Go Back   Friends and Family Forum > The Family Forum > Parents

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #1  
Old August 31st, 2013, 08:54 AM
tina981 tina981 is offline
Junior Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 5
tina981 is on a distinguished road
Dad Issues

To introduce myself, I am a 30 year old single woman in US. Parents live out of country.

This is about my dad who is growing older. He is 70 now so I understand that all I should ideally give him is unconditional love but I simply cannot get past how he treats me.

I do not like how he taunts me on things that hurt a lot. For example, I had once lost my job three years back and it was an actual firing- not a layoff or other stuff. Never mind it happened because of the CFO who flirted heavily with me and then got rid of me when he felt threatened.
My father doesn't know those circumstances. FYI that I never had a problem getting a job after that or being employed was not an issue since then.
In fact I got a job after just a month of that incident.

Funnily though, since then, if I were to for example, disagree with my dad on something and talk strictly with him over the phone if he is adamant on something he wants me to do which I do not want to, or if we disagree on something and he is constantly arguing, then he would start telling on how I got fired once from my job and that if I continue arguing like this, I will keep getting fired.

This is what I referred to when I say 'taunt'.
Even the world wants to forget the horrible and really embarassing incident that took place like three years back but he is the one who keeps reminding me of the same. And I am saying this IS a taunt and not an advice from a father because he only says these things when I slightly raise my voice to him being adamant on something I have to do.
When I mean "raise my voice", I don't yell or anything but just an irritated type of tone is what I mean.

On another occasion, he started the same taunt when I said "I do NOT want to eat" when he started to insist that I should eat more of a lunch item that mom had prepared when they came to see me at my place for five months. He kept insisting on the food and I got irritated so I just said "No". I mean I was getting frustrated when he insisted on me eating more when I had enough of it.
To my "No", my mom jumped in and told my father "Good, you should not have forced her to eat in the first place so good she told No sternly" and hearing the same, he started telling "This is the way you speak in front of your office colleagues and that gets you fired".

Wha! What does he even think about himself? Seriously, I am done talking with him since he kept broaching that topic up. He is still at my place and I do not maintain proper communication with him. I can't if it doesn't come from my heart.

I wanted to also touch base on another fact 12 years back at 18 years of my age. I was at home and so was my dad. I had gone to the washroom. In a few moments and surprisingly enough, the washroom started shaking!! It was an earthquake! And a big one at least based on how the tremors felt.
Now what happened after this is that I could hear my dad shouting "Come out of the washroom we have to go downstairs".
I was doing number two and couldn't not come right then and there. I said I am coming in two minutes. Can't even believe he actually told me then that he is proceeding to the elevators himself and in fact, he actually left the apartment in 16th floor and proceeded to go downstairs via elevators.
As soon as I came out of the apartment, I was surprised to see he did not wait for me!! What if the building had collapsed? I am sure when I got out of the apartment, I got my pet parrot with me (just in case, the building indeed collapsed).
I was just 18 years at that time so I started giving him the benefit of the doubt trying to give no importance to it all but the fact is he acted very selfish at that time.

I think the combination of these all, his earthquake behavior and then these taunts together can't be taken anymore.

Basically with these taunts, I think he is trying to tell me to tone down or else he will keep taunting me about a thing that hurts me so much.
Although what really is happening here is that he thinks in his mind that it was just MY fault in that firing three years back because of my general nature and he has told me this numerous times in the past that it seems to have been my mistake. He has no idea how devastated it felt to have been fired for the first time.

My dad needs to know that TIME has passed since that incident and that I have been holding other higher titled jobs since that incident so he has no right to keep taunting me and basically reminding me of that incident over and over and over. Each and every employment problem (even current ones) I innocently share with them and he taunts me for that!
Even if he is my guest at apartment, I am leaving him alone to his own devices - my mom is obviously there with him to give company.
He is free to stay, eat, sleep, exercise and watch TV but besides that I cannot put up a facade and talk to him when that is not coming from my heart. I do not talk to him to avoid confrontations altogether.
My only issue is that I am a guilty woman in general i.e I feel guilty all the time even for little things I have done wrong.
I just do not want to feel guilt of this behavior of mine toward him in future especially since he is growing old but I cannot talk to him as well since I am not an artificial person and cannot put up a facade just for the sake of talking.

I would love opinions on whether I am doing the right thing or not.

Last edited by tina981; August 31st, 2013 at 09:04 AM.
Reply With Quote
  #2  
Old August 31st, 2013, 09:37 AM
LucyVanPelt's Avatar
LucyVanPelt LucyVanPelt is offline
Moderator
 
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 9,572
LucyVanPelt has a reputation beyond reputeLucyVanPelt has a reputation beyond reputeLucyVanPelt has a reputation beyond reputeLucyVanPelt has a reputation beyond reputeLucyVanPelt has a reputation beyond reputeLucyVanPelt has a reputation beyond repute
Re: Dad Issues

Distancing yourself from your father is a good thing to do, even if it means limited communication when he is in your home. He seems to have somehow taken your bad experience and made it a reflection of his ego.

The best advice I have for you is to first address this issue with him directly. Tell him, "Dad, I love you, and it hurts me that you keep bringing this bad event up. It's over. If you continue to bring it up, I will have to end the conversation with you."

Then, if he brings it up, say politely but firmly, "This conversation is over. I'll talk to you again later." Then leave the room or hang up the phone.

Either he will get over it, or he'll stop talking to you. Either way, it's his behavior to control. You only get to decide if you're going to take it or not.
Reply With Quote
  #3  
Old August 31st, 2013, 09:40 AM
snafu's Avatar
snafu snafu is offline
future crazy cat lady
 
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: Mid-west
Posts: 10,137
snafu has a reputation beyond reputesnafu has a reputation beyond reputesnafu has a reputation beyond reputesnafu has a reputation beyond repute
Re: Dad Issues

Culture may play a part in it too - as well as age -

My dad was from the "children should be seen, not heard" mindset and .... he wasn't really interested in his children (us), other than how their (our) accomplishments reflected on him.
Reply With Quote
  #4  
Old August 31st, 2013, 12:25 PM
tina981 tina981 is offline
Junior Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 5
tina981 is on a distinguished road
Re: Dad Issues

Quote:
Originally Posted by LucyVanPelt View Post
Distancing yourself from your father is a good thing to do, even if it means limited communication when he is in your home. He seems to have somehow taken your bad experience and made it a reflection of his ego.

The best advice I have for you is to first address this issue with him directly. Tell him, "Dad, I love you, and it hurts me that you keep bringing this bad event up. It's over. If you continue to bring it up, I will have to end the conversation with you."

Then, if he brings it up, say politely but firmly, "This conversation is over. I'll talk to you again later." Then leave the room or hang up the phone.

Either he will get over it, or he'll stop talking to you. Either way, it's his behavior to control. You only get to decide if you're going to take it or not.

Thank you very much for your reply! Actually I did let him know prior that his behavior hurts me. Just some days prior to that peak day when he blew it, he had taunted me very similarly and I instantly pointed it to him that I am not liking it how he connects everything to my work.

He does not understand how bad I felt when he did not attempt to 'save' me or rather not wait for me in the earthquake situation.
On top of that, he keeps getting EXTREMELY jealous if I or my brother talks more to my mother or give her more attention than to him. He continuously made me feel guilty for inviting my mom for going to shopping and for talking to her on the phone more than with him. I am a girl and being close to my mom is common at best - but he does not understand that!
Now he is a guest at my apartment but all these years till the recent past, invariably, he would keep telling me EACH AND EVERY TIME I ask him to hand over the phone to my mom that "I only ask for my mom and do not ask for him".

I think I will follow your advice by saying I love him and that it hurts when he says these things - this will be my third attempt but I guess after that, I will just give up.
Reply With Quote
  #5  
Old August 31st, 2013, 12:31 PM
snafu's Avatar
snafu snafu is offline
future crazy cat lady
 
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: Mid-west
Posts: 10,137
snafu has a reputation beyond reputesnafu has a reputation beyond reputesnafu has a reputation beyond reputesnafu has a reputation beyond repute
Re: Dad Issues

Tine - could you tell him that you want to engage in "girl talk" with your mom?
Reply With Quote
  #6  
Old August 31st, 2013, 12:51 PM
tina981 tina981 is offline
Junior Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 5
tina981 is on a distinguished road
Re: Dad Issues

Quote:
Originally Posted by snafu View Post
Culture may play a part in it too - as well as age -

My dad was from the "children should be seen, not heard" mindset and .... he wasn't really interested in his children (us), other than how their (our) accomplishments reflected on him.
Hi, Thank you so much for your reply!

Yes, but I have been doing good jobs since then so why should he think I havent accomplished anything yet.
But who knows..He might be of that cultural mindset.
Reply With Quote
  #7  
Old August 31st, 2013, 12:57 PM
tina981 tina981 is offline
Junior Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 5
tina981 is on a distinguished road
Re: Dad Issues

Quote:
Originally Posted by snafu View Post
Tine - could you tell him that you want to engage in "girl talk" with your mom?
Sure, I have explained this to him before too that I want to talk to my mom because it is girl to girl talk. I have told this to him may be 4 times now. Till date, (except these days when he is here in this apartment), he tells me he prefers him to be included in almost every shopping trip or trip anywhere where ever mom is included.
Actually, this act of jealously when I go out with her has nothing to do with me and has to do with my mom of whom he is jealous -is what my mom believes as well - and I cannot agree more - as I have seen him behave that way forever. I think it is best I stay a bit away from him by not engaging in conversations- as that will keep me from again getting emotionally hurt.
Reply With Quote
  #8  
Old August 31st, 2013, 04:28 PM
snafu's Avatar
snafu snafu is offline
future crazy cat lady
 
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: Mid-west
Posts: 10,137
snafu has a reputation beyond reputesnafu has a reputation beyond reputesnafu has a reputation beyond reputesnafu has a reputation beyond repute
Re: Dad Issues

I don't know your dad ...

in my field it takes 10 (or more) positives to each negative to = higher self esteem ...

(and you had a failure that he's still trying to trying to control/fix)

could be he's the type that like to get a reaction ... a'la my dad ... after I had all my wisdom teeth pulled he wanted to take pictures of me with my face swollen (it was about him, don't ya know ... he didn't "get" it that no 20-21 yr old wants pics like that ... dad was rather self-absorbed to this day I don't know if he was deliberatly being a ____ or really didn't understand - he was an attention @#$#)
Reply With Quote
Reply

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Forum Jump


All times are GMT -7. The time now is 11:57 AM.


Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.7.3
Copyright ©2000 - 2019, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.
Copyright 2007, The BlueSparks Network