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Old August 24th, 2014, 04:53 PM
Swilson1 Swilson1 is offline
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Thumbs down I don't feel he puts enough effort in with my son

Okay, so here is the breakdown. I've been dealing with this in my head for a week or so and have no idea where to turn, I don't want biased opinions from friends or to say the wrong thing to my partner before I get my thoughts straight. My partner and I recently got engaged, he has been basically living with us for the last 6 months, but as of last month is when he gave notice for his own place and moved his stuff in. I have a 4, soon to be 5 year old son, and my fiancé has a 3 year old son. We all get along really well, we do family things together and the kids are best friends. I have joint custody of my son, so he is here half of the time, and my fiancé's son is here every second weekend and one night the the opposite week. I'm not sure if its the mother in me, but I put in a huge effort with my soon to be step son .. I love him very much, he loves me and I treat him the same as I would treat my son. I don't intend to take his mothers role, but when he's at my house the kids are treated the same. I play with him, cook for him, kiss his booboo's, I show him affection and treat him as I would any child really.. But I feel as if my partner doesn't put in the effort that he should with my son. My son will ask him to help with a video game, or try and get his attention and I feel more often than not he brushes him off. I know it's not that he dislikes my son, I just don't feel he tries enough. But when it comes to discipline he's quick to step up there, to tell him when he's out of line or to chat with him when he's disrespecting me. Don't get me wrong, I appreciate that; my son respects him and loves his company. I'm just not sure If I am expecting more than I should, if I should approach him about it at all, or what I'm supposed to do here.. I don't want to just wait it out and hope it gets better to be disappointed I feel its unfair to my son. He is a really nurturing dad, and loves his son very much, but seems a little off put with my son. We're going to be a family. This is making me a little crazy, my son is my number one priority, I don't want to marry a man that's only in it for me. HELP.
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Old August 24th, 2014, 06:20 PM
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LucyVanPelt LucyVanPelt is offline
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Re: I don't feel he puts enough effort in with my son

Quote:
my son is my number one priority, I don't want to marry a man that's only in it for me.
This is a good mother's attitude!

Conflict is natural in a relationship. How you resolve the conflict defines how the relationship will continue. Talk to your man and tell him what you've said here starting and ending with this: He's a loving man, a good father.

Be direct, but not judgmental, about what behavior you'd like to see change: When DS asks for help, you brush him off and that makes him sad; I'd like you to say yes more often so he has positive interactions with you.

If he's a good and loving man, he will make that change.
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Old August 29th, 2014, 10:26 AM
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Cremebrulee Cremebrulee is offline
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Re: I don't feel he puts enough effort in with my son

I agree with Lucy, and your son should be priority

Please keep in mind, blended families are always a tough call....and both adults must be onboard with each other....this should be ironed out before taking any further steps....you must both respect each other's wishes along with each other's sons. And totally agree, with treating them both the same, that is very important.

you cannot fear discussing this issue, b/c it is and should be a concern. And if it takes counseling, then so be it....we all need a little professional help now and then....someone as you say, who is not biased.
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Old September 1st, 2014, 09:01 PM
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Re: I don't feel he puts enough effort in with my son

Ditto
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Old September 24th, 2014, 04:09 AM
Butterfly85 Butterfly85 is offline
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Re: I don't feel he puts enough effort in with my son

Talk to him, he might not realize. He might not even know how to be with your son.
Let him know how you feel and talk it through. There are going to lots of situations like this in the next few years so you need to both get used to being able to talk about it without sounding like you're being critical.
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Old September 30th, 2014, 10:37 AM
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Re: I don't feel he puts enough effort in with my son

I agree, and believe the one thing that breaks down relationships is a lack of communication...we all think, that our mates our children, our parents, think and believe as we do...and when they don't we get upset....when in fact, they have no idea what we thinking, feeling or hurting.

You need to address the problem, by discussing with each other what you both expect of one another as parents...
for instance....

what do each of you expect of a child, behavior wise?

how do each of you discipline

each of you should have quality time with your own kids, as well as together time with everyone and quality time with the other parents child.

Matter of fact, maybe each of you could make a list....of what each of you need as a parent from the other spouse....what are your expectations of each other....

Make up senerios of how each of you would handle a situation....

and if you disagree, then it is up to you, two, to compromise....
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