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Old November 19th, 2017, 02:30 PM
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Smile Right or wrong and what to do?

First thing first, sorry for the grammar mistakes. Do point out if you see one, cuz I ain't good at english :L And sorry for the loooong post.

Hi, I'm from Southeast Asia so probably the way family functions here is different from the west. btw i'm new here.

My Mum passed away on 2015 and a year later or maybe 2 yrs later my Dad remarried. I have 2 elder sisters with me and we all age around late 20s to early 40s. The 1st eldest sister is intellectually disabled. Before my dad remarried, I took care of the house and cooked us food since I was unemployed.

Now months before this 2nd marriage, my elder sister saw a female ID card inside his car's front compartment (My dad always fetched my elder sister from work at night.) So 2nd eldest sister asked him whose card is this and he said/lied that it is his friend's card.(He was finding a new wife for sure...) My 2nd eldest sister felt suspicious about his answer but she brushed it off and never told me.

FYI he never make out or do bad things with his girl 'friend' though.

Now back to the story...a few months later after that ID card incident my dad said he wanted to marry this 'friend' of his and asked for our opinion. I said I don't give a damn because I know my dad was a good man and did many good deeds. So he will choose wisely and correctly, right? No, and I regretted saying that I didn't care.

My 2nd eldest sister gave a clever answer reminding him to not forget about us. It was a warning for him obviously.

Sped up, Dad was engaged with this woman and asked us three girls to meet our future step-momma. My 2nd eldest sister already got that heebie jeebies sensation from her. The woman said she knew my mom before, back in the 80's and 90's and said I looked like my mom and said she loved me(wth we just met and you spout weird things like this?)

Then she started giving us gifts(old and almost expired food.) to soften our hearts. My 2nd eldest sister told me this "She is just acting and pretending. I promise you after this marriage. All that giving gifts will go away." And she was right.

After the marriage, the nightmare for us children happened. This woman, stopped her gifts(which I don't care btw. They're mostly expired.eew)

She have bad personal hygiene. The clothes she wore stank and if you sit in the car with her, you can smell it. She burped at dinner, in the car and at anywhere if she felt like it without any consideration for anyone who might smell it. She didn't flush after using the toilet and let the whole bathroom stank of her piss. Dad joined too. Hooray!!She cooked food the day before and never reheated it for the guests to eat(I got tummy ache and fever after eating her food.)She had her own house and every time she came home to dad's house everything is a mess! I have to clean it up.She looked messy in whatever clothes she wore and I don't know why...:L

She didn't act civilize when need be. When she ate, I cringed. I couldn't pin point where but I know civilized people don't eat the way she does. She laughed loudly all the time at every single thing even at public areas until someone mocked her for it. Even my aunts at my mom's side questioned this behavior of hers. She took the food I cooked even after I said I'll give it to her later. She ate my food that my dad bought for me. She even ate my dad's food I think. Liked to have large amount of food but when unfinished(like all the time) she tossed it to dad or to my other low IQ sister. My 2nd eldest sister told me this woman asked her a question about her job and when she tried to explain it to her, the woman turned away not listening. She didn't care what people have to say. She never talked to us. She only wanted my dad.

She disliked personal growth but love wasting time and play. My dad asked her on why she doesn't want to improve her knowledge about anything and she replied she's 50yrs old and done with studying.(My elder sis and I were staring at each other when she said that. We were like wuuut? fo real? I mean we study all the time! My mum was 60 and still studying.) She listened to music on her phone and sang loudly while watching tv cuz dad ain't around.

She disrespected people and never listened. She said no to everything my dad said if it didn't please her. She kept saying 'I hate it when you said/do like that' to my dad<<singlish. And told my dad to take the food for her and washed the plate. She fixed all these by saying something sweet to him for being her slave. lol XD She was bossy to our tour guide. Loved my dad coddling her and she acted like a child. Throwing a fit if he ain't listening. She gave a passive aggressive behavior to me when the rice pot was empty. You mad, bra?

She is irresponsible. She never did household chores even when I got a job and have to go to work. The house is a mess AND smelly.

But the nightmare didn't end there. My dad has become a copy of this woman, but my 2nd eldest sister and I thought that maybe dad was always like this and mum always corrected him sternly. You named it, bad personal hygiene, uncivilized, disrespectful to us by insulting us and quarreling with us.and having no eagerness to improve oneself.(He once loved to read books but now...)

You know, when you lived too close with this kind of people, your brain will try to follow what your step/parent did. My intellectually disabled 1st sister and 2nd elder sister very well damn follow this woman's antiques! So I told my 2nd elder sister about how she was slowly following this woman, she said she was sorry and corrected herself after that. Man, she was scared when I told her that.

So my 2nd eldest sis and I cooked up a plan to stay away from these so-called parents for good. We wanted this woman to not come to our house. She did anyways with dad at her side of course. But came only 3 days in a week. My 2nd eldest sister and I didn't want to get influenced by these bad behaviors and quarreling with dad all the time(he always insulted my food and belittle our probs when we asked for help. Gets angry when we said he is wrong.)

There is no teamwork in this family, no sense of understanding and respect. Everything is selfish and fake we're ok family!! grin grin grin Am I a bad person for doing this? What should I do when I know these parents preferred to be ignorant and uncivilized? Breaks my heart to see my dad turned out this way
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Old November 19th, 2017, 04:58 PM
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Re: Right or wrong and what to do?

Welcome to the forum. Your English is very good!

I am sorry you are dealing with this. You are a very good person for trying and caring so much for your family. You and your sister are doing the best you can with a bad situation. If you can keep the distance from your father and his new wife without ending all contact, do that. It lets you stay in a relationship in the hopes that your father will improve, but it also allows you to protect yourself.

Good luck!
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Old November 19th, 2017, 07:50 PM
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Re: Right or wrong and what to do?

Do you still live with your father? I'm afraid I didn't understand that part. If they are married, does she not live with you?
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Old November 20th, 2017, 09:17 AM
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Re: Right or wrong and what to do?

Thanks, Lucy! I'm still doing this method that you advised me, but fight ensued if we came in contact. So now I prefer not talking to them and pretend that they don't even exist. Sad.

I guess this is the life that my dad wants and he will be that way until the end is near...or maybe not. I donno. The good thing is I learned something good from this bad experience.

1. Always screen check you future wife/husband. Emotionally, mentally, physically and spritually.
2. Choose your people wisely, because your people control the quality of your thoughts.
3. Always keep learning and read books etc. They keep your mind open.
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Old November 20th, 2017, 09:21 AM
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Re: Right or wrong and what to do?

Quote:
Originally Posted by KayKay View Post
Do you still live with your father? I'm afraid I didn't understand that part. If they are married, does she not live with you?
Yes, in our country it is normal for single working adults to live with their parents until they get married and buy a new house. I'm in my late 20's so the government doesn't allow citizen below 30s buying a house. My 2nd eldest sister is in her early 30s but she still couldn't buy a house cuz she is single. Unless she collaborates with me to buy a house. No, we can't buy a house using our main bank account. We need to use another account the governement has set up for us to buy it. Unbelievable, right?

Yes, that woman lived with us but she got her own house so dad frequents over there than over here. I don't know why she wants to come here...I mean she got her own messy house. >_>'' don't mess up my house, bruh, I ain't ur maid and I don't want to be a copy of you.

Funny story:

Dad came home and said to me 'Aw, man, your stepmom's house is a mess!'
Me in my thoughts '...you are messy too dad.'

these people are so weird. They don't like messy places but they are the first person to litter in the house. >
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Old November 20th, 2017, 05:48 PM
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Re: Right or wrong and what to do?

What options are available in your culture other than to learn to live with it?

I think you have learned some valuable lessons, and I will add to that (depending on your tradition in your culture) as long as you are being pragmatic to also screen the parents of your future spouse so that they don't end up being a problem in the future.
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Old November 21st, 2017, 12:41 PM
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Re: Right or wrong and what to do?

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What options are available in your culture other than to learn to live with it?

I think you have learned some valuable lessons, and I will add to that (depending on your tradition in your culture) as long as you are being pragmatic to also screen the parents of your future spouse so that they don't end up being a problem in the future.
Hmm, I guess what you meant here, KayKay, other than being tolerant, what other options do I have? Well, I did advise him once nicely about something and he went ballistic. He never liked being wronged even if it's true. I tried respecting him but sometimes I exploded because it's his habit to find fault with his children...Except his. I guess I need to work out my patience meter.

Because he prefers the company of an ignorant, he in the end becomes one :L There is a quote I heard in a radio from a scholar:

' You can be a good person but the good knowledge that you have cannot protect you from the bad people you mingle with. You'll eventually become them.'

'You can be an ignorant/bad person but if you mingle with the good people, they will show you the way and you'll finally become a good person.'

Find people who will lead you to self-improvement.

I'm not saying that i'm a good person nor do I know if i'm a bad person. Like I said before my dad chose to be this way. I don't want to be like him nor like that woman. He got his own life and I got mine. I'll forge my own life other than be troubled with his. Sometimes I cried because I don't want my dad to die as a bad person. :'(
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Old November 21st, 2017, 01:28 PM
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Re: Right or wrong and what to do?

Quote:
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You can be a good person but the good knowledge that you have cannot protect you from the bad people you mingle with. You'll eventually become them.
The English equivalent of this saying is "If you lie down with dogs, you rise up with fleas."

It sounds like you realize there's nothing to do to prevent your father from becoming like his new wife. It is good that you don't want to become that.
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Old November 22nd, 2017, 11:27 AM
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Re: Right or wrong and what to do?

Quote:
Originally Posted by KayKay View Post
The English equivalent of this saying is "If you lie down with dogs, you rise up with fleas."

It sounds like you realize there's nothing to do to prevent your father from becoming like his new wife. It is good that you don't want to become that.
Hmm, I learned a new phrase today!

Hey, sorry if I sound dumb, but why must I screen check my spouse's parents? I mean, if your spouse is genuinely nice ain't his/her parents will be too? They brought him/her up no?
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Old November 22nd, 2017, 02:02 PM
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Re: Right or wrong and what to do?

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Originally Posted by Aiiss View Post
Hey, sorry if I sound dumb, but why must I screen check my spouse's parents? I mean, if your spouse is genuinely nice ain't his/her parents will be too? They brought him/her up no?
They likely will be nice. But often the expectations that your inlaws would have for their relationship with you won't match your expectations for your relationship with the inlaws.

My inlaws, for example, are perfectly nice people. However, I am very different from my mother in law; we have different education levels, different backgrounds, different values, different likes and dislikes. We could have been perfectly pleasant to each other and gotten along fine, but our relationship has been a struggle because even though she's perfectly nice, she doesn't like the fact that I do things differently than she does. She wants to impose her way of doing things on me because she feels her way is better.

It would have been nice to have been lovingly accepted by my husband's family as I am.

To sort of take an example related to your situation, my mother in law is a fabulous housekeeper. She is terrific at decorating and she is terrific at cleaning and loves to do both. So what happens is that even though I'm a good person, in her mind I'm a "bad" person because my house isn't up to her standards. She thinks she knows better than I do what is good for me and I'm offended by her expressions to that effect.

Once upon a time she didn't like where I had my glasses placed in my apartment's kitchen cabinets. She felt they needed to be by a sink so it would be easy to get a drink of water from the sink. I felt they needed to be by the refrigerator so it would be easy to get a drink of water from the refrigerator (where I kept our drinking water). So my perfectly nice mother in law, in an attempt to be nice and "help" me, decided to rearrange my kitchen cabinets without asking me if she could. I found that insulting and irritating. Such a small thing, but it pretty much defines our relationship. It would have been much nicer of her to actually ask me why I had my glasses where I did, learn a little bit about my thought process and accept that maybe my reality was different from hers. She thought she was being nice to rearrange my kitchen; I thought she was rude.

There are people whose spouse's parents expect to live with them, tell them how to raise the kids, etc. They may be nice people, but if this is how they have always done things in their family, they will fully expect you to do it as well even if it's not how things have always been done in your family. That's what I meant by screening your future spouse's parents as well.
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