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Old September 14th, 2013, 12:21 PM
campfirefly campfirefly is offline
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After six years, he tells me he is not divorced...

Yup. I am a well-educated, fairly bright individual (or so I thought). I met "Mike" online, dated him for two years before moving my 14 year old son and myself an hour away from our home of twelve years to live with he and his two boys. Although I did keep my home and job for one year, just to be sure the blending worked out, I have since sold my home, got a new job and put a $100,000 addition on his house with nothing more than a gentlemen's contract and a life insurance policy, just in case.

When we moved in, my son was very angry. Having been widowed when he was just three years old, I truly felt that the blend would be good for him. It took 1.5 years to adjust (new school, new community, new house...), but my son now calls "Mike's" sons his step-brothers and their cousins are now his cousins. My son likes and trusts "Mike."

In hindsight there were a few warning signs. "Mike's" ex is always asking for additional funds, and, although she does not work, "Mike" is quick, although cranky, to comply. When we talked about moving in together, "Mike" said that the court would not let him move out of state, so we moved here.

I love "Mike." I totally trusted him. My son has merged himself into "Mike's" family.

While purchasing a house together (to bring down his expenses so that he can afford both his "ex" wife and boys' college education), the loan officer asked for a copy of "Mike's" divorce decree. "Mike" took me for a walk and said, "I have a big pill to swallow, there is no divorce decree."

Dating, never mind living with, never mind investing in a home that is half her's, is against my values and my best judgement. I would not have done any of these things.

He knows he has broken my heart. I know I should leave, BUT this is a nice guy in every other regard, as my friends have said, if he can keep that kind of a secret, are there any honest guys left. Should I stay with the devil I know and love, for me and my son, or should I terminate? Thoughts?
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Old September 14th, 2013, 01:31 PM
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Mrs X Mrs X is offline
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Re: After six years, he tells me he is not divorced...

Hi Campfly, i'm really sorry about this sounds horrible.

Things to ponder, you certainly don't have to answer them here.

a. Is he a habitual lier?

b. Is there anything else that is really matters if he lied to you about? - Education, other relationships etc?

c. Is he happy to get divorced if that is what you want?

d. Would it have made a difference if you knew in the first place? (Your answer won't change the "now" but it may help you with which way to jump).
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Old September 14th, 2013, 02:11 PM
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snafu snafu is offline
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Re: After six years, he tells me he is not divorced...

My question is whose name(s) is/are on the title of the house you live in ... what happens if (heaven forbid) he passes away?

What happens if his "ex" files for divorce ... what combined property of yours could be considered martial assests?


I tend to see some things in black & white ... for me personally ... I'd never be able to trust him - he mis-represented himself for how long?


I'm also the type to wonder what else he's been dishonest about (could be he's a user/player)
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Old September 14th, 2013, 04:39 PM
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Re: After six years, he tells me he is not divorced...

Why are they not divorced? And why did he lie about it?

It doesn't seem to me like he was "married" to her in reality. You were living with him, and you and your son were becoming part of his family (sons and cousins). I'm sure his "ex" knew there was an addition being put on "her" home. I mean, I realize he was not divorced, but he certainly wasn't acting married either. I'd just like to know the rationale for the divorce not being filed.
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Last edited by KayKay; September 14th, 2013 at 04:43 PM.
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Old September 14th, 2013, 05:23 PM
campfirefly campfirefly is offline
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Re: After six years, he tells me he is not divorced...

Mrs. X - thank you for your thoughts...here are my replies...

a. Is he a habitual lier?

Honestly, I don't know. I totally trusted him. This is one whopper of a lie.

b. Is there anything else that is really matters if he lied to you about? - Education, other relationships etc?

Other relationships.

c. Is he happy to get divorced if that is what you want?

He said he started to proceedings...he said he was trying to do it in secret so the lie wouldn't matter anymore. The thing is that I've been with him for six years. Why now?

d. Would it have made a difference if you knew in the first place? (Your answer won't change the "now" but it may help you with which way to jump).

Absolutely - if it was on his profile, I would have skipped over him. If he told me in the first couple of date, I would have said call me when it's final. If he told me before I moved here, I would not have. And the biggest time was investing in his house, I would not have done this.

Very good questions!


snafu,

My question is whose name(s) is/are on the title of the house you live in ... what happens if (heaven forbid) he passes away?

His, I have a life insurance policy on him for the amount of the investment...just in case

What happens if his "ex" files for divorce ... what combined property of yours could be considered martial assests?

YES!! I am so pissed about this!

I tend to see some things in black & white ... for me personally ... I'd never be able to trust him - he mis-represented himself for how long?

SIX YEARS!

I'm also the type to wonder what else he's been dishonest about (could be he's a user/player)

I am wondering the same thing. A friend just gave me a name of a PI that she has used with very good result. I feel torn about doing it, but I need to know where I stand.

Thank you for your thoughts!

KayKay,

Also, good questions. He said it is because at first the break-up was too painful, he couldn't deal with the legal issues. Then is was about the money, she wanted more than he was willing to pay. She has been living with her "new" lover for the past eight years (or so he said). Yes, we look and act like a family. When he told me, he also told me that his parents know, his brother knows, all his friends know...supposedly, they opted to "protect" me and keep his secret. Good friends he has.
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Old September 14th, 2013, 06:15 PM
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Re: After six years, he tells me he is not divorced...

Quote:
Originally Posted by campfirefly View Post
He said it is because at first the break-up was too painful, he couldn't deal with the legal issues. Then is was about the money, she wanted more than he was willing to pay. She has been living with her "new" lover for the past eight years (or so he said). Yes, we look and act like a family. When he told me, he also told me that his parents know, his brother knows, all his friends know...supposedly, they opted to "protect" me and keep his secret. Good friends he has.
Ugh. I was hoping that there was a deportation issue or some inheritance or some kind of legal technicality that would be a reason to not get a divorce. But "the break-up was too painful? She wanted more than I could afford?" Yeah, right. That is weak. Why didn't SHE file a divorce?

I suggest hiring a lawyer to ascertain what your financial interest in their house would be, and move out. You might be able to recover some of that money through legal action, or at least get a promissory note.

I'm really sorry for your son though. I realize that he's grown close to Mike's family, but really you don't know what kind of people Mike and his family are after all. I'm just stunned that this secret would go on undetected for six years.
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Old September 16th, 2013, 10:27 AM
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Re: After six years, he tells me he is not divorced...

I wonder why, in this day and age, a man would NOT tell the woman he is having a serious - very serious relationship with that he has NOT divorced his legal wife yet? Especially after six years? Is he a user?

I have no idea what his problem is... That's just weird.
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Old September 19th, 2013, 01:41 AM
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Re: After six years, he tells me he is not divorced...

Hmm...this is really a difficult one. I think most women would not go for a man while he is still legally married, so perhaps from his perspective, this divorce was a quick and easy way to get you interested in the first place. And perhaps over time as his feelings grew, he just couldn't manage to tell you.

As bad as this is, do not judge him too harshly if it's a once off lie. But get him to divorce her asap. He probably did not tell you because he feared losing you.
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Old September 27th, 2013, 06:01 PM
campfirefly campfirefly is offline
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Re: After six years, he tells me he is not divorced...

dawris,

This is what he claims. That he was not getting any response to his online profile when he stated he was "separated" (which as it turns out is not the case either). He said he opted to change his profile to "divorced" because he thought it would help him to at least communicate with women. I, honestly, would not have responded. I understand your thoughts and I'm trying to believe this is the case, but right now, I am feel used--for sex, for money, for comfort.

Knot2land,

I hope this is not the case, but right now--today--I am angry. I feel like he has been very selfish and self-centered. And, once a liar (especially on this super-size me deception), always a liar in my book.

I'm trying to take some time to process, but right now I am feeling very ready to leave. The stress of this news coupled with having to hear about and deal with his stress regarding the actual divorce...I didn't sign up for this.

On the other hand, I feel it will be in my best interest to stay until the house is sold, just to keep close to my investment.

UGH! I know there are much worse situations that I could encounter.
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Old September 27th, 2013, 07:22 PM
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Re: After six years, he tells me he is not divorced...

(((hugs)))
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