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Old August 16th, 2017, 11:13 AM
KBraidYellow KBraidYellow is offline
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Feeling shunned from brother

Me and my younger brother (we are both adults with a few years difference) used to get on well.

Over the past year he has become very distant with me. Like, Gonewhenever he is home, he would stay in his room a lot and hardly come out. There's been many times when I went to bed at night and then he would rise. It was almost as if he was trying to avoid me. I'd say all this began last year but at times he did speak but it was little. He's worse now. Gone out the window is communication. It's completely lacking. He doesn't talk to me anymore. It's been months since he talked to me properly. I tried many times to talk to him like

Hello
How was your day
Did you have a good day
You're off for he week, do you have any plans
How was your night (if he was out the night before)
Paying him a compliment if he looks well

Things like that. Never too much questions in one go because I know how irritating that can be. Any time I talk to him it's been met with a grunt or a mumble, if that.
He doesn't extend anything to me - he doesn't ask me anything. It's as if he doesn't care or want to know me anymore or care to see what's happening in my life.

I've tried with him and to date I let it all slide with him without pulling him up on his bullcrap moods.

I wrote here some weeks ago about my mother and brother. Some very kind posters responded and said that he's not happy with his current living arrangements and possibly feels smothered from our mother and he's acting out. This makes a lot of sense. However, I don't smother him so it doesn't make sense how he's not speaking to me.

I feel like there is something more at play but I don't know what. I bought him a Xmas present last year of a PlayStation 4 game something I thought he would like and it's been left in the sitting room. Present was opened but the cling film /plastic on the game cover never opened and so never used.
I feel hurt by this, also in conjunction with him going cold with me.

I'm about 7 months dating a man and a lovely picture went up on Facebook of us which was liked by many. My brother, nothing from him.

I'm not a drama queen. I'm a very easy going person and I know there is give and take in the world and I let so much go and slide and try to think of positives etc.

I don't understand why he is like this. I can't think of a row or an argument that we had for him to turn on me and not speak to me.

I went away for a break away with my boyfriend last week. I was unbelievably annoyed at my brother and I didn't sleep well at all in the previous few nights because I woke up to being shunned. I never had anything out with him before I left. I was hoping things would improve by the time I got back. Nope, that never happened. I said hello to him when I came home. He said hello back but that was it. Nothing else from. There was nothing like - how was your time away? Did you have a good time? Nothing from him.

With that,,I thought I'm done with this. I went cold with him. No words spoken from me to him. I reckon he picked up on it and then he started being friendly with me with some cheerful hellos. There was nothing but a grunt or mumble from me in return though.

Then the next day, I saw he was making an effort so I returned things and I spoke to him - just for him to return back to the way he was.

I'm sick of him.

I wrote that he became distant last year but from time to time there was something from him. It's worse he's getting though. I'd say since maybe January of this year, things started to go downhill more from him.

A new thing with him is having a girlfriend. It's almost as if he is consumed with her and has cast me aside. I don't expect him to sit with me or whatever and I understand he has his own life to lead but I'm not able to understand this. Casting family aside for a girlfriend, that is.

He hardly introduced me to his girlfriend. It was only done on chance because they happened to walk into the room I was in. Even with this, he's been 'off' with me before she came on the scene but he's worse then ever before.

Where do I go from here on in with him? I don't know if I want to talk to him again, I've been blanked so many times.

Last edited by KBraidYellow; August 16th, 2017 at 05:00 PM.
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Old August 16th, 2017, 11:37 AM
KBraidYellow KBraidYellow is offline
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Re: Feeling shunned from brother

I don't know his girlfriend. I only met her once for a few minutes. I tried to be accommodating from the start. Like I provided dry shampoo for her if she needed it when staying and some toothbrushes too. So like, it's not because I was cold with her or anything.

I was willing to give her a chance and I would have liked to have got to know her but now I feel different. I don't see why I should be friendly with her considering he doesn't speak to me.
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Old August 16th, 2017, 11:57 AM
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Re: Feeling shunned from brother

Welcome back, KBraidYellow.

My guess, from remembering your last thread, is that your brother sees you as your mother's ally. Even if you haven't been ugly to him, your relationship with your mother is quite different. He may see you as an extension of her.
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Old August 16th, 2017, 12:48 PM
KBraidYellow KBraidYellow is offline
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Re: Feeling shunned from brother

Thank you for your lovely reply back. It's another insightful post, that's for sure.

My mother and I, we do get on well. There are times I find some things annoying but I can let it go and we get on well.

Our mother and I are two very different people and I have my own life away from her. I've work that is more often than not long and demanding. I've boyfriend. I have hobbies and I love gigging. Its ridiculous if he sees me as an extension to our mother and I can't fix that. It's upsetting me how he's so unbelievably cold towards me.
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Old August 16th, 2017, 02:40 PM
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Re: Feeling shunned from brother

Maybe it's not about you. Maybe it's about him.

What do you think he would say if you told him you'd like to get to know his girlfriend and asked if you and your boyfriend could have dinner out one night with him and his girlfriend? Is that something you'd be willing to do?

Just to think through one of the issues you have with him... the PlayStation was a very nice gift and it's curious why he wouldn't use it. Does he have a TV in his room that he could hook it up to?
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Old August 16th, 2017, 05:09 PM
KBraidYellow KBraidYellow is offline
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Re: Feeling shunned from brother

The gift I bought was a game for his PlayStation, not the games console itself. I researched the game and it came highly recommended. He has the games console and a big TV in his room. So I don't understand. 8 months on from Christmas, not even touched.

My brother knows the man I'm dating. The two of them used to work together about 11/12 years ago. My boyfriends first initial is J. Not once did my brother ask - hows J keeping.

I thought if a dinner date, all four of us together. It's a lovely idea. Maybe in time I might suggest it but for now, I'll keep quite. I'm unbelievably annoyed and upset with my brother and I don't think I'll be able to sit across from him from him for too long. Tonight he came home from work and walked right by me without a word. It seems as if he and my mother are on good terms again and speaking. He spoke to her but not me. Honest to god, this breaks my soul.
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Old August 16th, 2017, 05:37 PM
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Re: Feeling shunned from brother

Oh, I'm sorry... I misunderstood about the game.

Well, I'm completely befuddled about why he's acting the way he is acting. I suspect you'll never get an answer. Whatever burr he has under his saddle is going to stay there until he decides to fix it. Does your mother have any clue? Have you asked your brother why he no longer speaks to you?

Sadly, you can't change him. The only person you can change is yourself, and in your case that means accepting "what is". It is hard to be on the receiving end of the silent treatment when you have no idea what it's about, but I think at this point the only thing you can do is wait it out. I think you ought to stop making any efforts and stop expecting any pleasant behavior from him. I'm sorry.

What does your boyfriend say about all of this, since he knows your brother?
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Old August 16th, 2017, 06:53 PM
KBraidYellow KBraidYellow is offline
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Re: Feeling shunned from brother

My mother sees he's distant with me. She saw me making and effort many times with him, just to get it thrown back in my face with a grunt or a mumble before storming back to his room. She hasn't a clue.

I didn't ask my brother why he's not talking to me and I doubt I will ask him or confront him about it. I will leave it be and leave the door open for him. I'll say hello to him if he says hello to me but that's it from here on in from me.

You are completely right about your second paragraph. I think I will throw myself into my hobbies and enjoy the silence from him.

They used to work together and they used to know each other, but not since they parted ways with that job.
My boyfriend doesn't know the full situation at home about my brother being cold and not speaking to me. He knows a few bits like there was a moody episode not so long ago from my brother. My brother came home from work and started cooking. He then discovered there was no pepper sauce in the kitchen. He threw his unfinished/uncooked meal in the bin and stormed to his room and there he stayed for the remainder of the night. I had my boyfriend over that night and I told him about the episode just in case my brother would rise and start shouting. My boyfriend laughed and said he's being childish - he only has a car, can drive the 5 minutes to the shop and buy the pepper sauce himself.

My boyfriend has a heart of gold. He lives with his parents and he helps his parents. He's sees what's happening in my own home. My dad is long gone. The garden is overgrown and that was always my brothers job so my boyfriend sees my brother is being neglectful towards the family home. My boyfriend hasn't said anything to me about this but I suspect he's not too happy with that.
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Old August 17th, 2017, 03:05 AM
KBraidYellow KBraidYellow is offline
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Re: Feeling shunned from brother

My gut instinct is telling me, all this is coming down to his girlfriend. I could be wrong and there could be another other reason for being distant with me but my gut is telling me it's down to his girlfriend.

It's like he's utterly consumed with her, he has no time for family.

Has anyone here ever experienced this? Being cast aside and treated like nothing because of a girlfriend or boyfriend?
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Old August 17th, 2017, 10:00 AM
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Re: Feeling shunned from brother

No, but when I started dating my husband I remember wanting to spend all day, every day with him.

Going back to your first post, you chronicled that the changes in his personality started before his girlfriend came on the picture. You said he first started staying in his room, then going out with friends and not coming back for a day or two. You suspected he was doing drugs, which he doesn't seem to do anymore.

I really wouldn't blame the girlfriend. Your brother is an adult and is responsible for his own behavior. His girlfriend would more likely be encouraging him to move out, not encouraging him to stay in the house just to shun you.

Your brother's behavior is really not all that abnormal. He seems to be acting out because he resents his position and wants to live his life independent of his family. Really, that's completely normal.
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