Mother Wasting Away

[drwholover83]

Hi everyone.

I have an issue I need advice on from others who don’t personally know my family. It seems I find the best help on forums like these
I’m a Junior in High School, my mother is 48 and going through menopause.
I’m not really sure how to start this off, but I’ll try to make it flow smoothly:

When this started, I’m not exactly sure, but I feel like it’s been this way for a few months. My mother has started to not care about life at all, it seems. She let’s herself waste away, day after day, on the couch of our home. About a little more than a year ago, she’s started working from home on her conputer for a loan servicing company (she’s been with them for about a decade). Now that she’s home all the time, she does nothing. And when she’s not working, she’s shopping on Amazon, playing on apps, playing on our Xbox, watching TV shows. I kid you not, she doesn’t move from that couch. Messes build up to the point where I have to clean up after her, her laundry never gets done so she wears filthy clothes constantly, my step-dad is always having to go pick up dinner somewhere since she never cooks anymore, it takes her about a week to even take a shower, and she complains anout being overweight 24/7 when she never even takes the effort to change that while she eats Pirate Booty and chips & dip all day long as well as her bottle of wine a night. As a 16 year old, I already feel like I’ll have to change her diapers soon, too. It’s pathetic and dissappointing. Not to mention that whenever I play a video game, she has to get into it, too. She stays on video games until the wee hours of the morning, and sleeps in until 12 in the afternoon. I don’t think she understands that I want a functioning mother, not a 48 year old best friend. I may sound like a “disrespectful teenager” in this post, but frankly, I’m very kind to her and don’t put her down. This has been bottled up for so long, and I’m going to burst.
My mother and father were never married, even when I popped up in her belly. Ever since I was 2, I’ve gone back and forth between their houses. Both are remarried, I have a little half brother on my dad’s side, and I’m an only child for my mom. Whenever I come home from my dad’s house, the dirty dishes are literally piled up so high, they touch our cabinets. I end up doing 3 loads in a day, along with the loads of home-work I have from my AP classes. She’ll pay me to do her laundry for her as she sits on her *** all day doing nothing at all.
She has depression, anxiety, and ADHD
I don’t know what to do. No one has advice for this.

Thanks for any help.

[KayKay]

I'm so sorry to hear about this. It's terrible.

You're right - there isn't really any advice about this. Your mother needs help, but she needs to be the one to seek it out. Between you and your stepdad, she should lovingly be told that you're worried about her, maybe she should see a doctor, etc. She may be having medical issues - some hormone imbalance things that come along with menopause can be a bear - so that would be the first thing I'd ask her to do. If she goes, you can call the doctor's office ahead of time and tell them what you have told us.

Other than that... this is hard to say. Take care of yourself first. You are 16, you have your whole life ahead of you. You are at an age where you should be worried about prom and college applications, not your mother's mental well-being. Become a little bit selfish. Spend more time at your dad's, and let the dishes pile up at your mom's house while you study for your AP exams. When you are home, don't sit on the couch with your mom playing video games. Sit at the kitchen table to eat, or study or whatever. Maybe she'll eventually get up from the couch to join you.

Good luck. Focus on your future, don't worry about your mom. Right now she has your stepdad to take care of her, and she is only 48. She can still take care of herself. Don't let her hold you back.

[drwholover83]

Originally Posted by KayKay

I'm so sorry to hear about this. It's terrible.

You're right - there isn't really any advice about this. Your mother needs help, but she needs to be the one to seek it out. Between you and your stepdad, she should lovingly be told that you're worried about her, maybe she should see a doctor, etc. She may be having medical issues - some hormone imbalance things that come along with menopause can be a bear - so that would be the first thing I'd ask her to do. If she goes, you can call the doctor's office ahead of time and tell them what you have told us.

Other than that... this is hard to say. Take care of yourself first. You are 16, you have your whole life ahead of you. You are at an age where you should be worried about prom and college applications, not your mother's mental well-being. Become a little bit selfish. Spend more time at your dad's, and let the dishes pile up at your mom's house while you study for your AP exams. When you are home, don't sit on the couch with your mom playing video games. Sit at the kitchen table to eat, or study or whatever. Maybe she'll eventually get up from the couch to join you.

Good luck. Focus on your future, don't worry about your mom. Right now she has your stepdad to take care of her, and she is only 48. She can still take care of herself. Don't let her hold you back.

Thank you for all of your advice... I’ll try out your suggestions.

I feel responsible as her child for her wellbeing, and to take care of her once she ages. I didn’t imagine that time would come before she was even elderly. I’ve had talks with my stepfather, and he’s told me that he’s given up. He’d rather do everything himself than argue with her about how lazy and irresposible she is.
It feels pathetic, and quite annoying.
I know I have responsibilities and chores to do as a part of her household, but I feel disrespected when she leaves trash and piles of dishes around for me to pick up, when she’s fully capable of taking 2 minutes of her life to walk to the kitchen and clean them up herself. I suppose that her iPad is more important.
She has a psychologist she sees weekly, as do I, but less frequently. She’s told me before about how this psychologist says her behavior at her age with the menopause that she’s going through is normal. Although, “normal” does not mean that it’s OK. I don’t think she cares to see the difference.
There was a time where I stayed at my father’s for quite a while due to how I was being treated by her quite a while ago. I feel that it’s contributed to how she acts towards me now. According to my stepdad, when I was gone for that long, it was the worst he had ever seen her. I’m afraid to make this an even larger issue, and damage her further, unintentionally.

(I’m very unfamiliar with this forum, and I’m afraid I tapped a button when I was trying to reply to you. I hope it didn’t flag your post. Sorry!)

[KayKay]

I don't think you did, but if you did - No worries.

drwholover83, I'm a 55yo woman with a lot of middle aged female friends. I can wholeheartedly guarantee that what your mom is going through is NOT 'normal'. Either your mom isn't telling the psychologist the truth of what's happening at home (because maybe she doesn't see it for what it is) or your mom is not telling you the truth of what the psychologist says.

What I'm about to tell you is very, very important. You are NOT responsible for your mother's wellbeing. You are her child, not her parent. If your mom was legitimately disabled it would be understandable for you to feel that you are responsible, but menopause is NOT a disability. Your mom needs a giant wake-up call, but she has to hit rock bottom before she will get better. Any effort you and your stepdad spend preventing her from hitting rock bottom is, sadly, enabling her.

Does your school have a counselor? I'm glad you're seeing a psychologist, but I think you need better guidance about what your rights are. You are not being well-served living with your mom. You can't sacrifice your life because she is unwilling to seek help. That's not how parenthood works.

Have you told your dad about this? Honestly, if I were him I'd insist you live with me. If he pays her any form of child support, he deserves to know about this because she shouldn't have custody at all.

Talk to your dad, talk to your teachers, talk to the school counselor, talk to your doctor. Help is out there for you, and if you seek help, people will be alerted that she needs help too. That's really what is best for both of you.

Do you plan on going away for college?

[LucyVanPelt]

I have to second everything that KayKay wrote.

Your mother's behavior is not "normal" for a 48 year old woman going through menopause. She needs more medical and psychological support than a high school student can provide.

As her child, she is responsible for YOUR wellbeing. If she is not providing for you and relying on you to complete her responsibilities, then she is at least guilty of neglect. She is responsible for her own happiness; you have no power to do anything for her. But, the fact that you want to help her illustrates what a kind person you are. You are a good daughter who deserves better support.

You are maturing and learning to be independent will not damage her. Do not let your stepfather or your mother guilt you with that lie. She may have "been the worst" he's ever seen her when you left last time, but that's about her own wounds which she needs to heal. You didn't break her, and you can't fix her.

Definitely reach out to teachers, counselors, and your biological father. You need to be cared for, to have support in following your own path to college, continuing education, etc. The best thing you can to do honor your mother is to live an honorable life.

[snafu]

I'm thirding what kaykay said - I'm 52 & went thru early menopause (it got caught in time) and later went thru "normal" menopause ....