I need another opinion

[LucyVanPelt]

Originally Posted by JaydeeTas

He's never given me a reason. All I get is "Blended families don't work. What's in it for my son.... nothing."

This isn't about you or his ex-wife.

This is the whole issue. It does not matter if children are young and in the home, or adults doing their own things: you will still need to learn to blend your families. Imagine Christmases with grandchildren...

And at the very core of your relationship is his belief that your relationship can never work.

I don't like ultimatums, but this belief is a deal breaker. If he will not deal with that, then there is no "happily ever after" in the future. I'm sorry. You sound like a lovely person. You deserve better.

[JaydeeTas]

Thank you Anndsil and Lucy.

He denied his son for the first year of his life. I know he feels guilt for that and it's trying to make it up to him but, nothing he does will fill that void. My Partner lost his own father when he was 12. I understand and support the fact his son comes first.

My partner believes that when his son doesn't need him anymore than our relationship will move forward hence the car and license. We all know that children will always need us and be in our lives.

Friday nights are my nights to reflect on where my relationship is stalling as we are never together on this night. At last i know he's home.

Lucy, tonight i agree with you. It is all about my partner. I know i can't push him into anything nor do i want to. It is up to me to decide when enough is enough. Like most women, i dont want to admit it.

I appreciate your kind words and yes I've been punished for wanting to be with my partner. That's a first for me.

[snafu]

Jaydee -

Here's my two cents:

Pre marital counseling - unless the two of you can get on the same page about house rules/boundaries ... (((hugs))) I see a lot of heartache and frustration if you continue with this relationship

are the 16 yr olds on their own at 18 or do they have post-high school training/schooling? ( A lot of my advice will hinge on that)

Don't buy a house yet IF you think you can work things out - otherwise it will be "your" house rather than "our" house

[JaydeeTas]

Hi all. .. just an update.

After an in depth discussion my partnet has allowed me to be part of the boys life on the weekend. Yay!
He was scared that if he "forced" me onto them that they would refuse to come see him.

Now he is even talking about buying a home for the future which excites me as well.

Thank you for all your advice and support. I hope we keep heading in the right direction..

[KayKay]

Very happy to hear that, Jaydee! Thank you for the update. Bravo to you for having that discussion.

How have his boys reacted to your inclusion?

[JaydeeTas]

As expected they dont care. I was taking photos of them while playing soccer and they have posted them on their clubs page. They have put it under their family name so they either took the credit or i am accepted into the family. I do hope it is the second option.

[snafu]

Wishing you the best of luck & happiness.

[Cremebrulee]

Originally Posted by JaydeeTas

Hi all,

Thank you for taking the time to read.
I have been with my partner for a little over 3 years. we both have 2 boys each the exact age 16.

I have my 16 yr old 24/7. He has his son every weekend.

At the beginning of our relationship we both agreed to keep out families separate while we went through the courting stage.

3 months into it, I introduced my son. They got on like a house on fire. My children are very easy going and adaptable. They will go out without me even.

My partner however, kept his son away. This meant from Friday night to Sunday or Monday, I wouldn't see or hear from my partner. I found this very difficult as I love being with my partner and weekends are a time for leisure.

This became a constant argument for us and as a way of making things easier I moved next door to my partner.

After 3 years my partner is still not ready to live together, even though my partner stays with me 5-6 nights a week.

I see my partner on the weekends now (usually Saturday night as long as his son is out with friends) which is better, however, that barrier still exists.

Friday nights are the no go nights. He needs to spend time with his children alone..

*** Let me be clear, it's NOT the fact that he wants time alone with his son.I am ok with this. It's the "us and them" mindset that my partner has.

Even after his son goes to bed, he will not allow me next door to sleep in the same bed. we sleep in our own units.

He asked me to marry him on Christmas Eve, I said yes. I thought there was a sign he wanted to move forward. It wasn't. It still does not change the fact that he wants to keep me away from his children.

You might hear a bit of resentment from my words and I will be honest you're right. After 3 years and living next door to each other for 1.5 of those years, not rocking the boat and going along with what he wanted, you would think that we could at least attempt to being a family, even just for 1 night a week.

Right now we are on holidays and his son has come to his place so he has gone home to cook him lunch. Am I really asking too much for all of us to have lunch together?

Hi ex partner has a new partner, it is not like his son doesn't know who I am, we have crossed paths a number of times and he has always been pleasant towards me.

Am I being selfish? At times I feel like I am, but, then again, I am not asking him to not see his son, or to not see him alone. I just want to be a complete family... He believes that once his son has his license and car we will move forward. Could be 6 months, could be a year.

He is great to me. There is no reason to break up. I just want us to be in the one home and enjoying each others company, children included. I don't need to be everywhere he and his children are.

Talking to him only makes him feel pressured and he runs. How can I control this anxiety I feel. I just want to change myself and how I deal with this.

Personally I think HE is being selfish...this is a perfect example though, how completely different people are....
there also may be some underlying problem...I would suggest, you try and get him to go to counseling...with you, before you go any further into the relationship. You've already invested 3 years, to no avail...
This must be very frustrating....and to, perhaps he is trying to be extremely protective of this kids....doesn't want them to get hurt by a break up?
I'm just guessing but find this situation a bit much...and please believe, there is nothing your doing or feeling wrong. I just wouldn't go any further in the relationship, until you know for sure what is going on.

[PeeWeeMomOf3]

I also think a few sessions with a pre-marital counselor would help, because life has a way of getting complicated and stressful and you want to make sure you're both on the same page as you blend your family and move closer to marriage and getting a home together.

Glad you had that talk.