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  #11  
Old June 9th, 2008, 05:44 PM
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Re: Should she pay half

I'm glad I'm not the only one that thinks she shouldn't pay. And yes, A needs to but out. I wish I could say something to her but it's not my place.

A few months ago 4 yr old DN had to be taken to the ER. Per the agreement DS had to call her ex and tell him. He brings A to the hospital with him. In one of the quite moments A tells DN to go to the person she loves the most, her mommy or her daddy. What kind of person would do that to a child?

A doesn't work. When ex BIL met her she was living with her mom, had no car and no job. She's 45 yrs old, 10 yrs older than ex BIL.

She does and says things that are not appropriate. 14 yr old DN goes to private school and my DM is a teacher there. She over heard DN telling someone that he, his father and A were kidding around and that A, talking about DN, said "I found his tickelish spot and it's between his legs."

A has also decided that DN isn't going back to private school next yr because it's to expensive for THEM to pay. I don't see how that's possible since I pay his tuition, not them. There are only 4 other ppl that know I pay it, DH, ex BIL, A and my Mom. My DS doesn't even know. So I'm guessing A is telling everyone that she pays it.
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Old June 9th, 2008, 08:43 PM
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Re: Should she pay half

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Originally Posted by Becca View Post
I'm glad I'm not the only one that thinks she shouldn't pay. And yes, A needs to but out. I wish I could say something to her but it's not my place.

A few months ago 4 yr old DN had to be taken to the ER. Per the agreement DS had to call her ex and tell him. He brings A to the hospital with him. In one of the quite moments A tells DN to go to the person she loves the most, her mommy or her daddy. What kind of person would do that to a child?

A doesn't work. When ex BIL met her she was living with her mom, had no car and no job. She's 45 yrs old, 10 yrs older than ex BIL.

She does and says things that are not appropriate. 14 yr old DN goes to private school and my DM is a teacher there. She over heard DN telling someone that he, his father and A were kidding around and that A, talking about DN, said "I found his tickelish spot and it's between his legs."

A has also decided that DN isn't going back to private school next yr because it's to expensive for THEM to pay. I don't see how that's possible since I pay his tuition, not them. There are only 4 other ppl that know I pay it, DH, ex BIL, A and my Mom. My DS doesn't even know. So I'm guessing A is telling everyone that she pays it.


Becca, frankly the "ticklish spot" story scares me. That is of much greater concern to me than the tux issue.

Please pass on to your S that she really needs to have a talk with DN about appropriate and inappropriate touch, and about predators. We already know that A likes "younger men"... She isn't related by blood, your BIL is a pushover, and your DN isn't mature enough to know better... I worry about what situations might arise there. Some women get a sick thrill out of stuff like that... one of my friends had two sons sleeping with the same woman and getting into fights over her. The woman kept it going for months... telling each man that she wanted HIM, but the other brother wouldn't leave her alone.

I also think you ought to tell your S about the tuition... That's total B.S. that A is holding that over your S's head... and you KNOW she is. What possible stupid reason could she have for spouting off about it? Why doesn't your S know?

And... make sure your S documents all of the things like the hospital stunt. She may need to talk to XBIL (through a mediator, maybe) about making sure A behaves appropriately. It sounds to me like your S has her kids' best interests at heart, but your XBIL is making stupid, STUPID choices.
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Old June 10th, 2008, 01:37 AM
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Re: Should she pay half

Becca, so sorry about all this. I agree with April and KayKay.

A is maybe being low-level abusive.

You S needs to step in, with professional help if necessary.
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Old June 10th, 2008, 06:34 AM
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Re: Should she pay half

That comment scared us all when Mom told us. My S did have a talk with DN about it and he told her that he was just kidding around with the kids when he told them that and that it wasn't true. I believe it was true. My DM believes that A is doing things like that to make DN infatuated with her. DM and DS are keeping an eye on things as much as they can but the agreement says DN only has to go to his DMs house when he wants to. That's turning out to be about 1 night a month.

As for the tuition, when S and BIL split up DN was already going there and BIL told me he couldn't afford to keep paying it all on his on. This was before A came into the picture. I told him that I would pay it and he asked me not to tell anyone, I thought it was because he was embarassed that he couldn't send DN himself. BIL is the one that told my DM about it. I have wanted to tell my S so many times but DH says, honey you gave your word that you wouldn't say anything to anybody. I don't know what to do.

Quote:
Originally Posted by KayKay View Post


Becca, frankly the "ticklish spot" story scares me. That is of much greater concern to me than the tux issue.

Please pass on to your S that she really needs to have a talk with DN about appropriate and inappropriate touch, and about predators. We already know that A likes "younger men"... She isn't related by blood, your BIL is a pushover, and your DN isn't mature enough to know better... I worry about what situations might arise there. Some women get a sick thrill out of stuff like that... one of my friends had two sons sleeping with the same woman and getting into fights over her. The woman kept it going for months... telling each man that she wanted HIM, but the other brother wouldn't leave her alone.

I also think you ought to tell your S about the tuition... That's total B.S. that A is holding that over your S's head... and you KNOW she is. What possible stupid reason could she have for spouting off about it? Why doesn't your S know?

And... make sure your S documents all of the things like the hospital stunt. She may need to talk to XBIL (through a mediator, maybe) about making sure A behaves appropriately. It sounds to me like your S has her kids' best interests at heart, but your XBIL is making stupid, STUPID choices.
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Old June 10th, 2008, 09:09 AM
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Re: Should she pay half

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Originally Posted by Becca View Post
As for the tuition, when S and BIL split up DN was already going there and BIL told me he couldn't afford to keep paying it all on his on. This was before A came into the picture. I told him that I would pay it and he asked me not to tell anyone, I thought it was because he was embarassed that he couldn't send DN himself. BIL is the one that told my DM about it. I have wanted to tell my S so many times but DH says, honey you gave your word that you wouldn't say anything to anybody. I don't know what to do.
Oh I smell a RAT Becca. So BIL is getting all this "I'm so wonderful" credit by "sacrificing" to send DN to this private school. A is holding that over your S's head... see how much extra money BIL spends on DS?

I know that you have the best of intentions at heart Becca, and you are a good person for wanting what's best for DN (assuming that the private school is what's best for him). I admire that. But you are unwittingly a player in committing fraud on your poor S. This is a legitimate question - not a flame or anything... do you think your S would behave differently knowing that DN's tuition is paid by you? What I mean is.... has S been cutting BIL (and A) some slack thinking that they're sacrificing for DN? Is that why S is wondering if she should pay for half of the tux? That's unfair.

I'm sorry... I don't mean to flame you. I just feel bad for your S - she is making decisions and living her life based on false information. It sounds like you liked your BIL really well, and as though S and BIL have an amicable divorce. And that's really a good thing. I'm happy to hear that. But just IMHO, your S deserves to know the truth. She's a big girl.

That said... I agree with your DH that you gave your word. What I would do, if I were in your shoes, is call XBIL and say "Has DN been having a problem at school? A says that he's not going back because you can't afford the tuition, but that's *obviously* not true. What's the REAL reason he's not going back? And let me know what you decide to do so I can offer the tuition money to one of your DD's instead." I'd be willing to bet A backs off quickly.

BTW, you *are* paying the school directly, right?
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Old June 10th, 2008, 09:40 AM
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Re: Should she pay half

I don't believe in having secrets from a mother where a child is concerned unless the child is in danger. No way would I have made the promise or kept it from my S about her own son. As a mother, I'd see that as interference. I'd know you were only trying to help, and I'd forgive you, understanding that you'd never keep a secret that involved my child again.

I'd sit my S down, apologize for my part in this, and tell her she needs to see a mediator and renegotiate the custody agreement for the sake of the children. XBIL isn't being much of a father if he's letting this new woman interfere with the custody agreement and make such significant decisions about education.
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Old June 10th, 2008, 12:04 PM
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Re: Should she pay half

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Oh I smell a RAT Becca. So BIL is getting all this "I'm so wonderful" credit by "sacrificing" to send DN to this private school. A is holding that over your S's head... see how much extra money BIL spends on DS?

I know that you have the best of intentions at heart Becca, and you are a good person for wanting what's best for DN (assuming that the private school is what's best for him). I admire that. But you are unwittingly a player in committing fraud on your poor S. This is a legitimate question - not a flame or anything... do you think your S would behave differently knowing that DN's tuition is paid by you? What I mean is.... has S been cutting BIL (and A) some slack thinking that they're sacrificing for DN? Is that why S is wondering if she should pay for half of the tux? That's unfair.


BTW, you *are* paying the school directly, right?

The thing is my S (have you noticed I don't call her DS) doesn't want that kind of money spent on a school no matter who paid it and it's the best school in the area. I love my S but her priorities are screwed up. If she knew I paid it she'd want the same amount each month for herself. She wouldn't spend it on the girls, she'd spend it on herself. And she hasn't been cutting her ex any slack, if anything she goes at him harder because it's a "waste" paying money for school. (her word) That was one of the times I wanted to say, "it's me so knock it off."

I wish they would both be better parents and get their priorities straight.

S has decided not to pay.

Yeah I send the money to my DM and she takes care of it for me.
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Old June 10th, 2008, 01:14 PM
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Re: Should she pay half

Quote:
Originally Posted by Becca View Post
The thing is my S (have you noticed I don't call her DS) doesn't want that kind of money spent on a school no matter who paid it and it's the best school in the area. I love my S but her priorities are screwed up. If she knew I paid it she'd want the same amount each month for herself. She wouldn't spend it on the girls, she'd spend it on herself. And she hasn't been cutting her ex any slack, if anything she goes at him harder because it's a "waste" paying money for school. (her word) That was one of the times I wanted to say, "it's me so knock it off."

I wish they would both be better parents and get their priorities straight.

S has decided not to pay.

Yeah I send the money to my DM and she takes care of it for me.
Gosh Becca, this is a pickle. I understand your motives for not telling your S, but... I can also understand her wanting XBIL to give her what she thinks he's giving DS. I don't think she's wrong there, but OTOH I think she should want the money for her kids (not for herself). I don't understand people sometimes.

At any rate, I still think you ought to give your XBIL a call and find out what the heck A is talking about. You might want to drop a hint (to A) that if XBIL isn't "paying tuition", S might expect her monthly child support checks to go up. I'll bet that shuts A up.

And FWIW, especially since you've got an "in" with the school... maybe the thing to do is set it up where your DN is the recipient of a "privately and anonymously funded scholarship". All economic benefit to everyone (other than you) would "disappear" if DN is pulled out of the school.

I'm really sorry about this situation Becca. It would really frustrate me.


ETA: Thanks for being a good aunt and doing what's in the kids' best interest. It restores my faith in humanity.
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Old September 10th, 2008, 10:09 AM
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Re: Should she pay half

Does A actualy know that you pay the school bills. Maybe she is unaware of this and is planning on pulling him our of school as she does not agree with or like the idea of your bil paying money for school fees that she otherwise maybe able to spend.
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