My husband had an affair that resulted in a baby

[heartbroken6]

My husband of 26 years with whom I have 4 children had a 2 month affair 12 years ago that resulted in a child. He had wanted her to have an abortion and told her if she had it he wouldn't be there for the child. The woman who was 16 years younger than my husband had the child. My husband has child support taken out of his paycheck but Until about a year ago my husband had no direct contact with the child or mother but they live in my husbands hometown where his younger brother still lives So about a year ago she started contacting my husband wanting him to be involved in the child's life at first he just try to avoid the issue. She has been married since the child was an infant and now also has 2 more children. We figured the child had a father. But she kept pressureing him and they started talking on the phone. I know my husband feels obligated because he never new his real father. He started talking about making trips to visit I hated the idea put knew I had to let him or he would hate me. So I expect him to go visit every couple months. I made it clear that I couldn't live with or raise the child. Well now last week my husband who is a traveling construction worker took a job 50 miles from child so he can be near his son. I'm so torn up by this. Our youngest daughter graduates in 2 weeks. So he feels our kids are grown so he needs to focus on his other son. I'm lost my kids are now grown and I feel I'm loosing my husband and all our future plans of traveling together after the kids all graduated. My husband says he only loves me and I believe him He also wants me to be part of the child's life as well but I'm just not sure that I can handle it and but if I don't accept the child I may lose him I could deal with him making occasional visits but can't deal with him living with the child. I'm heartbroken

[Catwoman]

Its a tough one and you are very nice to try to accommodate him where you can,but the reality is that hes the one that had the affair,and now hes expecting you to be understanding?.Of course its not the child's fault but I think how you feel is quite understandable really. Most woman would have given up and broken the relationship off if their husband had cheated.

The only thing you can do is tell him what you are willing to tolerate and what you are not. After all hes has to remember he created this mess in the first place. I think he should be more considerate you.

[LucyVanPelt]

I'm very sorry for your struggle. There is no easy-fix for this.

He's making a serious commitment to this son and that is actually commendable. The problem is that it places a burden on your marriage. I suspect neither of you dealt with the underlying cause of the cheating, and now you have this additional burden. Please go to a pro-marriage marriage counselor, even if you have to go by yourself.

[KayKay]

Also, I just want to add to be gentle on yourself. This Empty Nest thing is a big adjustment which messes with our emotions. You are allowed to be upset that your life plans aren't working out the way you hoped. Just work towards acceptance.

[Knot2loud]

I hope more husbands read this thread. To many times I hear of some husband having an affair, getting the woman pregnant which then causes stress on a marriage for the next 21 or so years.

Sorry for your dilemma. Unfortunately it's there and it's not going to go away. Somewhere along the line you're going to have to find a comfort zone for yourself that will allow you to cope with the situation. Counseling would be a great help.

I do have to commend you - even though it doesn't help - for staying with the jerk.

I wish you the best.

[Swiss140]

Hi heartbroken6

It sounds like you are in a tough spot, I commend you for staying with your husband through this.

I would like a little clarification about why you don't want anything to do with his son, is it because the boy came from the affair? I don't mean to sound harsh here but it is not the boys fault and like it or not he is the brother to your other kids.

[maniajee]

IT's very sad to hear it I think you need to compromise at it..