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Old January 4th, 2016, 02:01 AM
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I think they all hate me!

My wife of almost 5 years and I recently bought our first home. We have known each other for almost 9 years. When we first met, neither of us noticed or (later when we found out) cared about the 16 year age difference. She is older. She has 3 kids from 2 previous relationships. 1 prior marriage.

When we first got together everything was great, her kids and I got along great. Now however it seems to be not so great. The oldest and youngest live with us in the new place and I truly love them both. But ever since we've moved in, I have noticed that they are acting strange to me. About 2 months ago I caught my step-son climbing on my stuff to get to my tool box to get a screwdriver, when my wife talked to him he said that my SH** was in the way and he needed a screwdriver. I blew it off, but it bothered me since it really shows no respect for me or my stuff.

Today my wife and I got into an argument about what I was hoping to eventually be my personal space, the garage. As it turns out, this is what has been the sticking point. My wanting my own space has presented a problem. My wife tells me that she doesn't have a space to herself so why should I. I tell her that I need a space to be a guy and work on things. She tells me that the garage is full of everyone's stuff and that it's basically never going to happen. She goes on to tell me that my 24yo Step-Daughter was in tears while wrapping Christmas presents because a leather skirt and a couple pairs of expensive shoes ($300+) were ruined in the garage because I put a box on them. And I guess that I have said in the past that I want the garage cleared out. Which I do, but not to the extent that it's being taken. It seems that my daughter is going to look for a storage unit to put all of her stuff in. My wife won't say it, but I'm sure that it's because she is upset that I want the garage. All I really want is a space that I can design. A space where I can set up a bench and a desk. Some where that when I'm home from working 60+ 70+ hours a week, I can escape to. Working on cars and listening to music is relaxing to me. But I don't have that at all right now. I can't even walk into my garage. But I don't want everyone mad at me...

So tonight, I consolidated my stuff into 1 corner of the garage, and told my wife that I give up on ever wanting to do anything in the garage. That I would rather sacrifice than have anyone else sacrifice. She went on to call me a maryter and tell me that I'm not sacrificing anything because all of my stuff is in a corner anyway. That if I just cleaned up my mess that it wouldn't be a big deal. She may be right, but I now I know that what I was feeling wasn't completely wrong.

I love my family, I don't want them to be put out or mad at me. I especially don't want them to uncomfortable. But I am at a loss and I feel like this has turned into them against me. Do I give up on my dream of being able to walk in the garage? Do I sit everyone down and tell them I'm sorry for being a jerk? Or do I just suck it up and sweep it under the rug and move on like I said I was going to do?

I am at a total loss and could really use some help or advise from anyone!
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Old January 4th, 2016, 05:15 AM
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Re: I think they all hate me!

You clearly suspect this isn't about space, but about respect and support from your wife. 16 years means she is old enough to be your mother, and she sounds like she's treating you like the step-child here. You say you don't want your family to hate you. Well, they don't respect your needs. Is that really better?

Find a reasonable solution that you and your wife can agree to. Children do not get a vote. Ex: you get the garage cleaned up so you have your own space, also understanding that it will be shared among other family members. They may get a corner, but really each child should have their own space elsewhere. Can you set up a nice basement or attic storage, or add a shed? The 24 year old is right about outside storage, but she should be thinking her own place now.

If your wife rejects a compromise, gives priority to her children, and/or ignores and belittles your needs, then you need to go the marriage counseling route because they are evidence that the argument isn't about space, but about respect.

Good luck to you!
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Old January 4th, 2016, 12:01 PM
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Re: I think they all hate me!

Hmmm, something not adding up here.

I may have misunderstood, but you want your own space, but don't think your wife needs her own space? Also, your son was "climbing on stuff" - Meaning it is piled up, so in a heap (?) - to get to a screwdriver and you were annoyed about that, but you ruined an expensive brand new leather skirt and shoes? - This says you aren't respecting other's stuff either.

It HAS to go both ways. You need to make a different plan if you all have so much stuff in the garage, there is clearly no room in there for your space. Can you build a shed or an annex on the garage? Can you set aside a space in the house so your wife has a craft/reading place?
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Old January 4th, 2016, 12:22 PM
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Re: I think they all hate me!

I agree with Mrs X. Also if you have your space to be on your own sheet 60/70 hours a week working, when do you make time to be with your wife?
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Old January 4th, 2016, 06:29 PM
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Re: I think they all hate me!

Quote:
Originally Posted by TechDad View Post
She goes on to tell me that my 24yo Step-Daughter was in tears while wrapping Christmas presents because a leather skirt and a couple pairs of expensive shoes ($300+) were ruined in the garage because I put a box on them.
I don't know about your garages where you live, but there is NO WAY I would have put those valuable things in my garage. It's dirty from the cars and the leaves that blow in. We have mice and BIG spiders and centipedes! We get birds. Once we got a snake. It's very humid. It's subject to temperature extremes. Leather would definitely not do well in there.

Why weren't her Christmas presents stored in her room?
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Old January 4th, 2016, 06:57 PM
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Re: I think they all hate me!

Quote:
Originally Posted by TechDad View Post
That if I just cleaned up my mess that it wouldn't be a big deal.
Is this true? Is the problem that your stuff is disorganized and in the way? (If so, it would sound like my garage). Your stuff was in your stepson's way and you put a box down on top of something else (was it a dirty box? a heavy box?) which resulted in that something else being ruined.

Is this problem just now coming up because y'all have never had a garage before?
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Old January 5th, 2016, 06:33 AM
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Re: I think they all hate me!

Personally, I don't see what's wrong with you having your space in the garage. I see it like this: You can have your corner in the garage and she can have the rest of the house to do with as she pleases. If she wants a room in the house for herself and there's a room that she can transform into a room for herself, then so be it. You want some space in the dirty, dusty, hot in the summer and cold in the winter garage.

I utilize about 1/3 of my garage for my tools and stuff. If I didn't have that space then a lot of things wouldn't get repaired. However, that doesn't mean that don't have to move the kid trike, big wheel, plastic pool, boxes, trash cans, wheel barrow and other junk that I trip over to get to my work bench that has become a gathering of junk area that my wife and gkids toss stuff on because they don't know where else to put it.

So YES! Talk to her and make her a deal so you can have your corner in the garage. Heck... Take a corner then expand it out a bit.

I'm a bit bothered by the way your step kids treat you and refer to your stuff. The whole scenario sounds disrespectful. How old are all these kids (or young adults)?
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Old January 8th, 2016, 05:18 AM
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Re: I think they all hate me!

Quote:
Originally Posted by TechDad View Post
My wife of almost 5 years and I recently bought our first home. We have known each other for almost 9 years. When we first met, neither of us noticed or (later when we found out) cared about the 16 year age difference. She is older. She has 3 kids from 2 previous relationships. 1 prior marriage.

When we first got together everything was great, her kids and I got along great. Now however it seems to be not so great. The oldest and youngest live with us in the new place and I truly love them both. But ever since we've moved in, I have noticed that they are acting strange to me. About 2 months ago I caught my step-son climbing on my stuff to get to my tool box to get a screwdriver, when my wife talked to him he said that my SH** was in the way and he needed a screwdriver. I blew it off, but it bothered me since it really shows no respect for me or my stuff.

Today my wife and I got into an argument about what I was hoping to eventually be my personal space, the garage. As it turns out, this is what has been the sticking point. My wanting my own space has presented a problem. My wife tells me that she doesn't have a space to herself so why should I. I tell her that I need a space to be a guy and work on things. She tells me that the garage is full of everyone's stuff and that it's basically never going to happen. She goes on to tell me that my 24yo Step-Daughter was in tears while wrapping Christmas presents because a leather skirt and a couple pairs of expensive shoes ($300+) were ruined in the garage because I put a box on them. And I guess that I have said in the past that I want the garage cleared out. Which I do, but not to the extent that it's being taken. It seems that my daughter is going to look for a storage unit to put all of her stuff in. My wife won't say it, but I'm sure that it's because she is upset that I want the garage. All I really want is a space that I can design. A space where I can set up a bench and a desk. Some where that when I'm home from working 60+ 70+ hours a week, I can escape to. Working on cars and listening to music is relaxing to me. But I don't have that at all right now. I can't even walk into my garage. But I don't want everyone mad at me...

So tonight, I consolidated my stuff into 1 corner of the garage, and told my wife that I give up on ever wanting to do anything in the garage. That I would rather sacrifice than have anyone else sacrifice. She went on to call me a maryter and tell me that I'm not sacrificing anything because all of my stuff is in a corner anyway. That if I just cleaned up my mess that it wouldn't be a big deal. She may be right, but I now I know that what I was feeling wasn't completely wrong.

I love my family, I don't want them to be put out or mad at me. I especially don't want them to uncomfortable. But I am at a loss and I feel like this has turned into them against me. Do I give up on my dream of being able to walk in the garage? Do I sit everyone down and tell them I'm sorry for being a jerk? Or do I just suck it up and sweep it under the rug and move on like I said I was going to do?

I am at a total loss and could really use some help or advise from anyone!
Do you feel like your being a Jerk? Don't sit them down and tell them all this, if you don't really think you are. That would be compromising your identity just to have peace, and peace at all cost, is no peace at all.

I don't think your out of line for wanting your own space, but what I have a problem with is, that you work what? 50 - 60 hours a week away from your family and when your home, you want to also be away from them more?

Then why are you married? See, we can't have it all...and here comes the uncomfortable part....If you were not away from your family so much, I could understand you wanting some personal space where you could escape to...but maybe your wife is feeling sad and lonely, b/c your not around so much, and the kids are picking up on it....therefore, they are upset with you? I don't know, the only way you could know this is, if you sit them all down and discuss this with them and communication is the basic step to good relationships, even if the other person tells you something you don't want to hear.

I would also suggest, that maybe when you were dating her, you were so much more attentive to all of them then you are now? And they miss you.

Remember, 1st comes hurt, then comes anger or disrespect. A person usually gets angry b/c they are hurt?

I believe the first thing I'd tackle is why the disrespect from the kids, and then talk to your wife and ask her why she refuses to allow you alone time in your very own personal space somewhere in the house, b/c she probably has alone time when your not there?

But I would also take into consideration, that you are away a whole lot, and that's not good for a relationship...

Good Luck
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Old January 8th, 2016, 06:44 PM
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Re: I think they all hate me!

I get needing alone time


(I shared a room as a kid .... so if I needed "me" space I'd lock myself in the bathroom. I still do this now that I'm married - sometimes I'll hid out at the library)
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