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  #11  
Old April 13th, 2016, 12:53 PM
Catwoman Catwoman is offline
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Re: My wife of thirteen years had her second affair How do i know if i still love her

Good luck with your new life.

The world is your oyster now.The other way of looking at dating even if you aren't really interested,is that it just highlights the fact you are worth other people knowing you and vice versa.It doesn't mean you must get involved again quickly if you don't want to.Even just meeting someone to go to the movies or for dinner and getting dressed up and going just to talking to someone new is invigorating after leaving a bad situation.It can actually make you feel good about yourself again,if you don't already.

Some of us have been through this and I can say that after leaving a bad situation I felt it was nice to meet men who spoke to me respectfully and we just had a lovely night out.I focused on the conversation and the fact that there were actually nice people out there,even if you don't get involved with them.You can make new friends this way even.

Just do what you feel comfortable with doing.Experiencing new connections does you the world of good,its amazing how it can make you feel.Going out for the night doesn't mean you have to or will take it further.Lots of women don't expect that it will either.

Just my experience.Best of luck
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  #12  
Old April 18th, 2016, 11:36 AM
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Cremebrulee Cremebrulee is offline
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Re: My wife of thirteen years had her second affair How do i know if i still love her

I am so sorry you are experiencing this kind of pain, it is awful...empty and lonely...however, it is as in all things, part of life....take as much time as you need to morn...and it is different for everyone...but I wouldn't date yet and I'll tell you why.

You aren't ready to date, b/c first before you bring someone else into your life, you have to find yourself first, and figure out, why it is you allowed someone to treat you so badly. Why did you chose someone who was unable to be loyal to you?

I'm not trying to be mean to you, b/c I went thru the very same thing, and realized, with the help of counseling and my own personal soul searching, why I chose to be with people that I didn't deserve. No one deserves to be treated like that...plus, it's self destructive to continue with someone like that.

Counseling would be your best road to finding out the answers to a lot of questions, and one thing you shouldn't do is blame her. She gave you the only life she was able to give you. Mentally she was not compatible with you. She was b/c of the way she was probably raised, unable to be loyal to anyone, including herself.

You can't help her, but what you can do is help yourself, so you never ever pick another woman like her...and that is why you have to go thru the process of self examination. To figure out why you would accept so little.

Maybe b/c you had a parent like her...maybe because you are not very confident, maybe b/c at some point in your life, you didn't like yourself much and felt this life is all you deserve, maybe all those reasons and more, but you've got to figure you out.

That is the only way, you will be able to chose a partner who will take great care for your heart.

This may take a long time....I remember the empty feeling when I left...it was in a lot of ways, like a death....the death of a marriage, and a huge investment, both physically and mentally.

I thought I had to have someone in my life so badly, that would give me purpose, structure, and fulfillment. But, I was wrong....no one, but no one could give me that but myself.

You have to figure out, who you are, what you want out of life. What are your dreams, desires, and what do you wish to accomplish. Once you learn to know and love yourself, you will then be mentally available to date. But not until then.

But be very careful, you don't chose another like her...b/c it is a pattern...and you need to find out why you chose someone who was so careless with your lives. Once you do, you will be able to trust your intuition and choices once again.

Remember, if someone is unfaithful to herself, she can never be faithful to anyone else....if someone is unkind, they can never be kind to anyone else.

When your dating, listen with intent, study how she talks about others, how she talks about her parents....how she treats others....listen to those little red flags that go up.

But do not date until your ready....believe me, it's not just about you, but about the hearts of others....

Take great care of yourself and others.
Creme
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  #13  
Old May 8th, 2016, 10:36 PM
Gr3y Gr3y is offline
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Re: My wife of thirteen years had her second affair How do i know if i still love her

we are just seperated at the moment not sure if i want a divorce i am pretty sure i love her but at the same time this is the second time and it hurts so bad it is getting better but still have some really bad days when i struggle.
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Old May 8th, 2016, 11:12 PM
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KayKay KayKay is offline
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Re: My wife of thirteen years had her second affair How do i know if i still love her

I'm so sorry, Gr3y.

How are you handling the kids? Are you getting to see them?
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  #15  
Old May 9th, 2016, 08:23 AM
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LucyVanPelt LucyVanPelt is offline
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Re: My wife of thirteen years had her second affair How do i know if i still love her

Quote:
Originally Posted by Gr3y View Post
we are just seperated at the moment not sure if i want a divorce i am pretty sure i love her but at the same time this is the second time and it hurts so bad it is getting better but still have some really bad days when i struggle.
I'm very sorry for your pain.

You don't have to make any decisions right now. Take your time. Be patient with yourself while you heal. After you have worked through the hurt, an answer will come to you.

Is she working on improving the relationship with you? How are you managing the children?
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  #16  
Old May 24th, 2016, 12:00 AM
tksugar198 tksugar198 is offline
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Re: My wife of thirteen years had her second affair How do i know if i still love her

Sorry to hear that you went through a lot of pain.

Your wife seems to enjoy doing those things, knowing that you still love her enough to give her lots of chances. But it IS taking its toll on you.

Love is something that you have been doing for her for a long time. Did you think at least for a second if she still loves you?

She has hurt you countless times. I am sure you have talked things over with her about her affairs. I am sure you want to stay together despite everything that has happened. But at least for me, going through needless pain just because I love someone is not worth it sometimes.

Trust me, I have been in a cycle of loving too much too and I only ended up hurting myself, and my self-worth at the same time. It had been a good 3 years, and leaving him was the best decision I have ever made. It became clear that the guy was only enjoying my own torment because he knew I still loved him while he goes off having his own happiness where it didn't include me at all.

We do have 2 kids. I thought to myself if I also wanted my children to see everything their father had done to me, that it's okay to hurt people because the person knows you still love them. And it's not okay. You don't willingly hurt people and expect that they'll still care and love you. It has a breaking point.

I do hope you find your peace, may it be through counsel from your friends, family, marriage counsellor - whoever else you feel very secure and comfortable sharing your problems. And I do hope you find peace with your wife and your feelings after this trying time.
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  #17  
Old May 25th, 2016, 05:49 PM
Catwoman Catwoman is offline
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Re: My wife of thirteen years had her second affair How do i know if i still love her

Time does heal and its hard to separate from someone we love. Its amazing how a bit of time apart can help you to see things in a different light. From experience,when someone keeps treating us badly I know that no amount of love or chances can change them or what they do. Sometimes we just have to do what is right,not what our heart tells us,and sometimes that is to run straight back to that person are away from.The best thing to do is keep away from them,dont have anything to do with them,only see them when picking up and dropping of children. Time does heal,we just have to be patient.

I left someone that was really bad for me and hurt me no end,I was with him many years too,but now I cant imagine even being with him,as I eventually met someone new,remarried and had 2 kids...my new life started when I met my new man 3 years after I left my first husband....which I never imagined would happen. I just decided I was worth more than the person I left valued me.

All the best...you can do this
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  #18  
Old June 2nd, 2016, 04:48 AM
Gr3y Gr3y is offline
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Re: My wife of thirteen years had her second affair How do i know if i still love her

well we split up its been six months still no divorce but i see it coming soon maybe. the kids chose to come with me we let them chose. i still am not dating alittle gun shy talked to someone for a bit but too scared to move forward.
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  #19  
Old June 2nd, 2016, 05:08 AM
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Re: My wife of thirteen years had her second affair How do i know if i still love her

Sometimes you just have to accept things as they are and move on with your life. Your ex is in the picture because of the children - that's going to last a lifetime and there's no way around that. Now you're focusing on yourself, being a single parent, and your children (however old they are). The dating thing will happen eventually - no point in rushing it. There's plenty of women out there - the problem is trying to find one that doesn't have issues.

I wish you the best.
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