Go Back   Friends and Family Forum > The Family Forum > Step-families

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #1  
Old December 17th, 2014, 06:47 PM
snafu's Avatar
snafu snafu is offline
future crazy cat lady
 
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: Mid-west
Posts: 9,571
snafu has a reputation beyond reputesnafu has a reputation beyond reputesnafu has a reputation beyond reputesnafu has a reputation beyond repute
Unhappy need a shoulder to cry on

I need to shed a few tears, some hugs, and to buck up

sigh .... partially decorated the X-mas tree tonight (I haven't found everything yet )


anyway DS said he wants the topper "that's traditional" - it was the tradition of DH, his deceased first wife, and their DD (my DSD) - great .... now I'm near tears because when it comes to "family" traditions pfft I didn't count

I'm upset with myself that I was never strong enough to get DH to understand the long term damage/emotional scars that was caused by "we've always don't it this way" - and I'm upset/angry that I didn't have knock down drag out fights with him when it may have made a difference.

Will the emotional scars/pain ever go away/become less painful? I really hate that I don't like Christmas "traditions" anymore. right now I don't think I ever want another tree as it always reopens painful wounds.

Don't get me wrong DH has been great the past few years (since I was bullied by a co-worker) - its just that the "ghost of X-mas past has raised its ugly head"
Reply With Quote
  #2  
Old December 17th, 2014, 07:18 PM
LucyVanPelt's Avatar
LucyVanPelt LucyVanPelt is offline
Moderator
 
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 9,221
LucyVanPelt has a reputation beyond reputeLucyVanPelt has a reputation beyond reputeLucyVanPelt has a reputation beyond reputeLucyVanPelt has a reputation beyond reputeLucyVanPelt has a reputation beyond reputeLucyVanPelt has a reputation beyond repute
Re: need a shoulder to cry on

(((Hugs))). Cry first. I get your pain.

A silver lining...One of the beautiful things about children is their resiliency. Your DS has adopted their traditions as his own. He doesn't have the wounds you have regarding those traditions. He doesn't have the baggage of "this is the way my mom and 'real' dad" did it. He hasn't rejected them; he feels a part of them. You did well with him.

Now, how can we heal your scars? Is it possible to set up a second tree somewhere else so you can do a both/and rather than either/or? Is there a way to blend traditions, like the "traditional" topper and your lights and ornaments? I know you would like to win this one, but maybe compromise is the best you can do right now.
Reply With Quote
  #3  
Old December 17th, 2014, 08:25 PM
KayKay's Avatar
KayKay KayKay is offline
Moderator
 
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Texas
Posts: 15,935
KayKay has a reputation beyond reputeKayKay has a reputation beyond reputeKayKay has a reputation beyond reputeKayKay has a reputation beyond reputeKayKay has a reputation beyond repute
Re: need a shoulder to cry on

^^ Lucy nailed it.


(((hugs))) for you, snafu.

If it helps, I don't have any traditions I'd like to have either. No one in my family is interested in the special things that my family did. It always makes me sad. This year I finally just started doing what I wanted, without asking their opinions, and it turns out they kind of like it.

It always bothers me that no one dresses nicely for Thanksgiving dinner. I was raised that everyone dressed up. I don't expect my DH and DS to wear ties, but something besides an undershirt would be nice. This year, I didn't argue or fight or even mention it. I just went to my room and changed into a nice sweater from the sweatshirt I had made dinner in. Without me saying a word, DS and then DD both went to their rooms to change into nicer clothes.
__________________
Expecto Patronum!

Last edited by KayKay; December 17th, 2014 at 08:30 PM.
Reply With Quote
  #4  
Old December 19th, 2014, 04:14 AM
Cremebrulee's Avatar
Cremebrulee Cremebrulee is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2007
Posts: 944
Cremebrulee has much to be proud ofCremebrulee has much to be proud ofCremebrulee has much to be proud of
Re: need a shoulder to cry on

Darlin, words can cut like a knife if we don’t understand them, but lets try and take a look at this from a different perspective.

It must be very difficult for children to lose a parent, and by him saying “that isn’t the way we did it”, is the only way he has to hold onto her memory, without being disloyal to her. Doing things differently might be a significant sign to him, that he is letting her go, and he fears doing that?

I bet those words are not meant to hurt “you”, but to hang onto the memory of his mother, and he doesn’t know how to ask you to help him do that? Or to tell him, that it's ok to do things differently, that his mother knows he still loves her and always will....and then propose to him, "How bout every year, we do one thing, one very special thing that you remember about her, that we can do, to bring her a little closer every Christmas.

What do you think?

Hugs
Creme

Last edited by Cremebrulee; December 19th, 2014 at 04:18 AM.
Reply With Quote
  #5  
Old December 19th, 2014, 10:22 AM
KayKay's Avatar
KayKay KayKay is offline
Moderator
 
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Texas
Posts: 15,935
KayKay has a reputation beyond reputeKayKay has a reputation beyond reputeKayKay has a reputation beyond reputeKayKay has a reputation beyond reputeKayKay has a reputation beyond repute
Re: need a shoulder to cry on

Crème, to clarify... snafu's DS is her biological son. The deceased mother is that of snafu's stepdaughter - her DSD.

snafu's DH wanted to hold on to all of the traditions of his deceased wife for the sake of his daughter (snafu's DSD) and now snafu's DS considers them his traditions. snafu, as the mother of the family unit now, never got a say in what their family traditions are - that's what has her upset.
__________________
Expecto Patronum!
Reply With Quote
  #6  
Old December 19th, 2014, 01:18 PM
Cremebrulee's Avatar
Cremebrulee Cremebrulee is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2007
Posts: 944
Cremebrulee has much to be proud ofCremebrulee has much to be proud ofCremebrulee has much to be proud of
Re: need a shoulder to cry on

Boy am I embarrassed? KK, thank you for clearing this up for me, I'm so so sorry Snafu, I misunderstood.

And I'm sorry your hurting, and hope that something changes for you...sending positive thoughts your way.
Reply With Quote
  #7  
Old December 19th, 2014, 04:30 PM
KayKay's Avatar
KayKay KayKay is offline
Moderator
 
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Texas
Posts: 15,935
KayKay has a reputation beyond reputeKayKay has a reputation beyond reputeKayKay has a reputation beyond reputeKayKay has a reputation beyond reputeKayKay has a reputation beyond repute
Re: need a shoulder to cry on

Please don't be embarrassed Crème!! You offered some really good advice. It just didn't happen to apply to snafu's situation.
__________________
Expecto Patronum!
Reply With Quote
  #8  
Old December 22nd, 2014, 01:56 PM
snafu's Avatar
snafu snafu is offline
future crazy cat lady
 
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: Mid-west
Posts: 9,571
snafu has a reputation beyond reputesnafu has a reputation beyond reputesnafu has a reputation beyond reputesnafu has a reputation beyond repute
Re: need a shoulder to cry on

sorry its taken me a bit to get back


anyway - the night in question I went for a walk to a local "Gas Mart", got my junk food fix and walked home (brrrr I froze).

by the time I got home I was over tears, just sad but also glad that I (to my knowledge) have not passed this particular baggage on to DS



(do I think he's clues that I get upset around the holidays - No - but I don't think he knows why)

- tangent - when DSD was talking to someone else while she was home (we did X-mas early/on Sat.) she told someone she'd left something at "my parents'" (not "at my dad's")
Reply With Quote
Reply

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Forum Jump


All times are GMT -7. The time now is 03:06 AM.


Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.7.3
Copyright ©2000 - 2017, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.
Copyright ©2007, The BlueSparks Network