should not be obligated to trust her.

Something tells me that you aren't the first person she has betrayed.

[lilly210]

I can say that it's true. It's most likely not the first betrayal.
We haven't spoke for awhile and I'm contemplating on whether I should just tell her I can't trust her anymore or just not call her back. She's been trying to reach out to me and I just don't want to call back. Part of me feels bad, don't know why I should. But, maybes it's because I hate to leave people hanging especially with our history. I truly cherished what we had and maybe I'm just respecting that part of the relationship and merely her as a person.

What would be your recommendation? Should I just tell her out right and let her know I don't trust her anymore. Therefore, we just can't be as close anymore. Or just let it fade out. Many people tell me, to just let it fade out because he's emotional and there's potential for drama.

I don't know. I'm just open for suggestions. One things is for sure, my trust for her is no longer there.

[KayKay]

I'd just let it fade out. If you can't trust her, why give her a chance to stab you in the back again?

[JemStar]

Yup, time to "let go." Let it fade unless she demands an explanation.

Manipulation, lies, deceit and on and on, why deal with the pain and wonder what will be next?

Relationships that cause any amount of pain and anguish just won't work.

You will become unhealthy quick.

You did not do the betraying.


I allowed a friend back in my life once - she called herself "true blue."

I even trusted her as a reference for a very needed job of which I was told that the only thing she would tell my soon to be boss was that I didn't stink.

What??!! I was embarrassed I chose to use her as a reference - she had insisted. In spite of that, I did get the position. And BOOM! She shows up at my office -- she just signed on for classes there. Awful.

Then, to find out she and my then boyfriend were very chatty on the phone - something she never even hinted to me about.

I told her I could never trust her ever again. She wasn't worth it.

Best of luck in this. Go with how you feel when the pain is bad...and ask yourself why she is so important in your life to endure it.

[lilly210]

Wow. Thanks for sharing your journey.
It's true. There's no point. After my experiences of her in the recent years, it's no longer the same person anymore. If anything, she's become more deceiving. I really appreciate your reply.

Somethings are better just left alone.