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Old December 16th, 2014, 03:47 PM
mocha8 mocha8 is offline
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Family drama. Do you think i am being unreasonable?

My husband travels a lot with his job, so i know he really likes to just chill out for the holidays, especially around christmas. We have to split christmas between 3 families because my husbands parents are divorced, and then we have my family also. I honestly dread the holidays because i do not get on with my husbands siblings. My brother-in-law and i got on fine for many years. He started dating this one girl who i got on fine with, and then she started to go very weird, and to this day i do not know what her problem is.

One christmas my brother-in-law and his girlfriend invited us to a brunch with their friends. I thought it was a little weird as we had many family occasions before this where she was there and didn't even talk to me, so i was a bit confused as to why she was inviting us, but we made the effort regardless and went. As we got to the restaurant, my brother-in-law came to the door to greet us, and said hi to my brother who also came and my husband. I said "hey," as you do and he said nothing. I thought oh maybe he never heard me, so i said it again and nothing. He completely blanked me, so this did not put me in a good mood for the brunch. His girlfriend didn't say a word to me either the whole time we were there, it was like i didn't exist, even though i was sitting opposite her.

After we left i told my husband his brother didn't say hi and he said oh maybe he didn't hear and i said well i thought that but i said it twice and got blanked both times, and whenever we are around them they both act like i am not there. So since that day, whenever they have invited us to a birthday dinner, which was not often but has happened, we didn't go. We agreed it was pointless to keep going to things that are all their friends and when we get there i am ignored. I feel like it is high school type drama.

My sister-in-law is a whole other drama in itself also. My husband and his sister fell out years ago, and over the years it has been made pretty awkward for me when his sister would constantly reach out to me via Facebook wanting to get coffee or hang out. I told her that as her brothers wife it would be inappropriate for me to be hanging out with his sister when they don't talk or get along, and i think they need to work on their issues before me and her are meeting up for coffee. Of course she didn't take the rejection well. It finally got to a point where him and his sister over the years were civil with each other when we had a family thing which was good seems it was really awkward before that. It was one of those things where we would go to family dinners and the only person i would be on talking terms with was his mom seems everyone else either didn't speak or appears to have some problem that i don't know the reason for. So it got to a point where my husband and his sister would speak a little when around each other and i would talk to her a little too. She added both of us on Facebook, and we both accepted just to be civil and keep the peace. She is not really my type of person, but i hate drama and figured rejecting it would just open up more drama that we didn't need to deal with.

One other thing i would like to mention is my brother-in-laws girlfriend and my sister-in-law appear to get on pretty well, and funny enough since they started hanging out years ago is when my brother-in-laws girlfriend started to act a bit differently towards me and then eventually started to just ignore me at events. I figured maybe my sister-in-law said something to her, but then again my sister-in-law has always seemed very eager to be my friend and hang out, so i really don't understand the situation at all.

My mother in law doesn't appear to be keen on my brother-in-laws girlfriend either, and has commented on noticing how she doesn't talk to me anymore. What is weird though is sometimes she will go half the day without talking, and then say one time we were talking about jobs as i was interviewing, she will go "oh i can ask my work if they are hiring at out other location if you want," and then not talk again the rest of the day. I just don't understand seems we will walk in a room and neither her nor my brother-in-law will say hi to me.

So my sister-in-law, me and my husband were Facebook friends for a good year or so, and then randomly one day she unfriended us both. Now i know you are probably thinking more high school sounding drama, and it totally is. This is how it sounds to me too, but i have to tell it how it is to explain my point and give some perspective on things, and i am completely tired of his whole family and their drama, but i have to be careful seems it is still his family.

So what it has boiled down to these past few years is me dreading the holidays which is sad because i do love this time of year, although i have almost forgotten what enjoyment is around this time of year, because all i feel is stress. I constantly want to avoid the family gatherings and basically go visit his family when i know all of his siblings won't be there. I know this may sound selfish on my part, and i do feel selfish at times, but it is very awkward for me to sit at a table for dinner with his siblings when they treat and act towards me the way that they do. I feel i am a very kind person, and try everything in my power to avoid drama and consider peoples feelings (my husbands when his sister wanted to hang out, his sisters when she did add me to not cause family drama by declining), but for some reason his sister, brother, and brothers girlfriend have all decided they dislike me and blank and ignore me.

So this year we were thinking of going to my husbands dad for christmas eve, his moms on christmas morning, and my parents christmas afternoon. His dad lives across town, so we figured we would visit with him christmas eve as we have the whole day free, and split the time between his mom and my parents christmas day seems they don't live too far from each other. So he calls his dad and asks what he is doing christmas eve, and he says he is doing nothing christmas eve but he wants us to go christmas day seems everyone is going to be there then (siblings etc...) So my husband got off the phone with his dad and was pretty annoyed. After a year of lots of travel he just wants to chill out on christmas day and have a drink without driving around to 3 different people, one which is across town, and i agree. Everyone is always at home not driving around but telling us when they want us there, and i feel it is pretty inconsiderate as we both want a drink without driving all over the place, and we can never settle anywhere because we have to leave to go to the next place.

So i guess i just wondered everyones take on it. Do you think we are being unreasonable not going on christmas day when his dad wants us to because everyone else is there? Are we unreasonable trying to visit his family at times when all the other siblings won't be there because of all the drama? Sometimes i do feel guilty avoiding them all the time, because i feel like i haven't done anything wrong to make them act this way (at least not to my knowledge), but i am just so sick of the drama and feeling awkward at dinners because i don't talk to anyone.
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Old December 16th, 2014, 04:04 PM
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KayKay KayKay is offline
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Re: Family drama. Do you think i am being unreasonable?

Welcome, mocha8. I moved your thread into the in-law forum since it was about your in-laws and so it wouldn't get buried with all of the other Open Chat threads.

I think you are completely reasonable. You were issued an invitation, not a summons. You may decline any invitation you wish. It's best, of course, to do so politely. Leave off the whole "you are just a bunch of drama queens" part. It is perfectly acceptable to go to your parents and nowhere else. Or, it is perfectly acceptable to go nowhere. The fact that you avoid your husband's siblings can go unsaid.

Please also understand that just as you are not obligated to go to your father-in-law's, he is not obligated to host you on Christmas Eve if he doesn't want to. It is difficult to juggle everyone else's schedule; he is probably trying to work with your brother-in-law's and sister-in-law's schedules, as they also have girlfriend/hubby's side of the family to contend with.

I like that you get along fine with your husbands parents and it's not about seeing them, but rather about having to deal with the sister and brother. It is probably a good time to start your own holiday traditions for you and your husband (and any kids in the future). That will help prevent you from having to schlep cranky kids to three different places on Christmas when all they want to do is stay home play with their new toys.


P.S. - Word to the wise... avoid talking about your brother-in-law's girlfriend with your mother-in-law. I have seen so many times where that has come back to bite someone. If your mother-in-law chooses to comment, or vent her own spleen, that's okay. Just don't ever let your mother-in-law think that there are sides to choose. Stay with the "Yeah, I noticed that. That was strange. I wonder why she did that? I'm not taking it personally. Maybe she was feeling poorly that day." commentary.
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Last edited by KayKay; December 16th, 2014 at 04:09 PM.
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Old December 16th, 2014, 04:10 PM
mocha8 mocha8 is offline
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Re: Family drama. Do you think i am being unreasonable?

Thank you for the reply. I felt guilty trying to avoid them, especially as sometimes we haven't gone to dinners when everyone else is so i guess we could look the issue avoiding them, but i am so sick of the drama. Also, because all his siblings go i feel it is expected. His mom sent out a group text saying we are doing christmas on christmas eve at 7pm this year. It really annoyed me because i thought wouldn't you ask what we were up to and if it was convenient for us they were doing dinner that night, not tell us. Also when he told his dad about christmas eve he said he wasn't doing anything all day but who celebrates christmas on christmas eve. I am starting to really get irritated by their selfishness, and my husband won't stand up to it.
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Old December 16th, 2014, 04:49 PM
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KayKay KayKay is offline
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Re: Family drama. Do you think i am being unreasonable?

Well, (1) A group text is an invitation. Your mother-in-law, as the hostess, is not obligated to do what is convenient for her guests. She can host the gathering at any time she wishes. You may decline. (2) A lot of people celebrate Christmas on Christmas Eve. I don't see anything selfish about it at all.

Honestly, you are being given a precious gift that you won't realize until later. You are being given the opportunity to opt out of command performances and make your own traditions. If you want to continue celebrating with them, that's great. But if I were in your shoes, I'd skip the family dinners, stop by for dessert to be friendly, and stay home relaxing on Christmas.
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Old December 18th, 2014, 04:20 AM
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Re: Family drama. Do you think i am being unreasonable?

Hi There,
Despite all the drama, I went thru this for years, and dreaded the holidays, b/c we split our holiday between 3 families....
No more, when you get older, I suppose you realize the importance of making self happy and you care less what people think or say.
Also, my cousin's kids do nothing but stay home in their own home Christmas Day. Perhaps if you wanted to do something, you could host a Christmas Eve Dinner? Then spend Christmas day alone....and don't fear telling anyone that you would just prefer to do that.
But yeah, there is no reason why you should extend yourself to drama.

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