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Old January 13th, 2018, 12:42 PM
ascofield ascofield is offline
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My uncle lacked respect about my deceased father. I need your opinions.

Hello everyone,

First of all, excuse me for any errors in english language because I'm french. As the title says, my uncle lacked respect about my attachment for my deceased father and it really hurt me. My father really was my hero and I love him with all my heart so it was devastative when he passed away 6 years ago because of cancer.

Fast forward to a few months ago. One of my uncles (with whom I'm not close and we barely know each other) came to my mother's house with his wife. I was here so we spoke for a few hours. When they were kids, my uncle was "friend" with my father. I put "friends" in quotes because they respectively had other friends, they only hung out occasionally and since I was born, I never saw them hang out together. My father almost never went to his home and he almost never came to our home. Maybe one or two times in 20 years. They also both lived in poverty when they were kids, and my father even more.

So we were tchatting and he began to talk about how poor my father was. But it wasn't with compassion, it was almost disdain. At one point her wife even smirked when he was telling details about how poor my father was. Naturally, I felt a bit upset about this and when my mother joined the conversation I asked to change the subject and my uncle replied curtly "Yes, he lived in misery, that's the truth!"...I was flabbergasted.

First of all, it's not about truth or not, I know that my father was poor when he was a kid, it's about respecting people's feelings and respecting when the son of a deceased father asks to change the subject because it saddens him. And my uncle lived in poverty too as a kid, it's not as if he grew up in Beverly Hills. Shortly after that, I left the house without saying goodbye to them. Apparently it's not the first time he tries to belittle some people. His brother for instance (who is way nicer and respectful than him) told me that he went to his house once and he swore never to return because he told me that he belittled him all night. He told me that despite the fact hat he is his brother, he prefer to stay away from him because he's too arrogant and condescending. Anyway, I'm really hurt about his behavior because like I said, my father really was my hero and he was a gentle, kind person who never talked bad about anyone.

What do you guys think? Do you also think that it was cruel and disrespectful?

Thanks you for your opinions because his arrogant behavior really hurt me.
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Old January 13th, 2018, 01:20 PM
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KayKay KayKay is offline
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Re: My uncle lacked respect about my deceased father. I need your opinions.


Originally Posted by ascofield View Post
my father really was my hero and he was a gentle, kind person who never talked bad about anyone.

This is what is important about your father, and it is really wonderful that you know that. I'd be willing to bet that everyone he met knows it too.

My question is - what recourse do you have? Are you planning to confront him and demand an apology?

Your uncle was being inconsiderate. Whether or not he was being cruel and disrespectful depends on his intention. If he was deliberately trying to make you feel bad about your father, then I'd say yes - he was being cruel and disrespectful. It sounds like he's an arrogant person. If that's true, then while what he says may be hurtful you shouldn't take it personally because he does that to everyone. Does that make sense?

There is so much background to the story that I don't know and I bet you don't even know. Sibling interactions are very interesting. I know that my sisters and I chose different paths in life, and I know we are each judgmental of each others' decisions. The same is true of my husband and his sister. It is way more than I could, or would want to, explain to my kids. In my case, my sisters aren't interested in my kids and will probably never meet them. In my husband's case, his sister never passes up an opportunity to insult my husband to our kids. What I tell my kids is what I'll tell you: "She has issues. Pay no attention to her."

You don't have to have a relationship with this uncle. My advice would be to try not to be hurt by his behavior. It was hurtful, but I don't think it was done to intentionally hurt you. I think he's just an inconsiderate jerk. The thing about inconsiderate jerks is that they leave you feeling bad and they will never care. The only power you have is to refuse to let them make you feel bad. This is an important life skill.

Shake your head at your uncle's behavior, say to yourself "Now I know why no one likes him!", and be comforted by the knowledge that your dad was a superior human being to your uncle. Aren't you glad that he was your dad?
Expecto Patronum!
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