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Old March 18th, 2013, 11:16 PM
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Re: Overprotective, controlling dad...

I understand what you're saying. The thing is though that, yes my boyfriend treats me so well and is just the sweetest person and my dad really likes him, but mom and I agree that if he ever finds out that my boyfriend "deflowered" me, he will no longer like him. No matter how well he treats me, he'll just be seen as some dog to my dad. That's the problem And yeah there's no reason for him to have to find out, but he'll find a way to make it his business and probably ask me someday (though hopefully not anytime soon). I always speak well of my boyfriend when my dad is around, my dad has said that he really likes him, and my dad sees how happy I am with him; but all it would take for none of that to matter is for him to find out... I just hate having to tip-toe around him all the time regarding my private life.
And I know he's allowed to have those emotions, but the way he is about his emotions...he just explodes so easily about everything. And he wonders why I don't talk to him about anything. I can't. I can't ever talk to him about something, especially a problem I'm having, without him preaching at me or lecturing me. When I told my mom that I was active, she was calm and supportive. She didn't like it one bit, no. But she doesn't react so harshly and angrily about things, so I go to her for everything. My dad would react to things with yelling, instead of sitting down and talking with me. And it was even over small things, so you can imagine how he reacted to bigger things in my lifetime...and this one would be the biggest one of all time...ever. I'm just so scared of him ever finding out. Sorry if I'm sounding stubborn, I just can't seem to think any differently than I did before.
As for the judging thing, that wasn't aimed towards you, KayKay, don't worry.
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Old March 19th, 2013, 04:26 AM
jp2d jp2d is offline
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Re: Overprotective, controlling dad...

I had a super controlling dad so I can understand your frustration. I wasn't allowed to leave the house alone even to get to the mail from the mailbox or take the trash to the curb. If we were out in public I wasn't allowed to be out of his sight. (Literally. I wasn't allowed to round a corner without him.) These are only a small amount of the restrictions he placed on my life and it continued till I moved out when I was 22. (I feel like I should also note, lest anybody thinks this sounds nuts, that my family is from the middle east and even for non-religious folks like my family, this is more or less normal behavior in their home country.)

I only managed to become sexually active because there was a small window of time after I got home from school before anyone else came home and I would sneak boys over then.

I'm 28 now and I'm grateful to him for all his rules. I was wrong, he was right, about almost everything. I won't be as strict with my children, I don't think it's necessary, but he did and as his daughter I should have listened and respected him. He let me live with him rent-free, paid for my education and everything and I repaid him by being rude, mouthy, passive aggressive and disobedient. Now that some time has passed I regret how I behaved towards him so much.

I, too, thought of myself as a "good girl". I wasn't doing drugs. I only had sex with one of the boys I snuck over. I wasn't running off in the middle of night to go to parties. I was convinced that I was perfectly right and my father was in the wrong. I realize now that my disobedience and willfulness were actually hurting him and other people around me. If I had a daughter who behaved like I did I'd be crying a lot. I wish I could go back and redo those years but I can't.

This is my experience. Take what you will from it.
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Old March 19th, 2013, 11:19 AM
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Re: Overprotective, controlling dad...

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Originally Posted by jp2d View Post
I had a super controlling dad so I can understand your frustration. I wasn't allowed to leave the house alone even to get to the mail from the mailbox or take the trash to the curb. If we were out in public I wasn't allowed to be out of his sight. (Literally. I wasn't allowed to round a corner without him.) These are only a small amount of the restrictions he placed on my life and it continued till I moved out when I was 22. (I feel like I should also note, lest anybody thinks this sounds nuts, that my family is from the middle east and even for non-religious folks like my family, this is more or less normal behavior in their home country.)

I only managed to become sexually active because there was a small window of time after I got home from school before anyone else came home and I would sneak boys over then.

I'm 28 now and I'm grateful to him for all his rules. I was wrong, he was right, about almost everything. I won't be as strict with my children, I don't think it's necessary, but he did and as his daughter I should have listened and respected him. He let me live with him rent-free, paid for my education and everything and I repaid him by being rude, mouthy, passive aggressive and disobedient. Now that some time has passed I regret how I behaved towards him so much.

I, too, thought of myself as a "good girl". I wasn't doing drugs. I only had sex with one of the boys I snuck over. I wasn't running off in the middle of night to go to parties. I was convinced that I was perfectly right and my father was in the wrong. I realize now that my disobedience and willfulness were actually hurting him and other people around me. If I had a daughter who behaved like I did I'd be crying a lot. I wish I could go back and redo those years but I can't.

This is my experience. Take what you will from it.
I haven't disobeyed him, though. I don't break any of the rules that he's set for me. I've dealt with him controlling my life since I was baby. I haven't defied his authority. I do respect his rules and I am grateful that I have rules, that he cares enough to set rules for me. I'm not saying that I'm not respectful or ungrateful. And I don't sneak anyone over, I've never done that and never would. Even my dad and my mom tell me that I'm a good girl and that they're blessed for that. It just bugs me that he tells me that I'm at an age now where I need to make my own decisions for my life, yet he still tries to control those decisions. Just makes me feel stuck and confused.
I just don't get why people think that just because I'm living at home, I have to wait 'til marriage just 'cause he wants me to. Even if I'm not at home when I'm doing it. How in the world is that his decision? Am I just misunderstanding y'all or something?
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Old March 19th, 2013, 12:08 PM
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KayKay KayKay is offline
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Re: Overprotective, controlling dad...

Quote:
Originally Posted by chellek14 View Post
I just don't get why people think that just because I'm living at home, I have to wait 'til marriage just 'cause he wants me to. Even if I'm not at home when I'm doing it. How in the world is that his decision? Am I just misunderstanding y'all or something?
chellek, just because your father hasn't said to you, "You are not allowed to have pre-marital sex" doesn't mean it isn't a "rule." You know full well in your heart that he does not want you doing that, or else you wouldn't be so afraid of what is going to happen when he finds out. Please stop using that as a technicality to justify yourself. You are breaking "his rules" even if one of those rules is unspoken. I'm sure your father also has the rule "No jumping out of planes without a parachute" but I'm pretty sure he doesn't feel that he needs to say it.

Your sex life is NOT his decision. Yes, I think you are misunderstanding what we are saying (or at least what I am saying). I'm not opposed to you having premarital sex - it is not MY decision either - but I AM opposed to you downloading foreplay apps on your phone if your dad is opposed to it and he pays for your phone. I AM opposed to you entertaining your boyfriend in your nightgown if your dad is opposed to it and you are living with him. I AM opposed to your bra strap showing if you are in your dad's house and he is opposed to it. Note that I am not opposed to your foreplay apps, your nightgown, or your bra strap if you are living alone and your dad isn't subjected to it.

I feel that it is a matter of showing your dad respect. You say that you are showing your dad respect, but I just don't think you realize that you aren't.

Just because it's time for kids to start making their own decisions doesn't mean we parents are fine with it when they make what we consider bad ones.
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Old March 19th, 2013, 02:16 PM
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Re: Overprotective, controlling dad...

Quote:
Originally Posted by KayKay View Post
.
Note that I am not opposed to your foreplay apps, your nightgown, or your bra strap if you are living alone and your dad isn't subjected to it.

I feel that it is a matter of showing your dad respect. You say that you are showing your dad respect, but I just don't think you realize that you aren't.

Just because it's time for kids to start making their own decisions doesn't mean we parents are fine with it when they make what we consider bad ones.
Exactly.
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