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  #11  
Old September 28th, 2009, 03:58 PM
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Re: bad step-mom

I feel I'm keeping my distance, but don't really know how "keeping distance" looks different from "the silent treatment".



(btw - I know I'm not perfect - this situation is part of my own making too)
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  #12  
Old September 28th, 2009, 06:12 PM
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Re: bad step-mom

Quote:
Originally Posted by Brownie View Post
I have a son who is 6 years younger than DSD2 so he was 6-11 while the worst of the nonsense at home was going on. I don't think the situation with DSD2 impacted him significantly because he was busy with his own life. His few comments regarding the choices she made were along the lines of "She taught me what not to do!"

This is a very important point, IMO. I am 5 years younger than EvilSis2, and while she isn't a step-sis, she made lots and lots and lots of poor choices. I developed a keen desire to *not* be like her. I tell my kids frequently "Smart people learn from their mistakes. REALLY smart people learn from OTHER PEOPLE'S mistakes." I learned a lot from EvilSis2.
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  #13  
Old September 29th, 2009, 04:56 AM
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Re: bad step-mom

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Originally Posted by KayKay View Post
This is a very important point, IMO. I am 5 years younger than EvilSis2, and while she isn't a step-sis, she made lots and lots and lots of poor choices. I developed a keen desire to *not* be like her. I tell my kids frequently "Smart people learn from their mistakes. REALLY smart people learn from OTHER PEOPLE'S mistakes." I learned a lot from EvilSis2.
This is very true. While I wouldn't classify my older sister as evil, she sure did a lot of dumb things and I was resolved not to repeat her mistakes.

Snafu, the difference between the silent treatment and keeping your distance might seem small, but there is a difference. Giving someone the silent treatment means you don't speak to them even when they speak to you. You walk away when they enter a room. Most importantly, you do it because you want to punish the other person and manipulate them into doing what you want.

Keeping your distance means you stay on polite topics, like the weather. You don't avoid the person or snub them, but you're not getting into anything with them, either. The intention here is to protect yourself, not to punish her. This is what I really think you're doing. This would make you a very smart woman who is doing what she can to maintain a peaceful household with her DH and his daughter.
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  #14  
Old September 29th, 2009, 03:19 PM
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Re: bad step-mom

Snafu -

When are you going to leave his sorry *****

You and your son deserve better.
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  #15  
Old October 12th, 2009, 07:24 AM
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Re: bad step-mom

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Originally Posted by LucyVanPelt View Post
Snafu, without your DH's positive participation, you cannot fix this. You can be polite and distantly helpful, but anything more will be rejected. She is crying out desperately to be parented by the only parent who refuses to fulfill his duties. Refer all major things to her father and approach her as if she were your student rather than her step-mother. It's the best you can do and will-- hopefully-- keep you out of the ugliness.


(((snafu)))
I totally agree with this...adding, that your husband is a very lucky man to have married a woman who cares so much about his daughter, but, until he takes ownership...there will be more heartache...he has stuck his head in the sand and refuses to be a parent....can you get him into counciling?
Yanno Snafu, someday this girl is going to grow into a woman and be so thankful for you...

and I'd like to add, perhaps saying nothing will for her, turn things around....?

Do you think she has feelings? What I'm asking you is, that sometimes when children go through a dysfuncational childhood, they learn to adapt by turning their feelings off? They become narcissistic...
Do you think this has happened to your step daughter, or, do you think she feels guilt for her wrong doing. The fact that you said she lies...scares me into thinking that she may even believe her own lies?
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  #16  
Old March 27th, 2011, 03:23 PM
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Re: bad step-mom

How do we sort this out? All my brother and i want is to not be beaten up physically or verbally and be allowed some friends over occassionally. and before you ask, no we cant go and live with our mum as she committed suicide when we were little.
Can anyone offer us any help whatsoever?
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  #17  
Old May 30th, 2011, 10:59 PM
WckdStpMom WckdStpMom is offline
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Re: bad step-mom

Have you tried asking your Dad?

Are you currently being physically or verbally abused?
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  #18  
Old February 25th, 2012, 10:42 AM
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Re: bad step-mom

Quote:
Originally Posted by Brownie View Post
((snafu))

I agree with Lucy. I, too, was the mean, bad step-mother to DSD2 for her years 12-17. DH felt sorry for her so he didn't disipline her and her mother was too busy running around with her friends and looking for a man. DSD2 exhibited the same behaviors you've described.

Once I accepted that I had no authority, I treated her as a student. I also wouldn't go out of my way for her. I left that to her dad. If she needed supplies from town and I didn't have a reason to go, he took her or picked up what she needed. I wasn't mean or anything, I wouldn't be expected to do it for the kid next door so I didn't do it for her.

Life was very stressful in our our house during those years.

(aside: I hope Brownie pops back in sometime soon)

I'm wondering how exactly you treated her & how your DH reacted.
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  #19  
Old March 6th, 2012, 11:30 AM
landonhemsley landonhemsley is offline
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Cool Re: bad step-mom

You HAVE to have DH do most of the parenting, which means he has to have a spine every now and again. That's the only way to get thru to DSD: thru DH.

It's also ESSENTIAL that DH unequivocally send the message that he loves DSD, but that he loves you more. Isn't that what marriage should be anyway? Caring for your spouse first and your kids second? As soon as a child is allowed to leverage a parent's emotions against that parent's spouse, the parents lose all authority and respect from the children. Not that parents should be despots, but they need to set boundaries and kids need to learn to respect those boundaries.

My DS was allowed to leverage the emotions of my DF against my DM. My parents are divorced, and she was constantly threatening to go back and forth between the two. My DF refused to discipline my DS when she acted out, and in some cases, condoned her poor behavior, completely undermining my DM. Eventually, it all spiraled out of control. My DS would act out because she didn't know anything else, and her bad behavior stressed my DF and drove him to drug use and debt.

My DF is now in prison and my DS is addicted to heroin because she never learned to control herself and respect boundaries. My DM is constantly worried, as is my whole family, about my DS.

This sounds more like an issue between you and DH rather than between you and DSD.

BTW, I'm new, so sorry if I get the DF, DS, and all those abbr. mixed up. It took me a while to catch on, and I'm not sure i really have.
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  #20  
Old March 6th, 2012, 11:33 AM
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Re: bad step-mom

Welcome landonhemsley. I appreciate you sharing your story.

Abbreviations can be found here: http://www.friendsandfamilyforum.com...read.php?t=485 and here: http://www.friendsandfamilyforum.com...read.php?t=484

HTH! (hope that helps!)
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