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  #21  
Old January 29th, 2008, 08:55 PM
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Re: I had my baby GIRL!!

Oh my gosh It's been over a month and I just now see this... wow I really need to be more observant.

But still, Congratulations none the less =)
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  #22  
Old January 30th, 2008, 10:17 PM
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Re: I had my baby GIRL!!

Hi everyone! Sorry it's been a while since I posted, but I have my hands full! Everyone in my house has been sick, so I have been taking care of them (my 3YO had to go to Urgent care) and I have been trying to guard Madison (newborn) from all the germs...well....now I am sick! It's horrible! and I am terrified that Madison is getting it. She has been sneezing and coughing, and i took her to the doctor yesterday and the doctor listened to her lungs and said they were clear so she is okay, but she still is sneezing and coughing. My friend who just had twins, had her two YO old come down with a cold, and gave it to the twins, they ended up having RSV and were admitted to the hospital for 5 days!!!

I don't know, I guess I am stressing out. It was so easy when my husband was here with me, now that he went back to work (2 weeks ago) I feel like sometimes I am not a great mom. Only because I try to have quality time with each of them and I don't feel like I give them enough individual time!! It's so hard to do homework with my 8YO while my 3YO is jumping off the furniture and writing on walls (he is my crazy one), and them Madison doesn't like me to put her down. NOw I am sick and I am just wore out! My husband will help, but when he does, he makes me feel guilty. Last night he got home (9:30), he didn't have to go to work till noon today, so I asked him if he could get up one time with her during the night, so i get a couple of hours of uninterrupted sleep, since I was runnign off of only a few hours of sleep from the night before, and I am super duper sick... he said I guess, but that is your job, I work, you stay home, so feeding at night is your job. I know this, but for God sake... I am sick, and it wasn't like he had to get up early... I am the one that was taking my 8YO to school and getting him ready in the morning!!! He does help, don't get me wrong, but he sure knows how to lay the guilt on me.

Sorry for the vent. Everything was going so good....and it still is, it just got harder when it was left to only me I guess. I am sure there will be a routine put in place and Madison will start sleeping thru the night or most of it anyways. Plus, I don't think I am healing as quickly as I should. With out getting into details... I healed alot quicker with my other two. It was 4 weeks on Sunday, so she is a month old today (born DEC.30th).

Sorry for the rant. It seems like this is the only place I can do it. Dont' get me wrong, I truly LOVE being a mommy to all three, I just wish that there was 3 clones of me, so my children could get more individual time with me, and at least 2 of the other me's wouldn't be sick like i am right now.

Anyways.... thank you for asking about me, I will post more when I am over this sickness. I hope all of you are well! I wish I had time to go into the other threads and read them and put my 2 cents in, but I am off to bed
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  #23  
Old January 31st, 2008, 06:55 AM
1dilwhosreal 1dilwhosreal is offline
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Re: I had my baby GIRL!!

mommyT, forgive me for saying it, but your DH is a selfish jerk for making you feel like a failure while you're sick, still recovering from delivery, and taking care of 3 kids.

Don't be ashamed of asking for help; it's necessary at times like this. Feel free to whine and don't feel guilty. I freely confess that I did not like the infant stage and I've learned that many mother's feel exactly the same way. I remember being absolutely certain that I was the worst mother in the world because I wasn't feeling happy and I wasn't getting anything done. Part of that is baby blues, part of it is sleep deprivation, and with my first, I went into real PPD. I learned I had to lower the bar and forget about trying to get things done. I was my own worst enemy because I expected too much of myself.

You take care of yourself and the children. Call a friend, family, or neighbor to come in and help you until you are well. Take the easy way out for a while: use paper plates, 1 pot meals, etc. Leave all the stuff that doesn't really matter, like dusting, until later.

When you feel better, I'd suggest finding a "mommy's helper." An 11-13 year old could come in and play with the 3 yo child while you're trying to get something done, like homework, cooking dinner or even trying to rest a while.

Do what you must to make it easy for yourself.

(((((((hugs))))))))
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  #24  
Old January 31st, 2008, 10:35 AM
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Re: I had my baby GIRL!!

MommyT, ITA with 1dil. I thought it sounded like your husband was being very inconsiderate. It's not like you are asking him to do the 3 am feed every night, then get up at 6 a.m. and go to work - you are asking him for a little extra helping hand as you are unwell, and have a newborn to contend with, along with 2 other children. I don't think it's too much to ask. I don't want to harp on too much, because part of it may be that you're feeling quite vulnerable and sensitive right now, and it might have been just a temporary blip in behaviour for a man who is normally reasonable and considerate, but yeah, I'd be pretty p*ssed off. I hope you take his behaviour as a reflection on HIM - not on your mothering skills.

For what it's worth, I don't have kids, so I don't have real life experience to offer, but I can completely imagine myself feeling the way you are - overwhelmed. I don't even have kids yet, and I worry that I'm going to be the worst mum in the world because just the thought of a caring for a newborn is quite overwhelming. I'm sure every woman has that insecurity that they are 'not doing it right' or 'not doing it as well as everybody else'. Well, I can tell you that my friends who are overacheivers always tell me nothing but how 'wonderful' it is to have a new baby - hard work, but 'wondeful' (never mind the fact that they are falling asleep as they tell you this, and are more tetchy than you've ever seen them!). My more down to earth friends - who I can rely on to be honest - tell me they don't know how they are going to get through it, nobody told them how hard it would be, and some days they honestly think about walking out and not coming back. One very honest friend told me that in the worst of her PND, she was taking her newborn for a walk in the park and thought honestly about leaving him there! We joke about it now, and I know that when (if?) the time comes, I can rely on these friends to be honest and supportive and tell me I'm not the worst mum in the world (I hope!!).

Like 1dil said - vent here as much as you need to, from what I've seen the girls here are very honest about parenting and tell it like it is. I know this is not your first, but you could do with some supportive friends just now - if there's nobody nearby to talk honestly to, you will find a lot of support here.

I hope you are feeling better soon Mommy T - I thought my life was exhausting, but sheesh, I don't know how you are doing it!
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  #25  
Old January 31st, 2008, 12:10 PM
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Re: I had my baby GIRL!!

((((hugs))))

1dil is absolutely right.

Here's my story, the short version, I hope.

I had 3 kids in 2 years. My DD1 was 2 when my twins were born. After the twins, my DH worked long hours plus going to school 2 nights a week. When the twins were 10 weeks old, I started working from home. I was tired, overworked. Thats when the baby blues really hit me. I pushed myself to hard. I allowed my DH to push me to hard. I was convinced I was the worst mother in the world. I would look at the mother's boards, and read the magazines and I just did not measure up. The kids were always sick. My DD1 would get sick, then the twins would get sick. By 4-month-old, my twins had had the flu twice, gastroenteritis AND Chicken pox.

Then it got to the point where I truly resented the hades out of my DH. The site of him irritated me. I was angry because he got to get out of the house. I was angry because he had no clue how hard it was for me and how he thought it was all just soooo easy. I was angry because HE was too tired to help. I loved my kids dearly, there just was not enough of me to go around, which of course made me feel worse.

My final straw with my DH came on a weekend. I felt fat, alone, ugly, useless, etc... So, on the insistance of my sister, I made a hair appointment, nail appointment (I never get my nails done) and left DH alone with the kids. I was gone a total of 1.5 hours but it was so worth it. I felt a little more human. I got adult contact. I looked nice. But then I came home. DH was livid, yelling how "You've been gone 1.5 hours. Where have you been. Do you know how hard its been. They babies won't quit crying." Oh, ya, he is sitting in front of the computer playing a game. My words "You've been home with them for only 1.5. Imagine doing this 24 hours a day 7 days a week." Then I called him a jack@ss.

Also I told him "If you only job was to provide money for the family, then whats the point of being married. I might as well divorce your azz and get child support. The up side to that is I would no longer have to clean up after your lazy butt." Okay, not one of my finer moments. Just do yourself a favor, don't let the resent get as far as mine did. I allowed it to grow to the point it nearly cost me my marriage.

I wish I had some great words of wisdom. I just wanted you to know you are not alone. I've been, plus hundreds of other woman have been. Also, ask for help.

You DH needs a HUGE wakeup call. What does he work, 40-50 hours a week. You are a mom 168 hours a week. Ask him who puts in more time. He is a parent too and just because he has a job does not mean he gets to push aside his parenting duties. Trust me when I say you were not the only one there at conception.

May I make a suggestion about the feeds. Since your DH gets home at 9:30, he will probably be up late. Try going to bed early, make DH give the baby its 12 o'clock feeding (whatever the last feeding of the night is). If he is willing to do this and you go to bed at 10, the baby may not get up until 3 and you will get 5 hours of straight sleep. May not seem like much, but 5 hours can seem like a blessing at times.

Vent here all you want.

ETA: I just wanted to state that I DON'T recommend saying the things that I said. It definitely was not the best route to go. I just wanted to let you know you were not alone.

Last edited by grubby; January 31st, 2008 at 12:26 PM.
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  #26  
Old January 31st, 2008, 12:19 PM
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Re: I had my baby GIRL!!

Hi MommyT,

I just wanted to reach out to you and let you know that everything you are feeling is so justified and every tear you may have shed in frustration is warranted! Its so hard having an older child (the 8 yr old) and catering to his/her specific needs and trying to contain the bouncing 3 yr old at the same time. ON TOP OF ALL THIS, you have a newborn!!?!?!

Sheesh, if only strength came in tablets!!!

I am going to assume that your DH is pretty stressed himself, I remember asking my DH to help out with the late night feeds and having him moan and groan etc...I'm not saying give him any lee-way, it should be the other way around actually, but I would suggest to you that you don't judge him too harshly based on his recent behaviour. Don't ask, TELL him what to do next time you need some extra help and remind him that he should be offering in the first place.

Give yourself some room, don't think you are supposed to be handling all this with ease. And let me know when you get the cloning formula perfected!

Take care and all the best to your young family.

Last edited by latelearner; January 31st, 2008 at 12:21 PM. Reason: sp
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  #27  
Old January 31st, 2008, 04:05 PM
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Re: I had my baby GIRL!!

I second 1dils post and would take it further.

Your husband is mistaken about the baby being your job. Your first job is to look out for yourself so you can recover. His time off being over does not mean you no longer need help.

I struggled with that after DD2. Her birth had been much easier than our firsts birth and I felt I should be able to handle everything for both children. I was being unrealistic. I felt guilty even asking DH for help with the dishes. And he was like your husband and did not make it easy to ask. I broke down and cried at one point while trying to do it all. And he just said "Well why didn't you just ask for help." Like asking was the easiest thing in the world when he'd been so negative about it.


He complained a bit, still does once and a while, but he took over the bath/bedtime routine for DD1 at that point and does a lot of other stuff. Now he does the evening routine for both our girls while I put DS down.



He's even gotten territorial about it. "No, we do it like this." Which I have grown to love. It has made him more confident as a father. It took some adjustment and negotiation for both of us to get comfortable with it. But more help really did help me a lot.

I had post partum mood disorder issues after each of my births. Either depression, anxiety or both. And after the third (with a move a few weeks before DSs birth and a second move a month after-long story) I suffered from serious exhaustion. Lucky me. My husband jokes that I can't do anything the easy way. Like I would have picked the problems we've had to deal with.


You don't need to feel bad for finding ways to take care of yourself. 1dil said don't worry about dusting and stuff. I had to laugh. I didn't dust anyway. I say skip or deligate laundry, dishes, meal prep., dropping off and picking up from school and anything else that will allow you to get more sleep and recovery time. Even the one on one time with your older children needs to take a back seat to your own recovery right now.



I also had to give myself time to grieve for the parts of my relationship I felt I lost with DD1 when DD2 came along. I had to give up control of somethings and it felt like a mixed blessing at the time.


Caring for yourself right now is sooo important. It doesn’t make you a bad person, wife or mother to get help with things. The basics: sleep, food, time, and especially social support are crucial for every recovering mom.

Congratulations on your babys first month!

Last edited by nonnymouse; January 31st, 2008 at 04:08 PM. Reason: weird html code in the middle of post-removed
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  #28  
Old January 31st, 2008, 09:16 PM
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Re: I had my baby GIRL!!

Thank you all for your responses. Reading them actually brought me to tears, not because I am glad that you guys have been through it, but because I feel somewhat normal now after reading your responses. I am so lucky to have found this board!


Grubby, I don't know how you did it with 3 in two years!! Your are my hero LOL!
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  #29  
Old March 3rd, 2008, 06:49 PM
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Re: I had my baby GIRL!!

How're things mommyT? How's Madison doing?
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  #30  
Old March 3rd, 2008, 08:16 PM
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Re: I had my baby GIRL!!

HI Kay Kay! Things are going much better around here!! We all got sick for a while, and couldn't get rid of it... it just kept going back and forth to everyone, including Madison!

I feel that I am adjusting to three kids pretty good! She has now decided that she will give us a little more sleep during the night, but still wants to stay up real late. She will finally fall asleep around midnight and then wake up at 4am and then sleep till 7am. So it's a little better!

The only thing that I am having trouble with, is giving each kid their own individual attention. I just don 't want to fail them, and I know they all need one on one time with their parents. My oldest (8) isn't doing so hot in school... he is smart, he is just having a hard time paying attention, and it is reflecting in his grades.

Anyways... I have found that the adjustment was much easier going from two to three, than it was going from one to two.

Thank you for asking! I finally got some time to read some threads these last two days and post!!
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