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Old July 16th, 2015, 03:25 AM
Vinaikumargandla Vinaikumargandla is offline
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Problem with my brothers wif attitude

Hi,
I am new to this forum, I am here to look for more suggestions to change my brothers wife attitude towerds her in-laws and family members.
We are the simple and happy family who gives importance to human relations, friends and respect elders.
Here comes the problem with my brothers marriage, I mean to say problem with my brothers wife. Till know I don't understand her attitude. With her behavior every one in my family is suffering.
She won't mingle with our family ,as my brother stays in other location on work, when she comes to our home she will act as she is free with everyone, and in absence of my brother she suffers everyone by not respecting my parents though my parents treat her as daughter. She is selfish she loves only her parents and their family. Even my mother suffers with health issues she won't help and at that time she goes to her parents home. Till my brother cones to our home. Even she don't respect my brother, only she wants to fulfill her needs that's it.she don't want anyone other than her parents. Even her parents support her ,she mostly likes to stay with their parents.

How can we change her attitude towards my family, we are so friendly with her
She is not changing her attitude, she is behaving selfish

Please give your suggestions..

TIA

Last edited by Vinaikumargandla; July 16th, 2015 at 03:30 AM.
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Old July 16th, 2015, 06:13 AM
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LucyVanPelt LucyVanPelt is offline
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Re: Problem with my brothers wif attitude

Welcome to the forum.

You ask the question, "How can we change her...?" You can't. You can only change yourself. Perhaps you think that you don't need to change. You'd be wrong.

First, you can stop meddling in your brother's marriage.
Quote:
Here comes the problem with my brothers marriage, I mean to say problem with my brothers wife....Even she don't respect my brother, only she wants to fulfill her needs that's it.
This isn't your thing to judge. This is between your brother and his wife. By making judgements and behaving as if you have to fix his wife, you're actually sending your brother the message that he cannot manage his own life and that you are disrespecting him and his wife. No wonder his wife will not come without him.

Second, you can stop setting up expectations for other people's behavior. I suspect there's a cultural difference here where your family is more traditional and she hasn't embraced that culture. The reason why your family "suffers" is because you've set up expectations of behavior and service that you aren't entitled to. It isn't your brother's wife's responsibility to take care of your mother when she is sick. I don't know what you mean by she "acts free," but I suspect you mean she isn't obedient and is therefore, disrespectful. I'm sure she doesn't see it that way.

Third, accecpt that you have not been friendly with her. You've judged her. You've meddled in her marriage. You've called her selfish because she doesn't fit in. You expect her to change to meet your ideals. She leans towards her parents because she is comfortable with them. She's very uncomfortable with you. Maybe now you can see why?

You love your brother. You want the best for him. The best for him is to be happy with his wife. Accept her the way she is, respect his marriage, and in the end, you will be the "simple and happy family who gives importance to human relations, friends and respect elders" that you think you are.

Good luck!
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Old July 16th, 2015, 10:31 AM
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KayKay KayKay is offline
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Re: Problem with my brothers wif attitude

Hi Vinaikumargandla.

I'm not sure if there are cultural differences or perhaps language differences between what you posted and what I understood, but I'm not really sure I understand what the problem is with your brother's wife.

Mostly, I agree that you can't change someone else's behavior. I'm confused about why you think you have the right to, though. That's where I think there might be a cultural difference. Was this a traditional arranged marriage? Or did your brother choose his own wife?

You say your parents treat her as a daughter and your family is nice to her. It seems that isn't how she wishes to be treated, though.
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Old July 16th, 2015, 02:25 PM
Catwoman Catwoman is offline
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Re: Problem with my brothers wif attitude

I would like to know is there a cultural difference at all?, because this helps a lot in the advice that we can offer. It does sound a bit like a mixed race marriage?.

You say your sister in law doesn't help with your Mum who has health issues. Well why does she have to?, sorry but that is your families issue, and nothing to do with your sister in law. Its not an automatic rule where a spouse is responsible to look after their in laws, it maybe in your culture, but its not in others. Its your brother's responsibility to help out when he can.Maybe she finds your family a bit too much in her face and demanding?, this would make her not want to be involved. She might feel like she wants to be involved with your family if, you and your family relax and respect her. You don't say how long they have been together, so I assume its a recent relationship maybe of a year to a couple of years?.

You say your family is suffering because of your sister in law's behavier?, well they are suffering because of their inability to control her, which isn't fair to her. It is an unrealistic expectation. You have no right to control her anyway, if she is from another culture, she is used to independence, and that is not a crime.

The other posters in here are correct that you cant change or control her behavier to suit you or your family. That's not possible. I don't think she's being rude or disrespectful I think she's just keeping her distance.

I am a person who is in a mixed race marriage, I have been with my husband for many years,and I can tell you that sometimes friends and family from the other side can be a bit much, full on, and I am not used to doing everything with my husbands family, or being expected to, or even having to consult them. His family must also respect my choices and privacy. People from other cultures families don't always do everything together, or tell each other everything. They/ we like to keep to ourselves sometimes, in their own homes and that's just normal. That's called respecting someone's space and their culture. Other cultures are quite independent.

My advice is for you and your family to stop judging your sister in law, as its obviously making her uncomfortable, just relax, and welcome her....but don't expect she owes you something. Without pressure she may/will get involved with you in time, but give her respect as well, she is entitled to it. Your brother might actually like having his independence from his family too, he is entitled to it,he is an adult. He and his wife deserve privacy.This is the same for any union,mixed race or not.....to keep going the same way you are, judging her/them....you will only drive them away.

Last edited by Catwoman; July 16th, 2015 at 07:12 PM.
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Old July 31st, 2015, 08:09 AM
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Cremebrulee Cremebrulee is offline
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Re: Problem with my brothers wif attitude

you cannot change people, we are all born and raised with completely different beliefs...

You cannot make people do or like what they don't, and to try would be futile.

I would suggest you leave it alone and let your brother and she work it out.

While you may be used to being a close family taking care of each other, outsiders may not be as dedicated, and that doesn't make anyone right or wrong...it simply is, the way we were raised to believe.

Personally, I don't think a family should be so invested in the lives of other family members...its nice to have family gatherings over holidays, etc...however, families shouldn't have expectations of brothers, sisters and they're husbands and wives, once they are married, it is unhealthy to the marriage.

Your brother and his wife, need space...from family members...b/c this is now their life, not yours, your mothers/fathers etc...

hope you understand...bottom line is, your brother and his wife shouldn't be any of your business, unless he comes to you for advice...until then, you should just leave it alone and get on with your life.

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