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Old January 1st, 2015, 12:27 AM
confuseddad confuseddad is offline
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Did I make a mistake

So, I've become good friends with a coworker recently. It started off innocently enough, but as time went on things began to change. She is a single mother of a 9 month girl, and she's 12 years younger than me. She's known for about 3 months now that I would be interested in a relationship with her after I separate from my wife. Now, she has said that if it weren't for the fact that she's planning on moving out of state within the next year, she would be open to this idea. However, about a week ago, I told her that I was falling in love with her. Since then she's been trying to push me further away. She's told me that she is afraid that I'll end up leaving her for someone else down the line and that she feels as if I'm planning on leaving my wife for her. I try to tell her that neither is true, but that does no good. So my question is, should I not have told her how I felt about her.
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Old January 1st, 2015, 01:36 AM
Catwoman Catwoman is offline
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Hi, Confuseddad, I can see where she is coming from,any woman would be thinking the same thing really. To a potential partner your marriage situation does sound messy.I hate to sound neg but most work relationships dont work out anyway,maybe its a twist of fate telling you that because it isnt quite happening between you, maybe its not meant to. Maybe you should look beyond the workplace for a new lady?
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Old January 1st, 2015, 04:53 AM
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LucyVanPelt LucyVanPelt is offline
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Re: Did I make a mistake

Yes, you made a mistake.

Maybe the new lady understands the concept of "if they'll do it with you, they'll do it to you." If you leave your wife to be with her, and you are regardless of what you say, then what would stop you from leaving her to be with another woman you fall in love with at work?

You are still married, trying to bond with your daughter. Look in your own home for the two ladies you are supposed to be with. See a family counselor and/or marriage counselor to resolve your problems instead of running away from them.

And schedule that appointment for a depression evaluation with your doctor before you totally lose all the best things in your life. The emotional affair that you've begun may be "self-medicating."

ETA: I'm trying to be gentle because I know that adding a second baby to a family is a very difficult time for both the husband and the wife. I want to give you a dose of reality.

I suspect you feel like your needs-- emotional, social, and sexual-- are not being met. They aren't a priority for your wife. You're competing with children for her limited resources and you're at the bottom of the list. This is a painful spot to be in as a man. You have needs.

Looking to fill those needs elsewhere is a dumb fantasy. That 12-year-younger single mother looks good because she can give you her full attention at work while the baby is being cared for elsewhere. The reality is that she won't be as good in bed as your wife is. Maybe more exciting in the beginning, but the sex will be still lacking. You'll be competing with HER baby for her attention, a child that isn't yours, who has a father somewhere in the background. Your emotional and social needs will still go unmet. She will be a b and look a mess in the mornings, too.

Meanwhile, you'll have lost your home, your wife, your family will be mad at you, and your children will always feel abandoned by you, regardless of how hard you fight their mother for them. They'll be shuffled back and forth between 2 houses, never being able to celebrate a holiday or special event with both parents. Meanwhile, every woman you get involved with will complain about how child support is a drain and nag you because she and her children with another man are not your priority. And your children will always have this psychological wound that says their father rejected them because why? He felt his needs were more important than theirs, even though he's the adult man and they were just tiny children.

Deal with your issues at home. Save your marriage, save your children, save your life. When you and your wife are celebrating your Silver Anniversary, you'll look back and be grateful you didn't leave when things got rough.

Last edited by LucyVanPelt; January 1st, 2015 at 08:06 AM.
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Old January 1st, 2015, 12:16 PM
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Re: Did I make a mistake

Add a third, older child into the mix and you could almost be my xh. Sounds like you both emotionally checked out of the marriages before giving the mother of your kids any heads up and well before you both decided to bring another child into the world. ( you and my xh, not your wife).

Yes you made a mistake, I'm sure you know that. You are scared to own and take responsibility for your decisions. You want the decision to end your marriage to be taken out of your hands, using this other women and your wife as scapegoats.

You are not in love with this other woman. You may be in "limerance" it's not a true love. She is merely the exit relationship out of your marriage. You probably see your self as her knight in shining armour to her damsel in distress. If you persue this relationship, there will never be any trust, she will always feel insecure because after all if you could so easily leave your wife, son and small baby, you can just as easily do the same to her.

Do you think you will find happiness if you leave your wife? I doubt it. My xh had his exit relationship, then went and found another relationship to exit from the other woman. I believe he's now looking for his third exit relationship. All because he has no spine and he is too scared to be on his own. So having destroyed his own family unit and caused massive devastation to his kids (and me initially). We were merely collateral damage in pursuit of his "happy ever after". He's now gone on to create chaos and devastation for another two families. The other women have to own their bad choices too, but they also bring children into it and I regard their children to be as much innocent victims as my own.

I believe you are no different to him and many other spineless cowards out there.

You want to be happy? This isn't the way to go about it. This is running away from your demons, who aren't in fact your wife, they are within YOU. And guess what? Wherever you go, there you will be.

Do you think I'm wrong in my perception of you? Prove me wrong.

See a counselor, grow a spine, get honest and real with your wife. Try to work together on healing your marriage. If at the end of it you still feel there is no way to continue in your marriage then seek professional help to end things with your wife with as much damage limitation as possible, WITHOUT bringing other women into it. Do the RIGHT thing the RIGHT way.
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Last edited by Annsdil; January 1st, 2015 at 12:22 PM.
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Old January 1st, 2015, 01:41 PM
confuseddad confuseddad is offline
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Re: Did I make a mistake

The reason I feel that this isn't about the other woman is because my wife and I have been here before. Throughout the last 4 years I've felt as if we got married for the wrong reasons. One of our first dates was my brothers' wedding. He is 6 years younger than me and here he was settling down while I was still just finding people to fool around with. We dated for a while and I never really took it seriously. Our relationship was more of an ongoing booty call to me.

After about 4 months I moved in with her. A couple weeks later, we were in a bad car accident where she could've been killed in if it wasn't for the fact that I held onto her. 2 months after that is when I proposed to her. The following summer is when we got married, then a year later my son was born.

I planned on leaving her last winter, but then she found out her mom was terminally ill and we thought she only had a few months left to live. I couldn't leave her at that point because she was already in a bad place. Then, when we found out she was pregnant again, I felt as if I had to stay cause of the baby.

Throughout our entire relationship, I have always been physically and sexually attracted to other women. I would often day dream about things I'd do with people I knew or even people I just seen at the store or in the street. I also flirted with many people, and would visit dating sites and craigslist personals. I never physically cheated, but I always had the desire to.

About 3 months ago is when I realized I was having feelings for this other woman. Since then, I have not even looked at anyone else, much less flirted with them or desired them. When I think of being with her, it's not about sex, but about jst beng with her.
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Old January 1st, 2015, 01:47 PM
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Re: Did I make a mistake

This is about you. No matter what woman you are with you are going to feel the same way. I suggest you get a vasectomy so you don't end up getting others women you were planning to leave pregnant. It doesn't sound like you are prepared to find out what is going on with you to make sure this doesn't keep happening. You're just going to find as many excuses and reasons to leave your wife (and any future partner) without taking responsibility for your choices.
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Old January 1st, 2015, 02:01 PM
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Re: Did I make a mistake

Well, leaving aside all the issues going on with your marriage -

This woman from work is not interested in you. She sees you for 'you' (someone who wants to cheat on his wife) and she doesn't like that. So let the idea of a relationship with her go. You haven't looked at anyone else or desired anyone else because you've been focused on getting her. Had you 'gotten' her, you'd be looking for someone else. To quote Taylor Swift "Players gonna play, play, play...."


I'm going to try not to be harsh, confuseddad, because I want you to do some self-reflection and take my words to heart.

I "hear" everything you are saying about feeling like you and your wife got married for the wrong reasons. I sympathize with those feelings.

BUT...

Here you are. You may have gotten married for the wrong reasons, but you got married and you brought two children into the world. Everything you have done has been your choice to do. You dated your wife, you moved in with your wife, you proposed to your wife, you chose to have a child, then another, with your wife.

These are actions you willingly chose and you need to accept the consequences of those decisions even if you don't like them now. You may not have been mature enough to decide to get married, but you did decide to get married and start a family so you have to make the best of what you've got.

I'm not saying that you are in a good marriage or that you will live happily ever after (although I sincerely hope you can figure it out with your wife). What I am saying is that your wife and ESPECIALLY your two children do not deserve to suffer because you made some poor choices. And any future woman you choose doesn't deserve to suffer either.


Confuseddad, I'm old enough to have seen a lot of my friends' marriages fail for various reasons. I've seen "shouldn't have gotten married in the first place" and I've seen "mid-life crisis finding 'true love' with someone else." The ones who shouldn't have gotten married in the first place seem to have a better success rate at getting along and raising children together. The ones where a spouse has an affair (even an emotional one) do worse harm to the children in my opinion.

Seriously... please work out your marital problems one way or the other before you entertain the fantasy of another woman. Even if you don't think of your wife as anything more than a booty call that went wrong, you owe it to your wife and children to do right by them.
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Old January 1st, 2015, 04:01 PM
confuseddad confuseddad is offline
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Re: Did I make a mistake

I have taken everything into consideration, that's part of the reason it's taken this long. It's not as if I plan on leaving my wife one day then move onto to someone else the next. I know that this is a delicate situation. This is why I don't even plan on telling this other woman that I'm on my own for at least 3 months after the fact. As for her not being interested, I know that she is. She has told me that she does want the same thing, she's just afraid of being hurt, which I understand entirely. I do love my wife and care about her, but it's the same kind of love that you would have with any other best friend.

All I know is this woman has made me feel things that I've never felt with anyone else.
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Old January 1st, 2015, 04:21 PM
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Annsdil Annsdil is offline
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Re: Did I make a mistake

That is a short term fantasy. The reality, once the novelty and excitement has worn off is that your life will be no better than it is now, other than you'll never get the same relationship with your kids as you do as part of an intact family.

You're always going to be searching for that something and you'll never get it until you look within yourself.
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Old January 1st, 2015, 05:00 PM
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Re: Did I make a mistake

Others have said it here very clearly but it simply always more difficult to sit still with our problems than to run from them and it is the only way to solve them and move on.

Sit with your problem and really look it in the eye, you will never solve it by leaving your marriage.

You are trying to rationalize what you think you've already decided. Open your mind and receive what folks here are saying.
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