Go Back   Friends and Family Forum > The Friend Forum > Other friendships

Other friendships Best friends, ex-friends, or any other friends

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #1  
Old April 24th, 2008, 11:43 AM
madcap73 madcap73 is offline
Junior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2008
Posts: 5
madcap73 is on a distinguished road
friend?

Hello all,

This is my first post. I've really enjoyed reading through all of the different topics posted so I decided to participate. I'm not sure if this is the correct forum for what I am looking for but I'll give it a go.

Anyway...I have a friend that I used to work with. We worked together for a few years and leaned on each other through some very tough times. During our time working together I fell for her in a very bad way. Basically, I would do anything for her and I constantly wanted to be around/with her. Because of this, I confessed my feelings to her, which she took with stride, but she sees me as more of a brother I think.

I've tried to stop my feelings for her but I cannot. It's been almost a year since we worked together and I am having a very tough time not seeing or hearing her as much as I used to.

Is there anything I can do? My gut is telling me that I need to let go of her.
She is my best friend and I talk to her about almost everything in my life.
Any suggestions?
(Sorry for the lack of details and erratic post)
Madcap
Reply With Quote
  #2  
Old April 24th, 2008, 11:49 AM
1dilwhosreal 1dilwhosreal is offline
Guest
 
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: North East
Posts: 2,068
1dilwhosreal will become famous soon enough
Re: friend?

Welcome, madcap.

What a beautiful story, you connected with someone emotionally and that developed into something more. You really miss her when you don't see her or speak to her. My romantic heart would love for this to work out for you.

You said you confessed your feelings to her. How do you know that she only sees you as a brother? Is it possible her feelings have changed? Have you given her an opportunity to miss you?
Reply With Quote
  #3  
Old April 24th, 2008, 01:09 PM
Razorblade kiss's Avatar
Razorblade kiss Razorblade kiss is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Texas
Posts: 67
Razorblade kiss is on a distinguished road
Re: friend?

Welcome to the forums! =D

I would also love to see this work out for you.
The fact that your feelings for her have lasted for a whole year without anything in return is a testament to your own emotional maturity and depth.

"Loving someone is wanting what's best for them, even when you're not"

You sound like you understand that already.

Just keep trying to be happy for her, no matter what happens.
And don't give up just yet, trying to silence the heart is a dangerous thing.
Don't throw out your feelings, unless you're really ready to let them go.
Reply With Quote
  #4  
Old April 25th, 2008, 05:42 AM
madcap73 madcap73 is offline
Junior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2008
Posts: 5
madcap73 is on a distinguished road
Re: friend?

Thanks for the encouraging words.

After thinking more about where I am, I have to ask myself what I want from our friendship. It's very complex.

This is the part that I'm really scared of because I know it will change peoples view of me in a negative way. Have you ever felt like you have met someone special and the timing of meeting that person was totally wrong? That is what my friendship, in this situation is based off of. As I mentioned in my first post, I fell for my friend and I admitted it to her. The entire situation shocked me because (and here is where you all are going to really start hating me) I have been happily married for several years. I love my wife very much. She has always been my world and I would never think of ever leaving her. So, when I began to discover these feelings for my friend I began to hate myself. How could I live with this? On one side, I have the perfect family environment and on the other I have this friend who I am growing closer with. I needed to cope with this in some way to satisfy both sides. However, I could not bare to think about losing my friend. I tried to mold my actions and feelings of love into a great freindship knowing that I could never completely "have" my friend the way that my heart desired.

Over time, my friend and I grew closer. We helped each other with outside relationship problems and she got married to a great guy as well. Professionally, we both chose to leave the company that we worked for due to a very abusive manager. So, now, we get together with our families and talk on the phone or over the internet once or twice a week.
I've left out many many details because I could probably write a book about this entire experience.

The bottom line is that my friend is happy, which is what matters most to me. She knows that I'll always be there for her no matter what the problem is. My issue is trying to figure out how to heal. It hurts not seeing or hearing from her on a daily basis. I feel very selfish to desire such things. I know that she is busy with her life as I am with mine. My course of action is to continue to be there when she needs me.

but still...I miss her so much.

So, I know this whole thing must sound really bad. Trust me, I see your point. I never asked for this to happen. It kinda fell on me. I apologize if I have offended any of you and appreciate this board for enabling me to share my story and look for advice.
Madcap
Reply With Quote
  #5  
Old April 25th, 2008, 06:06 AM
1dilwhosreal 1dilwhosreal is offline
Guest
 
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: North East
Posts: 2,068
1dilwhosreal will become famous soon enough
Re: friend?

You know what, madcap, I'm not going to think negatively of you.

The reality is that we spend a lot more time with our coworkers than we do our families. Developing a crush on someone is normal, married or not. Developing an emotional attachment with someone is normal, married or not.

So, everything that you are experiencing is normal.

But, now comes the hard part, you're very wise to recognize that the timing is all wrong. Luckily you've recognized that your relationship with your wife is pretty permanent because you'd never think of leaving her. So, you have nothing to really offer this other woman.

And this other woman has nothing to offer you if she, too, is happily married. A few stolen moments would never be enough or satisfying.

In this case, I'd say that you should stop torturing yourself. Stop tempting fate because you will end up making a fool of yourself, hurting your wife and children, her, her husband, and children.

It's always nice to have one on reserve, a little dream makes you feel young and vibrant. But you're not being fair to anyone, mostly yourself.

Time to kiss your friend goodbye, I think. If it's really meant to be, then let time work it out. In the meantime, turn your thoughts and attentions to your wife and children. Don't let that time get away.
Reply With Quote
  #6  
Old April 25th, 2008, 07:57 AM
madcap73 madcap73 is offline
Junior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2008
Posts: 5
madcap73 is on a distinguished road
Re: friend?

I agree.

I believe that time will work things out for the better. I'm not going to stop my life and risk everything that we have created.

However, I would like to still remain good friends.

Thanks so much. I have been wanting to get this off of my chest for so long. I have had no way to communicate this and recieve feedback.
Reply With Quote
  #7  
Old April 25th, 2008, 08:43 AM
KayKay's Avatar
KayKay KayKay is offline
Moderator
 
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Texas
Posts: 16,155
KayKay has a reputation beyond reputeKayKay has a reputation beyond reputeKayKay has a reputation beyond reputeKayKay has a reputation beyond reputeKayKay has a reputation beyond repute
Re: friend?

One of my personal beliefs, whether it is right or wrong, is that how you behave is more important than how you feel.

While it's "bad" that you have these feelings, it's more important that you haven't acted on them.

My - I don't know what you have to gain by remaining close friends with the other woman. It seems to me that it would be a constant temptation... a constant reminder of what you think you missed out on.

Food for thought - sorry... not trying to be harsh, but just IMO... it almost sounds like you are romanticizing "what might have been". Truth be told, nobody's the same in a romantic relationship as they are in a platonic friendly relationship. How did you feel about your wife when you were pursuing her?

And one last thing... I hope you really evaluate your feelings for your wife. I'm not trying to be mean... I just want you to think about HER. You would never leave her, and that's good and noble, but do you think she'd want to be with you if she knew the truth? (I don't know the answer... I'm just throwing the question out to you for consideration) Maybe the kindest thing for HER would be to let her go, rather than living a "false" life.

Just to let you know why I'm posting this... one of my friends found out in October that her DH was having an "emotional affair". He hadn't "done anything", but he was very much in love with a woman from his work - who had just gotten married... similar story. My friend was crushed and divorced him. He actually was glad for the freedom to pursue the other woman (and they are now together) and my friend is having to rebuild her life. She loved her DH whole-heartedly and sacrificed a lot for him. But she was so hurt; he had been living a lie and allowing her to believe it. The hardest part is the kids. They have two little ones who now don't have a Daddy at home. My friend will be fine, but the kids will be the ones to suffer. That's the part that upsets my friend. It doesn't sound like you have kids yet... My plea to you is to please do a lot of thinking before bringing kids into the mix.
Reply With Quote
  #8  
Old April 25th, 2008, 09:40 AM
Grace's Avatar
Grace Grace is offline
Moderator
 
Join Date: Aug 2007
Posts: 663
Grace is on a distinguished road
Re: friend?

My and it's going to sound harsh, not b/c I'm judging you, just b/c I'm in a hurry...

You cannot be friends with this woman. You are not her friend. You want something more from her and you are going to be eternally frustrated, not to mention tempting fate by wishing for more. You are not doing either of you any favours.

The 'right' thing to do, for you, for her and for your families is to rip the bandaid off and stop contacting her. This is not a friendship, it's contact under the guise of a friendship.

Maybe the timing is a tragedy. But maybe not - as you said the woman doesn't seem interested in you in a romantic way. Even if it is a tragedy, it's unlikely to be the last in your life - appreciate the irony and move on.
In a few years the chances are you will see this as a flight of fancy and be grateful you didn't act on it.

This is my response based on you attesting that you love your wife. I've taken that on face value. If this is not true I would give you an entirely different answer.

As I say, just my
Reply With Quote
  #9  
Old April 25th, 2008, 11:00 AM
nonnymouse's Avatar
nonnymouse nonnymouse is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: West Coast, USA
Posts: 1,032
nonnymouse will become famous soon enough
Re: friend?

Frankly, emotional adultery is already a problem for you. The energy you have put into helping and supporting this friend belonged to your wife.

Every kind gesture, every loving impulse that was miss directed could have benefited and deepened your marriage. You think you have enough energy to have a great marriage and 'support your friend' further, you don't.

That you have probably mooned over this other woman endlessly and just let your wife think you are suffering from work problems or whatever and have accepted her concern for you and her sympathies disgusts me. Your wife is not your mama-good enough to go home to but invisible otherwise.

She is your one and only and you have p**sed on that commitment.

I do not dislike you. I think you are here for a wake up call and to receive emotional support. It is lacking in your marriage because you are not growing up and putting your energies mental and otherwise where they belong. You have to bring all of yourself to your marriage and work out your issues honestly. You have so not been doing that. What are you afraid of?

Full commitment to your spouse will help you both become better people, that is what marriage was designed for, your benefit.

I recommend you start seeing a counselor individually and then bring in your wife. It is her right to know the truth and to decide if she wants you around or not. And you need to start hearing her in light of the truth (you have been seriously destructive) not your fantasy that your marriage is great, it is not. Telling your wife the truth will help bring home the reality.

Don't want to fess up to her the way you have done here? That is a big clue that your actions have been wrong. Come clean. There will be a huge storm but if you survive it you and your marriage will be better for it.

You have an addiction here, not to the woman necessarily but to those feelings of anticipation and wish fulfillment-those feelings have a chemical basis and it is possible to be addicted to them. Your saying, "I am having a very tough time not seeing or hearing her as much as I used to." Is a huge red flag for me. Listen to your gut about letting her go.

If you need more of a wake-up try this...




Every time you long to contact 'your special friend' picture yourself bashing your wifes head into a brick wall. If you wouldn't do one do not do the other.




No contact. PERIOD. What you've done by 'getting your families together' compounds the problem. They should have no contact while you get a grip on yourself. It is wrong to try to build a relationship between them as a way to get further contact fixes and chatting once or twice a week?

You are addicted to your fantasy and oblivious to the harm your choosing. Get your head out of your ***. Stop sugar coating this. No contact, cold turkey.
Reply With Quote
  #10  
Old April 25th, 2008, 12:18 PM
KayKay's Avatar
KayKay KayKay is offline
Moderator
 
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Texas
Posts: 16,155
KayKay has a reputation beyond reputeKayKay has a reputation beyond reputeKayKay has a reputation beyond reputeKayKay has a reputation beyond reputeKayKay has a reputation beyond repute
Re: friend?

Okay... I was logging in to apologize for being too harsh. FWIW, I totally agree with what Grace and nonnymouse have written.

madcap... here in Texas we have a saying "It don't make me no never mind". In other words, I have no vested interest one way or the other in what you do. I agree with nonnymouse in that I think you came here as much for advice as anything, and honestly... I do not think poorly of you. At all. It don't make me no never mind.

So here's what I'd like to say to you.

I think you're at odds with yourself. I think you really need to do a very sincere look at the man in the mirror and figure out who he is and what he wants. I think you need to sincerely consider the *why* of the situation you're in, rather than focusing on the situation.

There are a million possibilities. All of them are valid, and I'm not going to stand in judgment on any of them. Perhaps you married too young, perhaps you married for the wrong reasons, perhaps you made a mistake. Perhaps the other woman is simply a fantasy, perhaps she really is "it", perhaps she's a convenient distraction.

Answer this: What did you hope to gain by telling the other woman how you feel? This is not an antagonistic question... it is one that I hope will lead you to a truth. If you would "never leave your wife", what were you hoping for? Were you hoping to have a wife and a mistress? Were you hoping to have a brief fling? Were you hoping to give your wife a reason to kick you out?

You realized that you were developing feelings for this woman, and you continued on. You helped each other through relationship problems (*ding ding ding* That's the alert bell!) You made a CHOICE to put yourself in the situation you are in. The question is... why? If you hated yourself for feeling that way, why did you continue on instead of running for the hills?

Is your family environment really perfect? Why won't you leave your wife? (I'm praying there are no kids involved. You haven't mentioned.)

Put the shoe on the other foot. Would you be happy if you weren't "Mr. Right" for your wife, but rather "Mr. Good Enough"? Would you want to be married to, have a family with, and grow old and gray with a woman who was still with you because someone else didn't want her? Do you want to be the second choice? Would you want your wife to make a choice to not "forsake all others"? Should she see you as an obstacle to getting what she really wishes she had?

You really aren't being fair to your wife.

You asked:
Quote:
Have you ever felt like you have met someone special and the timing of meeting that person was totally wrong?
Yes. I was dating DH, not engaged yet or anything. I worked with a guy who I really, really connected with. And before I got involved, before I started developing feelings for him, I did a critical analysis of DH. And I decided that between the two of them, DH was the better man and I was lucky to have him, despite the heart palpitations and the "sparks" (missing since the early days with DH). And you know what? Once I decided that, the heart palpitations and the sparks stopped. That guy may have been my soulmate for all I know, but I got a keeper with DH and I'm not going to do *anything* to jeapordize that. I am very grateful that the timing of the meeting *was* totally wrong. And DH can still make my heart skip a beat.
Reply With Quote
Reply

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Forum Jump


All times are GMT -7. The time now is 05:32 AM.


Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.7.3
Copyright ©2000 - 2018, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.
Copyright 2007, The BlueSparks Network