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Old May 29th, 2014, 11:02 AM
cali88 cali88 is offline
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Unhappy In-laws taking all our vacation time

The background--- I am fortunate to have (future) in-laws that are welcoming and genuinely good people. Yet, my relationship with them is, nonetheless, strained. My mother-in-law and sister-in-law are extremely competitive with me for my partner’s attention. My in-laws would like their family relations to remain unchanged and they have a lot of difficulty with accommodating another person in their tight-knit circle.

Of course, his entire family wants holidays and family get-togethers to be how it “used to” be. Over the past two years, I have gone on two extended vacations with his family. On each trip, I felt like his family was not respecting our boundaries and made out-right rude comments to me (regarding my family, my career, our relationship). It has become very difficult for me to gracefully handle their get-togethers.

During the next year, my partner and I will be living in different states. It is going to be very difficult for us, but he is completely a training program with his company and I am going to graduate school. We both wish to pursue our individual goals and will be making every effort to see each other once a month.

The problem--- My in-laws would like my partner to attend a 10-14 day trip abroad with them to celebrate his father’s 60th. I am also invited. I would normally make efforts for us to attend, but with some slight adjustments after learning from experience (separate accommodations, built in couple’s time, and perhaps a slightly shorter stay).

However, this year we NEED that vacation time to maintain our relationship across state lines. I most likely would not be able to attend due to my school schedule. I understand a 60th birthday is a milestone and anyone would like their son to be there. But leaving the country for this celebration will take up all his vacation time and a significant amount of money we can’t spare.

I am not sure how to handle this or how to express these concerns to the in-laws. I know a 60th birthday “only happens once.” Yet, it seems that every family get-together is always a “once in a life time event,” where very little compromise can be made.
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Old May 29th, 2014, 11:49 AM
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KayKay KayKay is offline
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Re: In-laws taking all our vacation time

IMO, your partner has to be the one to decide what to do about this. If it were me in your shoes, I'd tell him how I felt -- without making it a "choose me or them" conversation -- and sit back and watch how he handles it. This is important for your future, because life will be full of milestones.

Your partner will need to be the one handling things with your future in-laws. I think this is one place where new daughters-in-law make mistakes; I know I made a huge mistake there 23-some odd years ago when I was newly married. I wanted very much to get along with my mother-in-law and stupidly stepped into the role of maintaining my husband's relationship with his family for him. It eventually got to a point where she was asking more than we could give (and she wasn't even being unreasonable - she just got used to me accommodating her and asked for a little more, a little more) and having to start saying no was painful for all of us.

My point is... let your partner deal with it and pay close attention to where his priorities are. The good news is that you get to decide if it's something you can accept.
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Old May 29th, 2014, 12:41 PM
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Re: In-laws taking all our vacation time

Quote:
...a 60th birthday is a milestone...
It's more than a mile... I'm not quite there yet and it feels like a triathlon at times.
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Old May 31st, 2014, 05:39 PM
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Re: In-laws taking all our vacation time

(((hugs)))


sorry I don't have any words of wisdom
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Old June 1st, 2014, 07:42 AM
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Re: In-laws taking all our vacation time

Quote:
Originally Posted by KayKay View Post
IMO, your partner has to be the one to decide what to do about this. If it were me in your shoes, I'd tell him how I felt -- without making it a "choose me or them" conversation -- and sit back and watch how he handles it. This is important for your future, because life will be full of milestones.

...

My point is... let your partner deal with it and pay close attention to where his priorities are. The good news is that you get to decide if it's something you can accept.
This is it. Your DH has to handle this. When we marry, our marriage must come before everything else. If we aren't prepared to make that level of commitment, then we aren't ready to be married.
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Old June 18th, 2014, 11:10 AM
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Re: In-laws taking all our vacation time

Quote:
Originally Posted by cali88 View Post
The background--- I am fortunate to have (future) in-laws that are welcoming and genuinely good people. Yet, my relationship with them is, nonetheless, strained. My mother-in-law and sister-in-law are extremely competitive with me for my partner’s attention. My in-laws would like their family relations to remain unchanged and they have a lot of difficulty with accommodating another person in their tight-knit circle.

Of course, his entire family wants holidays and family get-togethers to be how it “used to” be. Over the past two years, I have gone on two extended vacations with his family. On each trip, I felt like his family was not respecting our boundaries and made out-right rude comments to me (regarding my family, my career, our relationship). It has become very difficult for me to gracefully handle their get-togethers.

During the next year, my partner and I will be living in different states. It is going to be very difficult for us, but he is completely a training program with his company and I am going to graduate school. We both wish to pursue our individual goals and will be making every effort to see each other once a month.

The problem--- My in-laws would like my partner to attend a 10-14 day trip abroad with them to celebrate his father’s 60th. I am also invited. I would normally make efforts for us to attend, but with some slight adjustments after learning from experience (separate accommodations, built in couple’s time, and perhaps a slightly shorter stay).

However, this year we NEED that vacation time to maintain our relationship across state lines. I most likely would not be able to attend due to my school schedule. I understand a 60th birthday is a milestone and anyone would like their son to be there. But leaving the country for this celebration will take up all his vacation time and a significant amount of money we can’t spare.

I am not sure how to handle this or how to express these concerns to the in-laws. I know a 60th birthday “only happens once.” Yet, it seems that every family get-together is always a “once in a life time event,” where very little compromise can be made.
I'm not going to read any one else's reply, but respond to this on my own..

First off, it is not your responsiblity to deal with his parents, it is his....
He must be the one to tell them no, and he must discuss this with you first, and you both, together must decide what to do. That is the only way to do this....you both have to agree and then it's up to him. YOU ARE HIS COMPANION, not them and they need to learn that. Sounds to me, like you two have given a lot up to accomodate their needs...it's not supposed to be that way.

I hope you and your partner can work this out, but if you tell them no, they will be very hurt and eventaully angry with you, it has to be him and he has to get across to them, that you two need your own time, that if you both so choose, you will spend some vacation time with them, but they cannot have it all....same with Holidays and such.

Good luck
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