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Old March 13th, 2019, 01:38 PM
ciws14 ciws14 is offline
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My kids, My mother and Step Dad... ugh

My wife and I had twins around 6 months ago and things have been really great. We live and are raising our kids in a Christian environment & household. Since the day we had the kids, my mother has seemed to harbor resentment. My wife didn't want anybody in the delivery room while she was in labor. She had both kids naturally. She wanted to have them, get settled in and then start calling people. I was fine with that as I knew it would be a lot less stress on everybody. My mother was not too happy about that one bit.

She came up to the hospital an was able to get plenty of pictures for her friends and family of her with the kids. I figured she would be coming by often to see them and spend time with them. She is super excited about finally being a grandmother, but then almost unreachable at other times. She used to come by about once a week to see the kids and give my wife a breather, but that has tapered off. She and my step-dad decided to go on vacation over Christmas. I was confused why she was okay missing the twins' first Christmas, but after all it's their choice.

They went to visit my sister in Florida instead. Christmas day came and we enjoyed our first holiday with the babies. I'm certain my wife and I had more fun than the babies. LOL. We didn't really hear from anybody in Florida until the evening on Christmas day. My mom tried to video call twice and I didn't have my phone near by. I called her back and she didn't answer and said "I tried to Skype but you didn't pick up. Wanted to see the babies. Going to bed now, maybe another time." Okay I thought, that's fine. We continued on our holiday and had an enjoyable time. When they returned from Florida her and my step dad came by to see the kids. My step father is not very well liked by anybody, but I tolerate him for my mom's sake. I'm realizing this isn't serving me well any more. My wife breast feeds both kids exclusively. She is my superwoman. When it was time to feed them I went to get my daughter from my step dad and he wasn't very happy. He said, "no, you can't take her". That hits a severe nerve with me and the mere sound of that doesn't seem like much, but it is with me. I said yes, it's time to eat. He made somewhat of a sexual comment about my wife breast feeding both kids at the same time. It upset myself and my wife and I fought the urge no not ring his neck. This is why I'm glad i'm 40 and not 21 because it would have most likely happened. This really upset my wife and I expressed this to my mom and she basically dismissed it.

My poor wife ran into both of them a couple days later at a store with the kids and of course my step dad runs up to my daughter as my wife is holding her and demands her. "Give her to me" and my wife said "no, and get your hands out of my face". Thankfully my mom stepped in and diffused it quickly but it left my wife a mess. She called me crying from the parking lot. Both kids were screaming and upset from the entire thing. I again called my mom and told her this is unacceptable. She again dismissed it as "he did't mean anything by it...". Everywhere this guy goes, he basically creates chaos somehow. He prides himself on that I'm quite certain. He and I used to be close year ago, but as time has went on and since I've started a family, things have degraded significantly. So much so that I don't even want him around any longer. My mom demands that we let him see the kids as he is their "Grandfather". I do not agree. To me this is something that you earn. You don't demand that. I told my mom she can come by to see the kids alone for now until we can figure out how to sort this if we can. My mom went silent for quite some time and then just recently wanted to come by and see the kids. She texted us and said "Want to see the babies. Wednesday is the only day I have open so it this works please let me know what time. Thanks!"

Well, Wednesday's are not good for us due to church and other stuff my wife does with the kids. She has always set the day and time. We tell her what day works for us (as we are much busier than 70 year old pensioners) and if it doesn't fit in their schedule, she doesn't some. She assumes my wife is sitting home all day doing nothing. I've tried explaining things to here that this isn't the case and she is very busy. She doesn't get it. There has been an entitlement mentality coming from her and my sister lately that is unlike anything I have ever seen. Them being around causes us stress and anxiety. I do not see any benefit any longer with myself or my family being around any of them. I'm conflicted as she is the only parent I have left.

I grew up in a very abusive home. I fight animosity towards my mother for allowing my sister and I to be in such a dangerous situation for so long. I've seen therapists and worked very hard at forgiveness for what has been done to me most of my life. I don't want my kids to have any clue about that kind of childhood. They will be raised in a Christian home with actual values.

I must apologize for the long winded story, but I felt like some background was in order. Thank you for listening!!!
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Old March 13th, 2019, 02:50 PM
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LucyVanPelt LucyVanPelt is offline
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Re: My kids, My mother and Step Dad... ugh

First, let me say thank you for being a good husband and father! It's refreshing to see a husband support his wife; many times the "son" wins out.

Your mother may have expectations, but it's not your job or your wife's job to meet them. You already know this, but sometimes it's important to hear it from an unbiased stranger on the internet.

Limiting the time spent with your step-dad is a difficult but wise decision right now. Your wife needs to be comfortable, and a man who sexualizes breast-feeding and demands the female child should be held at a distance, in my opinion. And that was before I read that you had been abused.

If you are concerned that your children may be at risk, you have a duty to protect them from anyone who might cause them harm, which includes your mother and your step-father.

Forgiveness does not mean abusive people, including your mother, have a right to be in relationship with your children. Has she apologized? Has she changed? If not, you may have forgiven her, but she has not reconciled with you.

Good luck and enjoy these years. The seem long at the beginning, but they are so short in the end!
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